Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Strange. HE is the one with the problem. HE is a PAEDOPHILE. HE is a KIDDIE FIDDLER and you have young girls. Get the hell out of there.
Be strong, make the decision to go, once you have made that choice the rest will follow.
Don’t give him any second chances or try reasoning with him. You’ve been there done that it doesn’t work
Call the police, get them to your house, he may get arrested (so what) pack your bags and GO.
The ‘system’ is still weighted and unfortunately the innocent victim has to leave their home when really the evil one should be ousted. In time the laws will change but for you and your children right now you need a place of safety.
Most of us here have been to hell and back. Making the decision to call the relationship off is the hardest part.
I stayed in an abusive relationship for 25 years. I thought the kids were ok, they were not, my youngest is in therapy now – it messes them up too.
Not sure what country you are in but you may find the link below of some help. Well done for finding this site and sharing your story. You are not alone. Good luck.
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_
So er, how do you win custody of your teenager back from a spath gf??
But really, I would add to get in touch with your cellular provider and know you may need your lawyer’s assistance via court order. They keep records of triangulation (where your phone is located in the cellular network at all times). Get this for your own phone going back as far as possible and get new records of this as time goes by if the case drags on. This way if spath lies about something you did at xyz you can quickly prove you were nowhere near that area at that time and in fact you were at abc. It would also be great to get for spath’s phone as long as he is in no way notified. This way you can refute the lies with a basis in his location.
I know you are seeing an obvious flaw here in that the phone does not directly designate the person’s location. But that is not how the court views it. They take cell location as the owner’s location. I personally worked a criminal case where a potential perp’s case was dropped as his phone was nowhere near the crime scene at the time of the crime so he was determined not to be there.
Also I have worked with clients who have wanted to pretty up their documentation for the judge via transferring to a word document. DON’T DO IT! Prettied up in nice order screams something thrown together the night before the case. Bring all your scraps and well worn out notebooks with the spelling errors and abreviations and smudge on some pages. This is what screams authenticity. And in the absence of anything else, I have seen cases turn on an obviously authentic journaling.
Dear Lisa,
How do you get custody of your teenager from your gf? The question is too broad to even start to answer here. Maybe we could answer some specific questions more easily.
I noticed in the NC case where the step mother and the father of taht little girl who was murdered and then turned in as missing 2 weeks later, and the step- mother left a ransom note, the step mother started finally “cooperating” with the cops (she was arrested first on hot check charges) but she has now been charged with murder. She told the police where the body parts were stashed (the girl was dismembered) and HER PHONE was traced to those places at the time the body parts were distributed but the father’s phone was not there.
I’m not sure what is going on in that case the father didn’t turn his kid in as missing for 2 weeks after she disappeared, and someone (him?) got rid of the girl’s bed which was found bloody etc. so he may have been in on it or not, but the charge for murder is on the step mother (at this point) ONLY becaause of the location of her phone at the time and place the body parts were distributed. Interesting points.
How does one go about getting the provider to provide you with your location and dates? Are they required to? Does it cost?
I meant how does one get custody of a teenager from the teenager’s spath girlfriend?
Triangulation report is just that…a report which contains your documented location in a chronological order of sorts and is certified by the provider as accurate. You will need your lawyer to get a standard and easy to get court order. This means a judge ORDERS that the provider complies. If they choose not to cough up the report, they are up for contempt of court and all of the legal hell that goes with it. In other words, they have to and will provide it.
I have worked with them but never got for myself so not sure about the cost but I remember when I came up with this for a case understanding only a nominal fee was involved.
lisa
wow, thats a new one.
you’ve got to get us more details, if for no other reason than to educate us.
Thank you again for your advice, responses and questions. I wondered if there is somewhere I can take all I have written and put it all together better? After writing things out I am remembering more.
I was left with no choice but to stay until April because my sister who encouraged my leaving, who also said the kids and I could stay with her once I stood my ground and “sh*t hit the fan”, took that back and said it was no longer possible for us to live with her.
I don’t have many friends left after this, and the ones I do have, who are at least understanding of the situation and accept me back, are not in positions themselves to offer any help other than emotional support which has been amazing. The nearest shelter is the next city over, 20 minutes away. I have no car. (The car he bought with out tax money was a stick) knowing I can’t drive one, even if I did get my license. (Although I am learning)
I typed a long letter to him explaining my side of things because as much as I’ve said my side, he doesn’t listen. I told him I typed that to him about 4 or more days ago, he has been sick, but has had plenty of time to read it. Well there was no response to my letter, if he even read it.
