Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Haha LOL. First time I have laughed in all day!
She is not a long time friend about a year. We do hang out outside of the gym but she tends to keep her home life separate from our friendship. The only time I was in her home was with the spath and it was her and her husband and me and the spath. Since I ended it with the spath, I have not been back in her home. She’s a work out buddy mostly.
Funny, when it comes to intuiting for others, I’m pretty good at it but when it comes to my own stuff or my family, the signals get a little fuzzy. Kinda like when I could do wonders for clients but I would get emotional when it came to my own elderly mother. The subjectivity seems to alter my intuition. But I am picking up that she is the kind of person who likes to keep her head in the sand and doesn’t like to rock the boat. She likes to stay on the positive and ignore the negative. When it comes to true friendship tho this is not a good trait. Sometimes our friends need us when things are not good.
As far as not having someone to defend me, you are right, I can do my own ass kicking! I don’t really need a “husband” like she has. I had the thought today that I need to get really tough AND JUST THREATEN TO REPORT THEM FOR SEXUAL HARASSMENT!!
I think as you say, over time I will get better at validating myself. I love the way you say “I DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE A REASON he creeps me out, he just does.”
That makes more sense than anything I have heard in a long time!!
Thanks again Ox. You are the BOMB!! 🙂 I feel a lot better.
(((hugs)))
AR
Dear AR,
You know, it sounds so SIMPLE–“I don’t need a REASON…” but you are right, it isn’t always so obvious to us when we are so close to the trees—to see the forest!~
Glad I gave you a smile.
Validating myself has been (and still is) difficult for me too. (((hugs)))
probably because you are the kind of person (I am feeling) that is not ego centered. You seem to be a pretty humble person even though you are tough, able to confront and are aware of your humorous side.. Deep down you have a core of humility and you respect others. That comes across clearly just in reading your posts.
Validating one’s self means having a healthy sense of who we are and you certainly seem to have that. You have probably grown into it tho. Perhaps, like me, being put down as children, being scolded, criticized, just trashed at the center of who are are developing into, well, that did a lot of damage to our image of ourselves.
Consequently, we can’t validate ourselves so easily as others can. And deep within us it is hard to believe it when we are. Hard to accept praise.
Anyway, sorry to ramble on so. Keep up the good you do on LF. You are awesome, lady 🙂
g’nite
Dear AR,
I think you have hit on it to a great extent. Have you heard of the “imposter syndrome?” Where you feel as if your acomplishments aren’t “real” but that you are Faking–being an imposter–not a “real”_____ (fill in the blank).
I noticed that feeling of “boy, have I got you fooled” about 7th or 8th grade when a teacher complimented me on a 100% on a test. I didn’t know (then) what it was or why I felt that way, but have felt that way since as well. Achievements weren’t “real”—
Thread is typing slow so I am off here, but I think you are on to why it is difficult to validate ourselves.
I’m back 🙂
My son was hospitalized for a week in October. Nothing serious; just a CF “tune up”. However, it triggered what I would call an episode in my ex. I did everything I was supposed to in notifying him of appointment times well in advance, coming up with a fair, workable schedule during the hospitalization, and ASKING for his input and agreement.
Over the course of the week, he refused to write down important medical information – because I suggested it. Resulted in his wife giving me VERY important info – COMPLETELY WRONG. I addressed it in writing, asked very nicely for them to please write things down (we were doing 24 hour shifts), and still – NOTHING. I even provided a notebook and created a big chart on the wall. NOT ONE WORD WAS WRITTEN.
Then the emails began. I started getting weird accusatory emails, stating complete lies, rehashing all the accusations that were already addressed in court, and ending with him saying that I need to call him, and not email. He is still trying to make things be the way HE nees them to be – regardless of our custody order. Still manipulating, lying, and very obviously trying to set things up to drag me back into court. Thank God I keep witnesses with me (my husband is a cop) and everything documented….
Finally to my question… after comments made by my son (about how daddy doesn’t like me, and says mean things) and what I’ve known about the ex for years and how it isn’t stopping and never will – I have now decided to exercise my legal custody rights and am interviewing counselors for him.
The CF is the issue – mainly. That is also how I will convey it to the Ex. I will first meet alone with the doctor, then when I’ve made up my mind as to who I want him to see – I will make an appt for my son, and inform the Ex.
I am uncertain how much to tell the doc. I am 100% certain that my ex will be dragging me back into court in an effort to “win” back custody, and I need to be very very careful about how I handle the counseling. I cannot give him an avenue to accuse me of turning my son and counselor “against him” – and he WILL do this. No matter what I do. But I have to cover my own ass.
I’m also quite certain he will fight the counseling, but I intend to follow through. So he will definitely meet with the counselor one on one also – which is fine… I welcome that, to avoid accusations of one-sidedness later on.
I want the focus to be on MY SON, and helping him – not on me and Ex. But I also feel that the doc needs to understand what we’re dealing with fully in order to help my son fully. I’m not sure if I should give him my notebook (which as my documentation adn copies of all emails), how much I should tell him about what I already know about what is going on, the manipulation, lies, what my son has been saying – what my ex did and said to and in front of my son in the past, etc… etc…
All advice appreciated! Thanks
CFmama
Dear CFmama
(((((Mama))))) Darling the focus should be on your son, not on the EX but you know that THEY must be the center of attention. The fact that your son has a problem is beside the point to him…your son and the medical problem are just ways to get back at YOU.
