Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Candy, you may not have “given up” on your kid, but you did some TOUGH LOVE and gave him consequences and let him take those consequences. I thought I was giving mine “tough love” and in someways I was, but in others I was letting him “snow” me and manipulate me, and I was FOOLING MYSELF that I wasn’t being manipulated. I was. Even when I saw there was NO (ZERO, ZIP NADA, NONE) HOPE I still maintained that illusion, that fantasy that the world would be wonderful when he got out of prison. Well, the one time he got out of prison, HE IMMEDIATELY started crimes again, ending with him killing a young woman AND GOING BACK TO PRISON.
I read, for the first time, the police reports from his arrest for the murder—the brief, concise and precise reports of how he had told others BEFORE HE KILLED HER that he INTENDED TO KILL HER. Then how he bragged to others about killing her, proud of it….and how he had postured as he talked about how he intended to kill her, jacking rounds in and out of a semi automatic hand gun that was illegal for him to have in his possession as a convict on parole, a complete violation of his parole and a crime in itself, but he had NEVER HAD ANY INTENTION of abiding by parole, or “going straight”—-he WANTED a life of adrenaline rushes and risk taking! He had no fear of any consequences. No impulse control. No conscience. No empathy. HE KNEW RIGHT FROM WRONG BUT DID NOT CARE.
Even as early as age 15 there were SERIOUS indications of all this, not just “normal” mouthy kid stuff…and yet I discounted how important it was. I gave him the benefit of the doubt over and over even when there was NO DOUBT.
Sure, it breaks your heart in two, but just “because he is my son” is NO reason to allow truly abusive behavior. I spent nearly 25 years of my life allowing abusive behavior from my sons because they were “family” and I spent my entire life allowing abuse from my egg donor as well….because she was my “mother” and you love your mother no matter what….well, there comes a time when you realize abuse is abuse is abuse is ABUSE and it doesn’t matter WHO is doing it, you have to say NO MORE!!!
Candy,
I do appreciate your input, however, if you will read my above post AGAIN, you’ll see that I’ve already dealt with the spectrum in “poor behaviors” to say the least, out of my children.
I did not and DO NOT give up on my children, as you can see with EX sex offender son, but most parents WOULD, wouldn’t they? He’s a marvelous young man today but there were SIGNS that he MIGHT be able to heal. I NEVER gave up on him, but was PREPARED to do so in the event that he DID NOT get well. He belonged in treatment/incarceration at the time and he would have GONE BACK had he offended again. Since he has been out of treatment, he has had a clarification at home with the brother he offended, as well as the rest of us. We also had a lot of family therapy prior to his release from treatment/parole. While I take credit where credit is due in NOT giving up on that son, this one is different.
His BEHAVIORS are markedly like is exP father’s. There are SIGNS that he MAY be a spath or becoming one. LACK OF EMPATHY, BLAME SHIFTING, LACK OF REMORSE, GUILT…KEY SIGNS
ANd if it is at all even REMOTELY truth that my son IS this, something will have to be done, well, either way, it has to be done, but if he is spath, Candy, if I have a MALIGNANT HOPE that he will suddenly turn a corner and miraculously get well, I’m screwing the REST of my children over who have had to deal with him. I’m now finding out how much abuse he has inflicted upon his brother who is BIGGER AND TALLER than he. He WON”T fight him. He doesn’t have the TOOLS to fight him because he is NOT that way.
I thank GOD for this site and the sharing of Mama Gem’s stories, ox’s stories, wit’s stories , and EB’s with Junior too, because i have learned A LOT by reading them. I’m convinced I would be thinking the same thing you are right now, if it weren’t for their stories that are similar to my son here in the SIGNS they are seeing or have in their children.
I love ALL of my children. I love this son too. But the abuse is just not something I CAN or WANT to do.
LL
Ox LL – I cannot even begin to imagine what you two have been through.
Sometimes I miss posts and I do not always have the full picture. Thank you for your posts and for summarising your situations.
Bringing up kids is hard work and when our kids show signs of their sperm donors actions it’s scary. Thankfully my situation turned out ok and for that I am eternally grateful.
LL – I sincerely hope things work out for you without too much grief.
