Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Dear Sadie ~ What Donna just posted above: “If your ex has abandoned your child, count your blessings.” She is right. You don’t realize how lucky you are!
My stepson lives with his sociopath mother. He is almost 16, and is beginning to show signs of following in her footsteps. He has learned the art of lying while looking a person straight in the eye. He also plays his mother’s manipulation game. He cons her into allowing him to do exactly what he wants to do. Since he does not live with us, he has a front row seat to his mother’s manipulations of his stepfather, and anyone else nearby.
My husband and I do our best to provide the most “normal” family that we possibly can. We only have him with us on the weekends. Sometimes he’s allowed to stay overnight for 2 nights, but mostly only 1. That just isn’t enough time… It’s frustrating as can be.
Again, I agree with Donna’s advice. “If he’s walking away, LET HIM GO.”
My daughter got to the small town to which I escaped, saw how small it was, and insisted on going back to her father’s. She started failing school, saying, “I’ll flunk out unless you let me go to Dad’s.”
I was married to her father for 25 years (still am, actually). He raped my youngest sister a number of times over the years, counting on her love for me keeping her from ever telling. He gave our niece (same sister’s daughter) a drink and tried feeling up her leg. He asked a friend of our nephew for a kiss. And those are just the teen girls. The stuff he has done with grown women would take me a loooong post.
I agreed to let my daughter go to her paternal grandmother’s, but when she got off the plane, her father took her instead. He says the school assigned to his mother’s address is scary and inferior – and it IS a valid point. I did not, however, agree to have her live with him. He scares me more than B* High School does. Also, I still have another address on my driver’s license. She could live with her grandmother, we could register her from my address (the one on my license – I am actually on the other side of the country), and she could go to a good school with her paternal grandmother just having to drive her every day.
I am seeing MAJOR sociopathic tendencies in my daughter. I won’t go into details here, because it’s long, but I am really frightened.
And how do I know if he has molested her?
Should I call CPS? Should I tell his mother why I insist she be the one to take my daughter? The thing is that my daughter is seventeen, going into her junior year. I am not going to be able to have a custody battle – a seventeen year old, I’m told, gets to live with the parent she wants to. She mostly relates to her father, considers me weak and pathetic because of how he beat me down those last few years.
Any advice would be appreciated.
What would actually HAPPEN if I called CPS? Anyone know?
Also, she is well aware of what her father did to her aunt and her cousin. She just prefers the school where she is, and for good reason. Also, Daddy provides her with a car (surprise!).
Finally, on another thread I was advised about the innocent spouse clause regarding a tax matter. I am happy to report that I called the I.R.S. yesterday and an “innocent spouse form” should be iin my hands within ten days. Thank you!
Dear Won’tgetfooledagain,
The thing is that with your daughter being 17, it is unfortunately out of your hands…for better or worse she is pretty close to being “independent” and a fight isn’t going to get any cooperation from her.
Even normal teenagers rebel during this stage and ones with manipulative tendencies start to “flourish” in those manipulations and dysfunctional behavior.
Having raised a psychopath offspring of my own, and one who is also dysfunctional though not a psychopath, I think the best thing you can do for YOURSELF…if to recognize that there is NOTHING YOU CAN REALLY DO ABOUT THIS….your daughter and husband are in control and ARE GOING TO DO WHATEVER IT IS THAT THEY WANT and that you are unable to change the outcome.
With your daughter being the age she is I wouldn’t give up on her yet, but I would just say “I don’t agree with what you and your dad are doing, but you are 17 and I am going to back off and let you make your own decisions, even if I do not agree with them.” But also make it clear to her that the CONSEQUENCES of those decisions are hers and his as well.
Any financial support I would give her after the day she turns 18 would be based on college attendance and grades as well as a respectful and truthful attitude toward you. Good luck and God bless.
Thanks again, Ox Drover
Hello all,
First let me say I am so thankfull I found this web site 6 months ago. It has provided me with so much knowledge and has given me strength during times I thought were hopeless and I felt so alone.
Thank you.
I’m hoping someone out there can give me some insight/advice on what to do. The past couple years have been nothing short of horrible..in fact there are no words to properly express them. The same things as many others have had, financial devastation, lies, physical and emotional abuse, the feelings of complete insanity at the hands of my ex spath.
