Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Candy ~ Yes, you did “get it”. My S/ P daughter leaves my husband totally alone. Just like your Spath, she could not manipulate him, only me. She never got her “fix” from her Dad they way she did from me.
My S/P daughter is adopted. I always thought she was projecting her feelings about her birth mom giving her up onto me, thus hating me. I don’t think that anymore. She found her birth mom when she was in her early teens. No surprise, she found a mirror image of herself. She does have some sort of a relationship with her. From what I have pieced together, she spent a couple of years trying to work her magic on birth mommy. Birth mommy was that grey rock, basically not giving a darn and not about to be manipulated. Thanks to my new found “words” from Skylar, she could not get her “fix” from her, so she targeted me once again.
Oh, and what your spath said about his mom being a sadistic bitch, my S/P daughter has said a lot worse about me. On her social network sites, she has posted stories of me molesting and abusing her as a child. Yea, right, this from a woman who used time outs as her most harsh punishment.
Anyway, like I said, using Skylar’s terms, opens a whole new world to me.
Milo – adopted kids. It still amazes me how people like yourself adopt kids, give them a good home and then get all this shite. Isn’t grey rock wonderful.
My spath had 2 kids they were both adopted because he neglected/abused them. Now I have learned from spath’s ex that Ex met up with one of his daughters and she was the spitting image of him, all she wanted was money and so the cycle continues.
There was another daughter, I do not know what happened to her but I find this interesting because well-meaning people adopt these (spath’s) children not knowing the seeds which have already been sown in them. There is no ‘screening’ for this condition.
Candy ~ my daughter is 32 years old. I remember the case worker we had, who was excellent, way ahead of her time. Although the general consensus back then was, give these kids love and everything will be sunshine and rainbows, it’s all about environment. The worker warned that she felt genetics played an important roll in a child’s future. Smug me, looking at this beautiful 14 month old baby, told her she was nuts, love conquered everything – BOY WAS I WRONG.
On adoption, I would be shouting from the roof tops “RUN, RUN LIKE THE WIND” EXCEPT – we have another adopted child, a boy, our youngest (29 yrs.) I can not say enough good things about this wonderful, talented, caring young man. He is the light of our lives. So, while there is no “screening”, I would take my chances all over again. Actually, I guess I am, because I am raising my S/P daughter’s son. I know what I am in for. There are red flags and he is only 10. But, he deserves the same chance at a good life as his mother did – SO onward ……
Milo,
I’m glad you found some perspective in my words. I know that putting a name on something gives you more power over it. It ceases to be a WTF? moment and becomes more of an AHA! moment.
The way that spaths target their parents and other “role models” never ceases to blow my mind. It’s like their identity is still wrapped up with the parent. As if they haven’t separated their ego from the parent.
My spath sister is that way with her attachement to my mom, and she does some of that with me too. She has always copied everything I do. She is 3 years younger and seemed to idolized me all my life. She wore her hair, clothes and makeup exactly like I did. She even tried to pluck her eyebrows the same way and it looked dorky on her because she has different shaped eyes and she doesn’t understand “the look”.
But at the same time that she was trying to “be me” she was trying to “get power over me”. From age 1, she learned to manipulate my mom to punish me for no reason. She got her to force me to do her homework. Now that she has married the spath-trojan horse cop, she has tried to destroy me in conjunction with the exP.
All this points to envy. They see us and we appear to them as something they want to be. But of course with a narcissist, there can be only one, so we have to be destroyed.
They are such stupid 2-dimensional beings that they can’t figure out that once we are destroyed, they won’t have anyone to copy. They lack the ability to comprehend that time changes things, and they won’t stay frozen in one state forever and they will need someone else to copy.
so so so sickening.
Dear Lesson learned,
I am a bit confused about your son that you are having so many problems with—I got the idea from some of your earlier posts that things were more or less “hunky dory” with your kids that were living at home now since the son of yours who was the sex offender (now reformed and living away from home) had become a “good kid,” so I am a bit confused about all this “sudden” acting out of the son you had been saying was doing so well and that you were talking to about your x being gone and he was all happy with that, etc.
