Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Dear OkieEd,
Man I am so sorry you are having to “buy” your child’s safety…and in such a risky situation as well, because it all has to be “under the table”—I hope that you do have an attorney advising you on this as well.
Maybe you could get some friend of yours to marry you and adopt the child and the X-P would allow this for a one time payment. That would at least secure your child “another parent” in case something happened to you. So if you have a female friend you can trust, maybe I hear wedding bells????????
I just can’t see a psychopath HONORING ANY AGREEMENT.
I would have to find SOME WAY to make sure it was a DONE DEAL even if I had to move to another state or find a marriage (partner) to adopt the child. BUT I don’t think I could bring myself to trust a psychopath, once shges’ gone through the big pay out, the yearly pay outs may not be enough to keep her away!
Think about it. God bless and good luck!
Freemama here again… still not really free, of course, but trying.
So my ds started kindergarten last week, and I suppose I should have seen it coming. The spath is trying to sabotage my relationship with his school, just like he successfully did with my son’s daycare.
I got an e-mail from him telling me that he met with the principal and vice-principal of the school, and they “both agreed” that we should “stick with the parenting plan” and go back to my pre-work/pre-school schedule (which he did agree to modify a few weeks ago) which would essentially give me one evening with my ds. I take him to school, and my neighbor picks him up Mondays and Tuesdays and watches him until I get off work. The rest of the time I take him and pick him up, getting only Wednesday and Thursday evenings with him, which is very hard on me as it is. His proposal with his work schedule would mean we would have to pay for preschool and after school programs and I would only get Thursday evening with my ds. Oh and he said he would throw in occasional weekend day before I go to work. Nice.
I fired back an e-mail saying he had no right to discuss our personal legal matter with anyone from the school. It is totally unethical. I kept it simple there. Now I’m pondering how to tell this principal to please respect my boundaries with him, and I don’t know how to do it. I know he’s done his usual pre-emptive strike about how crazy and controlling I am, so I don’t want to reenforce that, though I am pretty pissed. Should I reveal that I’m a survivor of DV and have a restraining order against the guy for good reason? It just seems a bit hypocritical to tell someone not to interfere with my personal business by telling her about my personal business.
Ugh I hate this man. Like I don’t have enough to deal with!!!!
Dear Freemama,
Glad to see you back!
Since you asked. I would show the principal the restraining order, and tell him/her that you would appreciate it if they did not discuss the scheduling of parental visitation and/or custody with either of you alone, that you are (as it is) adhereing to a court ordered/agreed on schedule and that the school will be notified in writing if anything changes that they need to be aware of with BOTH signatures and/or an attached court order.
I would be very nice but business-like with this and maybe start out by saying, I’m sure you had no way of knowing, but there is a restrainiing order between XYZ and me (show copy) and I would appreciate it if….then go into the above request. You might even give them this request in writing (check with your attorney first before giving it in writing)
If you get any flack from the principal (I bet you won’t) then go to he superintendent and make the same request.
I would not let him change anything unless it is to your advantage. He is obviously trying to go behind your back to get this done, so My guess is that it is to just keep the DRAMA-RAMA going for his entertainment.
Good luck, and stay strong!!! You can do it!!!
For everyone,
Now that I have some semblence of safety with sole legal custody and a court order, I am learning how to just STOP responding to his madness. I always defended in the past out of fear, so his statements did not become TRUTH in anyone’s eyes.
My order states that I notify my ex of all of my son’s appointments; school, medical, dental, etc… with one week’s notice – and that I can use any method I choose. However, in emergencies I must call or text him for immediate notification. Makes total sense. (BTW I refuse to have any undocumented communication with him and the judge is on board with that).
I made our son an eye doc appt on Sept 9 – for a small bump on his lid that wasn’t going away. I emailed X immediately with full info – date and time, docs name, address, etc…
My husband and I guessed yesterday how it would go down. My ex would not come to the appt (which is totally fine – it was MINOR), but he would come up with some reason to blame me, and to find me in contempt of the order somehow – he does it CONSTANTLY…
Well, after the appt (no show), I text him with an update, and of course he said he knew nothing of any appt. I stated simply that an email was sent on 9/9, and he replied that no text was sent and that I NEED to send texts so he is informed.