I currently have a 7 year restraining order against my ex which has been in place for 6 months. We were never married
but have 1 child together who is now 7 months old (he is not on the birth certificate) My ex has not been in the picture with respect to the raising or any financial aspects of my child. The day after the restraining order was served (6 months ago) my ex filed a paternity suit- out of anger. I obtained an attorney which was very expensive and stressfull and we did everything by the book. He did nothing, coplied with no court orders, has not even completed the required anger management and mental health evalution he was ordered to do within 30 days (6 months ago). Well I believed he was gone..well he actually came to trial. Yes the hatred and venom was still in his heart.?. He was awarded court supervised visitation with my child one hour, once a week. This will last 12 weeks after which this entire thing will need to be reviewed. Hence more court dates, more stress and money for attorney fees on my end. This will never end. This of coarse causes him no pain or stress. He was orded to pay my court fees and child support. I know I will never see a penny…and frankly dont care.
He lied in court and said he was unemployed, he lied, and lied, and lied.
After the trial I asked my attorney when this would end and she told me her suggestion although I wouldnt like it would be to move states. This is ironic considering he is not even a US citizen.
My question is when is it time to give up, except the pain and injustice and just move on, while its still possible. I do not want more attorney fees, court dates and pain. I need to focus on myself and raising my child, finding a job and re-establishing my life again after everything he stole from me both financially and emotionally. I need and want to be a good mother and person. I want happiness again.
I could hire a PI to prove his lies and instability but that wouldo only cause me pain, deter my focus from my life and cause more financial loss. Furthermore and most importantly it steals the energy I have to give to my child.
What should I do when he doesnt care. He wont stop. If hasnt yet he never will as long as it doesnt require any energy or money on his end. He still has his life.
Do I fight or focus? This should be the same but I am beginning to see a different perspective. This should be a simple question but it isnt, not with him.
Please provide some insight. Thanks
Dear Coping,
If you can move states and get away from him and get him out of your life I would do it. Here is why.
1) you know he is only doing this to your child to mess with/hurt YOU
2) as the child gets older the child will be hurt more
3) there is NO benefit to you or the child to stay under continual stress, both financial and mental
4) I would go to Dr.. Leedom’s blog Parenting the at riskk child and get some advice on raising this child. Genetically the child is already at risk, with contact with this man as well, the child has another strike against their life.
Whatever you can do to get away from this man and keep your child away from him—a 7 year restraining order and yet some stupid judge gives him visitation rights—DUH! Tallk about stupid.
Move to another country if it is what it takes to keep this man out of your kid’s life would be my suggestion…un less he is here illegally and you can get him deported.
Good luck and God bless you and your child.
This is my first to do try a blog, so bear with me. 🙂
I believe my daughter is with one of these people and I can’t help her! She is 26 and has a 6 month old baby with this guy. She has only known him for around 17 months.
He is supossedly out of the country, since the baby was 4 days old, running in an athletic event. I have gone to the websie of this event and have not seen him yet.
He doesn’t use his real name. He has been in prison. He told me he would kill her dogs. He asked me why ‘babies born with handicaps aren’t just killed at birth, what kind of life is that?’
I don’t know what to do. Every time I try to talk to her about him, I say things about him that make her mad and she defends him.
She got back in contact with her ex boyfriend, when I found out I contacted him. We stay in contact because he wants to help her but she wants to stay until babydaddy returns because ‘he will respect her for it.’
Any advice for a mom of a victim?
Ii forgot to add, she lives in California and I live in New Mexico. I work and have three sick people in my family I also have to care for and deal with so traveling back and forth isn’t really an option.
Dear Daisymom,
Welcome to Love Fraud, and I ithink from your description you are RIGHT about this guy. Your daughter is totally HOODWINKED, like someone in a religious cult is hoodwinked and fooled, there is no way you can get through to her. In psychology it called a Trauma Bond or Stockholm syndrome and it is where the abuser makes the victim “bond” to him/her and they totally lose their reason and ability to see the truth.
I feel for both you and her X BF, but mostly for her child, because her child also has the genes of this man and some personality disorders (that sounds like what he has) have some strong genetic links.
Just hope he never comes back….and he may never. Or he may just show up from time to time for a little while then leaving again.
Hopefully, he will not return or will move on to his next victim. You talked about how he said babies that are born handicapped should be killed at birth, I am assuming that your daughter’s child is handicapped ((??))) so if that is the case, maybe he will move on away from your daughter.
In the meantime, there are some books that may be helpful to you. One is Trauma Bond by Patrick Carnes, which should help you understand what your daughter is going through….but in the meantime, keep on reading here and learning, and just keep the communication lines open between you and your daughter so that she does not completely shut you out. I think eventually he will move on and dump her (especially if the baby is not “perfect”) so maybe you have a chance to get through to her at some point and then she can learn for herself. It is what we all have to do is learn for ourselves. NO ONE CAN RESCUE US no matter how much they love us, just be there to support us when we crash. God bless you, Mom, and your daughter is gonna need you. (((hugs))))