Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Dancing and Oxy,
those questions raised by Oxy are very valid. It all depends on your choice of dates, I guess. If they are good, they will give you energy. If they are bad, they will deplete you. You will know soon enough.
Your question, though, is different from that. You are asking how you can date without consequences from the DEVIL.
The only answer I can come up with is : LIE to the DEVIL.
I think part of our problem is that we try to apply the rules of good manners and conscience to our interaciton with THE DEVIL. Life is not so simple. If it was we wouldn’t have met a spath and be here on LF trying to figure it out.
The only other answer is to tell the truth to THE DEVIL and let God sort it out in heaven. It all depends on where you are at in the continuum. But if you were that far along, I don’t think you would be dating, you would just be meditating with the Dalai Lama.
This is now the second day that Ed is refusing to allow me to speak with Faith. He’s ignored my emails and is refusing to give me any information regarding her doctor visit yesterday. I spoke with the pediatrician last night and she specifically said she gave information to Ed to give to me. I called again this morning, Faith’s grandmother hung up on me once, and when I called back he answered and said she was sick and unavailable to speak with me, then hung up on me.
Is there anything else I can do, or do I just have to put up with this?
mommy,
how is your relationship with the pediatrician?
Perhaps it’s time to get her on your side. Though it may be too late, spaths brown nose authorities and it would probably be one of the first thngs that Ed would do : slander you to the pediatrician. Try to get more info from her. Like, who brought Faith in and what was her diagnosis.
Mommy,
I think it is time to contact your attorney. Also, get out your custody agreement and see if anything like this is covered in there. If not, there should be.
I agree with skylar, your pediatrician may have been told lies, however I think she is legally obligated to give you a diagnosis.
The doctor Faith saw yesterday is not her regular pediatrician. She did call me last night and gave me information over the phone about her condition, and was disappointed that her dad had not informed me.
Good news is he has burned his bridge at that office, as a few years ago he tried to get Faith’s doctor to side with him that I was abusing her. Yesterday was the 2nd time he has ever taken her to any doctor appt. He truly has no interest in her, other than to use her to hurt me. He knows its killing me that he’s refusing me access to her. I am remaining calm on the outside, yet inside I’m dying.
We have another hearing this Friday, where hopefully the judge will appoint a 730 evaluator. I have forwarded this information to my attorney and hope this new stunt of his will only make the judges decision to appoint a forensic psycologist easier. I also just hired a PI today to follow him.
I am a hospice nurse, and my fiancé is a doctor. We both have close relationships with many physicians in the area, including Faith’s doctor; they know he’s a nut case.
Dear Mommy,
I know it must be very painful for you to have to deal with this psychopath who is using your daughter as a club to bash you over the head with, not caring that she is the one who suffers the most.
I’m a retired advanced practice nurse and I have seen this sort of thing with many couples and co-parenting with a psychopath must be pure hell on earth!
If you have not gone to Dr. Liane Leedom’s site, “raising the at risk child” I suggest that you do. Dr. Leedom is parenting her son by her psychopathic ex husband and there is great support there and information on her site! Good luck and keep strong! I hope your attorney can help you limit this man’s contact with your daughter! (((Hugs))) and God bless.
Thank you so much for the suggestion, and support. I will go on her site today.
I have a lot to my story but am looking for help.
PLEASE, read my story, its 12 years worth summed up as short as I could but I need help from you who have gone through it, please someone help me, after reading this tell me, does my pervert husband sound like a sociopath, porn addict, pedophile? Or am I just crazy like he makes me think?
My husband and I separating over a losing battle that started with porn and turned into things like, incest, hentai porn that depicts young children being raped or engaging in sex, young japanese girls being raped, forced, humiliated or raped by tentacle monsters. He justifies what he looked for with (it’s not real) so that must make it ok. He has no guilt, remorse or shame for it and denies he is masturbating to little kids.
Early on it wasn’t just porn but the constant lying, being caught, me leaving, him begging for me back telling me no one could ever love me like he does. That we were meant to be together, that he would stop. He has continuously hurt me with porn. At first I never minded porn, I didn’t mind him looking, I didn’t mind watching it with him but it would just be watched like any ol movie, he never reached for me or tried to make it sex but we were still both young, awkward and hadnt done that with type of stuff so it was embarrassing. His eyes couldn’t turn from the screen, they got bigger and intense. Like I wasn’t even there, or else the other reaction to watching together was he didn’t take the porn serious with me there and would point out every little thing and we’d laugh it off.