On his day off while the kids were at school I walked to the library for resources and help and the librarian who helped me was an older woman who showed much empathy without even knowing exactly what was going on, just by what I was reading. (I don’t have a library card so I had to read there, however my husband frequents here often) as I was leaving a young woman with similarity in looks/style to me, asked me if I knew “so and so”, I said oh, yeah I know him, she said “oh tell him I said hi”, and smiled. I said, “well we’re about to be divorced, you can tell him yourself the next time you see him.” She said “oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know” and then looked down at the book I was trying to have them hold for me at the desk. I didn’t have a library card so there was that discussion and then the older librarian who had helped me with my searches, came and talked to the girl “Jessica” was her name, Jessica came back, smiled and told me the book would be at the desk any time I needed it and not to worry about it. I said “thank you, I may be able to have my Husband come check the book out for me”, they seemed fine with that.
When I got home, we went to the store and then he agreed to get the book for me, he didn’t want to go in and get it though even though the book was basically for him, and for me to understand more about pornography addictions because I’m thinking a lot of his behavior started around the pornography. I’m just trying to understand so I can learn how to move forward.
I told him about the girl saying hi to him and he smirked in response to my pain, jealousy, whatever he thought it was, it wasn’t. Just curiosity how this young girl knew him. If he had worked his charms on her?
So he left to the library….and came home IRATE. He came in yelling and screaming at me, getting in my face about how I told everyone at the library he was a sociopath pedophile with a porn addiction and how he can never be seen there again. I didnt read any books on pedophiles because they didnt have them, but the sociopath and the porn addiction, yes I was reading, the librarians could assume from that what they wanted, I did not say anything to anyone yet he yells and accuses and blames me for reaching out for help.
Apparently, when he got there and asked for the book, Jessica ran to the back room to tell the other librarian, and hid back there, and they would not let him get my book for me and said only I could come in and wouldn’t tell him anything, I don’t know if they thought they were helping….but they didn’t. So he kicked me out and I went for what turned out to be a terrifying walk.
As I was walking past my childhood home (ages 9-10 I think) a male friend was driving by and asked what happened, I said “I got kicked out”, he said “you need a place to go?” I said no “I’m walking to…”, and before I could finish he said, “I live right here, come on in and I’ll burn one with you” (I smoke cannabis for spinal arthritis) and could use it for the stress too…..but…..the house he lived in, WAS the house I was walking by, my childhood home. I have had nightmares about this place for the last 2 years, about how I would go in there again, I lived there again, weird stuff that would never happen, I would never have a reason to go into that house again…I thought. Well it is winter here in Michigan, so I went in.
As he opened the door to go up the stairs the smell almost made me sick. It was the exact SAME smell. How after so many years could it smell the same? I got to the top of the stairs, the same wood frame piece was missing, walked in the second door, shaking but trying to hide it. As I walked in, immediately to the right I see the bathroom, and myself laying on the floor bawled up in a ball over the toilet crying as a result of broken ribs (my mom shoved me down over the toilet) and her new, old bf my “biological father” is who picked me up off the floor and held me and wrapped me up with ace wrap, I look at the door, the punch holes from him are still there all over the doors and walls.
I gather myself because my poor “friend” here “more of an acquaintance”has no idea any of this and wasnt paying much attention anyway. So I gathered myself and turned to walk into his living room….upon stepping through I see a blood stain on the floor….the same one from when my nose was almost broken from being kicked in the face. This is a home where 9,12 and 15 yr old girls were left alone for a week or two or 3 at a time to fend for ourselves while my mom established her new relationship with the town drug lord, her X from when she supposedly got pregnant with me. I started smoking marijuana and cigarettes at this age because my mom wasnt around, my 15 yr old rebellious sister was and so were her friends, in an unsupervised house. So much neglect, so much that was forgotten being drudged up right then, at such an emotional time in my life.
I sit down and my friend is leaving to take his dog out, I asked if it was ok if I walked through the place and looked in all the rooms. He said go right ahead, it’s messy but I dont mind. I said well I used to live here, I just wanted to look around. So while he was out I walked through the living room into the first room (that leads to the second) the first thing I notice is how small it was and that me and my sisters all slept in there, that wasn’t the room I needed to see so I kept walking through to the other room….my room. Where I hid most of the time. I opened the door, not knowing what to expect but NOT expecting what I saw. It was so small I could barely stand up in it and I’m only 5’2. The floor is soft and creaky, there is a cold haunted eerie feeling that I always felt as a child. I can’t believe this is where I slept. It was always dark because the light bulb would always go out (part of my nightmares were just that alone, darkness in that room) It was the same as sleeping in a closet or basement…..My friend didnt even use it as a room. He said it was so creepy no one went in there and used it for storage.
