Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
HLBRO,
You are a brave woman! A strong woman! My prayers for you! Thank you for sharing. You are an inspiration. (((hugs))))
I am completely new to this site. The first time I read some of these blogs it was as though a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I suddenly realised I was not alone after all.
I met the S 12 years ago, married him and had a child with him who is now 6 years old.
The S abandoned my son financially nearly 4 years ago. I stopped his access 6 months later when he started turning up drunk to collect my son for visits.
We are English but were living in Europe. The S went back to England 3 years ago but continued to turn up here on a regular basis to try to see my son.
I have held firm and not allowed access. He wont go to court here because he knows I have so much documented evidence against him that he will be well and truly exposed if he does. He will also not want to be ordered to pay maintenance.
However, I have suffered agonies of indecision and guilt regarding taking my son away from his father. Wondering and wondering if I have made the right decision.
I have though, haven’t I? I am so lucky to be in a position whereby I live in a different country from this vile creature. This is the thing that stops him coming after my son via the courts. If ever I were in the position of having to hand my son over to this man, knowing what could happen, I just wouldn’t be able to do it. What on earth gives anyone the right (judges, courts etc) to tell me, his mother, who I should and should not hand my most precious child over to?
Dear UK survivor,
Welcome to the blog. You are SO NOT ALONE!!!
I am the mother of a psychopath, and the daughter of one, but I am also the mother of other children and I can’t imagine having had to turn them over to a psychopath, knowing what I know now—yes, you are very fortunate that your X can’t get access to your child—it is tough on a kid growing up without their parent, BUT when their parent is a psychopath, it is even TOUGHER to grow up with them.
MY P-bio father also was out of the picture until I was grown, and I went to “get to know him” and boy what that a horrible experience that it took me 10 yrs to half way get over.
As your son gets to an age where he asks questions I would tell him the truth so that he will A) not be curious and B) so that he will know enough about Psychopaths that he will be “forewarned”
Dr. Leedom has a son who is also from her psychopathic x husband thre is a link here on this blog to it called “raising the at risk child” Since there are some hereditary links with psychopathic people, it might be a good idea for you to read it. My father is a psychopath and only 1 of his 4 biological children is I think one. I haven’t seen the 3 in years, but from what I understand 2 of the three are “fine.” The third one I ahve had only contact by reading things he has written on the internet, but it sure smells psychopathic.
My son got the “double whammy” with psychopathic genes on both sides, both grandfathers, and from my mother’s family as well as my p-bio dad’s so don’t despair that your son “is one” because it is not likely, but read and read and learn and learn and love your child and don’t feel the least bit guilty about keeping his father out of the picture. If your son wanted a pet viper or cobra you wouldn’t let him have one now would you? I wouldn’t let him have the human version of a poison reptile either. We know what the results would be don’t we—and we don’t even have a crystal ball! LOL Again welcome.
Thank you OxDrover.
My son had contact with his father until the age of 3. At that time he was just dreadful. He had massive temper tantrums, used foul language and used to physically attack me, kicking and biting. I have 2 older boys (19 and 15) from my first marriage and I never had any of that sort of trouble with them so i knew something was wrong. I hadn’t at that point worked out that his father was a Sociopath. The first 6 months of looking after him alone were a total nightmare, I wondered many times if I’d ever get through it. But I did and I now have a happy, loving, caring, considerate 6 year old running round the place. He sometimes still throws a tantrum, but it’s very short lived and he never, ever swears or behaves violently now. Hopefully, those first 3 years have been eradicated.
I have another question. The reason I have always allowed myself to be treated so appallingly is due to very, very low self esteem. This was caused by my upbringing. My mother was a hopeless mother. She and my father always put a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs and food on the table etc but there was no sign of any love or affection. I grew up believing myself to be an inconvenience to my mother in particular. This led me to try to find someone, anyone, to love me. Well, you can imagine the results!
I am estranged from my mother (my father is dead) and my brother because they blame me for getting myself into a mess by choosing unsuitable men. Their attitude is, ‘you’ve made your bed, lie in it’.
My question is this. Is it worth trying to get them to understand what happened with the S? I hid most of the stuff from them because I thought what was happening was my fault. I know how incredulous people become when you tell them your ex husband is a S though – they look at you as if you’re mad! So, is it worth the effort of trying to get them to understand? It’s not that I want a reconciliation with them. It’s just that I finally learned that I’m a really good person and a great Mum and that I didn’t deserve to be beaten, abused and mentally tortured for so many years and I feel like I want to say that to my mother and my brother. Or is it better to just let it go and move on?