Well at some point he started hiding it from me, it got more and more. Every time I found it hidden I was so sad, sad that he didnt want me, sad that he didnt want to involve me, sad that he felt the need to hide from me. Why couldn’t he just be real with me, was what I thought.
He knew I wanted him. It’s not like he was denied or I’m a prude, the opposite. I tried all angles, I tried giving him sex all the time to try and make up for not being enough for him and he didn’t respond like I thought. Yet he would, at times choose to masturbate 3 or more times a day to porn but couldnt have me once or twice a day even if I did all the work or just gave him oral. I tried acting like I didn’t want him (thinking I was being too clingy and it was turning him off). Different and new sex, I was always willing to try something new if it made him happy but it still wasn’t enough, he always went back to the porn.
Our fight previous to this one I’m about to tell you about came with an ultimatum, your family or the porn because he was hurting me so much with it, I had slightly damaged self confidence that he knew about and this only worsened it over the years.
So two years ago we had a big fight about the porn. I found out every single night, as soon as I stepped out the door for my 3rd shift job, he was at the porn for an ongoing amount of time. In the morning (me getting out of work) he would wait until I went to sleep and be right at the porn again. I couldn’t even believe this because he had told me he wouldn’t be doing it anymore and that I was enough for him, the porn meant nothing.
He has made me feel so ugly and so small and hate myself so much that I wasn’t enough, that just the simple fact that what he was doing hurt me, couldn’t be enough reason for him not to do it, (after all it meant less than nothing to him) so he said. Which made me feel even smaller. He couldn’t give up what meant less than nothing to save us?
Well, apparently the ultimatum meant nothing to him and he was willing to take the chance and call my bluff. I wasn’t going to leave him. I was totally dependent on him and thought he loved me and thought I loved him, I loved who I thought he was.
We got together when I was 13, he was 19. He didnt know my age, I didnt know his, we met at a friends and I was fully developed so he wouldnt have known my age by looks. After finding out ages maybe a month later, I thought I was in love so to me it didnt matter, to him he probably really should have backed off but he said he was also in love and that time stood still when he met me.
We supposedly lost our virginity together one night. ( I always doubted his virginity). I got drunk (he was not drinking), he drove us to the woods. He later reassured me he used a condom but It’s a blank to me (he admitted 3 years later he did not use a condom and did not pull out), I have no idea of what happened other than he said I started crying and yelling at him not to rape me. He said he was confused because he wasn’t raping me, I knew I was drunk that night and embarrassed that I would say that because I did want him but I also couldn’t remember the situation at all.
I found out a month and a 1/2 later I was pregnant. Scared, confused, and thinking it was a miracle and meant to be because we had used a condom, I agreed to marry him when I turned 16. He was such a sweet guy, charm and intelligence and the love he showed me was like nothing I had ever received from my broken, and abused family home. He was my hero.
Our relationship went up and down as expected given our ages. Either the day we got married or the day before I remember almost leaving him, but cant remember what it was about. I remember we broke up once back then because he grabbed my wrist and was twisting it and his mom came out and yelled at him for hurting me and he ended up pushing her down, I called the police on him, he accused me of betraying him for that and left me for a few weeks over it. Slept in some lesbians bed I guess “so he said” who really knows.
I accidentally hit him in the testicles one day when we were messing around and he used to grapple (like wrestling), he grabbed my leg and almost broke it, said it was out of reflex.
He pretended to be punching me in the face, one day, while driving, thinking it was funny only he “accidentally” did hit me. Said sorry over and over and I laughed it off then.
We lived with family for the first 1/2 of our relationship. He was able to finish school, I dropped out, He went to college to be a dental assistant, I started for CNA and dropped out partly so he could go to his college because our classes were colliding and his class seemed more important. Well he kept a D.A. job maybe 6 months before he stupidly dislocated his knee cap when he was hanging out with friends when he was supposed to be coming home. He put in applications for a while and then gave up all together.
