Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Thanks for your comments. I must say it felt really good to get this mess off my chest. I am VERY happy that the truth was revealed to me and now I can finally move on. I really do wish he would just remove himself from my daughter’s life. I went through so much with this man and I hate to even think of him lying and manipulating my daughter. It makes me sick to even think of this occurring.
Dear Cloudy,
Find the link here on LF for Dr. Leedom’s “raising the at-risk child” blog. Unfortunately there is a genetic link between psychopathy and so your daughter has some chance of this in her life. Genetics are NOT the totality of it though, so you can influence her and teach her empathy and caring so that she will not be “just like her father.”
There is wonderful information here, a gold mine of it, as ErinB says. KNOWLEDGE=POWER and so you must educate yourself so you can defend her from him. Learn everything you can, become an expert on the subject.
Heal yourself and defend your daughter from his evil influences! ((((Hugs)))) and God bless.
One piece of info I can provide deals with a “730 evaluation”. I have 2 children from a previous marriage I lost because of being married to my spath husband. (actually I lost them because I made the choice to marry him) At any rate, the court ordered a psychiatrist to investigate all parties involved and make recommendations based on those. She did typical personality testing, asked lots of questions, interviewed friends and colleagues as well as did a home visit and interviewed the kids. In the end (which should have been my first clue) she went on record saying that she couldn’t make any determination about my spath husband because he lied on all tests and in all interviews. (I never quite figured out how she knew that so at the time because I believed him – I just discounted her as a quack). Fastforward 6 years, he and I had a kid, I left him after all the years of abuse, we are in the throws of divorce/custody battle, I now have that test and the court records to use against him as the foundation. Although I now live in a different state than the one who ordered the evaluation, it sets a real precedence and lots of credibility. Additionally, I have court records from previous divorce/custody battles in which he was involved. Chances are, if someone did this to you, they probably did it to someone else. Check backgrounds and court record histories from anywhere he or she has previously lived. God knows my ex did and it worked – even though it didn’t directly involve me just someone in the home who could potentially do harm.
Also, remember, you can’t deal rationally with irrational people. Don’t feel sorry and think “I wouldn’t want him to do this to me.” Big mistake. Remember, s-paths have no conscious. They only act/re-act the way they think you want them to or to make you feel guilty. If you can’t trust yourself, then make someone else deal with them – all correspondence – every type of contact.
If your children have contatct with spath and aren’t old enough to understand what to tell and not to tell, then try for supervised visitations so someone else can help keep s-path from manipulating kids for info. If kids are old enough, then work with therapist so kids understand but don’t have too much info and feel scared of s-path. “In-fear” is no way for a child to live.
Hopefully I will have good news soon.
Take care ALL!!
Pamela
p.s. I chose my log-in name after patty hearst. She made famous “stockholm syndrome” which, if you’ve been abused by s-path, chances are – you were a victim of stockholm syndrome.
Dear Patty,
GOOD suggestons for those struggling with spath Xs in custody battles.
Sounds like you have your stuff together. Glad you found your way to Lovefraud too. Welcome and thanks for the contribution. God Bless! Keeping fingers crossed for you!
Currently in the process of divorce/custody arrangement with soc. He does not want to spend money on attorney and wants to make our own arrangement. I could have laughed out loud (but I won’t be his supply, give him the satisfaction) when he said, “we are reasonable people.” You got that half right! Soc’s idea of an arrangement=he gets my house & inheritance and I get the right to see my child whom I have been the primary caretaker for less than 50% of the time.
This pleasant psychopathic period followed him entering my house (left the door open we went inside only briefly). When I told him to go outside he refused. Put his finger in my face. Threatened not to bring our daughter back.
I threatened to call the police and I did. I made a report. I picked it up today. I don’t know how this happened, I was very collected during the police interview. I had notes, facts, dressed professionally, courteous, my house was neat and child focused (I did shed a couple of tears though which I was not proud of); the police report reads like he is angel Gabriel. I am stunned.
