Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Dear Freemama,
I am so very sorry. This is just a suggestion and who knows if it will help. Perhaps your attorney could ask for a forensic psychologist evaluation. It is very expensive, but they look at all sides, review all records and turn in a recommendation report to the court. Usually the court listens to them. Hopefully they are trained enough to see through the manipulation.
Trust me I understand and am so sorry.
MiLo
I have thought of that, and will ask my lawyer about it. Our court date is in 4 weeks. Does anyone know if that is something the judge has to order? Our deadline for discovery is over. I’m not sure I can even submit it. I KNOW he won’t agree to take it.
The advice I was given over and over was to NOT tell the social worker that I suspected he was a sociopath directly. I did say he had no conscience. I also said he had impulsive behavior, was parasitic, had no interest in being responsible, etc. What she got out of that was that if I could only get over my dislike of my ex and “move past it”, we both could have a lot to offer our son and we could make co-parenting work. She totally dismissed everything I said as petty. That’s what he’s been telling me this whole time, of course. Just “put the past behind us and move forward”. That might work with some, but not with the spath. I am solid with the need for no contact. I have not forgotten how much he took from me and how much he hurt me. Unfortunately, the social worker saw that as stubbornness and unwarranted paranoia, and worries how that will affect my child’s view of his father. No one seems to get that it was HIS ACTIONS that got us here. I am no-contact to protect myself from him in the future, and they want me to give that up?!
It took me a long time to get to the point where I had enough, but I must admit that now even I am doubting if I have the strength to maintain my boundaries. This social worker has weakened my resolve. Part of me DOES want to give communication with him another try, and part of me thinks that maybe I AM too judgmental and unforgiving. Then I think – “Of course! That is exactly why you have been a victim for so long!” He is counting on me to give in. It is expected of me. The definition of insanity is making the same bad decision over and over and expecting a different result. He will NEVER change. I know this. I just don’t know how to “move forward” now. The state is forcing me to continue to be abused.
Dear Freemama,
I am so sorry that you and your son are going through this and would put my arms around you right now if I could reach through my screen. ((((hugs)))) You are in my prayers. That’s all I can say, I can’t find other words of comfort right now. I wish I could. God bless you! (((hugs))))
Freemama,
Yes, unfortunately the court seems to pick up where the P leaves off with the abuse. I think my grandson has been abused more by the court than his P Mom.
You may not have a choice with the NC, he will at the very least get some sort of visitation. I would concentrate on preventing the co-parenting for now.
As far as the forensic psychologist, the way it worked in our case, we had our attorney motion the court for the evaluation, offered to pay for it ($3,000 – $5,000) and then the court ruled on the motion. If the court grants your motion HE will have no choice but to be investigated and cooperate.
Don’t forget Family Wizard for communication with the P.
MiLo
Free mama,
That is a horrible thing that the court did, how can they get away with it? It seems the spath is a wizard with the lies and manipulation, it’s pathetic. After our eyes have opened we have no idea how people can buy their crap.
I wish I had some advice for you, I can only imagine how you must feel. As my therapist said, you need to be the healthy parent. You need to model good behavior and be solid. Gray rock, sound backbone, emotions in check.
Don’t give in, you are right about insanity and they push us to the brink. It will only feed the beast if you have contact, but it will never be enough to satisfy him. He’ll take and leave you out in the cold every single time.
I’m thinking of you and hope that the battle is not done, that you will have some peace.
Advice anyone?
My spath ex just added his new girlfriend and ex-wife to his witness list. I’m a little shocked about the ex-wife. They were married for 5 years, but I never once met her (and I did ask a lot). Last I heard she didn’t want anything to do with him. I imagine he’s been working on getting her on his side since the custody battle started. Amazing. And the new girlfriend? Never met her either. I know he promised me in court that he would wait 6 months to introduce our son to new women, but my kiddo started talking about her and how they slept at her house by about month 3. I understand from the one family member who still talks to me that she’s “really nice”. Of course! He doesn’t prey on anything else. Amazing how he can recruit a “nice woman” to take a child from a mother she’s never even met.
Hoping there’s someone out there with experience on how to approach people in court who have been successfully manipulated by the spath. What kind of questions would reveal their true nature?
DEar FReemama,
Sugar, I wish I had answers for you…only way I can think of is to counter with some medical witnesses for your side and character witnesses both for you and against him. (((Hugs)))) and pray a lot!
Freemama,
this could be in your favor.
You need to work on the ex-wife. She has conveniently forgotten how he treated her, so you must remind her.
But don’t do it by showing up and whining. Educate her about spaths. Appeal to her reason, approach her without emotion. Get her the book, “why is it always about you?”
“The sociopath next door” is another good one. Whichever books best portray the type of behavior that he exhibits, will help her see that she is dealing with a sociopath.
If she can show up AS HIS WITNESS, but then surprise him by agreening with you, you will win.
Furthermore, if she testifies to all the ways he manipulated her and the new girlfriend is listening, it may trigger an AHAH moment in her.
It’s a long shot, I know. So many factors can interfere, but you just need to keep your eye on the big picture. He will be playing games, and you know what those are, so play them back.
Been away awhile but dealing with more craziness from SP!!
Wondering what I should do. I hadnt spoken to Sp for moths but I lost it the other day and got on the phone with him. Now I feel awful cause he got me so upset and he wont stop calling emailing me.
I have strictly been sticking to our court order which is pretty vague really. But he has been ok with following it for the past few moth. But now that it is Christmas he is demanding to see them when he doesnt hve them (because last year I let him have them for a week). My lawyer is asking him to come up with a permanent visitation schedule to follow but he wont do it! So, I have just been following the last court order we have.
He is furious he cant see the kids at Christmas. He got on the phone with them and told them he was comgin to pick them up anyway. So, they were crying and saying they are scared , confused and didnt know what to do. They were so worried he would come to get them. One of the girls said she hates her life, wishes her parents would get along and said she feels stuck in the middle and wishes she was normal.
I was so so so sad for her. I decided to deal with it so she didnt have to deal with it. I took the phone and told him he was not coming to pick them up and he verbally insulted me , accused me of keeping the kids from him and said I was evil and manipulaive.
He keeps emailing me and calling me constantly even though I have aready addressed the issue on the phone and through email.
I dont want to answer the phone cause I have nothing to say to him. I dont want him upsetting the girls anymore. I also have clearly responded to his emails.
Do I keep responding to his emails or do I ignore him? Do I give in to him and let him have the kids at Christmas? He makes me feel so messed in the head. He has always been able to make me feel crazy.
I felt liek I was doing great with emailing him in a business like manner, not seeing him or speking with him. But now I feel lost again. He really has the ability to make my head spin.
And to top it all off he is still having the kids call their brother , my parents and my grandparents when they ar with him. They are all still communicating.
This is so complicated. And I just want to make this as sinple as possible so I can lead a somewhat normal happy life.
I am so afraid he will show up on Christmas day and call the police, get the kids upset and ruin the day. He would do that just to upset me/
momoftwingirls – glad to hear you were doing so well, and you can make it through this one , too. try to do some things that calm you, and help you to get out of the spin you are in – calming and grounding things like some exercise and deep breathing
follow your order TO A TEE. don’t deviate. he hasn’t come up with a permanent solution – too bad. he’s had lots of chances.
do not respond to his calls OR EMAIL. don’t be ‘business like’ at this point, don’t be anything – just don’t respond. you have told him once – now you are just being played. refuse to play.
put some things in place for xmas day – he may well show up. you need to have a witness or a video camera/ audio recorder on hand to document any incursion on his part. document document document …if he shows up , then you have some material for the police and a RO.
take care.