Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
excuse my typos….i type fast and there is a delay when typing the post and words end up not making sense..i obviously don’t check before sending!!
One steppers,
Yes, he is a shell of a person. No substance at all. Today he asked daughter what he could do for her and she said, dad, you keep trying to suck up to me, it’s not working. He started crying and said that she was mean. Wow. Just wow.
China girl,
The way they make our family and friends unimportant and the fact that I let it happen is a shame. Nobody acts like that when they TRUELY care about a person. You try and get to know the people that are important to the person you care about. My self esteem was too low to process how insidious his tactics were. Talking me out of family events (my family), not being receptive to my friends, asking me to quit work for the good of our family. It was for him, so he could have total control.
I’m thankful you sharing your story about your spath, mine has also offered me material things, offered to hire daughter, suddenly cares for my family. Glad to see that this is a ploy, they will use absolutely anything! It’s just to suck you back in. I would love it if he got a girlfriend and just packed his freaking bags. I hate that he won’t leave.
hopeforjoy – mean children: 1 hollow spath: 0
hmm, you sure there isn’t a whack of house cleaning that needs doing?
hopeforjoy – i asked about your looking at a place – are you going to move? how are you going to end this?
One Steppers,
Yep, I need house cleaning, there’s an empty lot nearby that could use a vegetable garden and I’ve got some really good fertilizer. I’ve got my shovel ready for digging!
Really thought that spath wouldn’t want to uproot the kids and I know he’s protective of his money so paying me for 50% of the value of our house is going to kill him. In this market there is no way we would get the same amount we put into it. I have a friend who is on good terms with an appraiser… Sometimes to beat the spath, you need to stop being so nicey nice and get dirty.
That is how I hope to end it. I don’t want to move but I will do what is necessary.
hopeforjoy – so you are trying to get him to buy you out? how?
One step,
Sorry, I fell asleep after that last post. I will let my lawyer handle everything with splitting assets. Spath will have to pay me for half the house if he keeps it. I wouldn’t think he would want the house because it’s pretty big for one person. He did say I could leave but I couldn’t take the kids. Like that will ever happen. Daughter will NEVER stay with him. She is so strong, I’m really proud of her.
My daughter’s therapist talked to me about how I can’t share anymore info regarding her dad. She asked me about some things and I told her but still kept a great deal from her. She calls how her dad treated her ‘sexual harassment’. He claims I let her read my sexual addiction books and that is why she is uncomfortable around him. Or that she saw them when they were on my nightstand. B.S.
I won’t share anymore with her and make sure I am on the right path. I didn’t want her to feel invalidated because I know she had valid feelings that spath told her were wrong. I’m actually pretty sick of therapists. Their advice to me has been so ambiguous at times. Very sick of this whole thing, it sucks to try and do the right thing when you find out it was the wrong thing. It sucks when you follow the rules and no one else does. It sucks when you have empathy for these bastards.
okay, now i understand – he leaves with the legal end of the marriage.
i get where the therapist is coming from, but i too have trouble with the advice. yes, it is important to protect our children – BUT, there is a difference between protecting them from bitterness and TMI, and protecting them from a spath by giving them with age appropriate information and the validation they need.
I think one of the lessons in dealing with spaths, in the order of ‘big enduring lessons’, is to trust ourselves, follow our own direction, listen to others, but reject what does not fit. it’s a challenge because we are often so traumatized that we are not functional and many of the skills we have for dealing with life and hard times aren’t the same ones we need for dealing with spaths.
but out of our madness comes our personal greatness. it takes a lot of work to get there. i find it interesting that a lot of people here are in their 4th and fifth decades. it’s the time that we say, ‘NO’ out of weariness and a desire for something more authentic in our lives. haha, i just thought, that’s also why i got involved with the spath – following some internal call – unfortunately, it was a siren’s call, and it left me busted on the rocks. and that’s a lesson for me – i need to learn discernment – just because i want the red apple, doesn’t mean that i should focus on the apple when it is being held out to me; i need to focus on who is holding the apple.
therapists, the best advice of others, self help books – i am so careful now. i won’t go the the osteopath whose energy is negative, either. i have to be so careful that i don’t get fucked with on a deep energetic level. i feel polluted enough. i don’t have control over who i interact with at work on a daily basis, but i am not going to people whose energy is incongruent to ‘healing’ to help with my healing. it DOES matter. we know so well what the badness of spaths does to us – we end up lost, sick, emotionally battered and displaced in life.
maybe we have to keep it simple when things are most difficult, and follow a few of our ‘own’ simple rules. i suck at giving myself a break. really bad at it at this point in time. to fight as much as i have to these days feels foreign to me, but i have to do it and not get caught up in feeling like i am a bad person because of it. a**holes need fighting, and my life and rights need defending. it’s a new paradigm for me. if i hadn’t been spathed i wouldn’t be here right now. but here i am and i will keep going, and keep trying. you keep going, too.
best,
one step
one_step_at_a_time,
I feel “polluted” too, wanting to get on an even plane (of existence), getting to a point where I feel clean and healthy inside.
bluejay – i have come to use the term ‘toxic’ a lot, because of the chemical/ toxin exposures i have had in the last 18 months. and ‘polluted’ by the spath is so apt – i think it speaks well of the possibility of change – hopefully we are not seas beyond salvage, but seas vast enough to contain and then purge the pollution.
we just need to have time, work and love on our side.
One step,
Very sagey advice. My will has been like the branches of a willow tree and the wind can bend it with advice and information. Spath has used this to his advantage. The advice from therapists and knowledge from books is not going to help me one iota unless it is applicable to my life. How dare they trivialize my experience.
To have spath say 20 times a day how much he loves me but tell me my vision is cloudy or it’s all in my mind is heinous abuse. Insidious and cruel.
That is what the sock puppets took from you as well. Took your sense of groundedness. There was nothing to keep you firm in this reality when spath was skewing it. It is a mind f*** and unless you’ve been there, you have no idea of the damage it does.
I hope to be strong and hope my branches no longer bend in the wind. I want to have the sass, wisdom, passion, free spiritedness, love of life, loving heart and discernment of unsafe relationships, to live life with abandon when all this is over. I can’t wait.