Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Your right…..he doesn’t NEED your address. For ANY reason!
Anything can be served on your attorney! PERIOD.
Your attorney should have informed him of that.
Watch your back….and follow your gut.
Medical records are only available via supeona…..make him show cause necessary for a supeona TO A JUDGE.
This shouldn’t affect your court issues, yet he will make it an issue.
Play the game….supply ONLY what you want, or benefits you…..and then bombard him with redundatn info….and bombard him with discovery requests and interogitories…..BOMBARD!
Once one person ‘declares’ war…..IT”S ON BABY….you must play it harder and heavier…..make him ‘think’ about messing with ya!
Don’t be afraid…like FAD says….fear paralyses us and we can’t think…..we must think quick and deep to BACKSPATH them.
Plot your strategy…..a well thought out one and direct YOUR attroney!
In my state if you have a DV case , they cannot produce court docs with the victim’s address. It’s a protection policy.
My biggest regret in the early stages of my divorce was I was so beaten down by my ex that I agreed, out of fear, to a 50/50 time share. One week with me and one week with him. My son was only three. Tho he was not physically abusive with our son like he was with my older boy (his stepson) he was verbally, psychologically and emotionally abusive. Lots of yelling and intimidation. He kept him housed, fed, clothed etc. but no nurturing whatsoever.
I tried three times to change that f&#%$ time share but I couldn’t once it was in place. My son cried all the time that he hated being over there. My ex ignored him while he was on the internet looking for women and he was overly strict. And he would not allow my son to express anger, frustration etc. My son had to ask permission to get a glass of milk from the fridge. A very controlled environment. My ex would refuse to let him come home early and my son COULD NOT see me during the week he was with his dad even though I lived across the street from my son’s school!! Ditto for phone calls. Authoritarian azzhole.
It was the hardest thing for me to see my son cry because he hated leaving me for a whole week. When he came home, he was so pent up emotionally from stuffing things for a whole week. He was just a little kid. I have a hard time forgiving myself sometimes for being so weak early on during the initial stages of the divorce.
The good news is that I always told my son that someday he would have a say. He knew I was trying to get him the H outta there. He grew up to be a really big kid, husky and brawny and sure nuff at 13 years old his dad pushed him too far and my son got in his face ad told him that if he said one more word to him he would kick his ass. My ex is not a big man just a big mouth. I used to tell my son when he was little that his dad was like a lion with no teeth. He can just roar. That seemed to help him.
Not long after the confrontation my son asked to see his Guardian at Litem (a really good thing to have in my case). I took him and she spoke with him for a hour. When she was finished she asked me “what the hell is going on with ___ (the ex)”? She immediately terminated the ex’s visitation rights. She never really believed me that the ex was a whack job. My son was 13. As you all can imagine we celebrated like no tomorrow that night.
My son has turned out to be really cool young man. He does go to therapy regulary and refuses to see his dad. It has been three years. The ex paid CS for awhile but is now under the radar again and his whereabouts is unknown.
EB you give me inpiration to keep trying and not let go of that bone!! My tendancy is to say “I don’t need his F&&@.......#ing money anyway”. Which I can do without. But it’s the idea of letting him know HE CAN’T GET AWAY WITH IT is the point. Last time I took him to court the judge told him one more time and he goes to jail. So now he is on the lamb.
EB how do you find someone that is so cunning?
My biggest advice I can give to anyone going through a divorce with a weirdo like my ex is A) DO NOT EVER AGREE TO A 50/50 TIMESHARE and
B) get a lawyer who is known for being a PITBULL.
Thanks for listening everyone.
AR
Dear Adamsrib,
Glad that your son turned out to be a good kid! You at least got that satisfaction and hopefully he will be savy enough to spot the signs when he starts seriously dating!
I am also glad that your GAL did listen to your son but I imagine 10 years of living that way wasn’t any picnic for your son between ages 3 and 13. Well, the good news is that at least your son doesn’t have to put up with him NOW!
Good luck on getting your back CS–but at least while he is on the lam he can’t be accumulating too much–the rolling stone gathers no moss. Might be some satisfaction to at least track him down and serve him. I got a PI to do some interesting searches for me (done from his computer) for $225 that was great and well worth it. I didn’t have much luck with the online pay for search stuff though EB has I think. It would help too if his name isn’t John Jones or something very common. LOL Good luck!
Ox,
Thanks. Yes during that ten years I TRIED like hell to get it reversed. The ex was so good at posturing and posing tho. During those years I had a mutual friend with the ex and she was the middle person. She often had my son (while the ex was out with his online thing) and she and I would sneak visits with my own son! My friend never told and neither did my son. She was a God send for the situation.
He is realizing through therapy(and a recent break up with his first love-he’s 16 and she says that the problem was he is too boring!) that he needs to be careful of those tendencies. All in all he did turn out ok but I still watch him for any signs of dysfunction.
Was watching a clip on CNN video of Jane Velez Mitchell. She had a man who abused his wife for 39 years and then went into therapy and claims he is a changed person. Didn’t give the wife’s side unfortunately. He went on to say that once he realized that he could end the cycle starting with himself and having accountability from the other men in his therapy group, he was able to make some real changes in his behavior. They were discussing the cycle of violence and yeah that does worry me.
I’ll try to find that clip. It was interesting but in light of what I have learned here on spaths he must not be one but then ???
We know they CANNOT change. Why was he so controlling is my question.
Take care
Jane Vellez Mitchell
Abuser Reformed?
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/bestoftv/2010/10/19/jvm.reformed.abuser.hln?iref=allsearch
Dear Adamsrib,
They can PRETEND TO CHANGE, and sometimes therapy gives them the “acting lessons” and the words to use to mask their disorder.
