Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Dear EB,
Yea, I’m going to the sleep doc to have my mask bedazled, so I will at least look like a FEMALE version of DArth Vardar! How cool, right! and see if I need to turn the pressure up!
My older cousins after they retired used to call this the “doctor trot” but I am not “sick” per se, just have to go get tuned up on a regular basis (“regular” being more often than every 5-6 years!)
So, now we have to get our FLU and Pneumonia vaccines, one yearly and one every 5 years.
Then our herpes zoster vaccine in case we get the “shingles” toi keep it from feeling like a red hot iron.
Then we have to get our boobs squashed yearly.
And our yearly eye exam (comes free) but the new glasses don’t
Our hearing tested–comes free if you buy the hearing aids.
At 50 we start with the colonscopy trick where in the words of the immortal Dave Barry, “they’re gonna do WHAT with that garden hose????”
Of course now we have to watch our cholesterol and triglicerides and our new diet is IF IT TASTES GOOD, SPIT IT OUT!!!!! To keep the portion size from looking small, it is served on a playing card used for a PLATE!
Then of course there are the twice a year marches to the dentist
Also, now that you are retired, you have the time to take the cat and the hamster and the dog all for their shots too! Sit with a sick neighbor when they have to go, baby sit for the young couple next door when they go in to have their 3rd new baby in three years. Yep, lots of time on your hands!!!!!
I often wonder how I ever had time to work!
Hi, Oxy. I have a quick off-topic question to ask.
As you might remember, I am a beginning knitter. My GD’s B day is soon, and I would like to knit her a toddlar blanket, using 3-4 colors, in a very simple pattern. I want to do a border all around, in 1-2 colors, add a main color, and in center, add a big “hello kitty” but can’t find a pattern to do so. My question is this….is stockinette stitch the only stitch you can use when using multiple colors, and if so, won’t it curl, and not lay flat?
Thanks, all for your tolerance…I don’t have anyone to ask, and I’m not finding my answer on the main knitting sites.
Kim,
Sugar yea it is the only one that you can use that you don’t have to Pull the other color along behind the one you are using.l
If you are a beginning knitter, I think trying at this point, to design your multicolored blankey is maybe a bit beyond where you may be.
I would suggest that if you want to make a blankey for her, forget the edge (unless you can crochet one around it) and just find a pattern directions similar to what you want and for now just do that! Good luck. Blankeys and scarves are great to get you started, so keep up the work! My carpal tunnel made me have to quit knitting, but I LOVED IT! Even after surgery my fingers are no longer nimble enough for it.
momoftwingirls,
What a convoluted mess! I would tell the grandparents and ex-spath that when the twins are visiting their daddy, that is their “quality time” with this parent, that you would prefer that the girls’ talk to their grandparents and brother (via the phone) when they are home with you (allowing you the chance to also talk to your son), hopefully putting an end to the ex-spath’s involvement. The twins get “uninterrupted time” with their daddy when they see him. If your parents don’t agree with this arrangement, then I wouldn’t understand their thinking.
Mom:
YOUR IN VICTIM MODE! STOP IT!
Everything you posted above was contained in your first post here…….DO NOT FORGET……stand up and do what’s best for YOU!
It will take time to regain your power……but you MUST BE WILLING to make baby steps.
Give yourself a ‘moment’ to NOT think about ANY of this….go walk on a beach, a lakeshore, in the hills….be one with nature…..AND DON”T THINK!
Feel the nature, see the beauty…..and just BE.
Recoupe.
YES……let your girls speak to whomever they wish……without feeling guilty. It’s their right.
Maybe have them call bro and gramma on FRIDAY as they go see pops Friday night…..kinda like a headoff…..to cut spath off.
Respond to your mothers email…..saying they have the same phone number as when you borrowed money etc…..
As, mom, I appreciate everything you’ve done and continue to do for me. Please refresh me with your phone number as i’d like to be in touch.
(WHY don’t you have their #????) OR…..look back through old phone records and find it yourself.
You’ve got to be willing to solve this yourself…..there is NO rescuer in life.
You have to learn to take out the personal. Your taking all actions and words personal….as an attack on you.
DON”T!
Just releasing the personal…..will clear your head 10 fold.
DON”T REACT!!!
Don’t worry about spath and POTENTIAL custody suit.
I’ts like worrying we are going to die……WHATS THE POINT….you don’t have room in your head for what ‘may’ happen.
Leave spath out of it…..DON”T TELL HIM ANYTHING. Don’t respond and don’t read any emails or nothing from him.
YOUR allowing him to be ‘included’ in other issues.
