Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Thanks, Trish, I hope my post was some comfort to you.
Beverly, good goin’! It won’t be long before the treatments are over and they are never as bad as we anticipate. I think “worry” over what will be until you know is worse than the procedure–at least for me.
Happy sailing Aloha!
Beverly, My “boat” is a beautiful birch-bark canoe–and my P son seemed to always be trying to chop a hole in the bottom and sink the family. Now he is not in the boat any more, the whole is patched and it is smooth water and smooth paddling now. No more will I let anyone ride in my canoe with an axe! And they better be prepared to paddle—no free rides!
Dear Beverly,
Thanks for your support…..I am praying for you…..I believe in God’s healing….and I have been a massage therapist for 19 years now….I know about healing….use the vase visualization that I just posted….and look for other forms of healing….this can be a bigger opening for you than you know….I had a client in the past who had final stage cancer with only 4 months to live and she was young and did not want to die….she had 3 professional opinions and one of the doctors told her that he saw unexplained miracles….and he told her that these people had gone to faith healers….and so she found a reiki master and she eventually became a reiki master….it takes 2 years to get there….alot of working on yourself and working on others…..she is cancere free today….she told me another interesting story…..after all of that she was in a car accident (she was speeding) and she heard a voice say “are you ready”….she yelled No!! and than she heard the sound of wings flapping and when the crash was over….she ended up under the passenger dash….she was originally strapped into her seat belt….somehow she ended up where she did and it was the only place in the car that did not get crushed…..she walked out with only scratches….Reiki is amazing…because you are protected by angels and guides when you are giving of yourself to others with healing! You know God is real…and so are angels…..I am a reiki level I soon to be level II….I am going to pray for you and have others send healing to you too….God bless you….
Dear TrishNJ, Thank you so much for your kindness and reassurance. I did use the vase visualisation today when laying in my garden. I am very ‘tuned into’ colour and use a similar breathing exercise, breathing in different colours. My encounter with the Narcissist and all the other stress I was encountering at the time left me so exhausted, BUT, I am feeling a whole lot better and time off work has helped. I should have taken this time off work last year, but i wanted to plough on and I didnt want my employer to know I was juggling one crisis after another. I kept thinking that if I could keep everything together, it would all pass, but alas my health problems took my out of the picture and in a strange way I was so thankful for that. I am one who doesnt buckle easily, but the down side of that is that I shoulder far too much. I think I have learned many lessons since last year. I so believe in the spiritual side of life and I think we are supported on so many levels. I thank you so dearly for your support and prayers and hope that your transformation will bring you to newer levels in yourself. (((hugs)))
I successfully got my child away from the sociopath ex husband by using the character traits of a sociopath against him. A sociopath will NOT follow court orders, and they are an abandoning parent waiting to happen.
I would ‘beg’ for child support…. if it was something I needed, the sociopath would NOT do it. The minute he was late, I filed contempt. He racked up 5 contempts in a year and a half.
After the 5th.. the judge got tired of it and ordered it garnished. (I also now had a paper trail of child support requests).
I would ‘beg’ him to call, send cards ect…go with us to therapy for our son. If I was requesting it.. he wouldnt do it.
(now I had a paper trail of un involvement).
He not only did not get involved, which was the plan all along, but he walked away. He thought he was hurting me, his target.
I also made life miserable for him to keep up his lies. His friends, family and job ….he was so busy keeping up his lies.. he didnt have time to pretend to be a parent.
I had my attorney make numerous requests for discovery… which of course, he would not turn over. Once he did not turn it over.. file contempt. Having a court paper trail is the only thing that works. Courts DONT CARE what your opinion of the sociopath is. They will only look at you as a bitter ex. Dont bother.
It was hard… it made me sick to have contact with him… but it worked.
Its been 3 years since he saw our son. Luckily, my son is now a teenager and can make his own choice should the sociopath ever want contact with him. He wont, he is too busy collecting sympathy from the new victims in his life by telling them I took his child from him. Oh well…Thank God.. it isnt my problem anymore.
Everything you need to know is in the description of a sociopath…. for once, use it to your advantage.
Good luck to all of you.
[Do psychopaths/sociopaths make choices?]
