Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Momtwins –
As usual, I agree with Oxy 100% (I’m even her age). Go talk to that lawyer. In our state, even if your parents have legal custody of your son, you have 3 residual rights 1) the right to visitation 2) the right and obligation to pay child support 3) the right to medical and school records AND both parties must register with the court any new address they have during the custody order.
Again, I agree with Oxy – if your son chooses not to have contact with you right now, don’t force it. Maybe just cards, letters that keep it light, thinking of you type. Maybe a small sum gift card, something like that. Let him know you are thinking of him, you are there for him when HE is ready.
If you want to find those things out about him, get that number and call your parents, you have that right and who knows maybe they are waiting for you to show interest. So what if it has been 2 years, the worst they can do is hang up, but you will have phone records to show that you tried.
Dear Momoftwins-Hi again. OxD is so right!! But first I want to say I, too, have felt like a child around my mom and I am now 51 and a professional! I used to fight it and act like a victim/child…I had a few moments when i was able to set a boundary with her and she respected it and changed how she reacted to me but that was when I was married and “credible”. Unreal. whenever I am alone without husband she goes back to treating me like a child and would demand that I do things….as if she could demand anything from me. Last year I put a stop to it and really backed off. She was in relapse from breast cancer and it was really hard but she was also in crisis mode all the time expecting me to drop everything at the last minute and help. She lives 5 hours away by car and I was working 2 jobs, taking care of D who lives the opposite way and I’d drive every other weekend 3 hours to get her…so I would get on the phone with my mom and when she started in I would politely say I had to go and say goodbye and hang up. Difficult because she was sick! But I understand the difficulties of this situation. Boundaries! Set them and keep them, reset them if need be…stay polite, get off the phone quickly.
As far as contact with your son. I like OxD’s suggestions a lot. I would also document everything you do. I send my D presents and document in case she doesn’t get them. I email her daily if possible, at least 4 times a week, call her 3-4 times a week. I am getting ready to send a letter to her teacher because i can’t count on my x to offer up any info about her and am asking for a school schedule as well so I know when she has extra days off, vacation, programs etc. You know, keeping a log of everything you do for your son might even be something to give him later….showing him how much you did try to contact him etc. Just in case. I will do this for my D because I know my x will say I didn’t do anything or didn’t do enough. Etc.
I wish you well and I also wish you peace as you navigate through this. My guess is most of us grew up with disordered families, parents and we have been obvious targets to spaths…many of us want to please….and that makes us very vulnerable. What I have found out about myself is that my own sort of counter controlling behaviors to my x spath wihle married and even in early divorce days were controlling, too. I was trying to make him be a certain way, do certain things. My behavior was unhealthy as well. Just not emotion-less or lacking in empathy like they do. Our “counter control” if you will is our part. We do this in many ways. and it is our defensive reaction to them.We might run away, or sneak around behind their backs (one woman had a small business that he knew nothing about), or we fight back, play it tough, or we cry and try for sympathy. These behaviors are not who we really are, but our reactions. Knee jerk reactions to the danger we feel. And as we do more and more of those things we feel worse about ourselves. I see it now clearly in my marriage with him. I was such a baby. Acting helpless, expecting him to rescue me from my financial fears. What did that get me? But a controlling jackass who sucked me dry emotionally. I hated myself at the end. I felt ugly, stupid and like a child. But I did have a part and that is what is important for me now to look at. And change. I am not at all saying that it is all our fault. NOT AT ALL! Only that the way we get out of this is by looking at how we got into it. We were vulnerable in some way when we met them. We need to identify how we were vulnerable. I know how I was-I was always afraid of being alone, even though I had taken care of myself for many many years I had this underlying fear. I also was afraid of my finances. Silly when I look at it now. I made a lot of money, too. I should have been excited to find ways to invest and take good care of myself but instead I spent my money! and then put up a wall of fear and did nothing else with it.
