Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Strange –
Many of the things you talk about remind me of my recent ex, the Superspath. His son lived with us between the ages of 8 and 12. His son stole my underwear and I found them hidden underneath his chest of drawers in his bedroom, along with porn magazines (I was cleaning the room). He was 12 at the time.
Not only did I have serious abuse and infidelity issues with the Superspath (violent, lying, threatening, using prostitutes, orgies, porn addiction, stealing money, etc, etc.) but I also lived in fear of his son, who was bigger than me, had already threatened violence toward me on one occasion when I grounded him and who had sexualised me (his stepmum) and was watching me shower through a peep hole he had contrived into the bathroom.
Superspath refused to deal with any of these issues – his or his son’s.
My decision was that I would divorce him. I told him to come and talk to me again once they had both had the medical and psychological treatment that they each needed to live normal, non-abusive lives. I told him that if he could “make good”, then I would consider a reconciliation.
The result was that he initially went along with the plan, then after a few weeks, the masked dropped and the REAL person was revealed – and has remained in full view ever since, making my decision to sever all contact easier to bear.
The venom and the vitriol has continued unabated for more than 3 years now. No therapy attended, no help sought and no acknowledgment now that any help is needed – he thinks – and says – that there is nothing wrong with him.
My advice to you? Offer him a similar solution that appears on the surface to be a “compromise” that takes you both into account. Then get yourself and your kids right away from him and keep your distance in every possible way. Time will tell one way or the other – in the meantime, you will all be much safer and less stressed than you are now.
Dear Butterfly,
I don’t remember your story or your previous name, but I’m glad that you are back here, and I encourage you to read and read and learn. I’m not sure how old your son is, or how many other children you have etc. As for your parents turning against you and siding with your X—I’ve been there, at least with my egg donor turning against me…and both of my biological sons, the P one and the Non-p one. It happens, and sometimes there is nothing we can do.
Knowledge is power, and we have to take back our power to take care of ourselves. To validate ourselves even when we feel like or it looks like we have lost everything except our lives. God bless.
sweetbutterfly,
I remember you (momoftwingirls, having looked the data up, scrolling up the page). You have twin daughters, your teenage son (he is not ex-spath’s child) living with your parents. Your girls are the ex-spath’s children. If I remember correctly, the ex-spath is a minister who has remarried, right? Does his wife know what he’s up to – I’m wondering is she could help you in any way, getting him to stop harassing you? Have you consulted a lawyer, informing the lawyer about the ex-spath’s antics, getting advice on how to proceed in connection to this disordered person?
Dear Butterfly,
Okay, I think I am remembering something about your story…but not many of the details..I can only say that you are NOT alone, there are many of us here who have been “ganged up on” by the spaths and even our own families…the very people we think would support us. I wish I could tell you what to do to ease your pain, but except for finding some counseling and an attorney I don’t know what else to say. I wish I did.
Keep on reading here and learning about them, and learning about how to heal yourself. M. L. “Louise” Gallager’s posts might be helpful to you…and Kathleen Hawk’s as well. Read and learn because ultimately knowledge gives us power. (((hugs))) and my prayers for you and your children.