“They become as addicted to their behavior as the drug addict is to the drug, so their choices, and they do choose, become predictable”
[Benzthere] Oh did you say a mouth full!
They are so predictable to it gets funny at time. I don’t mean to be rude but OMG, I just laugh and laugh sometimes at their predictability..
And have learned over time that this “predictability” has become my greatest accessed.
whoamI
I see you have learned this as well, Good for you!
Dear “WhoamI?”–I KNOW WHO YOU ARE! You are ONE SHARP chick! Good for you! The good old “reverse psychology” ploy, worked like a charm I bet! Sometimes they are SO predictable it is almost laughable if it weren’t so sad. Laugh and cry at the same time. Yep, that’s them…a piece of work!
whoamI,
What a great story. I really enjoyed hearing about this.
I do think these people are kind of trapped in their psychosis… (that might be a misuse of the word).
Bad Man was posting ads all over Craigslist and he kept getting blasted off because word was getting out about his true character. The more he tried to sound like someone else, the more he sounded like himself. Finally, he gave up. I have heard that he now uses an “adult” website to troll for his next victim. But not to worry, I have given them a heads up. :o)
Once we see and accept the patterns in their behavior, we can be a step ahead of them… sometimes.
I don’t recommend toying with them unless you have to like “whoamI.”
Awesome story! Thanks for sharing.
I am in the process of getting an order of protection against my exboyfriend who is beyond a shadow of a doubt, a sociopath. I cannot believe all the things that are beyond the imagination that I have endured with him. He is a Dr. and has made me out to be a a gold-digger, although I am also a professional and have actually been supporting HIM for the past several years! My only hope is that the judge sees that I have been completely honest in my testomony – 3 days worth, and his attorney had only asked him a few questions because it was there for all the world to see that he was using a totally fake personality – one of his specialties, and that he could not remember his lies.
What insight I got from this and would like to share, is that anyone seeking an order of protection, be prepared to be cross examined and make sure that you give your attorney enough information and insight as to all the abuse, not just physical. I believe that I should have given examples of the mental abuse as well so that my attorney could ask questions that he would answer truthfully since he believed he was right. This will give the judge more insight.
I have been through years of court-battle nightmares with my sociopathic ex. He is a charismatic con artist and he was lucky to find another sociopathic attorney to help him perpetuate his lies. I was amazed how they were able to manipulate the system and deceive judges. The worst of it, is the pain and suffering that my children have gone through and continue to go through to this day. I also live with the fear, as he has threatened my life in the past, that if he should have any reason to become enraged with me, that he would have me killed. I ordered the book mentioned, just in case he went for full custody. Fortunately, my ex.’s drive for his other pleasures (money & deviant sex) supersede his “possessions, i.e. his children”. However, I know that I must always be on-guard. I kept detailed logs, faxes, emails, etc. and used a journal called “mr. diary” which I would highly recommend – free download, I believe. Sadly, I did not know what I was dealing with in the beginning and did not realize the importance of keeping such records from day 1. It is very important to get as much documentation from other reputable sources, i.e. teachers, doctors, restraining orders, police reports, bank records, etc. Don’t let it go as I did, initially. Because he will make mistakes. He will let down his guard. He will burn his own bridges. He will not fool everyone. He will sink his own ship in his own time. I decided to focus on something that he could not take away from me, my love and care for my children. I decided to focus my energies on being a great parent to my children and to offer them “as normal” a life as I can while they are with me, and to offer them the tools to be strong, confident, and empathetic beings.
I am the person that initially sent in this question to be added to the blog. I want to thank ALL OF YOU for your comments. I have been able to take and learn something from each posting.
To Bergie who sent in this most recent posting I feel the same as you do when you say that you can never let down your guard. I believe that after my ex has done as much psychological/financial destruction as possible he will “disappear” but it will not be permanent. He will ALWAYS be back and up to his same tricks. As for my physical safety I worry for that as well as comments have been made to insinuate the threat to my safety. I have taken self defense courses and I am going to be taking martial arts soon.
It can be very disheartening knowing that this person will always be there waiting and planning against you. I just try to stay strong and focus on the important things that I need to do and be the BEST mother I can for my children and to show them what NORMAL behavior is.
I wish you all the very best of luck.