I was going to elighten him on how our order actually reads, but no….. I’m not engaging today! Instead, I think I’ll go home and exercise and have filet mignon with my family 🙂
ScaredCFMama
Why don’t you communicate with your ex through OurFamilyWizard? Everything will be documented, and he will no longer be able to claim that he didn’t receive your message.
See http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2010/03/15/our-family-wizard-can-help-you-co-parent-with-a-sociopath/
I should have listened, I should have realized the snake analogy was true.
Last week spath said he would do anything to keep us together, was crying everyday, etc. I thought he was having a break down and he said he would address sexual addiction with the psychologist. I sent him there alone, thinking he would really open up without me there. Well, wammo. He went into the denial at the psychologists and how my anxiety is causing our problems.
He was crying all morning. while I was at school, went to see the priest at the church and cried to him about how much he wanted our relationship to work and the priest apparently told him that divorce was a sin and to stay together.
I was feeling sorry for spath all this time because I thought he was really having a break through. He was seeking help for the sex thing and the depression.
Well, whatever he told the psychologist was crap. SuppoIsedly the psychologist told him to tell the kids that I have anxiety and may be projecting onto them negative feelings about spath. Never mind that daughter has a voice and knows that this is all crap! Pay no attention to the fact that she said she will run away if he doesn’t leave because she hates him and thinks she is talking to a brickwall (me) because I keep giving him chances.
What do these professionals know? They aren’t immune to the spath crazy making.
I was a complete idiot!!!! I am not perfect but why does it always come back to me and it being my fault. Gawd!!! Daughter said he would never change, she is sooo right! I am worried for her again because I thought she was not thinking of running away again. I will call her therapist tomorrow so they can talk about it. Daughter is so angry and I feel like I’m the cause of it. The psychologist is blaming me as well.
What I fail to understand is spaths motivation for staying. What’s with the crying and praying and pleading.
Has anyone gone through this with their spath? Can’t they just give up?
Thanks for listening, maybe next time I will listen when someone recognizes that he is a dangerous snake and unable to change.
Hi there
I was sent a registered letter written by Spath (not by a lawyer). It was filled with accusations. I am not sure what to do. He has called 2 times because he wants to discuss the contents of the letter with me. I am avoiding him because I dont feel like I owe him anything. However, I am doubting if my choice to avoid him is the right choice????? What if avoiding him makes him escalate into doing more (like filing for custody…my biggest fear….I still think this is the main goal , but so far, no papers served to me yet)
So, in the letter he address the fact I have “cut off” a relationship with my son and parents since my son went to live wth them. He claims he is “concerned for the twins if they dont have a relationship with my parents and their brother” While it is true I do not talkto my parents because they are toxic , I have made efforts to communicate with my son and I am allowing the twins to call my parents and their brother. Spath is NOT the father of my son and he has hated my parents FOREVER…..I feel like he really doesnt care about the relationship the twins have with my parents and son…I think it is just an excuse to get involved in something that is not his buiness. So, of course he has been letting the twins call my parents and son from his house. This is a big deal because these people have not spoken for years and years and have always hated eachoter.
My son is now communicating with Spath, who is not his father, and there is no reason for them to have a relaitonship….they have not even spoken in 7 years. My son has told Spath things because my son is angry with me. He told spath that family and childrens was involved with me. This is true, but it was because I called myself to get advice about my son, and they have a policy that they talk to all children in the home. So, spath now is claiming I am unfit because I “concealed involvement of family and childrens from him regarding the twins” I am very upset my son is doing this….I am scared there will be another invstigation….it is embarrassing to go through this stuff, I know people who work there and I am tired of spath harrassing me. I know this is not out of genuine concern. Spath is just happy he finally has someone on his side who will give him dirt on me. I think my parents have also said a lot too.
My son told him there were times I was so depressed I was unable to care for the twins. So, he said something about that in the letter too.