Ox – Yes, absolutely right ‘tough love’
Candy,
I have a daughter that is strongly N geared. I don’t believe she’s full blown, but I do believe she exhibits traits. She is the mother of my two grandchildren. I’m okay if I keep a distance, getting close means trouble there. She is much like my spath father, but in a more verbally abusive way. I have seen her show kindness and empathy towards others, PROVIDING IT SERVES HER PURPOSES, but that’s the extent of it.
I have six children altogether. Three girls, three boys, respectively. S1 is the ex SO, S3 is the youngest and the one to which I am dealing with now.
S1 is doing well. That leaves four that are thriving, while two are not.
ONe worse than the other. Youngest son, come to think about it now through this new “awareness” was showing signs early on, I think, I’ll have to study up a bit more on that element with Lianne’s work, but I’m recalling things that were considered cute at the time, but maybe not so much now.
Candy, living with children that have these tendencies, whether they are full blown or not doesn’t come without LOTS of grief!!!
🙂
LL
LL – Good luck – with the knowledge you’ve gained here you have a head start. Well done.
Candy?- Thank GOD for that!
Thank you again, I didn’t think I would be posting here so soon again. Everything seemed clean cut. Is what happened, him really wanting to change and asking for help? Or is he just trying to manipulate now that he knows we’re leaving?
I found a 2bdrm apt for $350, I can actually afford that and get help with the state so we wont be cramped and miserable at my sisters, YAY!.
I found out in MI it’s illegal to give up parental rights and to not pay child support so that arrangement wasn’t going to work and I knew I needed to come up with something where he got to see the kids, but I knew they were safe, and I got child support, but didnt leave him flat broke..
So I offered my spath 1 day a week with the kids, supervised until he was in therapy, and if that went well we would go from there, in exchange to him agreeing to that, (In MI it is also legal if both parties agree to set the child support amount) So I told him he can set the amount and I would agree to it.
After that text, we started talking a little more. Back when he agreed he was a porn addict, he did so only until I found out more and got madder and left him, then he denied he was a porn addict and justified his actions.
So, yesterday I told him I didn’t want to wait on anything and get the divorce started on Tuesday, he seem shocked. I said…well you aren’t willing to admit you’re wrong and get help and you wont even admit that under 18yrs old is a child no matter how you look at it.
He can’t and won’t admit it because he doesn’t believe it’s wrong. So in my opinion he is immoral and I cannot be with him for that reason alone, all the other MAJOR reasons aside.
So in talking I asked him if he wanted a divorce and to cut ties completely, or if he had any intentions of changing his mind and getting some help. He said there’s too much hurt out there and divorce is the best option. I agreed and went out to bed.
-THIS IS WHAT IM GETTING TO-
SO, this morning before he leaves for work, I wake up to him looking at me across the room. I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep but he had some things to say.
He said that he has let his pride get in the way of the truth. He knows it’s wrong, that anything under 18 is wrong. He said he would get help and that he didnt want the divorce. That he loves and misses me. That he is a porn addict and wants help (therapy) (the other day he was explaining to his friend how there was no way he was a porn addict because he doesnt have the MAJOR probs of one like spending $100’s on porn dvd’s and such) so….then I said yeah whatever, you’ll say anything to keep me now that you know I’m gone. He said, if YOU had an addiction I wouldn’t leave YOU all alone with it. I would stay and help you get better.
I pretended to ignore most everything he was saying until I could talk to you guys, I want to know what you think. If he is a sociopath (and I’m positive that he at least has sociopathic tendencies), anyway, if hes a sociopath this is OBVIOUS manipulation and I see right through it, waiting until the day before the divorce petition, waiting until I have an apartment lined up, and THEN saying everything I want to hear…..it seems too little too late for me to be hearing all this now. I dont know….
OR, was he really just embarrassed, in denial and letting his ‘pride’ get in the way? I don’t know….I’m extremely skeptical at this because of the timing, but if he went to therapy and myself as well, if there was any hope, I’d want to work it out. Neither of us have had the tools or knowledge to go about our messed up relationship the right way. I have put up with a lot of crap, but if he truly is finally learning I want to give him that opportunity to learn and grow.
