Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Oxy,
You rock, Girl.
How funny to find such wise words and such comfort from someone you’ve never met.
Mom of twin girls –
Perhaps you can ask your lawyer to get a court order that all communication must go through Our Family Wizard. here’s an article about it. And there’s an ad on this page.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2010/03/15/our-family-wizard-can-help-you-co-parent-with-a-sociopath/
momoftwingilrs:
If your lawyer wrote him a letter telling him to only contact you via e-mail, then I would have to say
A) get evidence he is harassing you by phone, have an eye withness, get a recorder that hooks up to your phone or put phone on speaker to record it, from what I read you may have to warn him (record that too), or perhaps your attorney could warn him in writting that you will record conversations
B) get a no contact order from the courts
C) press charges for disobeying no contact order
Really, just a suggestion. But it seems you can ask your lawyer what to do. Seems your lawyer already stands behind you in that he/she wrote him a letter to contact you only by e-mail.
Don’t be hard on yourself. It took you a minute in the middle of his crazy making to figure out what to do. But you figured it out and did the right thing.
Dear Mom of twins,
They use ANY ONE to get to the target–YOU. Of course your daughter is between a rock and a hard place. He doesn’t care what that does to her, but you do, so he has YOU BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE.
Do not sya to your daughter “tell him I’m busy” (that is a SOCIAL LIE–that is the kind of thing you tell your kid to say to a salesman at the door or the nosey neighbor, but not to a STALKER–and your X is STALKING you through her.) It’s okay to hurt his feelins.
Tell him the TRUTH! Tell your daughter to say “Mom said that she can only talk to the lawyer. If you have something to say to her, have your lawyer call her lawyer.” RINSE AND REPEAT. DO NOT GIVE IN. No matter what he does, and he WILL turn up the heat, do not give in. It rewards him any time you give to his control. Makes him feel powerful. YOU ARE POWERFUL when you do not give in to his control, and HE CANNOT STAND THIS!!! hee hee
This gets your kid off the HOOK–she is not having to be put into the position of telling a “social lie” to her father, who also happens to be YOUR STALKER. It sets BOUNDARIES AND LIMITS on your X and though he will not give up quickjly, he will eventually give up.
At first when YOU assume CONTROL over when and where you talk to him, it will pith him off muchly, so he will TRY harder to regain control, but you STAND STRONG and you can take back your power!!!!
ps. it is normal for you to feel stressed and anxious about this, believe me, everyone here has been in those shoes!!!! ((((hugs)))) and God bless
Momoftwins, maybe you could tell your daughter to ask her father directly something like, “are you trying to use me to get to Mommy? I thought you called to talk to me?
This puts the onus on him, and makes it clear that he’s manipulating you through your daughter. It is emotional honesty at it’s best. It shines a light on his true motives, and makes it crystal clear to him, that even your daughter knows what he’s doing. If he continues to insist, he’s obviously not empathizing with her suffering and putting his own agenda first.
As others have suggested, record, record, record. This would be a powerful testemony in court! An absolute disregard for his childs feelings.
Dear momoftwinsgirls,
Oxy has a very good point. By telling your daughter to tell him the truth then you also teach her to how to assertively set boundries. Of course, she will be upset no matter what, but you can’t allow it to upset you. Fake it till you make, as we use to say. I would have to add however, when he keeps going after the first time she says it, which he will, take the phone, repeat what she just said and hang up.
Of course, the end goal needs to be court order contact through family wizard or e-mail. I hope you have checked out our family wizard, it sounds awesome.
You will be alright. It has taken me along time since the light when on to find strength. You are not alone, when you began to really see that you will feel sane and strong.
Dear Mom,
Get a friend to h and off the kids INSTEAAD OF YOU. The ONLY reason he is seeing the kids is to get to YOU so he can interact….if he doesn’t get to see YOU or talk to YOU he will not get CONTROL/POWER.
Dear momtotwingirls,
You were indeed sooo right to say nothing about what he did to her. Read, read and read about N’s and P’s, you will learn how right you were. No emotion when it comes to them. NONE. It is also amazing to watch how they act when you have to emotion. You really see how strange THEY are when you don’t react emotionally to anything and they become even more irrate.
Keep on keeping on. Your seem so smart and so strong. Read in Sheeps Clothing, can’t think of the author. You see the tactics and can better deal with them when you know the game.
Again, I have to say Oxy is right, NO CONTACT is best. NONE. Unfortunately, I can’t take my own advice, still married, but I would if I could.
momoftwins—No disrespect to anyone posting about this delicate situation (daughter talking to father/stalker) but I my gut wrenches when I think of your daughter having to be in the middle here. However, I don’t know how old she is so if she is 17, 18, a bit closer to adulthood where she can better take care of herself talking about this to her father might be appropriate.
What I think is that she shouldn’t have to be put in the position to address his manipulation or bullying or whatever. She could maybe find her own “broken record” statement to say to him where she makes it clear that she won’t talk to him if he isn’t calling to really speak to her. that way she isn’t having to social lie or be put in a position she might not be ready to handle (again, don’t know anything about her! so I am not criticizing anyone’s suggestion here).
She could say something to him like, “Dad, I’d like to talk to you and I am not going to get involved in the situation between you and mom” and if he continues to ask for you then she can say “if you ask again I will hang up” and then she has warned him, set her OWN boundary (good modeling by you mom!) and then if he cannot respect her then she says “goodbye” and hangs up. She can say this one thing over and over to him and then even at one point, if nothing changes, she can say I am not willing to get on t he phone with you until you talk to me ONLY.
It just feels likes she is still being put in the middle doing something she shouldn’t have to do…which is set a boundary for You rather than for herself.
Learning to set her own boundaries is empowering for her. Even is she is 22 she doesn’t have to tak that on. She can ignore his requests to speak to you and make it about her only.
Just my 2 cents…It’s a really crap situation dealing wtih these guys….UGH I have had to work really hard to make sure I don’t talk under my breath about xspath after speaking to him when daughter is around….but currently it has been four months NC and I have only dealt with his 3rd wife!! Progress! it does make me nervous, however, that he hasn’t tried to talk to me…that silence usuallly means he is planning something. But there is nothing left for him to do to me at this point! Except make me lose all parental rights and there is no reason at all for that. There was no reason I need to have supervised visits either (temporary) but it happened! So, can’t get too complacent, right?!
Chinagirl,
No disrespect taken. Very sound advice. I don’t think it would hurt for her to start with mom doesn’t want to talk to you and then follow with all you said when he won’t quit. Again, maybe it is pointless for her to even say mom doesn’t want to talk to you. The girl is only nine though, sooo……..