Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
hoeforjoy – i wish ihad more time to write to you right now.
please don’t trust him. he is playing you. being married provides many advantages to these people, and that is what he may be trying to keep. they also like to ‘win’. please don’t ever forget that.
the counsellor sounds dangerous to your situation. forgive me, i don’t remember the details, but this person will not help YOU and your daughter.
best,
one step
One Step,
Thanks for your advice, it is a difficult situation, I don’t see what he has to gain from staying. What adds insult to injury is that he is always crying and wants me to hug him and console him. Sometimes I think I am just a cold hearted biatch because I can’t reciprocate. He just sucks me dry emotionally. Why would I console someone who continues to lie to me and the therapist and blame me for his lies?
The counselor who has seen “the most married couples in the state” is barking up the wrong tree. I don’t care about his supposed credentials, he has no cred. with me! My therapist is frustrating me as well, she seems to be doing a little back stepping and riding the fence.
Nobody knows how badly these people can lie, and lie and lie. Outsiders look at the situation and think I’m jaded. How would they know the hell this man has put me through, and with the crying all the time, continues to do damage to my psychological well being. I’m not saying poor me, I know one day this will end and I will be able to live a more healthy life and my children will too. I need to take care of me to best take care of them.
You are right about trying to “win”, it’s so insidious and I really didn’t see it before. I was in the fog of believing what he told me. Seriously thought he was so bright and intuned that I must be nuts to think he would do anything to hurt me. It sort of changes your view on humanity. It’s not like someone just used me for sex, one night stand kind of thing, he used every part of me for his own gratification.
It was always all about him, and he would pretend to be so magnanimous. So sensitive. What a vile lie.
Detachment all the way.
I cant tell you how much it helps just to know I am not the only one dealing with this nightmare. Ive read all the great advice on the issue of custody, as I am going through the worst situation ive ever had to deal with. consider myself very easy to get along with, and truly all I ever wanted in this life is a good mariage and to take care of my children. I was married for 15 years, the first 9 were pretty good because everyone got along. we had three children, now ages 10, 11 and 14. When I started to notice that my mother in law and sister in law were very contolling and dominating, I started to distance myself frrom them. My husband, who had always let his mother make all his decisions, did not support me in this and started to turn against me. He had always been very controlling and jealous, but now it seemed like overnight I became the “enemy”. In the last few years the abuse really escalated, he would put me down, try and make people and myself think i was crazy, and very slowly I noticed he was trying to make my children think I was crazy and not a good mother. I asked him to leave and he refused. Last december his mother actually accused me of robbing her house, and he did not support me, but instead insisted I bring documents to the police that would clear me, which I did. After this I realized I had to get out and get my children out, as these people were really getting crazy in their effort to try and get me to leave, which is what my husband wanted.
As I made a plan to safely get my childen and I out, i began to document his abuse. I filed a DV complaint in apil against him, but stupidly didnt get a restraining order as I was afraid of his retaliation. Sure enough, he found out and 3 weeks later set me up in a physical fight and had ME arrested. I wont go intp details but Im sure you all know how convincing these nuts are, and as a result he made the judge believe I was a drug addict and he got temp. custody of my kids and thew me out of my house! He also got a restraining order against me! Since then, he has done eveything in his power to keep me from my kids, though that is not so hard anymoe because he has told them SOOO many awful thigs about me that my daughter will not even talk to me. Ive gone to a judge 2 times to request a change of custody as these kids are SO traumatized, but as you know, if the kids dont have bruisess all over them, then theyre not in danger according to the court. He has fooled the court, he fooled DYFUS, he has even turned one of my own sisters against me! This has gone on since May, we were supposed to go to court regarding his interference with contact in September and he conveniently had it postponed till Octobe 28. Oh I forgot to mention, he has also had me put in jail 3 more times after the original arrest, for ridiculous technicalities about the restraining order( I sent him a note enclosing some of his belongings and thaat is considered contact, stuff like that) as a result, he got to teell my children mommy went to jail 3 times because she is a criminal. So I have filed for divorce, but I am scared to death of what he, his mothe and his awful sister are going to make up about me when i fight for custody. Any advice? All the advice i have read here already is great, but I am terrified because I know my children are so scared that they are going to say whatever he has told them to! I just cant believe someone would be THIS CRUEL to their own children! I am so scared of my babies being raised by this monster and his horrible family! thanks for listening…I do have an attorney, but i dont think he sees how serious this is…
Dear Fightingmom,
I am so sorry that all this has happened to you, but You have landed in a place of support and more importantly INFORMATION.