Now I am still vulnerable in that my mom just died, my finances are really a mess, I lost a job….so I have to be very very careful about who I meet. I am not dating right now, however because I know I am vulnerable. I need to prove to myself that I can take care of myself. We cannot have true intimacy if we don’t know this about ourselves. We have to have that reciprocity in our relationships. Each of us know where we stand in our own lives and can be in a relationship in an equal way. Our relationships with spaths were not equal. We were always the underdog. I hated that. yet I contributed to it, too. Trying to regain control while with an spath is impossible. I think leaving is the only answer there. Controlling men and women do not give that up easily. I suppose it depends on where on the spectrum of control they are but my guess is not many give up that power position.
I sound like I am giving a lectuer! I apologize. I h ave just been reading and thinking and looking at myself and realizing so many things that I need to change. And i feel better about myself just even admitting all of these things. I know I can take care of myself. I know we all can. All of us are very strong….we are here at LF looking for answers! And most people seem to take the advice to heart. I know I do.
I want to recommend a book called Born to Please by karen Blaker. it’s really helpful and has shown me a lot about myself that I needed to admit to.
Momoftwins…I know it is so hard to not feel like you have any control over your son’s life but just like OxD said you cannot control him and the more you try the more he will react to you. Let him go, pray for him and yourself, do what you can to keep contact (letters, etc) and document everything!! I am actually going to keep a journal for my D. not talking badly about her father and not talking about this stuff…but about my feelings of her, my thoughts of her etc. I dont’ know if I will ever give it to her but I will h ave it for her just in case.
Dear Chinagirl,
The self awareness you are displaying is so obvious and is hard for all of us I think, but GOOD because it is the start of the healing. We can’t fix what we don’t know is broken.
Your medical background is like mine and you know before you start treatment you must have a diagnosis. I think I forgot that where I was concerned! I would just try this treatment or that treatment, but never knowing what the problem was in the first place.
When we go to a physician because we feel ill, we expect the physician to find out what is the problem before s/he prescribes treatment or medication. It would be pretty stupid if we went to the doc and said “i feel badly” and the doc said, “Okay, let’s put a splint on your left leg,, that will probably help”
Yea, right, if our leg is broken! But if we have pneumonia it won’t help a bit!
So your and our self awareness is paramount in our own “treatment of ourselves”
As we become aware of what is wrong/ or what is right/ or how a treatment is helping/not helping, we can REFINE our journey to be more productive!
God bless, and keep on trucking, sweetie! You are doing great!!!! (((hugs))))
Well its been a while since I have posted, but a while back I explained that my wifes ex spath has resurfaced and has been using our children as baseball bats (I say our children because I treat and love them as if they were my own). It has been a real struggle to watch our children being used this way and have no control.
Spath has began a fight for full custody of the children in an effort to once again attempt to destroy and control my wifes life. As i have mentioned before I really believe in the power of prayer and could really use a little more power so any prayers would be greatly appreciated.
Our second court date is comming this week and we are going in with a lawyer i have no confidence in (only one we could find) and the children have been severely effected by parental alienation on his part and we have no solid proof or documentation of these events so at this time we can only hope and pray that our judge has good judgement and is able to see through him and bring this to a quick resolve because the kids are suffering so much.
This spath is not as smart as he thinks he is and there is a good chance that under the right circumstances if we give him enough rope in the court room he may hang him self.
This has been very testing on everyone in our family and has really forced me to control my emotions and contain my anger. For me personally I have always been able to approached all conflicts head on and have been able to survive, but is all new to me and have never been in a battle where my opponents weapon of choice is a child.
The good news is that this time my wife has me for support so for the first time this spath has to pick on someone his own size. In stead of beating woman and emotionally abusing children and people people he can control. I am babling quite a bit but i guess i am also in a weird way typing to myself and reminding myself that i need to stay strong.
I have spent months reading and learning and I thank God I found this website and thank and pray for everyone on here.
I think I have a good understanding of what makes this spath tick, his motives and ablities but i dont underestimate him and wish i could anticipate him better. I would love to have a phone call with someone knowledgeable and experienced from here or even a chat on msn. Its a long story but we need help and cant afford to make any mistakes.
I have read many times on here that spaths dont stop and my familys story is proof of that (it has been 9 years), so most say to run and get away but when there are children involved there is no running we have to fight and able to understand quickly that it is not your normal fight and when court is involved we have to learn fast.
