Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
I wonder how many marriages, relationships have been destroyed because of computer’s? Welcome to LF , when your strange. So sorry you are here. Hang around, more support will come your way, this place does not work like a chat room, sometimes it takes awhile but you will get some advice.
Strange………..
Your story is so heartbreaking and triggering I could not read through but half….
There is help for you here. Lots here that can and WILL help guide you through all of this….
My exP husband was highly addicted to porn. But he was so emotionally ill that I knew it wasn’t about me. I got out of the marriage, as he was violent too, only to find out years later, that he had molested my son….
I feel your pain.
LL
When you’re strange,
Your husband is not really a porn addict. He’s a pedophile. Your children are in danger and they always will be because he will always think of them as a source of supply.
I know that he is a pedophile because you told us that he had sex with a child: 13-year old YOU. I know you think he didn’t know how old you were but he did know you were a child. There is a huge difference between a 13 and a 19 year-old.
The porn got bad when you started to grow up. He isn’t interested in you anymore, you are too old. So he is using the porn as a substitute and your childrens’ panties are props. It’s only a matter of time and circumstances before he loses control and actually has sex with ANOTHER child, if he hasn’t already.
Strange, I speak from experience. I started dating a 20 year old man when I was 14. I lied to him for a year and told him that I was 15. But really what is the diff? I was a smallboned, thin child, I didn’t look “older”, I barely had breasts.
Anyway, when I turned 15 for real, I agreed to have sex with him. We dated for another year or so and he was 21 by then. Between 15 and 17 I dated a few men one was 39 and another was 28. The youngest was 17.
Then I met the exP when I was 17 and he was 28. first he lied about his age (as if I could care less). Then, when I turned 18 he started having two 12 year old girls visit him for sex while I was at work. I didn’t find that out until 25 years later.
By the time I was 25, he wouldn’t have sex with me unless it was orgies. I was getting too old. He even told me that once. It was a sociopathic tell, but I didn’t get it, I thought it was a joke. Oh and BTW, he did like to blindfold me too. -WTF?
Strange, you are lucky that you were so young because you have your whole life ahead of you. You need to go back to school and live up to your potential. Be glad you didn’t waste 25 years with a sociopath like I did.
You are also lucky that your spath is young because he is extra stupid. They get more devious and crafty with age. People say that socios don’t ever learn from their mistakes but they do. They also learn what works. They make a habit of testing our boundaries to see what they can get away with. Your socio is only going to get craftier with time. Get away from him while you have a chance.
Please stay here and read read read. Get books to help you understand and get therapy if you can. You have gone through hell and you are going to need lots of help, so get it whereever you can. This is an opportunity to make your life what it was meant to be.
((((hugs))))
I’m crying at your responses and touched that you took time to read my story, thank you so much. I will continue reading as much as I can, It’s 4 am and I have to be up at 7am for the kids school. ugh! I think I’m obsessed with finding answers.
Of 3 girls, I was the child who wanted to “break the cycle of abuse”. When I found out I was pregnant I swore I would take care of and protect my children no matter what, it didn’t matter that I was 14, I considered abortion but I didn’t believe in it, I considered my Aunt who cannot conceive because she was loving and always tried to get us out of the abuse, she took us in often, bought our school clothes etc. but then my spath started coming on super strong, he said he loved me for the first time about a week after we started seeing each other. He wanted to marry me within a couple weeks of knowing each other, he said so, that he wanted to make me his wife someday and asked me once we he knew I was pregnant or (trapped), It seemed like a fairy tale to me, he wanted to take care of me, love me, and keep me close…. or really…always feeling vulnerable and weak.
He babies me often the way he talks. If I say my spinal arthritis is hurting me, treats me like I’m a brittle old woman and made me feel I was, I grew dependent on that and eventually liked it,”liked that he took care of me so well” like it was something sweet he was saying like “oh my poor baby and coddling me” I didn’t get that from my parents, I got beat and almost killed a few times but not love, so any attention and affection would have won me over, but he was overly loving and affectionate for a few years, then it went away, came back again a year or two later and then it’s mostly been gone since.. (I’m left missing that constant hugging and affection) .
So, I would be married to this man who I thought was my life partner, I had to prove to the world and myself I could do it, everyone told us we would never last, I wanted so badly to prove them all wrong.
He has for the most part played the role of a good father, or at least one who is in the house. He doesn’t do much for them or with them. Usually he is on the xbox 360 when hes not at work, there’s always some new game coming out he has to get.
He always has to be distracted, he had ADD as a child, was told he doesn’t anymore when he was in the mental hospital and talked to the therapist (although he still uses it as his excuse for snapping at our children just for talking if hes playing his game). This is the same therapist who supposedly told him I was bi-polar, wrongly diagnosed with depression and I had mania. That my wanting to have friends and a life and go out, or my wanting to leave him because i was unhappy, was all in my head because I was on the wrong medicine. I actually believed that. I feel so stupid.
