Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Dear fearless,
Therea re so many variables I can’t inagine them all. If you feel like your MIL is not a good influence on your dhild then you may want to consider another day care arrangement, or one I used that worked wsith a toddler was to have a friend keep the kids at NIGHT while they slept and then I picked up in a.m. and kept them with me in day or later took them to school.
It sounds to me like you are walking on egg shells so you don’t hurt someone’s feelings.
It doesn’t sound to me like your MIL is trustworthy And more when you are there as well to oversee there are no subtle anti-mommie things planted in the kid’s head.
Keep on one day at a time in making your progress. Find a midlevel road you can handle. (((God bless)
Thanks Ox..have a joyful day!
momoftwingirls,
I went to work after posting yesterday, thus the reason that I didn’t repsond. When you posted, you did a very good job explaining the situation – I’m sorry that my suggestion isn’t workable (I was trying to get the ex-spath out of the puzzle). From what you say about each adult player in this drama, I wouldn’t want to have contact with any of them either. I read kim frederick’s post, agreeing with her approach to your situation, encouraging you to just focus on yourself and your precious twin girls. Your son is in a difficult position, but continue to maintain contact with him, regularly sending letters to him. I think that kim had the BEST suggestions for you. Good luck and ENJOY your day today, taking a break from the worry (let today be a WORRY FREE day, deserving to have such a day).
Fightingmomofthree and oxD:
Just read above post. Fightingmom I am so sorry to hear of this. I understand completely. First, my xspath’s family (mother who is alcoholic and xanax addict, father who is dentist and vicodin, alcohol addict, sister who slept with her brother, my x…therapist suspected this) are nuts. I, too, had to distance myself form them while married. After 6 years of abuse when visiting them, which we did for every single vacation we went on (not much of a vacation for me!) and after the last family reunion where for a week his parents and sister and her husband WOULD NOT talk to me at all and then after the vacation was over said to me “well, we didn’t get to see much of you” and acted like nothing happened I told my x that that was the last time I was going to visit them. Several years before that my sponsor (at that time I had 5 years clean from vicodin addiction) told me I didn’t have to go on these trips but if I did I needed to have my own car, my own hotel room, not stay with them, and never be alone with MIL as she is verbally abusive. I took her advice and started to extricate myself from them. My x never took my side or helped me in anyway. And he would admit his mom is nuts. That is why he moved 2000 miles away from her! Since divorce he ran a smear campaign using a tidbit of truth wrapped up in a huge lie, lied in court which shocked me because I wouldn’t dream of lying in court! (He told the judge I introduced him to porn, even though we h ad been in therapy for 3 years due to his internet porn and sex addiction that he admitted his uncle introduced him to at age 17). He is using my D to hurt me because he knows she is my life. We adopted her from China and it was MY desire, not his to adopt. We were together 24/7 for the first four years and my x and even his father said what a GREAT mom I was. He made it out that I was addicted to drugs (I wasn’t, altho had a short relapse after divorce when he got custody …stupid I know) so he RAN with that one. My mom died in Feb and my spath brother got a hold of my x and they accused me of all sorts of unconsciounable things…my dad has alzheimer’s and I had gone up to their state after my mom called and begged me to come and get my brother out of their lives….I did and adult protective services was called on me saying I stole my moms drugs, that I was kidnapping my father! and I had the hospital and a very strong neighbor (ex fbi) corroborate that my brother is sick, he abused my father and my parents asked me to get power of attorney (which I did but judge threw out!) I changed the locks as per request from parents, and my dad begged me to get a restraining order on my brother. I didn’t because in my kind heart I couldn’t as my mom was dying and I didn’t want to do that to him. She, however, before she died said she wanted nothing to do with him. He ahd called her while she was in hospital swearing at her and abusing her verbally. He left my father alone in middle of night (my brother did) and my poor father had to get a taxi and was found wandering around the hospital. But adult protective services came after me! the story goes on and on and all I did was go up to h elp my parents. Have witnesses that the adult protective services ignored and because I didn’t know about a hearing ( I live 5 hours away) my brother ended up with guardianship of my father and my brother put a restraining order on me!!! I am sick beyond belief. So that is how my xspath got it so I have toh ave supervised visits. The judge said to me “You aren’t making good decisions”. Unreal. I have a private practice, am educated and work, am in documented recovery (because of my x and my work I offered to do monitored random ua’s for the past three years)All of that was ignored. <My brother is meth addict, alcoholic not in recovery, mentally ill, dishonorable discharge from navy, hasn't worked in 25 years and I am the bad guy? Are you kidding? So, that's my partial nightmare. Sadly it is worse with my x. So, Because of this smear campaign I lost a job I had (so I started my private practice which was my plan just not yet!) and have very little money. My ex makes 40k/months and I have to pay 500/month for D plus now pay 125$ when i see her for 2 hours 2x a month. She was devastated but now is getting used to her life and it scares me. His goal is to destory me (my x and those are his words). Just as oxD says, I do what I can each day to stay connected to my D. I have set it up to only have contact with my x's third wife who I have to tread lightly around….I think she is beginning to see the truth but not sure yet. His first wife's story is exactly mine but they had no kids and she had money and he couldn't do anything to her. He hates women, said he has no empathy or compassion for women close to him. He is addicted to internet porn, sex addict, ambien addiction, biplor, MMPI said he is narcissist, paranoid, angry at women and he got custody! Our judge in our case hates me. and she is a woman. My ex easily schmoozes women…the custody eval is a ph.d psych and is a woman and she said, when asked about my xspath's porn addiction that "he is only human" and she called him by his first name! very familiar like.