If you are afraid of this son, and he is stealing etc. you are more or less in the same situation that Witsend was with her son who is now 19 and out of her home, but at the time he was 16 and the school and the authorities would do nothing to help her.
If your son is acting out violently, I suggest that you contact the police and or CPS yourself tomorrow after you talk to the school. I’m not sure how other states operate and I think they operate differently, but in my state a child can be removed from the home when they are dangerous or threatening to the parents or the family, or the school.
You are right, you can NOT “make” him do anything. The only reason any of us as parents or teachers can ‘control” kids is because THE KIDS LET US CONTROL THEM….if a kid, like an ox realizes their strength and chooses to exercise it, we can NOT control them. Period.
Milo – caring people like you (and countless others) are the backbone of our society. I congratulate you on raising your son and for ‘taking on’ your daughter’s child. The thing with empaths is that we always give people the benefit of the doubt and like to give everyone a chance to be a good person. Wishing you and your grandson all the best for the future. With the benefit of what you have gained from this site you will be streets ahead of the game.
Ox,
Yep, youngest son and yep, blah blah about the ex, that’s the kid. I was being MANIPULATED!!! And I BOUGHT IT! Who wants to believe their kid is THAT abusive? It wasn’t until I heard from his gf’s mother yesterday that I started putting everything together. He had also been LYING to me about what was going on at school. And the school NEVER called me about this MOST ALARMING incident!!!
The only thing that has been “honest” with him is that his grades have improved immensely. My other son is doing great. He is CONSISTENT and DOESN”T lie to me.
I’m PISSED OFF that my son LIED to me. MANY MANY LIES that I”m finding out about now.
Granted, I put the blinders on. I LET him manipulate me, when all the while he was LYING to me. Sneaking behind MY BACK.
Well, I think we both know that LYING is NOT going to work here.
So now what to do. That remains to be seen.
There is no longer any “confusion” on my part with regards to my youngest son.
Ox, if there is an incident here to which he becomes VIOLENT, I WILL NOT HESITATE to contact the police. I almost wish he WOULD be so that he could be “CONTAINED” for awhile, or at least get the help he needs. I’m also LIVID that this kind of VIOLENCE was displayed by him towards his girlfriend at SCHOOL and they DID NOTHING ABOUT IT!!!!!!
He has them manipulated too!!
I can’t believe what I”m finding out about now.
**shaking head**
I put up with two abusive relationshits, combined for 27 years. I’m NOT goign to put up with it from my son.
LL
Dear LL,
I’m also guilty of the same thing from both my biological kids….the P one and the ashehole one…until I finally set my foot down and drew the boundary in stone. NO LIES. NONE, NADA, ZIP, ZERO!
I’m not sure how old he is or what the incident at school was with his GF was, but at least now you are starting to become AWARE of what is going on. That is STEP ONE and the most important step because until you become AWARE you cannot ACT.
Accepting that the child you love is morphing into a STRANGE MAN YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW, MUCH LESS LIKE, LOVE OR TRUST, is a difficult place to be. I wish I could tell you this is going to be as “easy” as getting over the ex-POS but it won’t be.
Because teenagers who are arseholes CAN become okay people again….or even wonderful people…but the thing we have to realize is that just like the recognizing our own strengths thread, WE CAN’T CONTROL THEM IF THEY DON’T WANT TO BE CONTROLLED. Period.
Just like I have given up on rebellious oxen or horses because it wasn’t worth risking my life to try to “tame” them, there came a time I SHOULD have given up on my P-son and I didn’t…I kept on trying to “tame” him or think he had “tamed” himself, which was totally a malignant hope on my part and could have resulted in my own death if God had not protected me from my own stupidity! I know it is difficult to even think about reaching that point, but we have to realize that we can’t “control” anyone, even our own children and there comes a point when we have to protect ourselves and the rest of our children from the dangerous one.
Ox,
If it were not for all the reading I’ve been doing here and with books, I would have SHOVED THAT AWARENESS UP MY OWN ARSE!!!
I”m angry, but I’m also hurt and tired. My daughter was telling me this morning that EVERYONE in the house feels COMPLETELY stressed when he’s around and I understand that because I do too. There are these visions I get of him as a little boy and UGH!! IS THIS PAINFUL OR WHAT???? I CAN”T let those visuals DETER me from what I’m NOW looking at!!!!