The way my spath acted around me I thought he was disgusted as well at things involving young girls/older men or kids and rape. We watch Steve together very often, he knows how I respond, and he seemed to respond the same way to the sickos on that show.
When seeking advice from his friend, he said for an example ” i typed in 16yr old girls and was just looking at google images, it was a blip, I couldn’t think what else to do.” He didn’t say that he had safe search turned off, there were pictures of teens and he masturbated to them. Or that he also searched for teens forced into prostitution or forced incest situations. He said with the incest that he never thought it was real and it was just a way to look for free porn…. riiight….. with Pan, the 8-10yr old cartoon character he masturbated to more than once, he told his friend that he wasn’t looking just for that it was everyone from that cartoon doing everyone, He didn’t tell him that he searched directly for that little girl and masturbated to pictures of her being raped (Just some examples of his 1/2 truths)
I feel I am growing stronger the more I learn, at least now I am finding out the “why” I always wanted to know why. Why, why, WHY? Well, getting answers honestly does make me feel better and I can walk away from this marriage knowing I truly gave my all, it was him who fell short and it can most likely never be fixed because they say adult spaths cant change. I feel like he is on the low to mid level (if there are levels) of being a sociopath or psychopath. I stupidly have hope that, if he sought out help, it could still work out for us… He’s 30, is he set in his ways? I know it cant work out for us but my stupid mind wont accept it as a truth or a fact. It makes me sick to think I can still fantasize about a future with him, knowing what turns him on.
He has between 1-3 friends, and has always been pretty antisocial. I like to be around groups of people, he hated it. He acted uncomfortable. He also hates going anywhere, the store, the fair, anywhere there’s a lot of people. Other than the sick things I already told you hes into, he is into violent, fighting or horror movies. I cant even watch a show with him because it sicks me out knowing hes probably having some sick fantasy and getting an erection, I’ve seen him with one before, one of the recent episodes of Spartacus the series, a virgin slave girl was forced to be with the most disgusting pig there, My spath had an erection from that. 😐
This last 3 days I have been losing my hair and don’t know what I can do about that, hair loss isn’t in my family so I know its the stress. We have to live together until April so I have to keep living this every day and watching how he works now that I know what to look for, his pouty behavior, blaming me for this, telling the kids i said i thought he was a monster (I haven’t told them anything bad about him, just that he hurt me and we cant be together), no sense of guilt for hurting me, he has cried maybe 3 or 4 times since this has happened in front of me, probably just to get me going, meanwhile I cry every single day periodically throughout the day and uncontrollably. I’m constantly having to walk out of the room. I cant face him or my children without tearing up. I don’t want the kids to see so I hide in my room closed off. I feel like a worthless mother. I haven’t helped with homework lately, cleaned the house in a few days, made dinner for the kids, I keep asking my 11 yr old to “find something you can make for you and your sister for dinner please” Because I can’t even look in the cupboards, I am drained, dehydrated, lethargic, I’ve lost 20lbs in 3 weeks, I find myself getting short tempered and being too distracted to focus and getting upset about it and crying, like I am now. I’m just bawling uncontrollable and can barely see the keyboard. How do I turn it off? I don’t have much money, I do have health insurance, what do I do?
Again, thank you so much for reading my long story.
Strange, Why do you have to stay with him till April? Isn’t there somewhere you can go? What about a battered women’s shelter? They will have resources for you. I’m really afraid for you and your children if you stay there. Pedophiles can sometimes be the nicest people and act completely normal at times. That doesn’t mean they are not still monsters. It sounds like a really really bad situation. You need to get out and get some help, honey.
There is no such thing as an incest survivor, just victim’s, scard for life. You must do the right thing and save your children now. If he molest the kid’s and you know what you know now you could be held accountable.
My sister took her own life because she was never able to undo the damage caused by my father. My mother sat back and ignored what was going on, she should be in prison or worse.
Sexual abuse comes in all forms, your husband may destroy their live’s and never actually have sex with them. but what he is doing to their minds and yours is sick.
Strange, I read your story at 7 this morning, and it’s taken me this long to assimilate it and decide what I wanted to say.
First of all, we are not experts, so we aren’t qualified to diagnose anybody. Most of us assume, from our personal experience that we have been dealing with a sociopath. Whether your husband is one, or isn’t, is for you to decide. Read as much as you can on the subject.
What is clear is that he has an addiction to pornography. The pedophilic aspect of this is really creepy!!!
First and formost you need to protect your children. That means getting out of denial. You need to find a safe place to go and get away from him. Secondly, you need to get some expert advise. You have health insurance…good. Find a professional. My advise would be an expert in porn addiction and co-dependancy.
Quit focussing on him and his addiction, and learn about yourself. Hell, you’ve been suffering from childhood sexual abuse ssince you were your daughters age. In silence. You may not understand this, but it’s a perfect set-up for you to be in this relationship, now. You certainly wouldn’t want to pass this legacy on to your daughters!