I talked to an officer about the threatening language that was not included in the report. He said saying “maybe they won’t be back” is not threatening language. I am urging my attorney to get our court date in place. How long should this really take? I don’t want to be Little Miss Nicey-Nice here but I don’t want to alienate myself either. I guess I never learned how to get action without being submissive. Guess that’s what got me into this in the first place.
Not feeling very fearless or peace today. Maybe tomorrow.
Dear Fearless,
GIVE NO QUARTER, and don’t let the police report stand as written go to the office’s superior. Take the bull by the horns. Continue to dress and be professional, and some tears won’t hurt, but be FIRM and GET A LAWYER for sure, don’t even attempt anything without one.
You might also apply for a restraining order, I think you have to start with a temporary order first, then go back for a permanent one. You must show that you FEAR your husband and that he has made substantial threats. So don;’t let that cop down play the THREAT he made.
A cop does not decide who has committed a crime, a DA does, so go above the cop, to his boss, and if that doesn’t work, to HIS boss. up the line. Any jerkwad ought to see that is a threat!
Good luck and God bless. Get Dr. Leedom’s book, “just like his father” and also the book “Legal abuse syndrome” both will be very important books for you to read since you share a child with this dipwad. (((Hugs))))
Dear Ox,
Thank you for helping me see a path to fight back & for the titles. I can’t get enough reading material on the subject!!!
peace
Dear Fearless, I read a book by a woman who was stalked by her first and second husbands both, for a period over 40 years! Her husband had cornered her, kidnapped her, broken her arm, and the cops were there and they refused to give her a ride to the hospital and told her to call a cab. (many years ago) but you can’t just sit there and let that jackarse cop decide what your Husband said is NO THREAT.
I had a jack ass point a gun at me at a living history festival in which I was also a participant. It was an antique gun and it was “all a joke” but I PROSECUTED HIM and the DA didn’t want to prosecute him but I went above his head and got it done. Okay, so all I saw was a gun and a threat, how was I to know “it wasn’t loaded, and it was just a joke, and I ONLY pointed it at your butt, can’t you take a joke?”
NO I CAN’T TAKE A JOKE—and I told the man that in the future if he pointed a gun of any kind, loaded or unloaded, that the one I POINTED BACK WOULD BE LOADED~ turned out this guy had a record for assault in another state, and I found witnesses to two o ther instances of this jerkwad pointing guns at people in public parks.
There are times to back down, but there are other times to stand up on your hind legs like a human being and fight back.
The articles here in the archives are great. I would recommend going back through them by catagory. The month by month ones only go back 1 year, and they go back for 4 years the other way. Just read the articles as there are 700 of them and if you read the comments too you’ll never get through. LOL
The two books I recommend you read though are “Just like his father” by Dr. Leedom and “Legal abuse syndrome” both avilable in the LF store.
Save your energies for yourself and your kids. Keep a lid on your anger and your normal and natural wishing for “revenge” turn those emotions into action to protect you and your kid(s)! Be good to yourself and lower stress where you have a choice to do so. ((((Hugs)))) and I will keep you in my prayers!
Fearless,
My Spath threatened to take our son, he made many threats. All because I told him I could not continue to stay in the same house with him, in which he brought his mistress, slept with her and would often speak to or text in my presence.
I wanted a break. To spend the night someplace else. I would return in the morning.
I too filed a report because he became increasingly threatening and violent. Physically prevented me from entering our son’s room, and from leaving the house. When I attempted to call 911 he took my phone and disabled it. we did not have a land line.
While I have heard that disabling or even taking one’s phone is a serious offense, it did not look bad to the court.
I think my biggest mistake the whole while, was being afraid of him. I did not press charges. I insisted I just wanted it on file.
My best advice, document everything and PRESS CHARGES.
Peace
FAD
Hi Momoftwins, I’m not qualified to advise you on this issue. I have zero experience, here, but there are many who will help you, and know what they’re talking about.
I just want to welcome you and tell you I’m sorry your having to go through all this. Keep coming back and if you don’t get a response to your questions, ask again. Sometimes our posts get buried under tons of other posts before the right people see it.
Again, welcome.