Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Dear Strange,
You can NOT fix someone else no matter how much you love them or want to fix them. It doesn’t matter if he knows he is a pervert, sociopath or not, he IS ONE….so it is your duty to protect the innocent and that is your children….you DO OWE your children protection from perverts, even if that pervert is their father.
It doesn’t mean you must be an angel or anything else, it simply means you are a mom, you owe your children protection. HE owes them protection too, but obviously isn’t going to protect them from himself. But YOU are not able to make him understand or CARE. Reading a book isn’t going to make him know or care…telling him isn’t going to make him know or care…it is all about what HE WANTS, not what is right. A psychopath knows right from wrong, they just do not care.
YOU DO CARE…so take care of yourself and your kids, and don’t look back. You and your kids deserve better than a psychopath! God bless you and your children and keep you all safe! (((hugs))))
Strange, I wish I had a dollar for every year I have spent living with men who treated me badly because I thought to myself….maybe it’s me. You know that guy I took up exotic dancing to get away from? (and used the money to buy my first condo)? I didn’t tell the whole story. I found a letter in our closet from a psychiatrist about him from when he was 20. Apparently, he had fondled two little girls and went through years of psychiatric treatment and probation. I was devastated when I found the letter. He had never told me. He was 30 when I met him. I went to a counselor and asked her if it could have been a one-time thing, and maybe he has changed?
She said that at the time he could have had the mental age of an 8 year old. And that it’s very possible he outgrew it. But between that and him throwing my cat across the room in a fit of anger, I knew I had to leave. I want you to know that much of the time he was very nice to me, and was very apologetic about what he did to the cat, and he never did it again. I really believed he wasn’t a totally bad person. But I left him anyway.
About 15 years later, I googled him just for the hell of it. I wondered what ever happened to him. I knew he had moved to Seattle. Guess what I found???? A prison rap sheet. Apparently, he moved up there and fondled a 10-y.o. girl. And in his rap sheet it said that he admitted under a lie detector test that he had molested 25 children within a 20-year time frame. Some of that was when we were living together!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot tell you how shocked I was. I’m telling you this because child molestors hide their sickness very well. You may not ever find out what he’s really up to for many years. Even if he isn’t a sociopath, Oxy is right. His problem is too big for you to fix. He is the only one who can fix it.
You will start to see things more clearly once you are out of the toxic situation.
You are all so strong and inspiring.
UGH! Another one of those days
He actually told ME…hah!, He told ME that HE was too emotionally drained to respond to any of my “jabs” when I was asking him about not responding to my letter and him not caring. He says I dont give him a chance to talk, I used to, but dont anymore because he keeps trying to justify,justify, justify, not accept the blame or the hurt and pain he caused, the broken trust the self confidence issues, self mutilation issues, the cheating, the open relationship, ALL of it has started as a result of the porn, that’s all in the book too….but I guess he didnt see those parts. I’m not saying it’s his fault I cheated, it’s both of ours, but I can accept that and he can’t. He says he can’t communicate to me anything…but I write out like 12 paragraph letters explaining…waiting for his side….
A white blank page….and a growing RAGE is all I get when I write to him.
Yes I acted up, I acted out, am I wrong in believing it was all in response to my emotional trauma and inability to trust him because of his continuous lies? His excuse is, it’s a computer, it’s pictures, it’s fake and what I did was real.
So last night the police were called by myself. My Spath decided it would be a good idea to start a fight with me by buying a new cell phone with the remainder of the money that would have kept this home up and utilities for the next 2 months, yes I was mad, funny thing is I knew he would do that. He said it’s because I denied him use of my phone and the computer. The computer sits here and anyone can access it anytime, the phone, when we fight, yes I keep it so I can reach out, so its a good idea for him to have his own phone just now wasnt the time and not with that money.