I know there is hope for porn addicts, they can recover. But, the kiddy porn aspect is what concerns me. Don’t know about that, but I’m sure a profeessional would know. You might find that after you work on yourself a while, you don’t give a hoot about him anymore.
I understand being totally dependant on someone. You have never had a chance to grow up. Not really. You’ve been leaning on this guy since you were 13…of course you’re dependant….and that’s so scarey, cause how can you make it without him? I’ve been there. But you have to take that first step, and tell somebody. Ask for help. It is out there.
Read as much as you can about co-dependancy, too. Try the 12 steps. Remember, his addiction to porn has nothing to do with you. You didn’t cause it! You can’t control it! You can’t cure it!
All you can do is look after yourself and those kids.
Please make an apt. Today.
Strange,
I’m going to share something with you in hopes that this will really get your butt in gear.
I married my exP when I was twenty, had our first child (we have six) at nineteen. I was with him for 20 years!! He was violent, abusive, alcoholic and drug addicted. Perhaps yours is NOT, but when it comes down to the LIVES OF YOUR CHILDREN, NOTHING else matters!!! You can grieve and cry all you want, but do it somewhere else AWAY FROM THIS MAN THAT IS SAFE!!!
Hens is right. If they have already endured ANY sexual contact at all by this man and you remotely SUSPECT that he’s doing it, YOU are held liable. There is not a women’s shelter on the planet that wouldn’t take you in RIGHT NOW, given your situation.
Having said that, this is what COULD happen if you don’t pick yourself up and get your kids out of there: My exP, I found out MANY years later, molested my son while I was going to college at night!!! My son suffered GREATLY!! He was also anally raped by a guy who was the babysitter for one of his childhood friends and my son just happened to be spending the night there. THe friend outted the guy as what happened to BOTH of them and now this bastard sits in PRISON. Unfortunately, there is no “proof” that my exP did this to my son, even while my son told neighbors MANY years ago what was going on, I HAD NO CLUE!!! He did a lot of abusive things, but I NEVER thought he’d ever molest my children. I wholeheartedly believe that as a result of that rape and my exP’s molestation, my son became a juvenile SEX OFFENDER!!!!! He has been through treatment and it was successful, but I can guarantee you that had I NOT made the efforts to remove my son from my home (he molested his younger brother), as soon as I found out about what was going on, he’d probably STILL be doing it!!!
But if I had known this was going on when I was still with exP or even suspected it, I would have been so gone, it’d make your head spin!!! Instead, he beat my son up. That was it. Out the door. Done finished.
You need to try very hard to pull yourself together for those kids and get out of there!!!! Even if you have no proof he’s actually molesting them, it doesn’t matter. Being suspect is enough!!
I think Kim’s advice is wonderful. Contact someone right away. Now is NOT the time to question your “suspicions” (Ie: GUT), but to act on it!!
Hang in there!
LL
Dear Strange,
I realize this is a scary time—sometimes it is easier to deal with the devil we KNOW, better than the devil we don’t know….but there are SHELTERS for domestic violence and you and your children in my opinion need one NOW. Pedophiles are, according to what little I know personally and professionally are NOT rehabilitatable and most of them I think are full blown psychopaths.
You feel dependent on him, as you never learned to drive, and you have become dependent on him, but that doesn’t mean you have to STAY dependent on him. He wants you dependent so he can CONTROL you. It is all about control. You have been controlled by someone else your entire life, and you are starting to WAKE UP sort of like “sleeping beauty”—not your fault you have slept through your childhood in a nightmare, but it is TIME TO WAKE UP AND PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN….call a domestic violence shelter and get out of there now! Life without him will be difficult, but NOT NEARLY AS BAD AS IT IS NOW! God bless you and your children and protect you all.
Strange…..
I was married to a sick sociopath for 8 yrs and finally divorced him with 2,3, and 4 yr old daughters. I am writing a book right now about my life, before, during and after my involvement with him.
I was EXACTLY where you are now, back in 2001 until my divorce in 2002. I lost 50 lbs in six weeks…(when he saw me he wanted me bad….creep)But, I was ready to get him FAR away from us.
I looked at a “room” in a shelter home and it looked great to me! Thats how badly I wanted out. I had no money at all.
FFW>>> I got a job, bought my own home, raise 3 gifted and talented children ALONE. That was nine years ago.
I thank GOD that I struggled for years to raise them alone and I broke the abuse mold. He stopped paying support and left the state so we are losing our home…but, it doesn;t matter. My girls need to live in NYC now because they are all pursuing acting careers and are doing well with an agent that spotted them. So, we are planning a move now.
I had to see my therapist twice a week during my homeless time…and it wasn’t easy to raise my girls alone. I had some great support systems…good friends…and I was very resourceful and sought help that is so out there!!
You WILL survive and break the mold and …if I could grab myself up by the bootstraps and survive…anyone can. I was a mess.
Don’t live in FEAR. It will kill you….just move on and we will be here to support you.
HUGS 2b