Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Mommy ~
My heart and prayers are with you and your little girl. I want to commend you, you are doing everything right.
I assume the 730 evaluation is done by a forensic psychologist, push hard for this, even if you have to pay for it by yourself. These people are the most qualified in getting the big picture. Most courts put great trust in their recommendations. In most states the child’s own psychologist can only testify to what she sees in your daughter’s reactions, but cannot make a recommendation regarding custody/visitation.
If she is sick, you may want to take her to the pediatrician and get a note stating she is sick and should remain at home.
Stay strong and you are so right, it is not about the child, it is all about getting back at you.
Mommy ~
Another afterthought and I am sure you have already thought to bring this up – If you feel she is potty trained and the school accepted her – why does Dad say she is not? If he feels this way, she must soil herself when with him. This is definitely then an emotional issue when she is with him, and should be considered a “red flag”.
Just something to bring up to anyone that will listen.
Again, prayers are with you.
Thank you all for your insight. I’m giving you bits and pieces of information, as to not overwhelm you with pages and pages. I have been on this site less than 24 hrs and I am so grateful that I found you all.
In every court document my ex states he’s unemployed, and lives with his parents. When I met him according to him, his parents were living in his home. That was one of his many lies.
Originally we had a modified custody evaluation and the court ordered supervised visitation with his parents as monitors as a result of the CCI investigation. That was 3 years ago, and I had a lot less information about him then. After about a year and with his constant manipulation the judge agreed to allow him more time with our daughter. Prior to this I had hired several attorneys’ that couldn’t handle him, and then I decided to represent myself, partly because I ran out of funds to pay for an attorney. I agreed to 50/50, I was worn out I just wanted to make it work for Faith. I figured if I let him have what he wanted, it would make the co-parenting between us better”what a huge mistake! The first thing he did was file his own case with child support services expecting support from me, and then he filed another OSC few months later wanting full custody. In his declaration he’s accused me of everything from having a “secret lifestyle” to sexual abuse to neglect”etc. He has used the sexual abuse card so many times that thankfully CPS doesn’t believe him anymore. Up until this point, I felt I had a good working relationship with his parents, until I realized that they are now on board with their son collectively trying to take faith away from me. That’s why I made the comment in an earlier note that I feel they are just like him. It’s all so insane. I could understand if I were unstable, or if I ever put our child in danger, or had a secret lifestyle, but I don’t and it’s so far from the truth. In one of his OSC, he’s accused me of over 20 contempt’s of court, and because of his delusion thinks it would be in Faith’s best interest to be away from me for about a year and half until I get my life straight, and that both he and his parents are better suited to raise Faith. When Faith is with them, she infantilized. It’s as if Grandma wants another baby. They don’t want her in preschool because they feel Faith’s grandmother is the best one to teach her. When Faith is there she stays in diapers, and sleeps in the same bed with grandma. It’s all about the control.
So the working relationship I thought I had with his parents is no longer there, and now I am fighting against all of them.
They don’t realize that I have lots of new information about him. Every once in a while I look on the court web page to see if there are any new cases against him. I recently found an ex-girlfriend who took him to small claims court. I met with her and she was extremely helpful in sharing with me what Ed had been doing over the past 2 years. She’s willing to also testify in court. According to this new woman who he met while we were still married, he spent very little time with his daughter. He ended up moving in with her, and she has information as to his behavior over a 2 year period, including his continued alcohol abuse, and very bizarre behavior, disappearing for hours in the middle of the night. She also told me that she later found out he’s involved in an underground sex deviant group. He also told her he was awarded full custody of Faith because the court found me to be an unfit mother. One of the scariest things was last Christmas Eve she invited him to go with her to her family’s home. He decided to stay home and when she got back, he was downstairs intoxicated, she noticed on the bed upstairs were handwritten notes, journal entries that he wrote of a fictitious evening with his daughter for Christmas Eve. She confronted him about it and she said he ignored her. She broke the relationship off after that incident.
I am holding onto the hope that the Judge will order a 730 that will be conducted by a forensic psychologist; considering all of the new information we have I’m hoping he or she will see right through him.
Just one small step forward in the process.