After about 10 minutes of just staring into that room, too scared to walk in, I tuned around and walked back out into the living room and stared straight ahead at the door in front of me. My moms room. The room where she lay peacefully in her bed while I (at age 9 or 10) stood over her with a knife, just watching her, waiting for her to wake up and see me before I plunged it into her neck…I came to my senses and got out of there before I did something, or before she woke up and saw, and killed or beat me. (A week before that behavior, my moms new bf, my “supposedly biological dad” had strangled me on the floor in their room, almost to death, would have been if not for my mom beating on him saying Terry! Terry! Stop it! You’re gonna kill her! I don’t know how I got free but I did and I ran faster than I ever knew possible, even to this day. I ran to the neighbors where they took me in (a newly wed couple) made me hot chocolate, and offered to let me sleep there for the night or asked if it was ok to Call the police, there were bruises and red marks all over my neck, so they reassured me the police would HAVE to believe me and not to be scared…..but the police believed my own MOM, when she said I was just throwing a tantrum and got spanked and was mad and acting out. The police made me go back home to them when I would have rather gone anywhere.
So I got to experience that all yesterday and when I left, I got to come home to my angry husband who was surprisingly not angry at all. He was oddly calm and collected. I’m not sure if that is because before I left I told him I was moving out, most likely this week (my other sister is cleaning her house up making room for us) I told him if he could remain calm and civil, I could continue sleeping on the couch until April because we live in the middle of where I need some time to be to get help, right in town. My sister lives in the country and also doesnt have a license or car. I’m so stuck….ugh.
SO, this is what I saw that he wrote to his friend, if you care to read it, it’s only his end of the convo but still, he lies so much. He says I show no empathy, that I show no emotion and that I am the sociopath. Would I be seeking help like this if I was a sociopath? Am I a sociopath? I can’t believe he’s actually got me questioning if I could be one. He literally MAKES me crazy. I cry all the time, no I DID cry all the time. Yes NOW I’m cold, NOW I show him no empathy. I was told not to show him any emotion because it’s what he wants. I was told to distract myself with friends and be happy, which is what I have done. I have started eating and drinking water, bought some supplements, and yesterday and today exercised and feel so much more alive today. I have been spending more time with the kids, hugging them and trying to show more love. Sometimes it’s hard to show the love because I’m so distracted. I do feel bad that I’m moving on without him and that it “appears” like it’s some easy thing for me, because it’s not. It’s the hardest thing in the world…but it gets easier every day, I learn more everyday
He told me the kids think I’m mean and that he is nice. I agree that I have been mean at times and snappy, not any fault of my childrens, it was because of him and the way he made me feel. In a bad mood constantly, depressed, lethargic, sick, and STILL having to be the only parent, the strong parent, the one who can brush their hair without breaking down. He doesn’t break down…yet I have no emotion?
I tell my kids I’m sorry to them all the time if I yell or snap unnecessarily so, I explain, it’s no excuse but mommy is having a bad day, I’m in a bad mood, can I have a hug? I try to explain things to them as best I can. I am planning on help from a therapist to break the news that daddy is mentally ill, and until he is able to get treatment and help for that, you cannot see him.
[24/02/2011, 12:44]. User: “Heather and Mike”. Window title:”Messages – i did too – Mozilla Firefox”
you there buddy?
so shes leaving tonight
for good
retarded sister..not slutty sister
well..retarded slutty…not amber
lol
she managed to tell the attractive librarian who asked about me that I am a sociopathic pedophile with a PORN addiction
ick…I have her mianifesto if you would like me to mail it. It tells her view
so I have read up on socio paths and she sounds much more like one than I
no empathy no remorse no regret
treats me with contempt steps out when she felt like it and was justified in her mind
I had to drive around to scream
that is so. I was glad when I heard that jessica…librarian asked about me but much less after heather had her say
god how publicly embarrassing
heather has no library card so she put a porn addiction on hold for me to pick up
book
I show up jessica at the desk excuses herself goes to the back and sends out another librarian to tell me
that heather can NOW pick up the book with her card
yeah
wherever you go thats where you are
and if your further away from crazy ex the better
Yeah right. Im like dorian grey if he settled for the first girl he slept with
hmmm then again that lifestyle caught up with him…but as I have no demonic portrait keeping me young time is limited
Dorian grey young naive inherently rich and good looking
posed for an artist that captured his very essence
New to town met local actress and bed her
with intent to be wed
but was shown by friends that she was the first of many pleasures the wourld had to offer
she killed herself and brother swore revenge which is not really relevant here
what was that new email again
k sent it
I howled with rage into a pillow while reading this
The way she chooses to interpret reality hurts
I’ll see if I can grab a phone at some point but with her leaving NOW I don’t know the kids don’t know anything
surprise kids say goodbye to daddy!