I understand your pain and fear and sadly it is real. Go NC as much as possible. Do not respond to anything he says or writes to you. Talk with youro attorney and make sure your attorney gets this stuff. Mine didn't. I lost big time and paid out 100k…all my money. for nothing. What I have done,a fter coming to LF, has been to keep contact with D, I just finally got the paperwork I needed so I will go and see her in a couple of week, I send her gifts to the step mom, I send her emails via step mom and call h er three times a week. I am going to try to talk to her new teacher at a new school but I am sure he has gone to them and told them in that poor me voice that our D has a sick mother and she Cannot have access…etc etc.
I was the healthy and stable one in our marriage after I got into recovery. Five years and even h e said he was a miserable man, sick and I was the stable one. But he has done all he can to sabotoge my work, calls my friends, people I have dated, and I even called my licensing board and told them what was up and they said in no way would they take any kind of call like that seriously without serious investigation. Let's hope!
Document everything. Take care of yourself like OxD said. You have to be healthy and have your head on straight, as much as possible in this nightmare. Don't let him win! They hate to be ignored and I have been able to ignore my ex now for about 5 months. It is freeing. I do not read anything he sends me, texts or emails. I only read documents that come from a court. Have someone else read your x's letters and if there is something in there that you have to respond to they can let you know, otherwise ignore them! They will only make you crazy (correspondence from x).
It's is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I am in a nightmare that I pray I wake up from…but know that this is real and as hard as it is I am not going to let him have control over me any more. I left him because of it. I now h ave boundaries with everyone. No second chances for anyone. One lie and your out. Just like OxD says. I started eating well, exercising and each day that I can accomplish one thing towards a positive mindset is a victory and a celebration. I let him get to me for 5 years. I got divorced five years ago and it has been utter hell. I finally realized what h as been happening to me and now an taking action.
Hang in there. Keep talking about what is going on with you, ask for advice here at LF. You are not alone.
Dear Chinagirl,
I am so glad that things are going better for you and that you may soon get to see your daughter! I realize things must be very difficult and hard for you, but I am so glad that you are taking thins one step at a time, one day at a time, and making progress each day! Good for you!!! Accepting those things that you cannot change right now is difficult….been there and done that! I Have pounded my head into brick walls and the walls won! So have to find another way to get through, over, under or around that wall, but trying to break it down with our heads isn’t the way to do it. LOL
Good going!
MOMOF TWINS-I hear you. But what I want to say respectfully is you are giving all your power away to everyone. I know this because i ahve done it. Not any more. You are in victim mode for sure….and EB is right. No one will rescue us. I learned to stop asking my x for anything. I have learned these past five years that I have been playing victim and that has been my biggest and most helpful lesson in this nightmare.
You cannot make your parents or your x do anything. You can only control YOU. How you respond (versus react. DON”T REACT)take a breath and respond in a way that YOU want.
Do not say anything to your x about anything. He can do what he wants with the kids. calling parents etc. same with your parents. You can only control what your kids do at your home. I would allow the kids to talk to your parents. You can stand by and sort of monitor if need be (not sure how old your kids are).
And be respectful and stay emotion-less when talking to parents and xspath. Don’t let them see you sweat!
Start taking care of everything you can do yourself…don’t expect anyone to hand you over anything, even phone numbers. Find it yourself and don’t put yourself in a place where you rely on them for anything. They aren’t to be trusted.
I have been here and I have learned the h ard way so i get this. I say this with care….take your power back.
Say the Serenity Prayer. Google it if you don’t know it. it can be your mantra as you take back your power!!!
It sucks so badly to have people who supposedly loved us do this kind of thing. It so hard to understand because we don’t think like that. But from now on you will be in control of YOUR life! Keep asking for advice…there are alot of experienced and very smart people here. You can do it!
