Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Hey….has anyone heard from Dancing Warrior?
She had a court hearing a few weeks ago…..and we’ve not heard from her…….or did I miss some posts?
Dear Mom,
My egg donor (maternal DNA donor) did the SAME thing with my youngest bio son too, she “took him over” AGAINST my will. I was having trouble controlling him and his illegal activities, so he fled to her and she “defended him from me”—of course she gave him everything he wanted, and even then he started stealing and robbing again behind her back…..
DO NOT EVER TRUST YOUR DNA DONORS—-forgive them? Yes, get the bitterness out of your heart so you can deal with them, but TRUST? NEVER!
You said your son ‘s father OD’d on drugs and died. I am assuming he was the biological child of the grandparents. There is a BIG genetic component between addictions and Psychopathy and also that your son’s father may have been high on the P traits and that one or both of your In laws may also be HIGH IN TRAITS, so you may be dealing with a NEST OF RATTLE SNAKES HERE. I know you love your son, but just like with my son and others here who have children or adult children that are high in psychopathic traits, we have to cut them loose and let them sink or swim on their own.
The fact that your inlaws are teaming up with your X-husband to side swipe you makes me think that they are VERY psychopathic and vindictive.
Keep this in mind when you are dealing with them, and if that is the case BE CAREFUL. Assume that any phone conversation is taped, any written documentation is CAREFULLY worded. DO NOT let them get their hands on your kids outside of your presence. Or out of your state.
Yes, we are “just people behind a keyboard” but we have pretty much been in the same shoes you are now, dealing with one or more psychopathic individuals. It helps to know you are not “ALONE”—-
Good luck and remember that KNOWLEDGE=POWER and you need to get as much knowledge as you can. The articles here are a good start as well as the books in the LF library. Dr. Robert Hare’s books and web site are great, and there are other books and articles about them. Come here for strength and whatever your faith is use it to protect your heart and soul! (((Hugs)))) and God bless.
EB–not sure where dancing is. Haven’t seen her either. BTW I have a piece of paper that says I’m sane, do you? LOL ((((Hugs))))
No oxy….no paper…..but i’m sure there are several peeps who question my claim!
🙂
Mom;
I don’t know how old your son is…..but I highly recommend you NOT losing ‘touch’ with him.
The farther you are emotionally from him……the harder he will fight you.
He may not embrace your ‘love’…..but with totall perseverence…..ONE DAY he will see that you NEVER GAVE UP ON HIM.
I understand your disconnect with your parents.
Maybe even write an appology email about being upset and you should not have written the last email…..be specific and tell them you are very sorry and didn’t mean to upset them.
Tell them maybe you’d like them to be in your new baby’s life and you’d love for them to see the twins…..
IF that would ‘fly’.
I know you don’t want this…..but what you NEED is them on your side….again….fake it till ya make it.
Maybe even not on YOUR side…..but definately NOT on the ex’s side.
Take away all personal feelings involved…..and make it businessess in your own mind.
If you had a shitty boss and you were on your last dime….you wouldn’t tell your boss to fark off……you need the money. You’d suck it up and get through.
This is the same……you just need ‘them’ to get what you want.
At very least….do NOT create any adversity which could ‘bond’ ex to your parents or vs versa.
DO NOT EVER react as you might want to……wait, think, overthink……and stop in your tracks.
Patience was what I was taught by my kids being kidnapped…..I wanted to go rambo and I didn’t……I learned patience that has served me well during those 3.5 months kids were gone.
Patience and self control….BIGGIES!!!!
Don’t do anything too odd…….to get in parents ‘graces’……but don’t continue to alienate them…..I don’t think it will serve you well. IMHO.
Night…..