Either way I am taking the kids and leaving. The only thing that made me happy about what he was saying, was that even if I do leave and divorce him he is going to try and get help.
I think if he does, and proves himself I could maybe go back….but thats a hard decision and only time will tell. It took so long to see through everything to the truth and GET OUT in the first place…would I ever want to go back even if he did get help? I have no idea. Anyway I just wanted to know what you guys think about what he said?
About the panties-he admits nothing about them, but from what I have read, if he were a porn addict they get behavioral problems and use things like that as props and dont see it as ‘my kids underwear’ or as ‘wanting to have sex with children’ they see it as a sexual object and no other attachment is there.
About the age of the content he was viewing, wrong, illegal, immoral, or not. In MI 16 is the legal age so there’s nothing I can do about that. The other stuff was cartoons, there’s nothing I can do about that either. It’s still a gray area on the legalities in MI on cartoon porn/hentai depicting children even though it’s disgusting and wrong.
I asked my kids if he’d ever done anything, with care, caution, and asking questions, they said no and I believe them. I’ve also never gotten any vibes that he was attracted to kids (young girls yes) and I have a huge problem with that because IMO, 16 is a little girl, and our daughter will be that age soon and then all of a sudden these young, sexually curious, inexperienced 16yr olds are going to be hanging around our home…just waiting for my spath to ‘get them’. Is how I see it happening.
Dear Strange,
IT IS MANIPULATION. DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD HE SAYS. He will say “get help” until you agree to stay then it is back to the “I’m not an addict.”
He is just like a drunk or a druggie, they promise and promise but the chances of him “changing” are SLIM TO NONE….you do not want your kids around someone who is continually “trying” but failing to give up smutty child porn. It doesn’t matter if he is a full fledged sociopath or just high in tendencies, he is TOXIC. You have kids to think about. Get the divorce and take care of you and the kids, if in 5 years he has completed a program and he is clean of porn, you can consider taking him back–but don’t hold your breath or keep up any toxic hope. If you give him “another chance” you will be right back here asking the same questions about giving him another chance in a few months. I can guarantee that. Don’t need a crystal ball to predict that outcome.
Strange, he’s trying to hook you back in. Don’t fall for it! Even if he was sincere, talk is cheap. If he is really sincere about getting help (which I doubt) he will do it with or without you in the picture. I would be willing to bet my left arm he has no interest in getting help. A real man would NEVER do anything to make his wife or children fear for their safety! And them to make excuses for it? It’s disgusting. You and your children deserve much better.
Personally, I would never trust a man like this, even if he were in treatment for 10 years!
Strange,
From what I’m getting from your post is that you’re “hedging” a little on following through with your plans, even though you’re telling yourself and us that you’re going to follow through on your plans.
He is so manipulating you, it’s not even funny…..well it’s NOT funny, it’s dangerous. EXTREMELY dangerous.
About treatment. Uh huh. Heard that one before. THREE DIFFERENT TIMES OUT OF EX P AND IT NEVER CHANGED…..do YOU want to stay another ten or fifteen years like I did and have your life and that of your children DESTROYED??? He doesn’t have to “molest” your daughters Strange, why do that when he could just do it to ONE OF THEIR FRIENDS. The porn is SYMBOLIC of a deeper issue, the many he is perplexed with.
Get out and don’t look back strange. It’s really up to you. You’re either going to stay or you’re going to go. Please don’t “invite” him to converse with you about what to do or how to do it. Or to ask him what he wants to do. Just keep silent and do it.
If he’d wanted to change and he meant it, he would ALREADY HAVE DONE IT.
If this is something you think you want to really hold onto (GOD I HOPE NOT!), then get your divorce and let him “weather” through his therapy. I can almost guarantee that he won’t do it and if he does, it will be VERY short lived, just enough to try to hook you.
Please just get on with it strange. I understand that it’s hard, but this isn’t just about you this is about your children and their safety and perhaps anyone who comes into their lives as well.
LL
OH BTW, Strange? My exPOS didn’t start saying weird shit about his daughter until she started developing. That was another HUGE red flag that I overlooked. He liked the young ones for sure
LL