I do
and they don’t so much with mom
without my tenderness to temper her…sternness I don’t know how its this is going to go
good grammar mike
my guess is this computer will be gone at 4 o’clock.as likely will be the phone
not bad advice money was better and jobs more forthcoming elsewhere
I didn’t work harder to get a job there was just more opportunity
she wants me to be gone at 4 so she can move here and the girls out without having to see me
here=her
I don’t like that plan
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
!
yeah
heather has been so hurtful thru this. Last time we talked she was waiting at the door swearing that I had lied to you about what I was saying then threatened to call the police again.
I called the bluff cititing raphanlia
Asked her do you really want to get this involved with everything
?
maybe thats the real plan
leave then call the pliceo
course.
How heart rending this process up chewing up our relationship…gfof
I could help with that too. I have days off a week to work with
Is there a student mechanic course there?
School full of engineers in training
Like in the way that one could take their car to the veotech center to have their car problem identified and repaired on the cheap
I’ve been sick last 3 days ned ridden and sleepint..still sick now just have a lot of shit being thrown at me
ned=bed
oh yeah in good news for heather she got her lip repierced and lost like 40 some pounds
yay for her
bleh I hate going over all this stuff again. it takes so much out emotionally
yup
small comfort but I’ve been working on some new decks
built up a green garruk deck and a vampire one
vampire needs a lot a work green just alittle tweaking
Found someone to play with locally. he gets the first load of what I got next wed. Haven’t played him yet .
I think I’m goiing to take a nap. I have a feeling I will need my strength
I’ll try and get in touch with you later if it is possible but until then.take it easy
What do you all think about what he had to say? This was to his best friend since kindergarten, a guy who has only ever known the bad parts about me or 1/2 truths.
Strange, I read your last post and had many different responses but deleted all of them. The hardest thing in my opinion about dealing with a sociopath is that they will NEVER validate your feelings. If you try to talk to them, they will turn everything you say against you. They are incapable of taking responsibility for their actions. They may fake it for a while to hook you in, then it’s back to the same stuff. Sometimes when they are faking it, it’s comforting. It’s the only comfort you know, and so you just go into denial and think….maybe he’s not that bad……
It is obvious by his email that A) He is making you out to be crazy; and B) He has some sort of extracurricular activities with others going on, though not really sure of the extent. This first part is called “gaslighting”. If you live with someone like this, he will eventually convince you you are sick and crazy. This is incredibly dangerous for you.
I know this will probably be the hardest thing you will ever do, but you really need to get yourself and your children away from him. Only then, you will be able to start healing yourself from all the craziness you’ve had to deal with in your life. You have had some horrible horrible experiences in your childhood. I cried when I read some of the things that happened to you. But it’s not a death sentence. You don’t have to keep living in a nightmare. Once you get to a safe place, things will only get better. You DESERVE a safe environment. You deserve to be around people who are kind to you.
Please reconsider the shelter. They will help you with jobs, transportation, and anything else you would need. They offer counseling and can get you access to the books you need without you’re having to piss your husband off to read them.
I also wanted to mention that even if he has never laid a hand on your daughters, the “vibe” of living with a pedophile will be very traumatic for them. I know this from firsthand experience living with my stepfather.
Hi Strange. Phew! what a post.
I’m soooo sorry you find yourself in this situation which is NONE of your making.
I’m not qualified to advise to any extent but the first thing that leapt out is:
1. It’s all about HIM
2. All of this bullshite is to distract you from the FACT that he’s a paedophile.
Don’t lose sight of the real issue – HIM. All of the other stuff is the smoke-screen he’s creating to distract you from the FACT that he’s a spath.
He probably has not read your letter because he doesn’t care about how you feel – it’s all about HIM.