Wow. It hurts me very much just to read your story. For weeks I have been trying to deal with my own frustrations, hurt, etc over my situation and am slightly ashamed of myself and my own pity party after reading yours. I had been in a relationship for 7 years with a sociopath. We had a baby girl and we left when she was 4 weeks old after a not so unusual violent rampage. We have been apart for over a year and for the past year he has used just about every tactic imaginable to try to get me back, digging in every part of my life to find a reason to make me an ’unfit’ mother so he could take our child, even making things up and trying to trick me and/or tempt me into doing things that he could use against me, going as far as calling my boss, attempting to trick her by befriending and telling her terrible things(lies) about me, into giving him information about me that he could use in his schemes, all of his schemes causing me even more fear and suspicion and forcing me to push him even further from myself and my daughter. After deleting all contact with him he filed for custody through court, his intention was only to seek visitation but of course he would rather let me think otherwise. After realizing the fact that there was nothing, legally, that I could do about the fact that my child’s father is a sociopath” and after speaking with his ex-wife, who is still on occasion, tormented by him with intimidating emails (carefully written to not be construed as harassment)” after finally accepting the things that I have refused to see honestly for so many years” I did become a little crazy” psychotic even, and after actually beating him at his own game, then watching him make a complete ass of himself in court, then getting his agreement to never again pursue custody or visitation and give up all rights”. I feel that I should be so grateful” to have the opportunity of a lifetime, having a chance to start new without that demon constantly trailing me and scheming. I am having a very hard time getting over the anger and hurt and just moving forward. The more people tell me to just forget and move on, the more irritated I get at them; the more I try to do or say to get rid of the emotion, the crazier I make myself look; the more I let it take up space in my head and time out of my life, the angrier I am at my ex and I guess I’m just angry with myself for being so stupid for so long. I made the mistake of thinking that by emailing him some of my ’final thoughts’ might help me to get rid of some of this emotion. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. It only compelled him to call my Dad, asking him to check on me stating that he is concerned that I may be ’emotionally unstable’, sending my Dad to my place in a somewhat of a panic, humiliating me even more.
Dear Girl,
I hear you, and I understand your desire to “tell him off” and unfortunately that is the last thing you need to do. NO CONTACT, is the ONLY successful way to deal with these people.
And you probably ARE a “little crazy” right now, but WHO WOULD NOT BE under the circumstances, so CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK! It is OK to be a little bit crazy after what you have been through.
Now though that you have him out of your life, and out of your child’s life, it is time for you to start focusing on HEALING YOU….and part of that healing means that you need to LEARN ABOUT YOU, and to take care of YOU….and to FORGIVE YOU for getting involved with him in the first place.
You’ve been through a traumatic and dramatic series of events for quite some time, attacked on every side….so you are hyper vigilant and STRESSED OUT….it will take time to get yourself back to normal again…but that’s okay. It is a JOURNEY, not a destination to healing.
I suggest that you get some counseling, if you don’t have insurance that will pay for it call your local domestic violence shelter and see if they have some groups that you can join.
GET SOME SUPPORT from others who understand, and stay away from those that don’t understand….it is okay that those people don’t understand, but right now you need people in your life who DO accept that you have been through a big trauma.
Don’t let the “humiliation” and “shame” of what has happened over come you…you have behaved abnormally but in an ABNORMAL SITUATION, IT WOULDN’T BE NORMAL IF YOU HADN’T. ((((HUGS)))) and GOD BLESS YOU!!!
girl4235,
Trying to express our feelings to a spath is wasted energy. I have talked to my ex-spath, trying to get him to see what the _ell he has put me through – what I realized is that he (and they’re all the same) literally could not comprehend what I was talking about. It’s unbelievable, I know. Their brains are disordered, being UNABLE to put themselves in another’s shoes, so they can’t grasp what we’ve experienced. Put your energy on yourself, somehow healing from the spath encounter.
girl,
Ox said, “Don’t let the “humiliation” and “shame” of what has happened over come you”you have behaved abnormally but in an ABNORMAL SITUATION, IT WOULDN’T BE NORMAL IF YOU HADN’T. ((((HUGS)))) and GOD BLESS YOU!!!
That is SO TRUE! (by the way Ox, that statement really helps me too!).
I had six children with my exP. He didn’t DARE cross me in the courts as he was already in a HEAP of shiat when we separated. Not a judge on the planet would have allowed my alcoholic, drug addicted, prison lovin ex, to take his six children even for UNSUPERVISED visits. Although I was amused when his new gf TRIED to get him to fight me in court for custody (she thought she could mother them better, this after she had abandoned her four children for him to live in another state-go figure), but she did manage to prevent him from paying child support, as she got him a job with her ex hubby doing construction…all under the table. I look back on all of that now and it was so traumatic, but now I’m glad it happened that way. That woman saved my ass in so many ways! When it came to REALLY anty up to ACTING the part of the responsible parent, vs. trying to control me, well, it all fell apart. Some spaths, especially those with new gf’s that have money and buy into the bullshit to back up his monumental pity stories (or his fam too), can make revenge on you a living hell. I feel SO BAD for some women here who have had absolute NIGHTMARE scenarios in sharing of custody.