I never got my license because to him it would make our car insurance too high. I’m 25 and dont have a license. I rely on him to take me everywhere. Most of our relationship I didnt work, partly because I was too young to get a job, even though I had a baby, then no ged, no license, all barriers in my way.
So back to the 2yr ago fight, I left him over the porn and he tried to commit suicide. I felt awful about it and didn’t want to lose him that way so I took him back. I wanted our kids to have a father and didn’t want them coming from a broken home. I figured well, he will never leave me, he loves me, treats me right most of the time, he was physical a couple times, he blamed me for one of the times saying I was trying to steal his car, like it’s justified. (which wasn’t his car btw, my sister sold it to us) He punched me in the head (left ear) 2 times and left me deaf in that ear for over a week. He was arrested and gone for 3 months, we talked, I knew it was not like him and it was just a in the moment out of control thing. He went to anger management and we worked it out.
We had fought because I found friends and a life and was getting attention so that meant I was cheating. I wasn’t, I did eventually with my best friend who I grew close to. I cheated because I got very unhappy and he wouldn’t let me leave him. I thought cheating on him would end it for sure but it didnt, instead he has used that against me in every single fight when he is in the wrong. He kept telling me I was bi-polar or crazy. If I was going to go out with a friend he got all mopey yet if I was here he ignored me and played video games.
I cut all ties with my friends because of the way he acted, it made him so sad and he was so insecure and I knew it hurt him, so unlike him with the porn, I gave it up. Gave up my friends for 2 years and that brings us to now.
We are from MI, we both lost our jobs and for the last 2 years restored the love, honesty, and trust we had lost before. I kept a keylogger on the computer for a while and other spy things without him knowing to watch him at first, I couldn’t trust him. It appeared like he wasn’t doing anything, I would even ask him and he would be all proud and then accept my love and appreciation to him for stopping.
He was able to find work again and one day reaching up on a high shelf (im short and have spinal arthritis) I moved some things and found his stash. I was furious. I didn’t talk to him for a while. I wasn’t sure how to bring it up. He let me believe the last 2 years it was all about me, I was all he wanted, I was his fantasy, I was all he needed. This is when he used the words “it meant less than nothing to me” he destroyed me with that. I felt like the last 2 years of US was a lie. It was, wasn’t it? He was deceiving me the whole time when I gave up everything, real people, he couldnt give up porn.
I decided I had given up everything for us, could I really let porn ruin us, so I compromised with him instead of leaving him. I said ok, how about if you just dont hide it from me, pick a day of the week that you want, tell me and we will make it about us. I would even let him blindfold me and give him oral if he wanted. So we ended up watching it together.
He said he didnt know what to search for so it was awkward. I told him to search for what he would normally like I wasn’t here, well he did, and he also made the part about me not being there OBVIOUS, he didnt even look at me, pull me to him, nothing. Just found something and masturbated. The something he found was interesting (live action tentacle rape)
The second time, same thing only this time I acted. I moved to him and gave oral, again it was rape or girls being forced that he had to watch, usually from japan because its more real and sometimes is real.
The 3rd time, he searched for teens. It was a cartoon but still teens. Teen titans (a cartoon for kids) that he found porn of. I left the room. He came asked what was wrong and I said “they are kids”, he said “it’s a cartoon its not real”, “can I go finish” I couldn’t believe he asked that! Worse yet, we watched the teen titans series WITH our daughters when it was on tv. Why would he want to look at something like that? I was suspicious but still didnt think much of it.
I tried to understand him. All I was asking for was honesty. What I had THOUGHT, (because he said) was that he had some rape and control fantasies that could be fulfilled with the porn. I started noticing the porn he had looked at in the past, not just that it was there and he looked, I started going to what he was looking at, at first out of curiosity thinking I could learn something and please him better. It was a lot of women being forced, raped, humiliated and I even tried to get into it with him because it was fantasy and he told me he would never actually rape anyone because he knows there are severe consequences.
