Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Dear Chinagirl,
Your mention of going to your daughter’s schooll to volunteer is interesting. A friend of mine for over 30 years raised her GD from age 0 to age 8. Her son had custody and the son and GD lived with my friend. Son is a Psychopath, probably lower level, but definitely toxic.
He remarried when the girl was 8 and then moved out and REFUSED ALL CONTACT between the GM and the child. His excuse was “I want her to bond with my new wife” (a BPD) the ONLY way my friend could see her GD was to volunteer at the school.
My friend finally “made friends with” the girl’.s mother (another BPD) and the girl’s mother would allow the girl to see her grandmother. The girl is now almost 14 and is growing up to be a lovely young lady in spite of her father and the BPD he is married to (the girl’s mother is also a BPD) so it is amazing to me that this child has managed to turn out so wonderfully in spite of her genetics. Her now-82 year old grandmother I think is the ONLY reason. BTW the GM still works 4 part time jobs =40+ hours a week.
ErinBrock-
I wanted to comment on your post above….about the scene with spath and changing parenting days….
It’s brilliant! I spent the past five years, like a dummy, fighting against spath. it was always a power struggle in the marriage why i thought it would be better out of the marriage? It must have been the vicodin…LOL (Obviously kidding)
I did try a few times to be polite and nice but I’d soon forget and let him trigger me back into old ways. He once even wrote me an email asking for forgiveness, saying he didn’t want any more animosity and wanted healing and to move on. I was shocked. I didn’t believe it but I wanted to. And all I said was I’ll believe it when I see it. Which was stupid of me. I should have said nothing…but he never mentioned it again and of course got worse. I wondered if he was getting ready to suprise attach me when he wrote that because there were so many times he had an agenda and I was naive and he’d attack with what he really wanted. He used D as a pawn one time…flew into town after vacation and said I could have her that week extra and I made work arrangements and said yes, I’ll take her (I ALWAYS took her when he offered and never missed time with her unless my mom was sick and it was maybe 3 days in five years) So the day he was flying in he text me and said “Bring her passport or you don’t get her”. So by this time my D is all excited she will see me and there was NO way I’d let her down. I wanted to keep her passport because I was planning a trip to Canada and needed it. And he knew that. this was in the beginning when I still didn’t quite realize what was happening. Slow learner and recovering from a cult-ish type brain washing with him. Even my mom one time told me she thought I was brainwashed by the way I was talking about life and my good friend said same thing. Interesting.
I look forward to using new skills in future. Like you said, keep mouth shut, bspath (which I am still trying to learn), strike.
I found attorney, I just don’t have money to retain him yet.
But thanks for great advice
OxDrover
That is so great about your friend. I always worked in school when my son was young and it just hit me yesterday. Why not? It would also then show I did something out of the “box” and independent of the minimum I can do. It is difficult because of the drive (6 hours round trip), staying in hotel (not much money) paying the therapist who supervises and only seeing her 2 hours every other week but hopefully it will be a positive.
CF mom,
Reading your story, I was reminded of how we can choose to NOT be a victim or remain forever trapped in victimhood. How much you went through and you still had a positive attitude. I wasn’t all about you but it was all about what was best for your children. I really admire that.
Lesson to self, document everything. The spaths logic can be so overpowering that I feel like my mouth is agape and my eyes are crossed. I never thought there were people like them in the world. And I never wanted to belong to this club. Cest la vie, I guess. That’s life.
Anyway, your story was inspiration and I’m glad you chose to share it. Give ’em enough rope, how true. What gives them more rope is that they are so arrogant they think everyone will believe them. The contradictions they try and talk themselves out of, oh lordy, how they can talk.
Hope4joy
Dearmom, I am so sorry that you have been treated this way, especially when you most needed support, and acceptance. It really reeks. I have struggled with depression, too, with a major incident about 20 years ago. OMG, the pain, the heart-whenching sadness, the hopelessness and dispair. I just can’t tell you how my heart goes out to you!
I think Oxy’s right, though. A clean bill of health from a respected shrink will go a very long way with a judge. He will also take into account the fact that YOU raised them all yourself with virtually NO help.
My prayers are with you.
Mom;
Everything you wrote ‘explaining’ your journey with depression is VALID and sounds very rational andlogical……that is exactly what you’d tell a judge!
Depression is not a character flaw…..and look how you’ve come out of it?
Everyone has a story…..it’s what we do with our story that judges look at.
Okay…..You are defeating yourself even before the ‘game’ has started……
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!!! stop the self doubt.
NONE of us are perfect! NONE……
So why do you think a judge will expect you to be? HE WON”T!
Who cares what parents or spathhave to say…..
Get out and build a ‘team’…….your raising your kids……document it!
You need a ‘team’…..now get out there and ‘collect’ one.
A team is…..people who see how you live and can document your parenting…..
this is being proactive.
You may be worrying for nothing……he hasn’t filed anything yet.
Build confidence…..that’s what you need!
If your certain your house is built with good brick and mortar…..NOTHING, even the big bad wolf, can’t blow it down.
Start building girl!