Thanks OxD! good days, bad days….but I try to make one postiive step each day. I am grateful for LF because I have realized how much I was victim and acting like a child. WHAAAAAAA!!! NO MAS!
Dear Chinagirl,
Your advice to MOM is very good, and simple and straightforward! It is advice we all must follow…we must be responsible for ourselves.
I am so glad that you are doing well (and I know, some good days and some not so good) but you are taking responsibility for yourself and making progress. I am also glad to see that you are reaching out comforting hands to others on LF because that is so important here that we share the burdens of others.
“A Joy shared is doubled, and a burden shared is halved.” I don’t know who siad that but it is so true! To see your posts of progress and strength fills me with JOY! (((hugs))))
Ox, Eb, Bluejay, kim, Chinagirl
Thank you for everything you wrote. It is something I read over again and then I try to think about during the day when I get into thinking patterns which are not helping me.
My parents live across the coast now, and had just moved so I had no way of finding out their number without asking through email. I dont have their address either. This would not be a concern to me except that my son just started living with them a month ago. I really do hate asking them for anything. But I am not sure how to do this when my son wont talk to me. I woud like to know simple things about his life, like the name of his new school, how he is getting along, but it requires me speaking with my parents. I have barely spoken with them in 2 years as it is.
I have been doing a lot of internet searching and have discovered my mother is mostly narcissistic and my father being very passive to her, but defends her to the end. And I have so many traits of a child who grew up with a narcissistic mom. It is quite interesting to read exactly how I feel. Imagine being almost 40 and having a professional career and I still feel like a child around my mother. I feel scared I will get in trouble, and she still scolds me to this day. Guilt trips, sulking, crying to manipulate me, never having apoogized for anything EVER in my life. When I think about the way I feel when I am around her….it literally makes me shiver. I have decided from reading all of your responses here…plus any internet reading I have done, ….that having as little contact as possible is the best choice for me.
I just hate that my son is in that environment. They dont say good things about me to my son, so I know it is going to be a battle to have him even speak to me again.
I know you are all right. I really need to get strong and stop being a victim. I have felt like this my whole life due to a controlling mother who still makes me shrink in her presense. I have talked about it in therapy how I still feel like a little girl in an adults body. So, I am trying to learn a whole new way of being.
Reading your posts to me is really powerful though….realizing there is even a different way to react than the way I have been reacting to all of this.
Dear Mom,
Darling, I am 63, almost 64 years old, and I can IDENTIFY WITH YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT YOUR N. MOTHER…..I don’t feel that way any more, but it is only the last couple of years that I realized and convinced myself that my egg donor is NOT GOD HERSELF.
I know you might like to know information on your son, but at this point, since he is not speaking to you, and they aren’t, I would get their address from the post office.
Send a first class large envelope (can be empty) addressed to your parents AT the OLD ADDRESS, and on the OUTSIDE OF THE ENVELOPE put “FORWARDING ADDRESS REQUESTED” and the PO will send you their new address by returning your mailed envelope.
Then you will have the address without asking for it.
Then by doing some research you can find out what school your son is attending, assuming he is going to public school.
If your parents do not have LEGAL CUSTODY of your son, or you are forbidden to have visitation, you can contact the school for information either in person or by letter (I would register it) or maybe telephone calls.
As far as contacting your son, with him living there and HIM not wanting contact with you, I think you will do more damage to your relationship with him than anything positive by forcing yourself on him at this point. If he is showing up psychopathic tendencies it is a waste of time, or if he is just a mixed up kid, ditto, a waste of time. Just back off and give him some time.
If someone hates us or fears us, and doesn’t want anything to do with us, trying to “talk to ” them and convince them we love them is NOT going to work. So right now he has set a BOUNDARY against you (rightly or wrongly, influenced by his grandparents or not) and if you don’t respect his boundary I think it will make him more determined to build the walls higher and thicker. Yes, he is your minor son, and you have a legal right to push that boundary, but I strongly advise not to do so, for your sake, your children’s sakes,, and for your son’s sake.
It is also possible that if you will not make your parents afraid that you intend to rip Junior out of their home and “care” that they might back off on the twins….the more you fight them about Junior, I think the worse they will be in helping fight you in GENERAL. I know that sounds like sacrificing one child for the others, and it may be in a way, but I don’t think at this point that you have much choice, and the child in this case WANTS to be “sacrificed”—My egg donor did the same thing to me with my son when he was 15 and she took him in against my will, the worst mistake I made WAS TAKING HIM BACK.
It is impossible to save anyone AGAINST THEIR WILL, even a teenager.
Don’t let your fear of your parents paralyze you—for for now, I still advise that you work on YOU and your other children and let the other situation lie as it is because ultimately, you have NO control over that nest of vipers! Good luck and God bless! (((Hugs)))