Be easy on yourself. BE GOOD TO YOU right now, girl. You deserve that, as does your child. Just HANG ON TIGHT, stick to your NC, and work only through attorney’s, believing in YOURSELF and your resolve and hope that it all turns out okay.
Another thing…..work on you too, sweetheart. The biggest, most monumental mistake I ever made, that changed and altered the course of my life and that of my children, is that I walked out right of a marriage to a P, and into the path of another spath. Ten more years in hell.
Just take care of you and that precious cargo of yours 🙂
God Bless.
LL
Thanks so much, Oxdrover! It is such a relief to know that I’m not crazy, or at least I’m not the only one who’s crazy and it’s okay to be, temporarily. Lol. I know that everything you’ve told me to do, or suggested, is exactly what is right. But I need to be reminded frequently! I know what I have done that is not helpful and I have a hard time keeping myself from doing those things because I AM an emotional being I was not this way at all before all of this. After leaving him I felt relief. I was content and secure with my new baby and new life, on cloud nine, I suppose. I was able to very quickly shrug off or ignore all of his attempts to take my peace and sanity until I got the custody papers and was forced to get honest with myself. Before then, it was truly not my intention to keep him completely away from our daughter. I think I just knew that there was no way I would give in to his demands BECAUSE he threatened me with her. The more he tried, the more afraid and suspicious I was of him. He wants all or nothing, his way or no way. Once I got honest with myself about him, realizing all that he has done and how badly messed up his son is (the only one that raised and still has contact with, out of 3), I think I talked to way too many people; lawyers, family, other professionals”. And I couldn’t seem to make any of them understand there was no way in hell I would ever allow him unsupervised visitation and all of their facts and criticism just made me crazy” from my sister telling me “I told you so, I’ve been trying to get you away from him for years”, “how could you not have seen it before?”, “you’re probably going to have to go into debt over this”(as if I even have the option of EVEN GETTING A LOAN! My credit is DESTROYED)”. “you’ll have to give him some kind of visitation”, and my attorney”“you’ll have a hard time getting supervised visitation even if he is a convicted murderer”(and that’s about the ONLY charge not on his record), “”drag out the court proceedings for as long as possible until he just gives up”(and I found that’s exactly what his ex wife did. He repeatedly filed motions and never showed for court just to mess with her). Some of the feedback I got from LEGAL PROFESSIONALS or so they claim, was as ridiculous as “possession is 9/10s of the law— “the first one to file has the upper hand”. Also, a few times over the past year I contacted or drove to the battered women’s shelter to try to get a protection order. The latest response I got from a woman there was “well, if he hasn’t physically harmed you in the last 90 days, and hasn’t threatened to kill you or other physical harm in the past 30 days”. Why are you afraid of him?” I just wanted to SCREAM!! I think one of my pitfalls is that I began to read way too much into EVERYTHING(And I’m a little TOO analytical already) Especially the things my ex would say. I had him all figured out, booted him out of my life, and now I’m left with myself, and my daughter, realizing what really just happened and what’s been happening all along, that I just kicked my child’s father PERMANENTLY out of her life and I have no clue who ‘myself’ is anymore. Lol. Part of me STILL wants to BELIEVE otherwise. And a very large part of me is angry at myself for allowing it for so long. I truly knew better. The day I met him, 9 years ago, I told him that I never wanted to see him again, that he reminded me to much of my ex-boyfriend. Then he pursued me FOR A YEAR, after our FIRST MEETING until I just finally gave in. I don’t know if I will EVER understand why I do such idiotic things.
And I have sought counseling, actually I’ve been in counseling for some time. When I brought this issue to him, he told me “Get over it, forget it, don’t let the past ruin the present and future, move on with your life!” I suppose I have a very hard time verbalizing or defending myself when it comes to him. I stopped trying to defend myself a LONG time ago because it only made each situation worse, even manipulating the police into thinking that I’m the one who is crazy!! For a very long time I just said NOTHING” everything I said only seemed to get me in trouble. Now when I say ANYTHING it comes out all wrong and I look like a madwoman!
Thanks Blujay! You’re absolutely right… I knew better even before I contacted him. I think part of me still hoped that I was wrong about him