This is the best way I can describe my feelings. I feel like im in a dark room stuck in a fist fight with the devil and everytime he hits me it only hurts the ones that mean the most to me and through that i feel the pain.
The devil is only as strong as you let him be (I hope thats true).
before I sign off for the night i cant help but think im going crazy lol but…..
Way way back when indians hunted wild mustangs they used to chase the heard for days and then retreat, then they would go all the way back to where the chase started and build half a coral and then wait. After a couple of days the heard of wild mustangs would slowly come back to learn and figure out what was chasing them. Then the indians would be able to capture them. There is a couple lessons in this that i see.
1. Predator (spath) never stops and if he does be prepard.
2. If you can get away dont stop and dont look back.
and 3. Dont always follow the pack.
Ok enough babbling from me.
Take care everyone
Mellowyellow, you sound like a wonderful man.
I really like your analogy with the wild mustangs!!!
I also believe in the power of prayer,
you are in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless.
Dear Mellowyellow,
KEEP ON PRAYING and remember this quote “ALL things work together for GOOD to those that love the Lord.” ALL things.
Keep your head about you and remember that you are surrounded by angels and that even if you appear to be losing the battle, it WILL turn out for good. TRUSTING in that (and I have let myself down by not trusting sometimes—many times) will keep you sane!
I’m so glad your wife has you for back up and support.
Keep your faith strong, and your trust in yourself, in God and in your wife strong! and DON’T GIVE UP! (((hugs))) and prayers.
Oxy,
Can you post some helpful prayers. I’ve been praying a lot lately, but would like to read some prayers others use.
I figured you’d likely have some helpful ones you could share.
God, I love reading your stuff.
Dear Callista,
Thank you, I am glad that you enjoy reading my rambles. I’ve got plenty of examples because it seems to me that I personally made almost every mistake to be made. I wasn’t big on vicarious learning. LOL
After realizing that I had NO idea what I needed, I stopped praying things like “dear Lord, let me get this job, it is just perfect for me.”
Instead, now I pray,
“Dear Lord, I know I don’t know what is best for me in the long run, but I know that you promise that ‘all things work together for good to those that love You.’ I know that sometimes things that look “great” in the short term are not, and that somethings things that look “horrible” in the short term are really just setting us up for a blessing in the long term.
I love you and I trust you and I know that YOU know what I really need and will give it to me, so whatever happens in this situation that is troubling me, I know that the outcome is what YOU know is best for me in the long run.”
Callista I can look kback at things that happened to me that I thought at the time were crushing and if those “bad” things hadn’t happened when they did, the later GOOD thing would NOT have come about. Since I can’t tell the future I can’t predict what will ultimately be an advantage or not. But I believe God can. Keep your faith in both God and in YOURSELF.
Thanks Oxy.
I’ve pretty much handed it ALL over to God now. I just keep saying that I don’t NEED to know how it will all go, but that I know the path i need to stay on and I trust there is happiness awaiting me soon. I don’t put a time limit on it. I don’t believe the universe/God has a watch.
So I just say, “I trust in you. I know the path I’m on. I know happiness is waiting for me. How it will come is unknown, but I don’t need to know that. I just need to know that it WILL come because I TRUST that it will.”
Peace all.
Dear Callista,
Happiness comes from the place we least expect it. FROM INSIDE. The apostle Paul wrote to other Christians, some of whom were actually slaves. Some rich, some poor, etc. He advised them to be CONTENT in whatever STATE THEY WERE IN. He went on to say, of course if you are a slave and you can get your freedom, do so, but if you can’t, then be a good slave and be content.
To me that means ACCEPT THE THINGS YOU CANNOT CHANGE, CHANGE THE THINGS YOU CAN. Contentment is
Wishes+reality=pseudo-happiness (as long as wishes don’t increase or reality decrease)
Wishes-reality=unhappiness
Wishes=reality=TRUE HAPPINESS that cannot be taken away
When we can be content in a reality that is not maybe what ideally we would wish for, when we can accept the things we cannot change, then we have a happiness that no one, and nothing can steal.