So because we’re fighting he decides to, tell the kids “mommy is leaving daddy, mommy called the police and wants daddy to go to jail, mommy doesnt want us to be a family, mommy doesnt want me to ever see you again,”
(I called the police here) because I told him to shut up and stop hurting the kids and he just wouldn’t shut up or stop and this is HM doing this! He KNEW I didn’t want to explain anything to them like that, I wanted them in therapy with someone who knows what they’re doing….god, so in my weakness I responded as my children look helplessly at me with tears and such sadness that I could be doing this, ME, that it was all my fault….I didn’t know what to do so the truth blurted out.
I said, “you want to know the truth Jaz, daddy likes to look at pictures of little girls, little girls your age, he likes to find pictures and look at them naked and wants to have sex with them (she has learned about sex in school), daddy is sick and refusing help”
and he absolutely flipped out that I told our daughter the truth, I know it was wrong and I did it the wrong way…but then he preceded to tell the kids that mommy is a whore who cheated on daddy and walked out on him all the time and he kept going (I was on the phone with the police) so I didnt hear all the awful stuff he said. While it is true I cheated on him years ago, he refuses to forgive me and brings it up every chance he has, any chance to change the subject. He knows why I cheated on him, he knows I was unhappy and wanted out of our marriage, because of that, he says I don’t accept my behavior and apparently havent suffered enough for it…meanwhile what he did is happening right now, less than 4 months ago.
He ACTUALLY said that I haven’t given him any credit this last couple weeks for not looking at the porn! I’M SUPPOSED TO BE GIVING HIM CREDIT???? I made it clear we were separated, that I was leaving him if he didnt start reaching out and looking for help, his excuses for not getting help then were that he needed me to do all the work for him because (He didnt know how or what to search for) I have left information on the computer waiting for him. He’d rather play xbox360.
SO, the police said they couldn’t make either of us leave unless there was domestic abuse and there wasnt any but he asked me 5 or more times in a way that made me wonder if he wanted me to ‘say’ my husband abused me in order to have him removed from the home. I am not petty so I wouldn’t do that. Also, I covered for him AGAIN. I’m so sick of it. The officer wanted to take my computer when he was hearing what I was saying but the only thing I specified to him about my husbands behavior was the 16yr old girl searches and APPARENTLY that’s legal so he backed off about taking my computer. Why am I still protecting him? I have no license or car so no way of getting to anywhere…and he has the license and car, and no where else to go so the officer ordered him to stay in the bedroom and me to stay in living room and left. 😐
As soon as the officer left my Spath decided he could leave now, now that he wasnt being kicked out of the house or asked to leave, he got dressed and went for a walk.
I took that time to heal the wounds. I talked to my youngest, she couldn’t even remember or put together a sentence of anything that was said or going on so she wasn’t paying attention to details…luckily. I also asked her if her dad ever did anything to her that she didnt like or that hurt her or made her sad or confused and she said no, I asked her if I’ve done anything that made her feel any of those feelings and she said no but sometimes you’ve been grumpy (wonder why) but I’m working hard on that.
My 11yr old I called out and explained everything to her calmly. I also asked her if anything had ever happened to her. She made it really easy to tell her everything. I told her about a bad guy who touched my private when I was little and being too scared or embarrassed to tell, so that she felt more comfortable. Both of them said nothings ever happened like that….such a relief. I didn’t think anything had, but still such a relief to hear from them.
My Daughter was so sweet and so understanding (and she’s the daddies girl too) I told her what I said to her was wrong and I was sorry she had to hear those words and hear it that way and that I was sorry for what her daddy said too. It wasn’t right and I had planned on having you talk to a counselor or therapist with me about it but I couldnt let you think that I was just breaking up our family, I had to tell you the truth.
I told her yes mommy did cheat on daddy a long time ago and it was very wrong but I stopped and decided to fight for my family to keep us together even though I was unhappy and leaving. Daddy is doing something wrong too but the difference is that he is sick and he doesnt see what he is doing as wrong and he wont stop (proven over 12 yrs) and he wont get help.