THis is much different than it was with SO son. Perhaps that is part of the ability to ALLOW myself to become aware. My SO son’s situation was CLEARLY IN THE EXTREME in behaviors!! I was NOT going to allow one more victim, no matter what I had to do, INCLUDING REMOVING HIM FROM MY HOME. WHich I had to do. It was EARTH SHATTERING at the time, because I didn’t know what the outcome would be. He went through hard core treatment and is now an incredible person! We have our issues, but compared to what they were, it isn’t anything out of the ordinary and we LOVE having him here. He’s a changed man and I’m proud of him for having done the painful work that he had to to. ONE of the differences I’m seeing CLEARLY in what was my SO son, compared to this one is LACK OF EMPATHY. SO son HAD it, despite his behaviors, therefore, treatment had a better chance of working. I’m not sure about this one, Ox and i don’t get that feeling at all here. I may be wrong and I hope that I am, but I also understand that I might have to let him go too. And that he might not EVER return or become a good human being. I KNOW despite my own issues, my emotional deficiencies in having spent twenty seven years attending to the needs and wants of my exP and exPOS, that there are CONSEQUENCES! While healing is happening with the other children (possible N daughter I keep a degree of distance from, but still talk to), it is NOT happening with this kid. I KNOW that he knows the difference between right and wrong. I’ve dragged his ass to therapy and he manipulates the therapist. He blames ME for everything and takes not one OUNCE of responsibility for his actions.
He still doesn’t. It’s ALWAYS someone else’s fault but he blames either me or his anxiety or his ADHD for his issues. He makes MINOR changes but only to manipulate, NOT the ones that would really matter that would SHOW ME that he’s turning into a decent human being.
The incident at the school was that my son got pissed off at his girlfriend during lunch, threw his lunch tray at her and started screaming at her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF???????? Andn they did NOTHING? WHY? Because he was suffering from “ANXIETY”???
ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME????
Nuh uh. I cannot believe that they didn’t call me IMMEDIATELY, let alone the police first. He has THEM snowed. The principal called his gf’s mother to come pick up gf because she was distraught by this!! Her mother wants to pull her OUT OF SCHOOL because of my son and his presence!!
Well, guess what? No bueno. And they’re going to get a piece of my mind for something SO OUTRAGEOUS that needed to be dealt with immediately!! I also have a feeling that he frightens them too!!!
I don’t know what’s going to happen yet, or what I’m going to do but it’s going to be SOMETHING and the school is what i will deal with first.
But this hurts like living hell, it does. But I’m too damned tired to live through another hellacious battle with a spath or a potential one, even if it’s my own son. His father is FULL BLOWN P, and if it’s true that this is GENETIC< there may be NOTHING I can do about it. We shall see.
LL
Hi LL. Let’s step back from the line for a moment and I will explain to you what happened with my son. Son number 2. At 26 now a lovelier lad you could not wish to meet, and I am proud to call him my son.
Now I will re-wind about 12 years – nightmare. I am not excusing his behaviour but I tried to understand why it was happening. I had been very ill and my bi polar husband was not the easiest of people to live with. Our house was almost repossessed because my husband couldnot/wouldnot work.
Son 2 was having problems at school. The school would call me. He’d been disruptive, could I go and see the teachers? His behaviour was out of control, he would stand in front of me (he’s a tall lad) and shout at me to shut up. He’d stay in bed, out all night….you know the kinda thing. There was loads more but I will not go into too much detail at this point. Well at 16 we turfed him out. That has to be one of the hardest things
any mother has to do. I put his clothes in a bin liner and threw them out on the step.
The first night he slept on a park bench. I did find him a place at a naughty boys home but he was asked to leave cos they found him down a sewer pipe one day!
Anyway, they found him a flat and he got a job and although it’s taken him a long time to grow up FINALLY he gets it.
My heart broke in two when I threw him out but I knew it was the only way.
So I beg you do not give up on your son. You have been through a lot of stuff with your spath and your son has seen this, just as my son did. They think that it’s normal behaviour, it is NOT and they have to learn that.
Just thought I would throw this in as sometimes we get caught up in the spath thing.
Good luck.