Dear UK survivor,
I wish I knew the answer to your quesstion. I am also estranged from my mother as well, She is not a psychopath but she is so toxicly enabling to my P-son and because I am no longer enabling of him, she is really enraged with me. My son is in prison for murder, and mymother’s fondest wish was for him to come home and live with her before she dies. She is 79. When I FINALLY got out of denial and accepted the fact tht my son is a MONSTER and if he ever does get out he will be a danger to society, my mother freaked out. She had others in or connected to the family telling her what an Angel he was and how he had repented etc etc….all lies and to help him and them get mom’s money. I am my mother’s only child and my 2 biological and 1 adopted sons are her only grandchildren.
Even after my mother found out the horrible truth about my P-son in prison and his plot, his sister in law (the wife of son C) and her BF, a friend of my P-sons, an exconvict sex offender, pedophile, tried to kill son C and stole money from mom–thank goodness their plot failed and they were arrested. In any case, mom still paddles her little canoe on the river DENIAL…so I went NC with her as well except for the occasional business conversation I have to have with her.
It frankly was the smartest and best thing I ever did, until I realized how TOXIC her enabling of my psychopathic son was, I could never have healed. I kept trying to please her, to convince her, to get her to love me, ya da, ya da, ya da.
Now I realize that she will never quit enbling him, and that she is so twisted with her own dysfunctional enabling that essentially she is a “psychopath by proxy” doing his bidding, punishing me for not taking up the “family fun” of enabling hard core.
I felt guilty at first, but when I realized my mom was lying to me, gaslighting me, punishing me and DELIBERTATELY trying to hurt me, saying nasty things out of malice—sheesh, I need that like I need another P-son. Nope, peace is good. Why would I want ANY one in my life that does not have my best interest at heart? Does it make a difference if they gave birth to me, or I gave birth to them, if they don’t or aren’t able to love me; I NEED THEM FOR WHAT?
Yea, there are times I would like to “tell her off” but why, she wouldn’t get it at all, and it would only make me flow vitrol, and I am doing my best to get the bitterness out of my own heart and to be at peace. I am a good person. I am a strong person. I am an independent person. I am able to love. I do love, but I reserve the right to have relationships ONLY with those that love me back and care about me. Blood is NOT “thicker than water”—it just pours out on the ground when ANY one stabs you….no matter who they are.
Good for you in living through the trauma with your child through those horrible times after he was away from the Psychopath. I would still check in with Dr. Leedom’s parenting site, it really is a good one for ANY parent, not just those with “at risk” kids geneticly. My oldest son was ADHD, and not defiant, but you just had to keep him from climbing mountains and tress when he was smaller, the “good kid” was the one that turned out to be the psychopath when he hit puberty…go figure. My ADHD son is a great man, a heart as big as a swimming pool and very kind. Easily taken advantage of is his worst fault, but he’s working on that. My adopted son is a prince so I am blessed in spite of having one son who is a psycopath. The three of us have learned some valuable lessons and I no longer even want to tell my mother, or my P-son anything. I am just glad that they can’t hurt me any more, so I am moving on.
Each of us has to make our own decisons on that sort of thing depending on the situation, and our own desires, but for me, moving on is just the easier thing to do. Less hassle, less pain.
Dear OxDrover
You know, I agree with you on the mom thing. I already knew, deep down that there’s no point in contacting her and trying to make her understand and you’ve just confirmed that. If she had any real love for me in the first place, none of this would have happened. If she couldn’t love me then, she’s not going to suddenly start now is she?! Lol.
I have read some of Dr Leedom’s words regarding at risk children, but I will certainly study it in more depth. Your son, the one who turned out to be a psychopath, were there any signs before puberty or did it just suddenly happen?
Dear Uk Survivor,
The ONLY sign I saw before puberty was ONE episode in which he stole some money and checks at age 11, and traded them to another kid for a radio that he wanted and I couldn’t afford. When confronted by the other child, the other child’s parents, and the money and the checks, he still DENIED DENIED DENIED he had done it, even in the face of the evidence.