There are many of us here who are victims of the CALVARY of FAMILY riding out to hunt us down like the US exterminating the Indians—-without pity and without quarter, going all out for destroying us and kidnapping our children and convincing them that we are evil.
You know what you are dealing with—a monster. You may not win every battle, and some times you may be required to go into “emotional” or “physical” HIDING in order to stay safe.
Yes, they can be this cruel to their own children and FAR WORSE. Right now, I know you love your children but you FIRST MISSION that you must maintain is to SURVIVE to fight another day. On an airliner the preflight information tells you that if the oxygen mask falls down and you are with a small child, PUT YOURS ON FIRST because YOU must survive and be healthy in order to take care of your children later. So PROTECT YOURSELF FIRST so that you can be there for them later.
You ARE NOT ALONE!!!! China girl is in the same boat—her husband has her kids and she has only supervised visits. Not good situation, but she is learning to work within the confines of what is the FACT, not what she would WANT THE FACTS TO BE.
That was part of the hardest thing for me was to accept WHAT IS vs WHAT I WANTED it to be.
If you have a faith in a Higher Power, now is the time to call upon that for COMFORT. My God doesn’t always answer my prayer the way I want it answered or when I wanted it answered, or how I want it answered (He’l not good at taking dictation! LOL) BUT I feel strongly that I have been given what is in MY BEST INTEREST when I needed it and how I needed it, even though I might not have seen it at the time. Now, I can realize I was given some painful but necessary lessons but always given the strength to stretch out and accomplish them. No lessons so difficult I couldn’t do them. God bless. ((((Hugs))))
thanks so much I probably havent been praying enough because I cant focus on anything right now it is the MOST helpless and desperate feeling to know that youre children are being hurt and you cant help them, and the courts just dont seem to care…but thanks!
fightingmomof3,
I have three children with a sociopath (thankfully, we’re separated). What you went through is undeserved, being attacked by your husband and his sick family members. Having these disordered people in our lives is an uphill battle, testing us to the limits. I wish that you never had to go through the things that you’ve faced. Be strong and keep walking (knowing that it’s hard to do so). God bless you.
When you are going through hell, KEEP WALKING! Dont stay in it. You have my deepest sympathy for what your going through. Its unfair, all of its unfair. They are the lie, from hello to Goodbye.
My thoughts and prayers,Love,
Gem.
hopeforjoy – if the counsellor feels compelled to market himself with notion that he has seen “the most married couples in the state”, i wold be compelled to walk the other way.
you have the spath’s number. you know now, and coming to terms with how messed up it is takes time and going deeper through layers of what we think should have been, was or is. He’s a big manipulator and the more he turns it on – well, he’s just upping his game. This is a good sign that what you are doing is effective.
it must be SO hard! More power to you for holding your course – it really is a herculean effort. keep going!
best,
one step
EB – if you are out there – your description of the ‘voodoo’ doll (we’ll just call it a ‘doo’ doll in this case) made me laugh. Part of me thought, naw, i really want to whack HER, doo doll won’t do…
but i am going to do something this week – some sort of ritual. I quite liked the idea of burning the sock puppets…have to go find some old nasty sox….or maybe just and old nasty shoe to stuff them all into and set afire. fire is good for me. maybe i will do fire and water. that works in terms of what she stole from me, too…the life i wanted.
this bitch will not win. in the moments that i feel this, i feel freedom is possible.
One….
Nourish your soul with fire and water……
Great idea!
Freedom IS possible darlin. 🙂