YOU and and your kids are the MOST important thing right now. The shelter may be your best move. Once there you will be ‘outside’ and will see things more clearly.
Keep reading x
Thank you. I am trying not to lose sight of the real issues. It’s so hard because I know I have not been “the perfect angel” of the relationship and don’t want it to come off that way, I don’t want to defend him either, and I won’t. I am just so confused at what is real and what is fake, what can happen and what can’t.
I wanted him to get help so bad that I bribed him with letting him have his way with me one last time, if he just would read the book I got…and he immediately accepted and spent the next 4 hours straight reading this book on porn addicts and the hurt it causes. I feel so ashamed of myself that I could even let him touch me…and even more ashamed knowing how much pleasure he got out of my resistance to kiss or make any eye contact with him at all.
I had hoped…that after he read the book, he would understand more about my hurt, and would come to me and say, I’m sorry, can I maybe hold you and we could talk about the hurt I’ve caused you and our family.
I want so badly, not to think the worst of him….so badly to believe that because he has more good in him than bad, that our family could somehow be together if he just got help. My 12 year marriage with him aside, for my childrens sake I HAVE to leave him. Weather he got into child pornography and rape/force/humiliation/incest from being a porn addict or not, weather he can be cured or not, I HAVE to accept that at least for now, he got off on that in some way, he is a pedophile in a way and I am doing the right thing by leaving.
He STILL can’t see a 16 year old girl as a child and He’s 30. I understand in some states 16yr olds are legally allowed to have sex…but how can he, a 30yr old grown man not see these girls as children who have been taken advantage of and are being exploited.
The only answers I can come up with point to him being a sociopath….but what if he isn’t aware he is a sociopath? What if he doesn’t know he is manipulating and what if he doesn’t know what he was looking at was wrong because he doesnt feel things the same way you or I do? What if he really didn’t know? How can I blame him for that?
So I want him to “SEE THE LIGHT” because I feel like if he just knew, if a professional told him, I feel like he probably would get treatment, no matter how long it took if it meant ever being a family again, even if it took 10 years to prove to me he had changed…..he honestly has me believing he would do that for me. God just reading this I look like such a sucker and I can see right through him.
I know…I need therapy and am looking up numbers as I type….
I also found out, through all my grief, while I was out here bawling and searching for answers…he was stealing my dirty panties and using them….I don’t even know what to think about that, other than….how sad. How very sad and pathetic that THIS, THIS is the guy I fought so hard for all these years.
I had gone into the bathroom to change into my pajamas and left my clothes there on the floor while I went out and got ready for bed. I didn’t think anything of it, but my spath was watching ninja assasin in his bedroom with the door closed and I had to walk in there to grab some socks, when I walked in he jumped and looked guilty but I was like “whatever, he’s a creep anyway”
I went back into the bathroom to take care of my dirty clothes and my panties were missing. I went back into the bedroom and said REALLY Mike. I’m out here searching for help on the internet and you’re in here with my panties? He threw them at me and yelled to get out and as the door shut, that “YOU FORGET I STILL LOVE YOU, you emotionless…” I have no idea what else he said after that because I was walking away.
Thank you all for being here for me through this.
You know, I even went to him the other day, as mad, scared, confused and cold as I am, I wrapped my arms around him in an embracing hug and said “I’m very sorry that you’re going through this by yourself. You don’t have to. There is help out there if you really wanted it. I found help and I feel much better, there is help for you too” I said it calmly, and walked away.
It hurts to see someone you loved so mentally sick and screwed up, you just want them to get better. and I do. Even if I never see him or let him see the kids again, I want him to get help.
Strange – it matters not that you are ‘not the perfect angel’ none of us are. We all have baggage.
My spath was looking at this stuff. He denied it but it was on my pute. He erased it, then I doubted that I’d seen it! (denial) But I told my ‘kids’ and they pressured me (thank goodness) to see him for what he really was – a paedophile. I had spent a year with this filth.
I thought I could change him, had him back and what did he do….emptied my bank account, no doubt to ‘teach me a lesson’ WTF.
He only wants you to believe he’s changed to get back with you. Once a paedophile always a paedophile.
I wanted to help my spath too, we think we can help or change them in some way…we can’t. They are a lost cause. Run as far and as fast as you can.
YOU are the one that needs help. Take care of YOU. He will survive.
The day my spath left I was about to put my boot through the computer screen. He said you won’t do that and I said ‘that’s what you think’
IF he loved you would you be here ‘mad, scared and confused’? I guess not.