Dear Mom.,
I agree with ErinB, “depression is not a character flaw” (and I would if this ever goes to court, get my attorney to SAY just that to the judge. This is a medical illness just like any number of illnesses, and I AM TREATING IT MEDICALLY BY FOLLOWING MY PHYSICIAN’S Rx-s. ( medication and therapy) I would get my Therapist and my psychiatrist to either write letters to the judge or to appear in court if possible to say “she is not crazy”
I had an almost IDENTICAL story to yours about going to nursing school with (2) kids on my hip—my parents offered at that time SUPPORTIVE help with the kids (NO MONEY) and we lived close together (11 miles apart) They seemed very supportive.
Later, though, as punishment (I think) for me moving away from them, my egg donor started TAKING OVER my P-son AGAINST my wishes and they BOTH “hated” me until he started to get in trouble with the law again and then she (supposedly didn’t know) but HE wanted to come live with me again in a city distant to her residence. He came home. i.e. SHE LET HIM determine the situation. Took his “side” against me, etc.
I also, after she AGAIN took his side, in my emotional upset wrote letters and e mails to her and to him (he’s in prison) that I would give my RIGHT ARM to have back again.
I am thinking more and more that you probably will be better off with letting “sleeping dogs lie” as far as your parents are concerned. I don’t think you will accomplish much if they are solidly on your X’s side AGAINST you. It seems to me that at the best option, they are “psychopaths-by-proxy” doing his bidding and any attempt you make toward them is going to be interpreted as an attempt to get your son back from them, and they are NOT going to take a chance on that. I think they think (Here is a big chance for error) but I think they think if your X proves you are crazy/un-fit or whatever, he gets the twins, but THEY get an unlimited CUSTODY over your son, which is how them working with the X benefits them.
So it isn’t that they care so much for your X, it is that THEY BENEFIT if he knocks you to your knees about child custody, because THEIR HORSE IN THIS RACE is your son. If they can put you UNDER THE TRACK and out of the race, both they and your X get a photo-finish TIE for first place.
I agree with ERIN B on you “building a team” and I would start with that and put all my energy on that. I think contacting your son’s grandparents is going to back fire or not do anything to help. I would think about sending HIM cards or small gifts for BD and Xmas etc. but nothing flashy. Simple with “I love you” on it but not much more.
Good luck, and these are just thoughts for you to think about. The ultimate decision is yours, and only you can see the whole photo. BEst wishes and God bless. (((hu8gs))))
Momoftwins,
My suggestion to you is to get yourself into therapy, show you are actively doing something to help your depression and/or past depression. You can discuss going back on meds. (when it is safe for you and the baby) with the therapist. If you are doing your best to get the help, the court is going to look at THAT because they tend to look at what is happening in the here and now rather than the past.
Depression should not be the problem, not seeking the proper help will be.
Good luck, take care of yourself NOW to protect your unborn baby.
Thinking of you – MiLo
Hello, I just found this site and am shocked to see how many people there are out there who are dealing with the same type of problems that I am. I would like to explain my situation and then ask a few questions. I was married to a S with N for 12 years. I have 4 children 2 from a previous marrage and 2 from the marrage with him. He emotionally abused the 2 older children and myself (even to the point that my 19 year old ended up having a nervous break down and in the psych ward for a week) for the entire 12 years. His way of keeping me around was by playing on my selfworth. I was always told that I could never find anyone who would love me other than himself, and so on. After 12 years of the abuse I finally gained the streingth to leave him, however he keep comming back manipulating me and the children to let him come back into the house. Even though we were separated I allowed him to come back. While he was in the house he committed a federal fellony crime. I could not tollerate this behavior and I turned him in for this crime. He already had 2 fellonys and 12 misdemenors on his reccord and He was suppose to serve a mandatory 20 year sentance but as we all know how S’s are he mannaged to manipulate his way out of the sentance and only had to serve 1 year. Since he was released from prison he has done everything in his power to make my life a living hell. He uses the children against me. Talks bad about me to them even calling me the C word to my 12 year old daughter. He always threatens to try to take custoy of the children away from me, which I know he cant but it gets really old having to watch my every move in fear that he is going to call CPS on me as he has done. I have been so overwhelmed and steressed out because he refuses to pay child support (his reason for this is that he refuses to support my life style) He has worked under the table and has supported a great lifestyle for his new wife and her children. Then to top it all off he recently bought the house across the street from me. It feels like such a slap in the face. I work my hind end off to support the children alone, live with my mother and drive a car that has been totaled not being able to afford a new one, while he flaunts his new house, nice cars, his wifes 30k diamond on her finger and supports her children. This guy even has the nerve to send my children home when it is time for his family to eat, refusing to feed our kids. My question is how can I prove that he is working under the table earning a wage, has this nice house and great vehicles when he hides everything behing his new wife. One more concern I have is that my 9 year old that we had together has already been diagnosed with severe ADHD and ODD, what are the chances that he will end up like his father?
DearTired of games,
I bet you ARE tired of the games! I’m glad that you are here and found this wonderful place to learn and to heal and to realize you are NOT alone.
Read and read and read some more. LEARN about them. Knowledge-power. There are some people here who will help you, and as you know it is a long process to heal and to survive.
God bless you! (((Hugs)))) Again, WELCOME!!!!