I explained it to her as simple as (How would it make you feel if you had a boyfriend at school, and even though he had a picture of you, he wanted to get a whole bunch of pictures of other pretty girls even if that made you sad) She said she wouldn’t date a boy like that because that’s mean. I told her, well…it’s very similar to what Daddy has been doing and the way it’s made Mommy feel all this time, and she is right in not wanting to be with a boy like that. She accepted that alone as my reason for leaving, so next was my reason in why she can’t see her Daddy.
I told her Daddy is sick inside of his brain. Part of Daddies sickness is that he doesn’t know, and won’t admit it, even if he did, that he is sick and only a Dr who helps peoples brains can help Daddy, but no matter how many times I tell him, or you tell him, even if we’re leaving, it won’t matter. He needs to see it for himself, we can’t be responsible for what he chose to or not to do. Only he can decide to get help. I gave her examples of his behaviour (saying untrue things to them to hurt me)
I said, “when Daddy was telling you that Mommy called the cops on him and wanted him to go to jail and never see you again, how did that make you feel?” She said it made her really sad.
I said, “when he was saying those things, did you believe them? Did you honestly think that’s why mommy called the police, because i wanted him in jail? and do you believe that I don’t want us to be a family? and she said no she didnt believe those things, and you called to get him to stop fighting.
I said “ok well there is my example of things Daddy might say that hurt you but arent true, You as well as Daddy knows I dont want him in jail or else I could have him there over this, You as well as Daddy know, I do want our family to work but it’s not up to me, Daddy needs help
Yet even knowing it wasn’t true, and even knowing you would know it wasn’t true, Daddy said it. To hurt you and to hurt mommy and to make everyone feel bad for him. He didn’t mean to, it’s part of his sickness. Daddy isn’t a bad person and I don’t want you to think he is, but what he does is wrong and we all deserve better and leaving is the best choice for us right now, and you not seeing Daddy right now is the best choice for us until he gets help. She agreed and was very mature about everything. I think she respected me in a way…which was so weird because she is such a Daddies girl that she would side with him on anything, I’d think.
She said she noticed I’ve been happier and nicer the last couple days and I explained to her how that came to be (reaching out for help and knowing what needs to get done) I told her you cant put your life on hold waiting for someone else to decide to get help, it’s sad and it sucks and I want so bad to help him but I cant…I also can’t be with someone who hurts me, no one should. She agreed.
I asked her who, if given a choice she would want to live with (knowing she would say her Daddy but having to accept she’s a Daddies girl and I’ll eventually have to accommodate to her happiness if he gets help) at first she didn’t say anything, so I thought she was worried about making me sad by not picking me. I told her, it doesnt mean you love one parent more than the other if you pick to live with them, just who would you feel happier and more comfortable living with and she said…well I dont want Daddy to be sad and think I dont love him and I dont want to pick sides. I assured her she isnt picking and once assured she said she’d want to live with me but that after Daddy got help she would like to visit, and I agreed but also let her know theres a big chance he may never get help. I also explained to her he is having a ‘poor me’ party and wants us all to join, dont let him. If he is sad, smile, give him a hug and tell him you love him and then be on your way. Dont listen to him talk about how sad he is that this is happening because he did this.
As soon as the Spath got back (I was on the phone with mom) he was out here, starting stuff again. It blew up again while I was on the phone, I remained completely calm while he was yelling, getting in my face next to the phone and acting like a moron.
He then tried coming at me with the porn self help book like the whole book was made to point out how I handled the situations wrong, every time HE lied or HE covered up what he was doing and wont admit fault for. He said anytime hes ever been good he hasnt gotten credit for it (which is complete bullsh*t) I used to give him ‘special’ things if I asked him about it and he said he wasnt doing it (the whole time he was) he just learned different ways of hiding it until he thought I wasnt suspicious and watching him anymore.
ANYWAY, thanks for listening to my own personal hell and so much for the support, I wish he would get support and help…ugh…sometimes I envy his ability to not care. I am cleaning up my sisters house, moving any day now and next week am filing for a separation, or maybe just for a divorce since in MI you dont have to separate first, He doesnt even have to sign the papers, after 6 months my petition is granted.