Thank you everyone! I would like to share my story – because I think it could help others…
I met my ex in the summer of 2004. He had been cheated on and left by his wife, and I had just come out of a relationship where I had been cheated on also. I was divorced with two children, whom I have primary custody of. I thought this guy was WONDERFUL. For two months he was everything I dreamed of, and more. Two months – I laugh at that now…
Month three, he began to act very strange, but I was already “hooked”. He started off small, trying to get me to change little things about me, about how I raised my kids, etc… and I did them – to keep him. If I were resistent to what he wanted, he became emotionally and physically unavailable – yet telling me how much he really DID want to be with me, until I’d cave. Sometimes I broke up with him, only for him to continuously manipulate me with a cycle – “poor me”, how much he was suffering, to how much he loved me and wanted to be with me… to angry and standoffish – he’d cycle around until I engaged. This continued from November of 04 to September of 05. I became pregnant (not planned), and sat down and had the whole talk about committing , and moving in together, etc… I was VERY unsure, but I wanted it, and thought he’d step up, quit being so self-gratifying and selfish – he was THE MOST selfish person I’d ever met in my life… and frugal to the point of being completely rude and embarassing to me, family and friends. Yet, he took care of HIM – but noone else.
I got very sick with my pregnancy, and I was virtually on my own. I moved the kids down to his home in December of 05. I was 4-5 months pregnant. Almost immediately, it got bad. He was already cheating on me with a co-worker and I was suspicious of it, he was lying constantly, emotionally abusive to my kids, extremely demanding about everyone respecting him – yet he respected NOONE…
By February, I was ready to move. He begged me to stay, yet he left, telling me he was staying with his grandfather. For two months, he mentally screwed with me, alternately pushing me away, begging me to take him back, having sex with me (I was now 7, 8 mos pregnant with our son) unprotected… all the while he was in another relationship with the co-worker – living with her and lying to me; manipulating me the whole time, so I wouldn’t go anywhere. I caught him at her house at 37 weeks pregnant. He lied, of course.
He moved back in when our son was born at the end of May, 2006. He waffled between promising me the world, to threatening me as to what would happen if I took our son and left him. He swore to me that he would do whatever it took to get my son from me. Whatever it took. I believed him. So I stayed; hoping he’d change, or I could find some safe way out.
I caught him cheating again in October – same girl. He assaulted me (left bruise from grabbing my arm while I tried to leave with my son), I pressed charges and left – moved out and took my three kids and everything with me. He called me restricted and threatened me. Told me he was going to have CPS take my kids from me – he would tell them he saw me shaking my son (who was 5 mos. old). He called my ex husband and asked him to ban together to get all the kids away from me.
When none of that worked, he then went to work on me… begging me – promising the world. Turning into everything I wanted… so we tried to reconcile – while living apart. We cycled around a bit – because of course he never did change – he just played a role for a couple months every time he lost me… the lying continued. The manipulation continued, and by this time – by end of 07, I knew… I had been reading, researching, learning… I had already had two counselors tell me that he exhibited signs of NPD, and needed extensive therapy; I knew what he was.
I decided at that point (beginning of 08) that the best course of action would be to wean myself away from him. I still had never filed for custody in court, and we were following a joint agreement of 50/50. I did that out of fear, and trying to placate him and be fair to him as a father, so he wouldn’t destroy my son. (that was my thoughts at the time).
In March of 08, our son was diagnosed with CF. I was devastated, but I turned that into a vow to always do anything and everything I could for my son… I am now VERY active in fundraising, the CF community, very knowledgeable on anything and everything I can be to help my son… I carry his health insurance, go to EVERY appointment, every function, etc… while my ex has only done so recently. He only began attending when I became engaged to someone new, who began to share my son’s life with me…
I met my (now) husband in July of 08. We dated for several months, and he moved in Feb. 09. By Aug of 08, I had weaned myself away from my ex enough that we were civil co-parents… but as soon as I began dating – he found out. He kept an eagle eye on me, and he knew right away. Then the shit hit the fan. He stalked on the internet, found out my boyfriend’s name, etc… He never knew his line of work though – police officer. In fact, the only reason I even agreed to date him was because I felt somewhat safe – because he was a police officer.
My ex continued to threaten and abuse from fall of 08, and onward… he said horrible things to me in front of our son, horrible things to my son in front of me…
“don’t worry Bill. Daddy’s gonna get you. I’ll make sure of it.”
