Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Ox,
I have an issue and need your input!
My son’s girlfriend’s Mom just messaged me on facebook. She told me that my son has been texting, calling her, possessively jealous, etc, constantly of her. Yesterday at school, my son threw a lunch tray and started screaming at her during lunch!! WTF??? WHY DIDN”T THE SCHOOL CALL ME???? She said that the principal called her and said that Adam was doing this stuff???? She’s ready to pull her daughter out of school BECAUSE OF MY SON!!!!
I”m not only PISSED that the school didn’t call me but I’m about ready to STRANGLE my kid! This so reads like spath behavior, to a T, even with what he’s done at home. Now I”m frightened of him. I’ve said that I”m DONE with the bullshit and I intend to do somethign about it. I’ve had it. HAD IT, with this kid!!
Ox, it’s my fear. I’ve got another spath on my hands. MY OWN SON!!!
I”ve not dealt with him because I don’t know WHAT to do. He’s sixteen and I’m responsible for him. He has SUCKED IN every person in the system! when he’s been in it. I SEE it all now. I don’t know what to do or where to go!!!!
I”M SO PISSED that they didn’t call the COPS YESTERDAY!!!
WTF???????????????
I don’t know what to do!!!
LL
Dear LL,
Well, with him acting lkike this I think he is trying to get you to let him go live with daddy o. If this is the case I would let him go live with his daddyo (f daddy will take him) It sounds like junior is acting out. He’s 16, not 6 and there isn’t a lot you can do to make him do anything he doesn’t want to do.
Let him have a few months over at daddy’s and see that it ain’t all fun and games over there. I know you’d live to save your son from daddyo but sometimes they have to bget to know the REAL daddy in order to see that they dont want to be around them. I know I did. I thinkk daddy o wont want him there to be in the way with his girlfriends so junior might decide to behave if daddy o doesn’t want him there. Pull their bluff and see how it plays out Good luck! (((hugs))))
Ox,
Well, that’d be just peachy except:
1. Daddy O is living with a “friend” of his.
2. Daddy O is scheduled to go back to JAIL in two weeks.
This is more than just his “acting out” Ox. I FEAR my son. I DO NOT want him in my house. He has been stealing money from me, smoking pot up one side and down the other, has had temper tantrums that defy anyone’s logic, disrupts our peace at home.
What can I DO? I almost feel like there is NOTHING I can do until there is some serious intervention with the AUTHORITIES. I wish they’d called the cops yesterday. That kind of violent behavior should NOT be excused at school in particular! Helloooooo
BTW, Ox? Even if he had a chance to live with daddy O, daddy O would not take him and he wouldn’t live with him. Daddy O would KILL my son.
LL
Ox,
My daughter gets absolutely furious with me about this. She doesn’t understand that he’s NOT going to do what he DOESN”T want to do. “YOU NEED TO FORCE HIM TO DO SOMETHING, YOU’RE THE PARENT, HE”S THE CHILD”…..
Um…………in theory, sure! in reality HE ISN”T GOING TO DO WHAT HE DOESN”T WANT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t think I should have to live in fear of my own son. I say no, I drop boundaries and he goes PSYCHO on me!!!
LL
LL,
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this crap in your own kids.
I don’t have kids but I can give you a perspective from how I’ve observed my parents: TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER’S ADVICE.
She sees your POWER. It’s just like Oxy’s article says: take back your power.
I have told my parents that they have the power to reign in both spath siblings but they either don’t see it or don’t want to.
The spaths are ADDICTED to their parents. Their is some kind of strange bond going on. They want to over-power the parent. It’s like an oedipus syndrome. They all have “mommy issues”. I have told my parents that all they have to do to get my spath sister to wake up and tell the truth is to THROW HER OUT OF THE HOUSE WHEN SHE LIES. No words. Just show her the door. To spath sister, that is the equivalent of NC or abandonment or grey rock, it would KILL HER. They won’t do it. Same with 46 year oldspath bro. Just SHOW HIM THE DOOR. out you go dear son! My parents don’t get it. Part of it is that they are narcissists who want to control us, but in the end that becomes a never ending tug-of-war for power.
