Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Hope for joy-responding to a mid Sept post about spath crying, wanting to stay….I know that a lot of these guys have a fear of abandonment issue…I know my xspath does in a big way. That could be why he wants to stay, but there are many other reasons, power for one and to win by staying. or, he may want to set it up to be the one to leave, again power.
My xspath cried at the end when he knew I was serious about leaving. don’t know if his tears were real because looking at the times he cried before we got married and during marriage it was all a show. But he was begging me, saying “PLease don’t leave me” and even on the phone when he was out of town he said the same thing. I had never heard him BEG before and it really felt like he was afraid of being left. His first wife left him and he got married 5 months after me and after he hooked his 3rd wife (before our divorce) he stopped begging me…he had someone to take care of him after me.
Knowing his mom I have no doubt that he has abandonment issues, feels put down by women and that he ahd to make a story up about me in order to live with himself. It had to be about (lies) me doing “bad” things and how he couldn’t possibly live with me even though he begged me to stay he couldn’t let anyone know that! He said to me “No one leaves me. You have to be on drugs in order to leave me”. Hmmmm…well, nice try but untrue.
As far as that psychologist…I am a master’s level therapist and that guy sounds like a quack. I can’t imagine making a statement like that about you and not even having met with you. But even if he did meet with you how he could put it all on you is poor clinical judgment. I would get my own therapist if it is something you need or need to document anything (unsure of your story).
Hi momof twins…I get it that you needed to just hang up on him. good grief. They have heart and no respect for even their children. obviously. It would be so confusing for her to try to set a boundary with him at her age especially as speaking to him is a new thing. not an easy situation. You could always ask them what they think is going on…and then you know what they are thinking, and very sparsely give them an answer as to what is happening..keep it at their level and when they start fidgeting or looking away you know they’ve had enough of the talk!! Then you could ask them how they feel about talking to him or if they even want to..and then practice with them, sort of a role play. They may not want any of that but it could help! My daughter is 8 and I don’t know what she would say to all of that. She probably wouldn’t want to tell him she was hanging up if he didn’t stop asking for me!! You never know, though.
No contact is hard with kids. I like your idea of having someone else do the drop off and pick up. I had a client of mine do that with her ex. her mother was the one who did the drop off and pick up. And with my xspath we emailed ONLY because any conversation would deteriorate and was not worth my anxiety. And now I am going through his wife which has been working. Just being very kind and respectful, not saying a word about him and making it only about D. Not asking for much from her at all, wanting her to be happy to hear from me, not dread it (happy might be a stretch!!). So far that is working.
Dear Mom of twins,
I wouldn’t tell them much except that you and their dad are getting a divorce and that means that you will not be living with him any more. That you LOVE THEM AND WILL NOT QUIT LOVING THEM no matter what
It is confusing to kids I think when mom and dad can’t get along and don’t love each other any more and want to go away (separate)
I would get your kids counseling as well as be up front in that “I do not WANT to talk to your dad.” or “I refuse to talk to him.”
My cousin who is my egg donor’s power of attorney now (and doesn’t want to be) said to me “Welll if you won’t talk (NC) how can you work it out?” Well, I tried talking and it didn’t work when only ONE of the two people talking is HONEST.
Just brainstorming here but you might say something along the line of “your dad is angry at me now, and when people are angry at each other it is best to not talk until people calm down.” that way you are not having to tell THE GIRLS you won’t EVER talk to him (that might reassure them some) but that for NOW you do not want to speak to him.
I would also assure them that they do not have to take sides, or that it is NOT THEIR FAULT.
He is going to paint you ugly to them, believe me he WILL SMEAR you. One answer to that when the kids come home and say “daddy says you’re a bitch” (or whatever) is that “well, right now daddy is angry at me, and sometimes people say angry things that are not true when they feel angry. Not that it is right to do that, but I do understand why he is saying those things.”
Good luck and God bless every parent who has a co-parent P!
You guys also need to check with Dr. Leedom’s blog about “raising the at risk child” there’s a link here on LF.
Momoftwingirls,
You hit it right on the head, “He really sees this as the perfect opportunity to ruin me. He doesnt care that this is damaging the twins. ” Yes, he does, and no he doesn’t. You can see that, you’ll be fine. You see it but you believe it yet?
Just stay strong and behave in a smart manner. Come here when you need afirmation. It helps to now you are not alone. You can be happy inspite of the craziness. Don’t know where this quote came from but remember this, “The secret to a happy life is not trying to avoid the storm but to learn to dance in the rain.”