“see – he doesn’t want to go with you… see – he doesn’t even LIKE you”
When my BF moved in and began coming to drop offs with me (he’d open the window to witness… we had begun documentation as things escalated), my ex would stand on the porch and say things like “you are awfully brave bringing your BOY around here”
New Years day 08, he took my son to the ER and warned me that there would be big trouble if I brought my “boy”. I didn’t. But the next CF appointment, I did bring him – to learn more about my son because we were now engaged… Feb 09. My ex – after not having gone for a year – since diagnosis – showed up, caused a huge scene, called security and had my fiance thrown out of the appointment. He kept saying “my son has ONE father and that’s ME” while holding our son.
I had had enough. I retained an attorney – one I could afford – not a great one – but I had to do SOMETHING. The guy was very kind, very understanding, and willing to work with me. I was willing to do a LOT of my own work… and so it began.
On April 24, my son was at his father’s and I was sup to be picking up that evening. I went – the daycare provider (ex’s aunt – at his insistence) refused to open the door and give me my son. I called the police. They couldn’t do anything without a court order – but they were friends of my fiance, and they wrote detailed reports for me – as to how the aunt refused to open the door to me or them, and how they could hear my son in there saying “mommy’s here… my mommy’s here” 🙁
Ex showed up and told the cops that he would not be returning my son to me until we had a court order in place. I freaked out – obviously… filed emergency petitions that were ignored… ex’s attorney stated that my child was in no danger – so I had to go through proper family law channels. His attorney postponed as much as she could… For nine months I was forced to sign agreements each time I saw my child; which was only visitation. My ex left the country to re-marry the wife that had left him for another man!!!! Yes – after hating her for years, he re-married her – three months after I filed for custody…. It is coincidental that she is also a police officer… my ex’s motivation was and is simply to even the playing field – as I was now married to my husband. He held my son hostage for those nine months thinking that he could show the court that the current schedule had been in place that long, and should remain that way.
I was put through an 8 hour deposition by his attorney. Thank God I did not get rattled, and she got NOTHING from it – except a lot of money from my ex. His attorney and he sent letters continuously, accusing me of doing everything that ex himself was doing – brainwashing my son, saying inappropriate things, etc….
Finally, we got into court on January 26 and 27. I was the plaintiff, so first on the stand. My attny and I outlined my fitness as a mother, my involvement in my son’s life, my knowledge of my son’s disease, etc…. methodically and factually. I outlined – with examples – my ex’s behavior over the past three years, and gave detailed examples (above) of what was said and done to and in front of my child.
The second day of trial, my ex’s attorney was hit by an SUV while crossing the crosswalk. Court was postponed until end of June. Meanwhile, the judge had heard enough of my testimony to get PISSED at my ex holding my son hostage, and she ordered a 50/50 arrangement, saying she was appalled at the current one.
My husband’s testimony was very similar to mine, and he also stated several instances that he had witnessed – and ones of my ex’s abuse towards him… he is a police officer and cannot lie on the stand – for fear of his career… the judge knew that, and totally believed his testimony. My ex husband also took the stand, vouching for me as a mother, stating how we’ve always co-parenting wonderfully, and also testified about my ex calling him to ban together – back in 06.
That was it on my side. His attorney spent a day and a half trying to twist my facts. She tried to paint circumstances in a different light that the truth, and I would calmly say “no, that is NOT what happened” – and then I would state the truth, in a calm and factual manner – NEVER letting her get a rise out of me.
On their side – they had the aunt – who we caught lying, the judge caught conspiring against me, and who was completely horrific with her words, attitude, and demeanor. He had a friend, whom the judge caught blatantly lying – after we started cross – about some crazy story where he said I endangered my son’s life. Never happened – and on cross he admitted the TRUTH – as I had written it to my attorney on a legal pad (smart to do – keep all your own notes – so your attorney can clearly read them – during all testimony – you’ll need to counter the lies). He was a horrific witness for them…
His wife was just ok. She was never a witness to anything, and she wouldn’t lie for him. So she wasn’t good or bad – except the judge caught on that they had been married before, so I think she figured out his motive there…
Ex took the stand last – we again had to postpone because his attny dragged it on and on. He was equally as horrific on the stand. He lied the entire time. He withheld a lot of his financial info – which we caught him on in cross. He threw every one of his witnesses under the bus in an attempt to lie and save his own ass – which he did not do. He contradicted himself terribly.