I’m not sure what to say to the counselor, but I think you need to be sure to get a counselor that UNDERSTANDS PPD and when you do, then you can give him/her the documents to back it up.
Good luck and God bless you in this fight! and Pox on your X! (((hugs))))
I am interviewing a psychologist, so I am fairly confident he will be able to pick up on it all. I’m SURE he will.
Unfortunately, I am still very much afraid of the ex and what he thinks he is capable of… and still very much afraid of his ability to convincingly lie and manipulate every situation. I need for my son to get the help he needs and will need for years to come – WITHOUT the ex manipulating it…
Little story: at all doc appts, ex monopolizes our son’s time. He is 4.5 years old, so easy to do. Ex stays far away from me, and cajoles our son into staying next to him. If he tries to come to me for anything, ex will pull out his phone and say he’s got a new video to show him, or ANYTHING to keep the attention on him. This happens 100% of the time we have to be together (which are only medical times).
The day my son was discharged from the hospital, ex and his wife showed up. I had been there the night before with him, and it was a Wednesday – the start of my five day physical stretch with him – not to mention I have sole legal custody.
Our son had a PICC line that had to be taken out. Needles and that damn tape are the only pain he is ever in, so he was dreading getting it out.
When ex showed up, he of course got our son’s attention and kept it for the entire two hours. First, he said that HE was going to take care of getting that PICC out, and said “you didn’t think daddy forgot about ya did you… daddy told you I’d take care of everything” when in fact HE wasn’t taking care of anything! ALL ABOUT HIM
When it came time to actually get it out, our son sat on the bed, his dad literally sat right in front of him, and put his arms down on either side of him – blocking anyone from getting near him. When the doctor got her tray together and sat down on the other side of the bed, she had to ask ex to move out of the way. Instead of moving and letting her do her job, he took the stuff from her, and insisted he help his son – saying that our son would be more comfortable with him doing it and helping. At one point the doctor got very frustrated and told him he had about one minute to keep trying, then we were taking him into a treatment room to get it out. It was just taking off all that tape, and ex was drawing it out from a quick five minute thing to over 20 minutes with himself being the only focus of our son. I almost stepped in and said OK enough is enough – but didn’t.
My husband has been around the last couple years and witnessed a lot – but he said that was the weirdest, creepiest thing he’s ever seen with all the ex’s antics.
scaredCFmama – narcissism knows no bounds! what a nightmare this must have been for you and your son. I am surprised the Doc let him get away with it – but that speaks to the power of narcissists.
Get some info together on cluster b personality traits and make sure you have it with you when you interview the psychologist. Many of them don’t have experience with these disordered types, much to the surprise of most of us here.
Dear Mama,
WOW!!!! Yep, pretty weird, I wish the physician had been more proactive though. You might actually go talk to your son’s regular doctor and any specialists he sees “off the record” and at least make them AWARE of what is going on. They might turn out to be good witnesses for you if they start to WATCH what your X is doing with your son.
BTW do NOT think that a PhD means that a psychologist “gets it” about psychopaths. Many of them do NOT—and I mean KNOW NOTHING ABOUT, and wouldn’t recognize one 1 out of 100 times if the P spit in their face. So BE CAREFUL and don’t assume they do know. Get them to TELL YOU their definition of “ASPD” or “psychpathy” you may find they think it is a serial killer and very rare. Sorry.
He actually got away with it.
Received my Family Court Services recommendation, and though I have done everything for my son since birth, they are recommending 50/50 joint custody and decision-making. They did not find that he was abusive in any way, only that he “did not respect” and “cheated” on me. They did NOT talk to my DV counselor, though I signed a release. They did NOT talk to my therapist, though I signed a release. She arrived to this conclusion because the judge in my protection order case believed his lies and didn’t grant it. She talked to my best friend who’s known me for 15 years, and that was it. He had two people speak to this social worker… a therpaist he saw 4 times last year, and the person who ran the parenting class he went to. That person said he had such remarkable insight, they asked him to stay around and *get this* be a MENTOR for other parents after the class was over!!! He really shined them on.
Of course, that is not a surprise to me. Oh yes – and they think the house he’s sharing with three other people makes him a “stable” person. The man’s never lived alone and can’t do a thing for himself, yet all he had to do was go on craigslist, latch on to someone else’s stability, and he actually gets the credit! I have a three bedroom home I work my arse off for, he has one room with a bunk bed for our son, and this idiot actually thinks we should be 50/50. I live 4 blocks from the school, he lives 30 minutes away in no traffic (and there’s always traffic).
My god. I’m pretty devastated right now, and really a bit in awe over how masterful he is at the game of manipulation. I don’t know what to do now. I can go to court still, but the judge will probably rely pretty heavily on this report. I can’t believe this. I’m in shock. I really can’t believe he pulled this off, and I can’t believe I really have to share my beloved child with this monster for half his life.
This is so hard to read. He really said all the right things! If I didn’t know him, I would “Wow – this woman is really unreasonable not to communicate with this nice guy for the good of their son”. That is what a judge will think. I have to go through and pick out all the untruths and misinterpretations for my lawyer, but I just want to wretch every time I read it. No contact will be impossible for me with this. I will never be free.
*Sobbing now* Sometimes the sociopaths win.