Thank you all!!
Is there anywhere on this website to post your story since I hogged up on this blog?
Also, sorry for the lack of proper punctuation, i know it makes it more difficult to read I was just in a hurry to jot this all down
Strange, I suggest that you call your local domestic violence shelter and seek some help from them….counseling for both you and your kids. It seems that the kids are being put into the middle of the “fight” of who is right, mom or dad, and this is not the place for them to be having to pick sides at this point.
I also suggest that if you are intending to separate that you get it done as quickly as possible, so that you can have some protection. The people at the DV shelter might also help you get any assistance you are eligible for as well. Good luck! God bless.
Strange – well done you. The courage it took to make this move must have been enormous.
You need professional help NOW for you and the girls (not next week – now) call the refuge.
This is the most dangerous time for any woman who decides to leave. Do not underestimate the danger you and your kids are in. You are cutting off his ‘supply’ he has nothing left to lose. Make the move asap.
Well done for the way you handled the situation. You will be seen as the baddie in all of this for a while but it is NOT your fault.
I know the computer is your lifeline at the moment but you may wish to reconsider giving the police the computer. This will give validation to your accusations against him if/when things turn nasty later over the custody of the kids. It’s your only solid evidence, otherwise it’s your word against his.
Your children sound very mature for their ages, you have done a good job as a mother and it shows in your post.
Stay strong, see it through and you and the kids can make a new life together.
Thank you, I agree and am looking into all my available resources, I already have a case with DHS for food help. I have contacted my childrens teachers and asked for counseling and they are somewhat aware of what’s going on.
All I care about right now, is my children. That means taking care of me, getting therapy and getting my life in order so I can take better care of them. There will not be more fights that the children are involved in, if he even tries I just wont respond.
I only have about 3 days left of being here, I can make myself scarce when he is at the house. Besides, anything he says, I KNOW he is just trying to push my buttons and get a reaction, it’s much easier not giving him one knowing it’s what he wants….saddening that he sees it as “I’m the one who doesn’t care and is a sociopath” I can’t help the way he’s made me feel towards him in response to his actions
I will try to update if anything big happens but for now, I’m on my way into recovery and it’s looking good so far. =) I couldn’t have done any of it without this website and the people here.
Thank You
Strange, you sound so positive in your post and you have an exit plan, well done. You are right, all that matters is you and the kids. I wish you a speedy recovery however I know that the path you are about to follow will be strewn with spath mine fields so pick your way carefully, Good luck 🙂
strange,
you don’t need to give the police your computer, just the hard drive. Get another hard drive and make sure you have the OS (windows or whatever) to reload. The other thing you can do is clone the hard drive and give the clone to the cops or the original to the cops. I would do all this BEFORE you leave so that no one can accuse you of putting the stuff on the computer. Get assistance from the DV shelter to do this. Get to the shelter and start getting your ducks in a row with their help. If driving is a problem maybe they can help on that too.
It’s really important that you get this evidence to the cops if you want to protect your daughters. He isn’t going to give them up and they will be vulnerable – more so when he tries to get full or shared custody. Without evidence NOW, you won’t have much power later.
I know you don’t want to hurt him but it’s up to you to protect them.
Strange, I’m not sure about this (maybe someone else here would know) but I would think the police could get involved if they knew about the child porn and the panties. Many cops have dealt with child molestors.
It sounds like the kids are being dragged into this sick, dysfunctional interaction. I hope you get yourself and them out of the crazy-making situation. They are too young to understand about all of this, and they need to be protected from it. I hope you get help sooner rather than later.
(((hugs)))
Strange,
I’m not sure that people who are involved with shelters for women and children wouldn’t have some great suggestions for you.
Have you contacted any? Often, the YMCA does that kind of work. When it comes to protecting and reorganizing yourself and your children, you don’t have to go it completely alone. As your therapist what good local resources are and if they don’t know, get another therapist!
We’ll be right here.