Momoftwingirls,
By all means check out Our Family Wizard – I spent some time a couple of days ago reading what they offer on their web site and I was so impressed. It think it is exactly what you need to keep your girls from being put in the middle and to have the documented proof you may need.
Dera Mom of twins,
WOW! Wolf in sheeps clothing. The Bible warns us about such false prophets. Keep on praying and doing right, but STAND UP to him. HE IS THE LIE, HE IS A LIE.
Regardless of what happened in the past, forgive yourself (and accept God’s forgiveness) and just do what is right NOW.
You do NOT have to allow this abuse of either you or the girls. He is simply using them to continue his control and abuse of you. STAY STRONG! He is in the wrong. VALIDATE yourself, and to heck with what others think. Your life is between you and God, not the false prophet.
Well, its been well over a year since I have posted on here. However, I have do read posts daily and it has helped me in this long journey. I need some help from some of you. My son is now 4 1/ 2 yrs old….he has had random visits with his S father…very heartbreaking to say the least. There is no court order for custody or visitation. However, now..his unemployent is up in November and I just recieved a paper to attend a mediation AFTER infor,ing him he could see his son anytime during the weekend and call him anytime he would like…no response….the mediation is not court ordered. He has a girlfriend in which I have been informed of and an ex wife who seems to be doing this paper work for him….trying to remain calm…have not acknowledged anything in regards to this medaition but did speak to his mother and told her about it…she was unaware..and informed her I was looking forward to it as the truth needed to come out..I am at a loss as I want this to go to court in a sense as I am tired of his bullshit..I know he thinks I will work with him in regards to giving him what he wants…but no more….Im afraid if I am to bold..he will just fight me and it will never end….he has no job…no [lace to live…living off women and only wants to see my son when it is convenient for him…during the week ( while he is not working) I said no firmly…only obn the weekends which he did not like me telling him that….what do I do….????
China girl,
Thanks for the response about the crying. It makes more sense when I look at the behavior in terms of abandonment issues. He begs me “please don’t throw me away” and cries and tells me hourly how much he loves me. It is endless.
I am looking for a place to stay in the area. Trying to reason with him is impossible. If I am at all nice to him he is thinking we are going to stay together. He is delusional. His face contorts and he begs and pleads. I’d actually feel sorry for him if I didn’t know how manipulative he is. Everything he says is about protecting himself under the guise of caring for me.
My dad just had a pace maker put in and spath wanted to be with me at the hospital and comfort me. Said he liked talking to my brother and likes my family. This is new. My dad had prostate cancer and spath didn’t even ask about him. Makes jokes about my dad. Never said a good word about my brother, ever. And pretty much my family was given the shaft. Now they are great? My mom equates it to a prisoner on death row who has found god and been reformed. I think Oxy said the same thing.
hopeforjoy – looking for a place of your own?
they ARE such manipulative little buggers! crying blah blah blah cry blah blah beg blah cry….and cry some more.
is he after your house? is that what all this won’t leave crap is about? i would suggest whacking him in the head with a bat – but that would be criminal.
it’s a wonder he doesn’t just crumble with a good wind – being a shell of a person and all.
Dear Hopeforjoy–My exspath did exactly the same stuff….he wouldn’t go with me to visit my family when we were married, nor would he want to get to know my riends (that was his insidious way of trying to get me away from family/friends would might influence me away from him and sadly i went along with it….we couldn’t ever do vacations where i’d visit my family so we ended up not visiting them for several years….SAD). When my mom was dx with breast cancer he would pick fights with me and was just a jerk. Then after I left him and moved into our condo 3 hours away he was all of a sudden spending time with my parents (who had moved to be closer to us), laughing and trying to be charming (I had NEVER seen him be like that to my any of my family before) pretending to care about my parents and my mom’s illness. My mom even was schmoozed saying Wow, he has changed so much. He comes over all the time, seeing if he can help in anyway). It was to get back his POWER OVER me. He knew I was seriously leaving him and he was trying that tactic. All of a sudden my family and friends were now important to him. Luckily i didn’t buy it. By that time I had reached my ‘point of no return’ with him. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired…..of him! sadly it takes pain to motivate us to change and I had had enough. So his trying to befriend my family didn’t work and I saw right through it. the one thing I did that was a huge mistake was i accepted a laptop he had been saving to give me as a gift. He said he talked to a friend of mine and she “convinced” him to go ahead and give the computer to me as I was starting grad school. I needed it so I accepted it. well, a year or so later I had a forensics guy look at the computer and he found a key stroke monitor on it. My xspath had put this on my computer so he was able to see everything I did. Plus he had a PI on me. so, the point is not to trust any of their tactics. Especially when they start to be “nice” or accomodating. it’s all crap!!!