The letter also claims that if he doesnt give me money to help with extra things for the twins, then I keep the kids away from him. I ask him for money a lot, because he doesnt pay much at all for CS, and I cant afford their extra activities by myself. But I have never kept them from him. I let him have them whenever he asks. But I do ask for money too. Is this wrong? I think he should pay more, he intentionally is under employed so he doesnt have to pay me much CS. He is 40 and has never had a full time job. EVER. I have the kids full time and have managed to put myseld through school and work too…and pay for everything for the twins their wh ole life.
I dont know if I need to respond to these allegations. He said if we cant tlk then we need to have the courts mediate. I feel like I want to defend myself , and I also want to givehim a piece of my mind for being so sneaky, but I am not sure this will help me in the long run.
I need a solid visitation schedule with spath, because the current one has too many open ends.I am afraid if I pursue a visitation schedule he will respond by going for custody.
I feel paralyzed by fear of what his intentions are. Do I need to/should I respond to a registered letter?? Just because it is registered does it have any more validity?? I am sure it doesnt. But it just feels more scary. He has never sent me a registered letter, so I cant help but wonder what he is up to. Waiting is the hardest part. I cant stop thinking about it. I would like to take action myself, but what would I do???
I am doubting my decision to ignore his calls right now. I have let him talk to the kids, but I dont talk to him myself. I think he will just get me upset and he controls the conversation….
I do have an appointment with a lawyer in a few days. I am just cuious what you ladies would do if you were in my shoes? I guess I fear that if I dont respond….then i might look bad if we end up in court? Like, I was not willing to communicate with him and I was keeping things from him? I have always openly communicated with him….but now I feel it is dangerous. I feel like every word I say will be manipulated for his use. I used to never talk to him…just emails….and I wou never get dragged into arguing with him. But I let my guard down over the last few years and have opened up too much and have talked too much.
Just got word that the twins teacher has a letter for me. I know it is regardign something to do with spath. Spath says he wants to be more involved now. He nevr has before. But, he will find any way to drive me craz y.
How do I deal with teacher and school? Do I let them know about what he is like? His past abuse against me? Or is that too much inormation? Would I look vindictive if I do this?
How come he can contact everyone….my ex bf, family, my pastor inmy church, the twins teacher….who knows who else…and gt away with it??
How come people dont tell him “I dont want to get involved” when he dishes dirt on me?
I am sure if I went and tried to dish dirt on him over and over that I would just look like a nut.
He just tried to call me for the third time in a row to discuss his stupid registered letter. I dont answer. But I am afraid of looking uncooperative in the eyes of a court if it ends up in court.
How much do I owe this monster????????????? I AM SO SICK OF THIS
Mom of twins, I’m not sure about the significance of the registered letter, but you have an apt with an attorney soon. Ask him about it…For now, I would not respond in any way. He’s baiting you, and if you remain detached he can’t pull your strings. He wants you to feel intimidated, hurt and defeated! He is playing dirty, that’s for sure. He’s turning everyone against you, and making sure you know it. He cloaks his true intentions with an act of concern….ie. he’s so concerned about his daughters…Yeah, right!
Don’t tell him ANYTHING. He CANNOT BE TRUSTED!
He is the enemy. He doesn’t care one wit about you or those kids…if he did he would have been there to help you through your depression, and would be supporting you now, so that you can have a healthy, happy life. If anything, he’s actively sabatouging you.
I believe that everything will come out in the wash…the judge will see through him and will recognize that you are a good and competant mother, but the fact remains that you have got to remain wise and vigilant.
My opinion: DO NOT RESPOND IN ANY WAY…everything you say, can and will be used against you.
Dear Mom,
We know for a fact that your disordered son, who lives wsith your toxic parents is not “your friend”—so therefore the P is using your son and your parents as weapons against you, and I am not sure how you can stop that and still appear “nice.” (you are RIGHT to want to stop it, but APPEARANCES in court are sometimes better than being RIGHT!)
This is complex enough that I think you should say or do nothing until you speak with an attorney.
God bless you.l Sounds like you are caught between the devill and the deep blue seq. not a good spot at all. ((((Hugs))))