Tell them, UNTIL they can function correctly, they don’t have your support. You don’t realize your power over your children. You are like their GOD. They will rail against you just like we do against God when we don’t get what we want, but you cannot buckle.
You might think that he isn’t going to do what he doesn’t want to do, but that isn’t necessarily so. It’s just a matter of how you present it. First: be calm, show no emotion: Gray rock. Second, be compassionate, listen to him but don’t fall for the pity ploy. Third: Give him no choice, he must respect you until he is 18. It’s all about presentation. Remember how the spaths manipulated us!!!!! Take the Lesson and Learn from it! Then use it.
LL, how about asking to sit down with his gf’s family and the school right away? I think it would best to get everyone onside and charge him. he needs to start dealing with accountability, and that girl deserves to feel safe-this has obviously gone on too long.
i can’t see the way clear about how you are going to get to safety – but start with this, it will shake something loose.
SKYLAR – SKYLAR -SKYLAR
Your above post was like a brick hit me on the head (in a good way). “The spaths are ADDICTED to their parents. There is some kind of strange bond going on. They want to over-power the parent” YES, YES, YES, this totally sums up my daughter.
It is whenever I attempt NO CONTACT that she comes after me. I have been saying this for years and years, just never put the right words to it. She is ADDICTED to me. Everytime I attempt to put her out of my life, she runs to court and tries to get custody of my grandson back. Sad part is, she could care less about her son, it is me she is after. This has cost me THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of dollars and unbelievable stress for all these years. I won’t even go into the stupidity of the courts to let her get away with this over and over.
Seeing I am now forced to have contact with her, because of visitation rights she was just awarded, I will physically be there, but I will be that grey rock. She will not get what she wants from me anymore – EVER. I WILL NOT feed her ADDICTION. She can’t over-power something she does not have.
THANK YOU – Skylar – you put words to my feelings, you validated me.
Love – MiLo
Milo. The parent thing ….of course……..a whole brick wall just fell on my head! Spath’s mum died some time ago, he never went to the funeral. He said no one told him she’d died but that was because he’d been ducking and diving for years so he had no contact with his family.
They actually threw him out aged 16 because he was a spath, steeling cars etc (I get the impression there was a LOT more to this – possible incest on his part, knowing what I know now.
So I said to him tell ‘me about your mother’ and he said ‘she was a sadistic bitch’. Then a bit later he said he wished his step-dad was dead and his mother was still alive. And I thought oh, he did love her after all. THEN I GOT IT. He could manipulate his mother wham bam! His step dad threw him out at 16 and NEVER allowed him back home.
At the time I thought this was harsh of his step dad but now I see it.
One,
I can’t do anything about the school till tomorrow, but you can BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR that I WILL be calling the school and speaking with the Principal first thing in the morning. I’ve been amazed at how 1. my son was able to manipulate them and 2. that they never bothered to call me Friday about this incident.
I’ve asked her mother to do NOTHING for right now. She wants my son away from her daughter and I have absolutely NO PROBLEM putting the breaks on that. I’ve shut off his phone and he’s not allowed to use mine. This doesn’t mean he won’t try to use someone else’s but I told him that I would HONOR her mothers’ request and to NOT contact her for the time being until matters could be settled. He was PISSED at me but tough.
I put up with this kind of crap out of two spaths. It’s not gonna happen with my son. Today I’m resolute. No more!!!
LL
SKy,
I can’t COUNT How many “conversations” we’ve had about his BEHAVIOR. While he has done immensely well in school (Surprisingly, academically), he is ACTING OUT.
I’ll be speaking with the Principal tomorrow, set up a meeting asap with he and the school counselor. I need to know what’s going on and have ASKED them to call me on numerous occasions if they have ANY issues with him. Clearly, they’re not doing that, except TWICE when the principal called me and told me that he was bringing my son home because his “anxiety” was giving him a “bad day” UGH!!!
Something concrete needs to happen.
LL