Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
He gets me so afraid that I am doing everything wrong. Our court order is pretty vague , like I said, and it says he has them one weekend per month. We have been doing the 3rd weekend of each month since I got strict on following it. But now he says that it doesnt state the 3rd weekend so he wants the 4th weekend which is xmas of course.
The order says we are to follow one weekend per month until Dec 2007 and then we are to come to a new agreement. This was because he was not using his visitation and the judge wanted him to have consisitent visits for 6 months before he let him see the kids more. If he complied with the one weeknd per month then we were supposed to do up a new agreement.
That was 3 years ago and no agreement was made. So I assume it is ok to continue the one weekend per month
He wil not try to do up a new agreement and just wants to negotiate visits each month . This causes too much conflict. and with his recent actions behind my back I decided I could not cintinue to negotiate anything with him.
mom – good decision.
i would look into getting something new in place in the new year. should it not have gone back to a judge in 2007?
Dear mom,.
In order to keep him from ruining Christmas, how about you START A NEW TRADITION WITH THE GIRLS.
Have santa come on Christmas eve EARLY so they can open their presents then, and then on CHRISTMAS DAY or even on Christmas eve after a wonderful supper, go to a HOTEL for the night and Christmas day—let the kids rent a movie and maybe if you can afford it get a hotel with an indoor swimming pool, and when he comes to your house YOU WILL BE GONE!!!!!!! HEE HEE HEE My egg donor kept ruining my christmas times by throwing fits because I didn’t want to be around her brother Uncle Monster for Christmas–so I finally said to myself, FARK IT, I will BE GONE! And I took my kids and left the state for Christmas. Nothing to keep you from doing that, but at the last minute I like HOTEL BIT—and you can do that on a moment’s notice and just make it a SURPRISE for the girls! Just mommy and girls bonding time!
As for him calling your folks etc I would tell your folks that for YOUR SAKE AND THE GIRLS’ THAT YOU WISH THEY WOULD NOT CONTACT HIM OR LET HIM CONTACT THEM.
They are not respecting YOU by continuing contact with him after the way he has treated you. If they don’t like that and continue to support him, you may have to take other actions. But I would start with that first.
Dear mom,
sounds like he is just determined to ruin YOUR christmas by taking the girls that day. He doesn’t care about them enough to see them otherwise.
One thing you should always do is show no emotion. Never let him see how you feel. UNLESS YOU ARE FAKING EMOTION LIKE THEY DO.
Then just lay it on thick.
Next time he calls tell him he has RUINED your christmas and the girls now HATE christmas and don’t even want to celebrate it. Tell him the just mope about it and don’t even want presents because they are so upset. Tell him this is the worst Christmas EVER, and you will never forget it. Do this by phone or in person but not in an email. You don’t want to give him any evidence of what you have said, also don’t do it infront of the girls.
Maybe then he’ll be satisfied that he’s done his job.
Hello everyone. I am new to this site and appreciate all of the helpful information. I too am dealing with custody battle with my ex husband/sociopath. Our 3 year old daughter is really suffering as a result. To make a very long story short, I left my ex at 7 months pregnant, and now fighting a relentless 3 plus year battle in court. He’s completely pathological and at this point I am fighting to regain full custody, we have 50/50 now. Our daughter is deathly afraid of her dad. She will not go anywhere alone with him, and it requires his parents to be present in order for her to go with him. Every time I have to walk her out to his parents’ car, Faith keeps a good 5-10 foot distance from her dad. I am concerned as to why she is so afraid of him. Currently he has reported me to CPS 5 times and has accused me of sexual abuse to neglect. We are now back in court on his 8th OSC filing, and at this point I can only pray that the judge orders a 730 evaluation. The court is starting to discover his shady past and because he represents himself, the court wants to be extra cautious in making sure he rights are upheld.
Yesterday, randomly I ran into him at a coffee shop in town. Faith was with me and I noticed he was meeting with a guy who was very scary looking. The guy he was with had multiple tattoos and looked like a gangster, and when they both saw me, they appeared to be uncomfortable. At no point did Faith’s father interact with his daughter during the time we were there, and when she saw him, she became extremely frightened. We have multiple court dates approaching, one of which is 1/28/11 to decide if the court will appoint a 730 evaluator. I am hoping and praying this happens.
Today, I desperately need some feedback. Per court order, she has to go back with him tomorrow (sun). He lives with his parents and every time she has to go back there, she becomes extremely distraught and inconsolable. When her dad comes to the door, she refuses to go with him, so I end up having to walk her out to the car and hand her over to grandma, who sits next to Faith in the back seat. Faith’s grandparents will never leave Faith alone with dad. So my dilemma is today Faith is sick with 104 temp and the last thing I want to do is hand her over to them sick. Tomorrow if she refuses to go with him, I am not going to walk her to his parents. I know he will call the police and as the police have said in the past, if she doesn’t want to go, they will not force her. He will then file another OSC for contempt and I will have to deal with it again in court. I do have great attorney’s working on my case, and they too see what kind of crazy guy he is. At this point he is losing credibility in court and I need to protect our daughter.