I paddled his behind for the denial and the lying, ( spanking was rarely used with him except for VERY serious things, like once when he was 3-4 and was climbing into a parked truck on the farm going after some guns that he KNEW NOT TO PLAY WITH, etc.) The night after the confrontation about the radio thing and the spanking, he ran away from home that night and we had to turn out the search and rescue to find him, and we did, he had walked miles in the dark. When I brought him home he looked me in the eye, totally determined and said “I’ll do it again and you can’t stop me, you can’t watch me 24 hours a day every day”
WOW! He was right and I knew it.
In fact, he was actually except for that one episode that I am aware of almost an “ideal” child, popular with the kids at school, teachers etc and did well in school, and seemed to want to please. When he hit puberty he started open definance and seemed to enjoy defying me and my husband, especially me. He seemed to bear me especial malice. Ieven checked with his brother to see if he knew of any earlier signs and he didn’t know of anything either. After kindergarden they were not particularly close but did share a room until Jr. High.
By 10th and 11th grades he was into criminal activities but not until he was 17 and a Senior was he actually caught. I turned him in is why he was caught then. He still bears a grudge against me for that 20+ yrs later and believes that that is the reason he is in prison now—though his last arrest was at age 20 for murder.
When he went to prison he was very arrogant and openly definant, now that he’s had 20 yrs in prison he is slicker with his manipulations and can quote the Bible and philosophy with the best of them. He is intellectually gifted and has taught himself to read and write Chinese, Japanese, Arabic and Spanish and has corresponded in Chinese with several Budust monks for years.
The letter of “remorse” her wrote to the parole board for his first parole hearing would bring tears to your eyes it was so well written. Oh, he’s a good one all right. But, like most Ps, he can’t communicate with one side of his brain with the other, and will contradict himself from time to time and actually NOT see it. One minute it is “But Mommmm, what would Jesus do?” the next it is a rageful look and “I”m proud of my crime, it is worse than the cops even know” Then immediately back to the “But mommmm, what would Jesus do?” DUH? Hare says that they know the “words” to emotions but because they can’t experience the emotions themselves, it is sort of like they know the words but not the tune.
I think of it as a color-blind person trying to teach you to paint pictures—they just don’t get it.
I am a retired mental health and medical professional so I have worked with various kiddies that were “p’s about to bloom” in in patient settings. Many were very hyperactive, but not all, and by age 10 some of them are quite dangerous and have no idea of consequences and do not fear consequences at all. You might as well be talking to a rock as one of these children as far as any effect on them.
My P son is not hyperactive. My ADHD son is not a P. (shrug shoulders) but Dr. L says that many times they are both ADHD and P. I bow to her greater experience and knowledge on that. I’ve also worked with a lot of ADHD kids in outpatient settings and the ones I dealt with were I didn’t think P-material, but a few were.
I hope for your and his sake that your child didn’t get the genes and environmental component that together make them what they are…but you can just do what you can do, and leave the rest in God’s hands. I wasn’t a perfect parent by any means, but I think over all Ii did a pretty good job considering that seven years of it was as a single parent, but I had lots of social supports and friends, male friends who were role models, my step father who was a role model, a good community etc. so it wasn’t just me agaiinst the world with my kids. We didn’t have a lot of money but we did have other things that I think were just as important for kids. My kids had horses and dogs and woods to roam, fishing poles and NO TV (not because we couldn’t afford it but because I wanted them outside learning to be kids.) I did provide private schools for both boys because of their intellectual gifts and also my older son’s ADHD, even though I had to borrow the money to do so, and I made a concerted effort to be a parent to them, not just “drag them up” but thought carefully about how I parented. After my divorce I took them to therapy for two years, so all in all, I think I did the best I could and it wasn’t lacking in too much if anything.
I don’t “blame myself” for my son’s behavior or where he is, I guess the worst “feeling” about it other than being crushed that he wasted his life and talents, was the “shame” I felt that other people would blame me and think I wasn’t a good parent. I kept his whereabouts secret (he is in prison in another state) except from close family intimates.
After his arrest for murder at age 20, I literally locked myself in my home and cried, walked the floor, and screamed for days and days, didn’t leave the house for 3 months. I guess actually I probalby should have been hospitalized, my grief was so profound and I felt so helpless. It would have been easier I thought if he was dead and the girl he killed was alive in prison. After his trial, and his attorney telling me what the EVIDENCE was (which was not a violation of client confidentality) I knew for certain that he was guilty beyond a shadow of a doubt. He hooked me in to his “repentence” act a few years ago, along with mother, and even his brothers, but once I saw that it was all a FAKE, I “buried” my child, and cut off the relationship with the MAN who is a stranger to me. He hasn’t lived with me since 1988, so he really hasn’t been part of my LIFE except in fantasy–but I built that fantasy up to where it was very important to me. Now that I know the truth, just like every one else on here, it is ALL A LIE, I can let go of it and I have.