Some are better at masking than others. Bobbie’s suggestions about vetting someone new in our life (especially a romantic one) are very good because most of them can’t keep up the pretense for a long time and under a wide variety of situations.
The problem with that is, as I found out, I SAW the red flags but MINIMIZED THEM myself. He didn’t have to cover up the stink, I covered it up FOR HIM.
I didn’t start seeing signs of trouble in my son until he hit puberty and he MORPHED from a really good kid into a monster, but I thought it was just the usual “teenaged” stuff, he hid the illegal and criminal aspects from me, but even after I saw them I kept thinking I could “save him” by getting some kind of sense into his head before he got into something that couldn’t ever be overlooked….like the murder he did at age 20. He’d only been out of the pen about 5 months when he did that.
If your son is not openly rebellious by now I would think he is not likely to be…boring is good, actually. The risk taking should be in positive ways, rock climbing instead of street racing in a car, etc. My P-son seemed to like the “putting one over on someone” and the thrill he got from pulling off something risky or illegal. The thrills of honest accomplishments didn’t seem to satisfy him, though he was extremely capable. He relished the dishonest and the higher the risk the better…he was so arrogant that he thought that the cops couldn’t figure him out. He didn’t realize that he wasn’t the smartest person in the world. Or that anyone had ever dealt with anyone as grand as he was! LOL
That arrogance, more, much more, over the top than most teeangers, looking back was a big red flag. No sense of reality. Everything was going to fall into his lap–fame, fortune, money, women, cars and airplanes, anything he wanted. The high life!
Yea,….NOT! He’s just another lifetime convict now–never had a real relationship with a woman, never had a real job, didn’t finish high school though he had scholarships to any college he wanted to go to–dropped out to be a thug. Wow, what a success! But he actually sees himself as a “success.” (head shaking here!)
Ox,
It’s a good thing that you don’t carry the guilt of your son’s behavior. When my boys were younger and they had grade problems or issues at school, I always tended to blame myself. They’ve been good so far and I cannot imagine some of the things you describe about your son what you must have gone through. I think the guilt would send me over the edge. We all want our kids to turn out right. God bless you. You’re a strong lady.
He does well in school and he’s in ROTC and that has been really good for him (tho at first I balked because I really am not into the military thing but I support him). He’s motivated and disciplined but really who knows what will come back and haunt us. I can only trust in God. Prayer has been a biggie in raising these boys. Without help from Someone bigger than myself I d’ be in a nut house by now!
You are SO RIGHT!!! We MUST vet these guys really good before we go any further than dinner with them. Wish I knew that in my younger years. But now I can help those who are unaware. I hope so at least.
AR
Dear AR,
I think if they have hit puberty without any great signs of psychopathy you are probably “safe” from the worst of it with them.
FREE CHOICE–we each have choices. The psychopath’s genes incline him more to the dark side, but they DO have a choice. To do right or wrong. To work or to steal. They are not robots without choice. So his choices are his. I’m sorry he chose that direction…and yes, it hurt to see anyone you love destroy themselves, much less someone else, but wasn’t my choice.
Working through the pain and loss. I think I am about there. Listening to the tape last night of his voice didn’t send me for a loop, so that’s a good sign. For me, prayer was the only way to survive.
That’s good to hear. So far he has been really good-thank God
I really appreciate the explanation on free choice. It’s helpful. I have wondered about that.
Can I ask you something else? About gas lighting?
Lately my closest friend at the gym has been questioning my side of the story with the gym spath. They are friends (not close friends but on good terms) and she seems to have a hard time believing me. I am really hurt over this because it seems to her like I am at fault. He is mad because I refuse to have anything to do with him. He has been telling some of the men in the gym lies about me and when I try to avoid him my friend doesn’t seem to understand. It’s as if she thinks I am overreacting. I really don’t think she gets it when I say he is narcissistic. I am careful not to say too much. I always remember what EB says about loose lips.
She told me today “well the guys never say anything about me that way” (derogatory stuff , like he is spreading about me) I tell her it’s because she’s married and if I know her husband he will kick their asses if they do. I don”t have anyone to defend me in that department and I don’t know what to do. I really love her as a friend but it’s like she is caught in the middle.
Thanks for listening.
Dear Adamsrib,
First off, I say “define friend”—there are levels of friendship (I realize I am preaching to the choir here but bear with me) so what level is this “friend” at the gym? So how much do you have INVESTED in this “friendship” (i.e. how much do you really have to lose here? Would she loan you her car? Clean your house if you were sick? Come to your rescue if you had a flat tire? Stick up for you if someone were talking badly about you?)
Secondly, yea she probably doesn’t get it. The comment though about “the guys don’t talk about me like that” sounds pretty SNOTTY to me, frankly.
As far as having someone to defend you at the gym, what is wrong with VALIDATING yourself?
Maybe say to her “Marilyn, I know you probably don’t really understand why I don’t care to be around John, but the point is, that he creeps me out. I DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE A REASON he creeps me out, he just does. Why don’t we talk about something else? How about those Cubbies?”
It was SO important to me to be validated in my feelings and paranoia at first. It was of supreme importance, but as I got further down the road I felt less need for external validation. I still enjoy external validation but I can get along pretty well without it any more. I’m realizing I am pretty well cone smart cookie, and my opinion counts–ESPECIALLY WITH ME.
You are a pretty smart cookie too, AR, and your opinion should COUNT FOR A LOT WITH YOU!!!
You do NOT need a reason to not want to associate with anyone. YOU are enough of a reason that you don’t want to. You are NOT REQUIRED by any law I know to be nice to some guy because you go to the same gym.
And where does “she” get off thinking you do? If she gives you any more trouble let me know and I’ll send the cyber skillet flying out her way! LOL