The one thing I reminded my attny of – over and over is that he would not answer any direct questions. He didn’t disappoint. He refused to answer almost every question, instead talking around and around – to my attorney and to the judge. So much so that they both had to practically yell at him to ANSWER THE QUESTION. One was about an hourly rate for snowplowing – and after three times – he still never answered. The judge’s questions – talked circles around them… several times each question – until she made him answer – then he lied. She knew.
The moral of my story – given enough rope, the dumb sociopath will hang themselves. I count my blessings that my ex is not a smart person. He only thinks he is.
The only thing I did to hurt myself – were the times I would engage with him… It took me a long time – but I finally learned not to – but the times when I had – they definitely blew out of proportion and used against me in court – in an attempt to make look as bad as him – and it worked to some degree.
There are many many other details, and I’d be happy to share any other advice that anyone needs. 🙂
Dear CF Mom,
I am going to give you advice that is different from ErinB’s– if you have had PROBLEMS with your parents all your life, and they are interfering with your son, and your son “hates” you, I have been in EXACTLY that same situation with my P-son when he was 15.
Your son may not be a Psychopath, but it sounds to me like your parents have no love or respect for you—that being the case. I wouldn’t even BOTHER TRYING TO GET FRIENDLY WITH THEM. Even if you try, I think all you will be doing is stiring up a “hornets nest” I don’t think they will buy it that all of a sudden you are deciding to like/approve/get friendly with them.
I agree with ErinB about NOT RESPONDING to anyone with a written or oral rant when you are mad. I MADE THAT MISTAKE MANY TIMES, TO MY REGRET **EVERY** TIME.
Being preg at a time like this is difficult for sure! Just do the best you can and be glad that you have a protective husband. God bless.
Dear CF Mom
Thank you so much for detailing your battle. I hope everyone on here with custody issues takes the time to read this very carefully. YOU DID EVERYTHING RIGHT !!!!!
The patience you showed while that slime ball had your son was remarkable. I know what it is like to file those emergency motions, knowing the child is in danger, and realizing NO ONE CARES.
I hope the CF is under control and he is healthy and happy and you all live a chaos free life from this point on.
Thanks so much for sharing
MiLo
OxDrover: I think you may be confusing me and another poster…
MiLo,
I didn’t do everything right – but I did enough right – and I am so thankful that I researched and was very careful…
My son is doing VERY well right now 🙂 The judge even picked up on a comment that I had made in court – I clipped his nails for the first time in over a year… he had been biting them so bad… I now never have to see my ex – when before, he had it set up that he would come to my home – where he would verbally abuse my husband and I each and every time. We refused to engage – and would continuously repeat “please email”. I refused to have ANY undocumented communication with him – which fueled him – since it was his way of getting at me…
I was supported in that by the court’s parenting class for high conflict situations – which I went to voluntarily (again – highly recommend that – it helped me in court). I was able to explain to the judge what I had learned about high conflict situations and parallel parenting… she brought it up as a good idea and put it in the order that I can choose any means of communication that I am comfortable with! AWESOME!
The key is to take their source of “feeding” away… His goal has always been to get to me verbally – and now he has no avenue to do so. I cannot control what he says to my son during his time with him (still 50/50 physical), but I know that my child is VERY bright and will pick up on what his dad is doing. In fact, he has already learned how his father grills him for info when he is with me (phone conversations), and he will avoid those questions… it is sad. For instance, on my birthday – I kept him out of daycare (was before court decision and son was in daycare at ex’s house with aunt still) and we spent the day together, then went out to dinner. Ex called, asking my son over and over where he was, who he was with, etc… and my son just said “we’re almost to the restaurant now so I gotta go”. We were nowhere near the restaurant yet, and I had said nothing to him – he’s FOUR – and has his dad somewhat figured out. See – ex was LIVID that he had no “control” that day – even though it was my designated time with my son, and my birthday.
In fact, during my time with him – (before court decision) – any time I did not have my son at his home in daycare, he would call several times, leaving messages demanding to know where he was and who he was with – and they tried to use that in court; when in reality it helped to show how manipulative and controlling he was… he just didn’t see it that way, because he believes that what HE wants is how it should be.