Someone said once when you can think about it and not feel overwhelmed or sad you have healed, and I think I may be getting to that point.
No relationship on this earth with another human is “forever” and one way or another all relationships end. I’m reading a biography of Thomas Jefferson and his wife Martha, and how he became psychotic after her death. The sadness he felt at losing 4 of his 6 legitimate children, and I wonder how those people coped with so much loss, so many deaths of their children, but any time we have ANY relationship, death or some other separation can come between us at some point. WILL come between us, so loving and losing is a given, but if you don’t love you have nothing, so I love while I may, while my loved ones are here, and while I am here. I hold them close and enjoy their love and companionship because all of life is temporary and if we miss the good days worrying about the bad days or “what might happen” it’s a pretty miserable life.
Just love your son, hold him close, do the best you can and love him as long as you are able–whether one day or 100 years. From how you write I have a feeling you are a great mother, and a caring one, so I think you son is blessed with
a wonderful mom and seems to be doing well now, so thank God and just do the best you can….love him while he will still let you hug him! Oh, by the way, my two boys, one 38 and one 31 still let me hug them frequently, and unashamedly. LOL
I accidentally stumbled across this site while looking for something totally unrelated, and feel God brought me here for a reason. How I WISH I had found this site four years ago. It would have given me so much hope and encouragement that things could get better, as well as the knowledge that I was not the only idiot in the world to fall for someone like that. This was a hope that was in short supply for a long time.
I was married to a sociopath for 21 years – did not know it until he left, but my son informed me that his dad was a sociopath, so I read up, and sure enough, it explained my whole life. I just thought I was crazy, but it was him. Which is point number one. Your whole life feels like a crazy house, and you think it’s your fault, because you can’t stop the spinning. But when you are in a relationship with a sociopath, it’s not you, it’s him. Embrace your sanity, accept that he is not sane, and hold fast to the truth within yourself.
I want to give hope and encouragement to anyone else who accidently stumbles across this blog, which is a wonderful thing for anyone who is facing the troubled waters of a sociopathic relationship.
Your CAN have your life back, your days in the quicksand will end, there will be solid ground under your feet again some day. It is NOT going to be easy, and it will not be cheap, but it can be done. It will take every ounce of stamina and will power you possess, and every bit of support you can get. But one thing I learned when my ex left was that other people DO see through him. Not everyone, because they are charming and social and the life of the party. But there are some people who cannot be snowed, and they are the ones you need in your life now.
The other thing I want to add is that WhoAmI is absolutely correct in what they are saying about winning a sociopathic court battle. You MUST use their own mental disability against them, but you CAN win, because they are utterly predictable. Sociopaths lie constantly about everything, even when there is absolutely no reason to do so. The more you document, the better your chances of getting custody.
But the ultimate reality is, they do not bond with anyone, including their own children. So, the key is to use that against them, and make it work FOR you. I followed more or less the same strategy as WhoAmI, although I don’t have to file court docs, because he is supposed to pay through the payment center. And our youngest is now 16, so she can see him if she wants to, I couldn’t care less. He can’t corrupt her, she is totally on to him.
My last piece of advice is to echo others here who are saying to limit contact as MUCH as you possibly can with him/her. They use it against you, they are superb actors, and you are already vulnerable to them. It’s not surprising that someone would fall for another one. If you fell once, why not again? Do NOT allow them any access to you that is not controlled and documented. I finally, after a year, learned to keep all contact via e-mail, and it changed my life. When they say it, they suck you in. When you read it, you realize they aren’t saying anything at all, and it’s very easy to nail them on their lies and inconsistencies.
Anyway, I just wanted to add my words of support, and to say that your children will know, in the end, who is real, and who isn’t. If you love them and continue to do your best for them, they will eventually come around. You have to believe that, and believe in yourself.
You all take good care of yourself, and don’t forget, you are abused women. You can and should take advantage of resources in your community geared toward battered women and their families, because they also help women who have been emotionally battered.
I will be praying for each of you as you continue your battles.
End,
While looking for the Blog you are referring to, I came across this one. Think this pertains to us in our agony. Will keep looking
KATYA…Thanks!! : )