One day when he was gone I checked the other side of the shelf I found his porn on and while looking found 2 pairs of our kids panties wadded up underneath clean folded blankets in the back corner, I was like, what thats weird why are these here and threw them in the laundry room. Later that day I started thinking about it and it made no sense that their panties would be wadded up in a ball, 2 pairs, and stuffed under blankets in the back corner, on a top shelf of the hallway closet (next to our room). So I went to the laundry room and looked at them. 1 pair looked clean and another pair looked dirty, like splattered with a light colored substance dirty? They were white and the substance was off white so I decided to wash them to see for sure if they were dirty panties or clean ones that accidentally got mixed in with the blankets somehow. The white panties came out clean. My heart DROPPED as thoughts started coming together. I didn’t want to think the things I was thinking but every responsible and loving parent would question this. We are the only people here, I didn’t put them there….and if I didn’t that left my porn obsessed husband who had just been searching teens.
I went back to the spy things I had on my computer to look through the history. 3 months ago he was searching for panties and teenagers, 16-17, and searched for and masturbated to (type in Dragon Ball GT Pan) with safe search ON to see what she looks like…..yep thats what he went to. She resembles a 8-10yr old child. He did that search more than once. There was also the incest, and I’m sure much much more. It would take days to search through everything picking out things. I had as much as I needed to know. Why did I skim over this stuff before? Why didn’t I see it? Why didn’t I see it yrs ago when I would check up on him? It’s because I wasn’t looking for that, I couldnt imagine he would like things like that.
So I confronted him on the panties. It was extremely hard because he was my partner in PROTECTING our kids from people like that, he wouldn’t look at let alone act on something like that. He was outraged as anyone would be but instead of being concerned with how or why the panties got there he was just so angry that I could accuse him. So to him, I dropped it, I honestly dont think he would hurt our kids at all, but I have to accept that anyone could. Anyone could do it. You have to suspect EVERYONE when it comes to your kids. I dont believe our daughters would stuff their underwear in a ball up high behind some stuff… So this has been on my mind.
I came to the conclusion he must be a porn addict, I talked about it to him and as soon as he saw a glimmer of hope for saving us he jumped on board. He admitted to being a porn addict, but not to anyone but me, not even to himself because I now know he still thinks there is nothing wrong with what he’s done because he keeps trying to justify it.
So I forgave him again but didnt take him back this time feeling sorry and bad for him that he was mentally ill and I had treated him like crap for years over it, left him over it. He was sick, and could get better because he said he wanted to (only if it meant saving us) and even then…nope. He hasn’t gotten any help at all and its been weeks since this.
If he was just a porn addict, it made sense that he turned to more disturbing images (even young girls/kids) to masturbate to because thats what porn addicts have to do to keep getting something out of it. So thats what I told myself to excuse his behavior….to make it seem somehow less bad.
I told him if he got help for himself (not to save us) that I may consider giving our marriage another go but he needed to do it because HE knew it was wrong, not because I told him it was. He seemed to agree except that he has done NOTHING to get help. Even me, here I am, I left him and I’m still looking for help, resources, information every day. All day sometimes. He looked for 45 minutes about porn addicts in the last 3 or more weeks…thats it, but he could spend hours looking at porn.
He keeps saying I’m doing this, I’m ruining our family, I’m hurting our kids, I get off on causing pain. Yesterday we got into a loud fight, normally we always talk our fights out (part of anger management) but this time anger took over.
I heard him talking to his friend about it all. He tells him only 1/2 truths, I listened to him justify and rationalize the things hes masturbated to (the things he admitted to), to his friend, after he admitted to me he thought it was wrong and needed help… 😐
so OBVIOUSLY he doesn’t think it’s wrong, which I’m seeing more and more. So I am leaving for good and I believe my Husband is a sociopath.I was not going to let him blame ME anymore for what HE has done to US. I wasn’t going to be bullied and I was PISSED and hurt that he still hasnt made any effort for help yet keeps telling me he loves me and wants to stay a family.
All the while he’s still forcing himself on me, that came up in our fight when he said I get off on causing pain, I got right up into his face (probably not a good idea because he has been physical before) but I was not scared I was furious that he is putting this on me, I yelled an inch away from his face “I LIKE CAUSING PAIN? YOU’RE THE ONE WHOS STILL TRYING TO FUCK ME WHEN I DONT WANT YOU. I LEFT YOU! WE’RE NOT TOGETHER ANYMORE, I DON’T WANT YOU!!! YOU MAKE ME SICK. YOU’RE NOT THE GUY I MARRIED! YOU’RE NOT HIM!”