If your parents and he want to buddy up….you can’t do anything about it by talking to spath.
If he knows he gains power this way…..he’ll do it!
You’ve got to start being SOLUTION BASED…..
Make all your decisions based on what is in your and the kids best interest.
Time to get some balls girlfriend. Start walkiing in the survivors light!!!!!
You CAN DO IT!!!!!
They all sound like mean ugly power trippin’ spaths to me. Acting like a bunch of two year olds.
I would continue to send loving messages to your son. Hopefully he will out-grow his resentment and begin to percieve the situation for what it is.
I would completely stop any contact with your parents, just wash your hands of them.
There’s nothing you can do about your x-spath, and twins being in contact with them, so all this obsessive worry is wasted energy. All you can do is continue to be the very best parent you can be and work on detaching from the spaths. Don’t let them intimidate you. That just feeds their power lust. Even if you do feel intimidated learn to fake a ho-hum attitude, like they are wasting their time trying to get a reaction out of you. I found it very empowering when threatened by a manipulater to just shrug, and say, “do what you gotta do.” Period. Leave it at that and walk away, or hang up. Act like you’re too busy or too bored to give it much thought. Don’t take responsibility for anything that isn’t your responsibility. You can say something like, “that’s not my problem”. Period move on. Prove to them you are living your own life, dealing with your own issues, and you won’t allow them to —- you up in any way. Make them feel powerless and insignificant.
Any time you react to their —-, you are reinforcing it.
I would try to find a support group of some kind. I think you really need some support in all this. Any 12 step group would do and they’re free, too. Something like Adult children of alcoholics, or maybe adult children of narcissists. I think there’s something called emotions anonomous…for people dealing with depression.
You can google phrases like, “how to deal with difficult people”, or how to deal with a power struggle, or how to avoid manipulation. All kinds of good advise and many sites available.
Stop playing victim and get strong for yourself and your kids. Good luck!
Kimmie….
HI!
Dear Mom,
I am sorry to say I think that There is a good chance that your son that lives with your toxic parents is in the early “act out stages” of showing up as a psychopath himself.
Your toxic parents, and the toxic son and the psychopath GANGING UP on YOU is NOT THAT UNUSUAL. Psychopaths will form a posse on occasions to attack a common enemy. Each one of them is out for himself of course, but they will USE EACH OTHER for strength.
I have seen it happen before, and it happened in my case with my Psychopathic son, my psychopathic daughter-in-law, my dysfunctional son, and my egg donor, and the trojan horse psychopath all teaming up to PERSECUTE ME and my other son.
I think you should “circle the wagons” and protect yourself and your daughters, forget about the others, and even though you love your son, you are going to have to let go of him in order to protect yourself. You can’t help him under the circumstances, and maybe never will be able to help him.
Cutting loose from kids that you love and nurtured is painful, it is the ultimate pain of a mother, but you are in a “life boat” situation and you need to save the ones that are viable and can be saved! Put all your efforts there! ((((God bless you!!!)))))
Dear Oxy & Mom et.al.,
My MIL, spath’s mom, watches my daughter at my house while I work. She has always been like a mother to me. We have been close. Now that spath is out and I am holding strong I feel like she is resenting me, FIL is just like spath in so many ways plus alcoholism. I know spath gets in her ear and he has already had her thinking I use drugs (NOT true). I wonder if she is just a protective,enabler or a danger to my child?
My daughter is in the impressionable toddler stage. MIL will ignore me in front of her, contradicts me or laughs at inappropriate times which reinforces negative behaviors in child. It was not like this when I endured her son, when he would hurt or offend me on a weekly pattern. She’d relate, empathize, mother. It just hurts. I have talked to her about it, how she’s treating me differently, how I want to have a good relationship, but this chit keeps happening. I feel like she is acting as his surrogate. I have limited contact with him, but it’s almost as if he is getting to me through her.
I think I am going to emotionally distance myself from her now. I asked her if we could talk it over a couple of days ago. She finally got back to me today, “yes, this weekend.” I don’t even want to talk. I don’t want to preserve our relationship anymore. I think she is toxic to me (crying on the way to work because of her treatment–not healthy). I don’t want to rock the boat too much. I am trying to get spath to respond to divorce paperwork. I need to get a custody order in place. I can’t make a major sitter change until some of the pieces are in place or I am in a major battle. Further, I don’t want to take grandma out of toddler’s life, but I don’t want too much (any) unhealthy influence either! Any advice to get me over this hump? How might I approach this conversation, if I think she has some socio tendencies or at the very least enables, empowers and on some level trusts x-spath???