I anticipate that he will have a VERY hard time with the fact that I have been given sole legal custody. I’ve already put my son in a neutral, full time preschool/daycare – and away from the crazy aunt who consipired against me for the last three years, all the while pretending to be my “friend”. My son will go to school in my district, and I will make all major medical decisions. There are stipulations, and I never have and never will withhold information that he needs to be a good father – and to properly care for our son. I love my son too much, and my focus is HIM – as it should be. However – I am so thankful that he is no longer in the position to use my son as a tool for control and revenge against me. It was absolutely horrific to see it and lose him, and be powerless… I am eternally grateful and thankful that I continued to fight and didn’t give up.
About relatives: what I’ve learned is a basic rule… I do not engage with toxic people. Period. No matter who they are…. I don’t give them one ounce of my precious energy. Sometimes that means even family members 🙁
Momoftwins-
Hi, I am new to the site as well and completely understand what you are going through. I found this site about a week ago and in that short time it has saved my life! I was at my complete and utter bottom emotionally….distraught, isolating, not eating, not working out, losing my mind….and reading and reading and reading these posts, the articles and listening to advice (OxDrover and EB are solid! and everyone so far here appear empowered, smart, strong, positive).
My mom recently died…my father has alzheimer’s–very long story but as she was dying she called and begged me to come up -they live 5 hour drive away- and get my brother out of their lives…change locks, get power of attorny back-they had added him last year just in case but knowing it was risky-and asked for a restraining order against my brother from my father because my brother, might be spath, was raging at him, abandoned him one night, left him alone in the middle of the night. I had neighbors who are ex fbi and even the hosptial corroborate my brother left my father at home alone becuase my father somehow found a taxi to get him to the hospital to see my mom (small town) and luckily it was an honest taxi driver that I am trying to locate to thank. So, this story is complicated and long and i’ll try to make it concise..but the bottom line is my brother ended up talking with my ex spath who also has custody of my gorgeous daughter we adotped from china and who is my life and I was sole caretaker for first four years!! All the work I did while taking care of my mom (my brother never returned after abandoning my dad) was for naught. I found a stable alzheimer’s house for parents in case…and I ran around and in four days took care of everything…my dad was also dx with renal cancer. Needless to say I was overwhelmed trying to figure out how I was going to take care of both of them as a single woman working two jobs and also having to drive the opposite way to see daughter. Everything backfired and I can only say it is from being involved with spath and very sick if not spath brother who has been estranged from family for many years, is 61 a meth addict and alcoholic (states he doesn’t use but he drinks) has hep C, encephalopathy most likely…and he ended up getting guarianship of my dad! it is unreal and everyone who knows him and me and knows the truth are appalled. My poor father…so, because of my involvement with ex spath I currently do not have custody of daughter or my father and I am distraught!
It has been five years since divorce from spath and he has made my life hell. Tormented me, stalked me, had PI on me…has tons of money, is a physician…everyone thinks he is go…the judge adores him. He takes a grain of truth and whips it into a fantastic lie to make me look unstable..and because of my emotional pain of losing my daughter (i can still see her but after my mom died he ended up making it so I had to have supervised visits and I now drive five hours to see her for 2!) Since my mom’s death which I have barely been able to grieve due to this added stress from spath and brother my life went from bad to worse with spath, something I never believed would be possible since I was already in a lot of pain.
As I read and learn and listen I see things clearly. Or, rather, more clearly as I have a lot to learn. I am seeing where I was vulnerable to be targeted by spath and those behaviors have stopped! I also see how my sick sick brother believes he is entitled to inheritance and that is what this is all about. It has nothing to do with loving my dad. My father is deathly afraid of brother. My brother broke my mom’s arm when I was about 10. I watched it. There was always that kind of chaos going on with him. He has always hated me and has a chip on his shoulder to anyone who has anything at all in life. My brother hasn’t worked in 20 years….he didn’t go to college. He could have. He made his choices but blames the rest of us for his failures. the scary part is this: so far the system has faileld me in a big way. Adult protective services did not listen to me and ignored what my brother did. I didn’t know of the last hearing and that is when my brother put a restraining order on me against my father. It is amazing~I was shocked, when my brother has been the sick and unstable and dangerous one. the neighbor even came over and told me he called the police to let them know that he is armed and worried about my brother (he’s ex fbi) and told them that he would be on the scene if anything happened and was armed….even the police took sides with my brother! a policeofficer actually said to me on the phone “I can’t believe a word you say after what your brother and ex husband said”
I am a psychologist! I don’t believe what ex spouses say when they call to try to undermine clients who have children and custody issues.