I would appreciate feedback as to what I should do in sending her back with him tomorrow.
Thank you,
Mommyof2
mommyof2, I am distraught at hearing how frightened your daughter is at seeing her father, I hope this is documented in some way for the court. I personally have not had to deal with this type of experience, but many on this board have, sometimes it takes awhile to get a response, just the nature of this website, people come and go, sometimes it’s busy, sometimes very slow, the people here are very supportive and helpful and like I said… I have read many posts here from mom’s and dad’s going through the same thing. It might help to read some of the comments and try to find other articles on this site about parenting and the courts. I’ll try to find some. xoxo
Here is one link:
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/10/29/letters-to-lovefraud-vigorous-campaign-to-portray-me-as-angry-and-hostile/
and if you look near the top left hand side of any page on the blog, there are articles under “Sociopaths and Family”, quite a few of the articles are about dealing with famiy court. Hope this helps until peeps with experience dealing with child custody issues are able to give you some feedback.
Mommy:
I’d listen closely to HIS accusations. If she is so fearful of her father…..as it seems….he may be telling YOU exactly what he’s doing to her through his accusations of you.
It’s called projection.
If your daughter is not in therapy….get her to a good therapist. Pay for it yourself…..and get this out in the open as fast as you can…..documented through a child psychologist.
If she’s sick, can you reschedule the visit. If not…..remember, you need to do what’s in your daughters best interest…..and if she’s at 104…she needs rest and fluids and to be comfortable.
You can’t control him….if he calls the cops, let him. Your NOT refuising her to go….you wouldn’t let her go with anyone sick. Her best interest.
The more shit he pulls, the more he exposes himself!
Keep up the good fight darlen….it’ll be a long haul.
Thank you both for your quick responses. There are times when I just feel so incredibly overwhelmed and alone, however, I am reminded by the stories on this site that I am not.
Thank you shabbychic for the link.
As ErinBrock commented, I am truly concerned that his accusations are a form of projection. Faith has been in therapy now for about a month. I found a child psychologist who has been wonderful in agreeing to see Faith without her father’s consent. I showed her the surveillance videos and that was all she needed to call State Boards to figure out a way to see Faith. She also noticed how withdrawn and quiet Faith is when she transfers back to me from being with her dad for the week. I also have Faith in preschool 3 days on my week, and on Faith’s first day, which was on my custody day he went to school and asked the administrator to take him to her classroom so he could check her pants. He told the teacher that Faith shouldn’t be allowed in school because she’s not potty trained, so he went into the class and right in front of the other kids, pulled her pants half down to see if she had an accident. The administrator was so disturbed by not only what he did, but by Faith’s reaction to him that she wrote a statement that day which is now included in our court filing. Our hearing on the 28th is specifically to appoint a 730 evaluator, and I am praying the Judge agrees to this, as I believe that a third party psychologist really understanding what is happening could help my custody case tremendously.
I also have video monitors outside the front door of my home that have recorded Faith’s reaction to her Father every time he picks her up.
As far as tomorrow, I expect to have the police at home, and yet if she’s still sick, she’s not going. Honestly at this point, after 3 + years I am worn out and no longer moved by his sick games.
Please continue to keep my little on in your prayers, she is so precious and it so traumatic for her when she has to go back with him.
One more piece of info”.there’s so much, but when she’s in his custody, he usually leaves her for days with his parents to care for her. So it’s never been about spending time with his daughter, this has always been about getting back at me. Unfortunately his parents have and will continue to defend and protect him, because they are very much like him.
mommyof2 – i don’t have much to add, except that i feel for you and your daughter, and want to encourage you in this fight. it sounds like he is revealing himself – it’s the best thing we can do – document document document and leverage the situations when their masks slip.
one thing i wanted to ask you about though – you said that his parents wouldn’t leave your daughter alone with him, but also that they are just like him. i found these two statements a bit confusing taken in conjunction.
take care and keep fighting.
Mommy:
My heart weighs heavy for your D.
His behaviors are PATHETIC and HORRID!
Now…..the ‘good’ part is……he is doing this in front of people….NEW people……no less.
Kudo’s for you for the video cameras. Kudos for you reaching out and getting a therapist for your baby.
It’s never about the kids….it’s always about the ‘fight’ for them.
It is exhausting….it’s emotional drain…..but being a mother…you’ll find a way to protect your daughter….PERIOD!
We just keep going.
I’m sending mojo your way darlen…..no matter what……do what is right for your daughter!!!!