Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Now you got it, MOTG. You’ll be amazed at how good it feels to let him stew in his own juices while you remain in cucumber land. You’ll be smiling all day long. 🙂 🙂 🙂
Dear Mom, you mention your fiance and THAT may be the point in all this carp from the X–you have someone else in your life and he can’t stand that. (light goes on!) TA DA!!!!! Ching-A-Ling (bells ring)
Now we know a motive! hee hee
Dear Ox
You are SOOOOO right lol. Fiance. Totally normal, wonderful man. Would do anything for me. UNCOMPLICATED !! Brand new home together. Kids have great relationship with him.
And having a baby together.
I suspect the same as you. He hates my happiness.
dear mom
Of course, it is obvious when you know the character of the critter you are dealing with and that is the ONE thing we can count on with these jerks—it is all about CONTROL and if you are out of his control he must find some way to get that back at all costs. (to you of course!)
Actually, I think with everything he has going for him (negatively) that you really don’t have a major problem here.
Keep yourself as low stress as you can for both your health and sanity and your baby as well. Be healthy and happy and to heck with him.
Your girls will catch on soon enough! When ‘s your baby due? ((((Hugs)))))
FEARING FOR MY LIFE.
So my court date is coming up, and I scraped together enough money (barely) for an attorney. She said she was familiar with DV/spath issues, but I’m beginning to have my doubts. She’s telling me to play right into his hands.
The ex spath does not have a lawyer. He sent a list of interrogatories to my lawyer asking for addresses to my witnesses, bank statements (to know where I frequent), and (get this) life insurance policy numbers. She thinks I need to provide this, or risk getting sanctioned by the court. He does not know where I live, which must be driving him crazy because I noticed him driving around my neighborhood yesterday. Yes – I did call the police because we have mutual restraining orders.
This morning I get a motion filed by him to submit treatment records to the court (I was so desperate for help after all I went through, I went into a treatment program last year… BIG mistake. He has gotten a lot of mileage out of that), which my previous attorney already filed. Knowing him, he’s trying to get me to blow through my retainer before our court date, and there are AGAIN several requests for my address. (“I don’t WANT her address, I NEED it to serve her with legal papers”). Riiiiiight. He wants to burn my house down is what he wants to do. We had our Family Court Services appointment yesterday, and I think it went very well. She seemed to get what he was about before I even said anything. He wrote some pretty trippy things in his documents, even for him. She had to read me one under “parenting duties”… “I take my son to the woods to show him all that is love and beauty and light in the universe”. Without a beat she looked at me and said, “Apparently that doesn’t include you.” Otherwise, he just goes on and on about my “anger issues” and “mental illness” (caused by him, of course), and it’s pretty pathetic.
I was feeling really good until I got this today. Guess I should have expected it. If I have to go to court for this b.s., I won’t be able to have representation for the custody hearing. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know if I’ll survive that long. I believe if he starts to understand that he’s not going to get his way, he will try to kill me or have me killed. I know I can’t make the court or anyone else understand that. It all seems so reasonable and innocuous, right??
This SUCKS. Any advice is appreciated.
Dear Freemama,
If you have mutual restraining orders how can he force you to give out your address….??? That doesn’t make sense to me. I wonder about your attorney too.
At least he does not have a lawyer, but he is obviuosly savy enough to try to run through your retainer money.
I think I would “risk” being sanctioned by the court—and would “answer” his questions with “I am afraid to provide this information to the X but will provide this to the COURT in camera, because I am in fear of the X.” And then if the court orders, IF THEY ORDER you to answer these then that’s another ball of wax. Just JUST BECAUSE HE ASKS doesn’t mean you have to answer if there is a good reason NOT to.
As for you “going into treatment” I see that as a GOOD SIGN not a bad sign.
Go sign up for some “parenting classes” and keep on in treatment or therapy on a regular basis to make yourself look good in any case. Do anything you can that will make yourself “look good” and this is not just “window dressing” but playing it smart as courts do NOT always get it about psychopaths.
Keep strong! The book in the LF bookstore “The Legal Abuse Syndrome” might be a big help to you as well. It basiclly tells you how to cope with the legal system, not legal advice as much as coping adivce but good none the less. ((Hugs)))
FreeMama
DON’T SHOW FEAR. They eat that for breakfast. It’s what he wants. They can smell it, they aren’t human. But if you don’t have fear, their is nothing for him to smell. Yes you are right that he probably wants to kill you, but you know what, Fear isn’t going to help you be more rational and protect yourself, it is just a distraction, and he knows that.
All I can recommend is that you read as much as you can about spaths until you can read them like a book. That is their weakness: they all act exactly alike. When you know their patterns of behavior, you lose fear and find yourself sort of entertained.
Thanks… just ordered the Legal book. Everything has been pretty quiet lately… just the usual annoying stuff like returning my child to school in ill-fitting clothes which look like he dug out of a dumpster, refusing to give me any time with him now that school started. I’ve been very patient, and have not reacted for the most part. Me getting a lawyer put him over the edge, and everything since then is going to keep going downhill because I’ve done everything RIGHT and he’s done his usual b.s. I’m considering trying to get another order of protection, though I don’t think I have enough evidence. I dread having to go to court with him for that… maybe that’s what he wants me to do..? Here I go with safety planning again. It’s so unfair. Pardon me while I engage in a little “Why meeeee?” again. We’ve all been there, right??
In my humble opinion:
Don’t be afraid!
Mine counted on my being afraid. He had nothing to gain in court, but he thought I wouldn’t do it, and counted on it.
Keep the faith. Literally.
Prayers. May the peace of the Lord that goes beyond all understanding, be with you.
Dear mama,
Hang in there, and yes, WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE! And believe me safety planning is not to be taken lightly.
Get Gavin DeBecker’s the “GIFT of FEAR” and listen to your own gut! Being stalked and the anxiety it creates is nothing to take lightly and if you feel he is stalking you and is capable of violence, LISTEN TO YOURSELF.
SAFETY FIRST!
Hey, my own attorney that I hired to fight my P son’s parole thought I was a nut case til he saw the evidence, and my therpaist didn’t believe me until I brought in evidence. He thought I was a paranoid nut job! But then he SAW!@....... Hang on and BE SAFE!!! (((Hugs))))