In the meantime, she goes back today :-((
mommy,
You are doing great. Really smart stuff. Just a quick warning: don’t trust anyone. The girlfriend could turn back to him at any time. They are very slippery and stealthy. They can connive and convince anyone. He was obviously making up stories – as they all do – about christmas eve. Their stories are so unbelievable that nobody would doubt their veracity, because WHO would make up stuff like that? A SPATH WOULD!
That is how he keeps the parents wrapped around his finger. If he finds out that his gf is talking to you, he will turn around and love bomb her so irresistably and then turn her on you again. Be stealthy, see if you can get her testimony on camera, so she can’t change her mind – but do it nicely…
I hate to sound paranoid but I’ve learned that when it comes to spaths, they infect EVERYONE.
I am trying to remain calm after what transpired this morning, and could use some help. My little one was sick with high fever over the weekend, and was scheduled to transfer back to dad yesterday. She was feeling a little better in the morning, but toward the afternoon her fever spiked to about 101. Her dad arrived at 4pm and as usual, she refused to go with him so I walked her out to the car and handed her over to grandma.
This morning I got a call from Blue Shield requesting authorization for doctor visit for Faith. Routinely, when she’s in his custody, I call every day to say hi. Of course when she’s with me, he NEVER calls to say hi or check on his daughter. This morning when I called to find out what was wrong, they refused to allow me to speak with Faith, and refused to give me information as to her condition. They kept saying, “we are not doctors, so we can’t give you any information”.
I set up the doctor appt today for them because collectively they have no clue who to call and make the appointment with, even though I have always provided them with doctor and insurance information. This morning they complained that the doctor’s number was disconnected, which of course was not true.
right after I hung up with them, I called the Sheriff dept and requested a “well check” and am now documenting what happened.
Bottom line they are refusing me access to my daughter, and I’m trying to remain calm, yet I am so angry, and so worried about my daughter. I should have never let her go yesterday!
I don’t know what else to do.
Do you know if they are going to keep the doctor appointment that you made? Could you just show up at the doctor appointment? Seeing there is 50/50 custody, you should have legal right to be there also.
You did absolutely the right thing with requesting a “well check” and ofcourse documentation is extremely important. When you hear back from Sheriff’s Dept., decide what next step should be taken.
If you find that they are taking her to a different doctor, other than the one you made the appointment, demand the name and address and appointment time.
This is sounds like it may be a set-up – please try to have witnesses or audio tape and try very hard not to loose your cool. I know, easier said than done, but important.
Stay strong !!!
Dear Mommy,
I am so sorry you and your daughter are going through this horror. Hang in there and keep on fighting. I think Milo’s comment above is very good. I know this stuff and the worry and stress “make you crazy” but you must keep up the SANITY pretense at least in front of the cops and the law or it will be used against you big time. ((((hugs))) you can do it, you are stronger than you know! You are in my prayers.
Hi Oxy,
I need a shoulder, pls humor me.
I started to date this man who’s very nice. Told my D, as I hate to lie about where I’m going or why I get home later than normal (i.e. I never went out before).
I didn’t tell D not to tell him as I think that’s unfair. I don’t think she will. She’s cool about this.
BUT a nagging fear that he’ll find out and then “punish” me or retaliate or get more vengeful in divorce is getting me paranoid.
Do I say, screw him, he doesn’t have a say in MY life and whom I see or not see; I am not going to walk on eggshells worrying about how he might feel even as I’m divorcing him; I have to cut the emotinal tie of guilt or feeling that I’m betraying him to see another man before the ink is dry yet–well there is no ink yet.
What’s a woman to do? I feel like I don’t want to put off the dating till after divorce as I have no control over that process and it’s dragged 2+ yrs already and I’ve patiently waited already. And who’s to say HE isn’t seeing someone too. . .
Pls help me see what I’m not seeing in this tangled knot?
Thank you.
OX please email me I lost your addy…henry
Dear Dancingwarriior,
To date? or not to date? that is the question. (sorry for the bad pun! LOL)
It is likely that he will find out that you are dating unless you do it on the sneak, and it WILL pith him off I don’t need a crystal ball to predict that.
What I do question is though, with all the stress you have had in your life and are still having, do you really have enough energy to try to invest into a new relationship–especially while still legally tangled with HIM? I also predict that if he gets wind of the dating, he will delay delay delay the decree (he may do that anyway) so my question is an answer to your question? Do you think that you really have enough energy left while all this is going on to invest in another relationship?