So even as a counseling psychologist I got involved with spath (although this is a career change for me and I just finished grad school 2 years ago and was married twelve years ago to spath)
The system needs educating. In a very big way. We need support from each other and I am grateful I found this site.
So far this week I have taken a couple of days to stay off computer to change my thought process and outlook. I am eating. I am getting out and not isolating. I am doing the things that need to be done that I have just given up on out of sheer exhuastion. I call my daughter on schedule…I set up a time that I can call her 3-4 days a week so there is no phone tag and missed calls. I am planning on going to work in her school on Fridays and see her on Saturdays (every other) if possible…but my ex has lied about me, slandered me, taken small truths and built a picture that makes me look unstable and the fact is HE is unstable but who knows if I will be able to work in her school. I’ll try.
I just read an article that was listed on a post somewhere about the 12 characteristics of sociopath and it was ex spath in every single sentence except for the female spath! I couldn’t believe it. Everything was him. Needing attention…he plays piano (a five song repertoire only) and I studied piano for 15 years but does he tell anyone I play? NO! He puts on concerts wtih the 5 songs he knows. It is hysterical. I was a nurse anesthetist prior to marrying him but when were on youth group trips (something he added himself to when he saw the attention I got from the kids!) and someone needs medical help he would NEVER want me to help him. He has to be the man. He told me one time, right before I left him that 1.) he was speaking in tongues…he is a christian and I started feeling like I was being brainwashed) and 2.) he said reading a christian book (an author that was ousted from the christian community…an author I thought was very scary) that he needed to be Warrior, King, Rescuer and one other chauvinistic trait and I told him that was enough. I was done trying to fix and save him. And us. When I moved out little did I know my real hell would begin.
So, momoftwins, hang in there! You will get a lot of support and suggestions here and I will continue to read and turn this around. I am trying to undersatand how to backspath and learn how to deal with his manipulations. I am not engaging with him at all. I have set contact up through his third wife (first wife will corroborate my story…her’s is same but she was lucky. No kids with him, she had a miscarriage and left him and said she was so grateful she miscarried. she knew what she was in for-smart lady!) I am now less emotional. I will make sure i come across completely sane and together and I am changing my thinking so I don’t continue to tell myself that I am a loser and deserve this for some reason. He has done a number on my self esteem. I used to be fun, happy, feel pretty good…self supporting, great job. I am practically homeless at this point from ex spath’s antics. So my dailly affirmations come from getting up and doing what I can each day to work towards normalizing my life.
This turned out to be a much longer post then intended…but I just wanted to tell you that I can completely relate and understand the power of these guys with credentials. The community believes them. Even my own church who knew my ex spath raped me, abused me financially, raged at me and was addicted to internet pornography and knew he took ambien and would operate on it (he’s surgeon) and not recall operating on it! NO ONE would believe me…yet it was all documented…the rape, the rage..he even “apologzied” for the rape which was pathetic. The therapist said to me later “he’s not ready. You and your D are not his bottom, his reputation and money are his bottom. He is not accountable” and then when ex spath said, in therapy, “I have no empathy or compassion for women close to me” I thought that’s it. There is nothing to work with here and I left. Yet the judge, the Ph.D psychologist who did the custody eval everyone…beleived him and my church family abandoned me.
Keep reading all the articles and back posts. They are very informative and helpful and will give you energy and support to help you go forward!
Thanks CF Mom, yes, it should have been addressed to MOM OF TWIN GIRLS. Lots of “moms” here. Sorry about that.
CF mom, about your post—good for you! I’m glad you are winning this war and maybe, just MAYBE your x will lose interest in your son. Glad your son is catching on though. Bright kid!
I am in total agreement with you about not engaging toxic people, no matter who they are! Even (especially?) family!