Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Dear Girl,
Honey, believe me my family convinced the entire community that I was mentally ill, nuts-zo—NO ONE BUT THE SHERIFF believed me about the psychopath with the child molestation record a mile long. Him and one son (the other two were against me) and one friend and the sheriff…that was IT.
Yea, for a while I did look like the nut case, and even my therapist had me bring in a witness and documents after he heard my story to show him I wasn’t A NUT CASE IMAGINING THAT THE WORLD IS OUT TO GET ME—HELL THE WORLD WAS OUT TO GET ME!!!! LOL Even the lawyer I hired over the phone to represent me at my son’s parole hearing (to fight against the parole) thought I was a NUT JOB until he got my documentation and then he called me back to say “WOW!!! Your son is a DANGEROUS MAN!” I said “Yea, like I was TELLING YOU!” LOL
But my story is so crazy it sounds like a bad B movie plot that I don’t expect anyone to believe it–well outside of LF anyway. Because this sort of thing “doesn’t happen in real life.” Of course not! People don’t want to believe that this sort of thing happens next door, down the road—only on the news or in a far away place to people they don’t know. Somehow I think people watch the news stories of murder and m,ayhem but don’t get the REALITY OF IT…it is too much like a movie plot…too unreal because it doesn’t effect their lives or people they KNOW.
Lesson Learned,
It’s funny you mentioned what you did about jumping from one spath relationship to another. I’m still trying to figure out how to get and keep the “victim” or “vulnerable” stamp off of my forehead. lol. In fact, I VERY recently booted another male from my life for something he probably thought was very innocent, but to me was the beginning of another long, miserable emotional rollercoaster that I can’t go back to.
I feel terrible as well for many mothers whose scenarios are so much worse. I truly can’t fathom the hurt, frustration and fear that they have no choice but to cope with every day, and indefinitely. I had been spending a lot of time with one of my own family members, for one, who is experiencing the pain of losing her teenage child, watching him fight a painful, losing cancer battle for a couple years. He is still fighting, and it has been his choice to continue fighting, but hanging by a thread. I mostly just ’listened’ when she wanted to vent because she really doesn’t have anybody else to support her, even family. I think that most people back away because they can’t DO anything to help and nobody will just listen, and accept that she is grieving, without telling her what she needs to do to ’get over it’ and ’move on with her life’, or avoiding her because ’it’s too depressing’. I feel awful for her and even more ashamed to admit that I haven’t spoken to her lately because I’ve had my head too far up my own a$$.
Dear FAD,
We know jerkface is a dork—right? And that he has GOT TO BE CREATING DRAMA–that’s what he does, otherwise you might not notice him. (yea, right!)
The problem is that if this is settled he will come up with something else to beef about—but at the same time—pick your battles! Maybe letting him “win” this one will throw him off for a while—not sure, it may make him worse! Who the hell knows with this man! I swear he isn’t even my X husband and I HATE HIM!!!!! No joke! I am so mad at him for the continual petty crap he does to you!!! (((hugs)))
I meant to add this too:
“As far as your concerns regarding Jr; I too have noticed Jr becoming increasingly aggressive over the past few months.
In addition to yelling at me, throwing his cup at me, or kicking me when I place him in time out, Jr has exhibited some unusual behaviors, which are of great concern to me.
From what I know of psychology, these are signs of stress and anxiety.
At this point, in the interest of Jr’s emotional/psychological health, I think you will agree that we need to seek the help of a Child Psychologist.”
Part of me is hesitant to mention the psychologist to Jerkface, but maybe it’ll make him think twice and Jr really needs it. Sometimes I don’t even recognize my own son.
Good move FAD! There’s nothing wrong with Juniior that another father wouldn’t cure! But maybe the psychologist can have some ideas, at least it would be a neutral person (hopefully) that would see through jerkface’s control issues. (((hugs)))
The last time I spoke with my ex privately, he informed me that he would do whatever it takes to destroy me, to ruin me and to “bring me down”. He also promised to destroy my relationship with our daughter. That conversation happened a few years ago, and since then I’ve done my best to fullfil my legal obligations while only communicating through email. What he does is send me long emails outlining all the horrible things I’ve done, which of course, are all lies. He has also started doctoring documents. Another example: He stands up our daughter and then sends an email saying that I denied access etc. He calls the police and tells him he is worried about her because I havent replied to his emails. How do I protect myself from this psychological abuse/smear campaign? I’d like to block him completely and just have my lawyer deal with him, but they seem reluctant. ps. I do have two restraining orders that have expired but neither of them were effective at stopping him, despite my attempts at reporting the violations. Police seem reluctant when physical abuse isnt the issue.
Sadie,
Look into Our Family Wizard. It can help keep the communications “just about business.” It also proves when communications are read.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2010/03/15/our-family-wizard-can-help-you-co-parent-with-a-sociopath/
Dear Sadie,
I suggest that you keep all his e mails (print them out and keep in a safe place like a bank vault.)
I suggest that you get your lawyer to make the pick up and drop off of your daughter at the local POLICE STATION….so that when he does NOT SHOW up and you are there, that you have witnesses that he is lying…..
He is obviously lying and trying to cause problems, so you just make sure that he is unable to do so….
Do not respond to any of the “accusations” he puts in his e mails but KEEP THEM ALL….for evidence.
Then if this continues for a while, I would go back to court to put the shoe on the other foot. You would then have proof that you took your daughter to the police station to meet him, and HE DID NOT SHOW UP….so you have proven that his LIES ARE LIES….
Good luck. Also, I suggest that you go on to Dr. Liane Leedom’s blog “parenting the at risk child” which is linked here on the blog roll and get some information from her about how to parent with a psychopath, it will hopefully give you some ideas and support that is specific to your problems. ((((hugs)))) and God bless.
Thanks for the suggestions. I’ve been thinking about the FamilyWizard…. I’m wondering what your thoughts are regarding FamilyWizard. My ex has essentially abandoned our child- he can see her supervised but refuses to (it is apparently all my fault etc..). I believe his smear campaign is because he has to try to look like the victim to the people who help financially support him. Is the familywizard good for a family with a parent who doesnt even physically SEE the child?
Sadie,
Family Wizard tracks all communication between the parents. It’s best if the judge orders that all communications go through the Family Wizard. It often gives the uncooperative parent enough rope to hang themselves.
If your ex has abandoned your child, count your blessings. Your objective should be to have as little contact as possible between him and the child. If he is walking away, let him go.