If he tries to force himself on me again I will be the one getting physical and he will be in prison…I’m sure he’ll end up there one day anyways.
To the kids part which is what I need to know, I told him he wont be allowed to see the kids when we move in april. I told him I dont want money from him, I just want him to disappear as fast as he appeared into my life. If it were only porn and not different types of kid porn, cartoon or not, and the panties thing, I would let him see the kids, their dad means everything to them and they arent going to understand why Im not letting them see him, they will hate me for it at first, I know. How should I handle this, legally and emotionally, whats the best approach? I don’t even want to take the RISK of letting someone who can morally look at and get off to young girls and cartoon kids being raped and forced, be around my kids, and I especially dont want them with him alone. When I move on I know he will not get help and his mental problems will keep getting worse. So legally, how do I approach that?
Right now the kids know we arent together, Daddy hurt mommy and we cant be together is all they know. They dont know the part about theyre never going to see him again if I have anything to say about it.
I’ve spent my life trying to protect my kids. I was molested around the ages of 8 and 11 and almost raped at 12, all by close people.
The first I never told because he was my 1st cousin (6yrs older) and before he did that to me I loved him, we were friends, I looked up to him and he died a year later (hit by a car) as a kid I didnt know how to work out the feelings of being molested AND losing him too, so I never told. He did this when I was asleep and I woke up terrified and pretended to be sleeping until he stopped and about an hour later of my laying there stiff, I got up and asked to go home.
The second time I was with some older people (yes I was drinking at 11) I had it rough and we were exposed to a lot as kids, especially drunk, abusive men or sexually abusive men.
I was with people ages 15-25, after we all got drunk we decided where everyone was sleeping, most were on the floor including me and the guy who molested me, I was drunk and it took me back to being 8, I didnt know what to do, he thought I was asleep, so I pretended to be (this is the kind of stuff that turns my husband on, girls knowing its wrong but letting it happen because they are too terrified to move), anyway, luckily for me, 2 other people decided to have sex in the same room and as soon as he heard movement he freaked out, scooted away from me and pretended to be asleep too, I got up a few minutes later like I had just woken up and went to a different room. I found out the guys name but never saw him again and was embarrassed to call it being molested because so many of my friends were sexually active at the time
About 2 years later we had some new neighbors move in. They were a bunch of guys and they were all pot smokers and seemed cool so I started hanging out with them. We all became close, they were like brothers, brothers who I never asked their last names. One day someone said one of the guys full names and time stopped. I had become close to this guy. He was a nice guy, a family guy, he stuck up for me. He never knew it was me and I never told who did it.
SO, that is my story, I’m sure its a little jumbled but trying to remember almost 12 years is hard. By the way, our daughters are 7 and 11.
Dear When you’re strange,
Thank you so much for sharing your story and welcome to the site. I read with tears in my eyes at all the abuse you have suffered. Your husband is very abusive and sick, and I worry for the safety of your children, that maybe he has tried or succeeded at molesting them. I hope he has not, but either way, being around someone like him is very bad for them. I don’t throw the word “sociopath” around because it’s not always easy to diagnose that. But he sound like an abusive and sick person, no matter what he is. You did the right thing to get away from him, and I’m sure it was a very tough thing to do.
I think you need to find a good therapist to talk to about these things that have happened to you. It’s really difficult keeping that stuff inside. And maybe some other support in the community – a battered women’s shelter is a good place for finding resources. And of course, stick around here and read everything you can!
I cannot help you with the legal stuff, but I would document everything you can with times and dates. This is something that will probably help you down the line when fighting over custody.
It is not okay EVER for someone to hit you, even in joking. This is NOT something you should make excuses for. There are no excuses for what he did to you. I don’t care how much he apologized after. This is what abusers do.
The good news is that you are young and still have your whole life ahead of you. P.S. You came to a very caring place. The wonderful people here will help you every step of the way. This is a safe place to talk and get help.
Blessings,
Star