Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Daisymom ”“ Welcome to LF. I’m so sorry that your daughter has been targeted by a spath. My son was targeted by a woman, it affected him greatly.
’He is supossedly out of the country, since the baby was 4 days old, running in an athletic event’ ”“ chances are ”“ he has another woman on the go. They all do.
’He doesn’t use his real name. He has been in prison’ ”“ this is a huge red flag.
’He told me he would kill her dogs’ ”“ this is a warning to you to keep you in your place. It’s his way of controlling you (with threats)
’Every time I try to talk to her about him, I say things about him that make her mad and she defends him’ ”“ when my kids tried to tell me about spath I would not listen. I almost lost my kids. What was I thinking?! She is trauma bonded to him and it takes some doing to break that bond.
You want to help her (naturally) ex BF wants to help her”..but she has to WANT to be helped. She WILL get to that point”..eventually.
Just be as supportive as you can. Set your boundaries and STICK by them.
Thanks y’all!!
The baby is actually perfect!!! I work with handicapped kids and have a friend with a daughter that has multiple handicaps. My kids were raised with her so my daughter has pics of her around.
My daughter lives in an apartment that he subleases. So I do believe he will be back. But, thank God, she has roommates, so maybe it won’t be too bad unless he pulls same thing with them.
She has to text him every time she leaves the house, when she gets to her destination, he tells her what to take a pic of baby in front of to prove she is there. Then she has to text when she leaves and text when she gets back home and take a pic of baby at home.
I went to CA when baby was born and that’s when he told me about the dogs and prison. After they went home he was yelling at her and calling her names in front of me and I spoke up and he said I was ruining ‘their family’ aura and karma and I needed to leave. I told him “I am their family!” He said he is now. I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to see her or the baby unless I apologized to him. Well, that sure didn’t happen!!! I WILL NOT be controlled!! He was not happy.
She says she will leave when he comes back in September but she wants to tell him face to face. I’m afraid she will be a statistic in a police file if she does that.
Her ex is willing to get her an apartment but she won’t go. He did get her an emergency phone in case hers gets taken away and she did accept that.
It is just sooooo hard to watch her go through this! He has beat down her self-esteem so bad. She is beautiful and smart and funny but the light is gone from her eyes….
He also gave my beautiful grandson a name that he will be made fun of for his whole life. It is a name he will have to live up to and not everyone is an athelete. He woldn’t let my daughter give him her last name either, so his is a made up name. But, thank God again, he won’t put his name on birth certificate because he doesn’t want anyone to know his real name.
daisymom:
Oh, so sorry. This all sounds like a nightmare that is going to be very difficult to escape from. I don’t have any great advice…just support for you here. Hugs.
Dear Daisy Mom,
Well, him not putting his name on the Birth certificate is a GOOD thing, but it sounds like he is keeping your daughter in SLAVERY…she is definitely “trauma bonded” like a slave….bless your heart and her’s too.
The baby’s name can be LEGALLY changed, especially if your daughter wants to, or he can go by a Nickname or “initials” like B. J. Smith instead of Blow Job Smith.
God bless you and your daughter and her child. Keep the lines of communication open with her, hopefully he will move on to some one else.
I totally agree his name not being on the birth certificate is good. I’m just hoping that he doesn’t change his mind when he finally returns. I did ask her if she wanted his name on the BC, she said “not really, just in case.” I know that she does kinda see what is going on by some of the little things she says. I believe with all my heart that he has threatened her, threatened to take the baby, threatened us and/or all of the above. They live in Los Angeles and if he did ever take the baby I think he would be VERY hard to find!! 🙁
My daughter and I are close but we were closer. I told her when I left California that if 48 hours goes by without hearing from her I would call the police and report her as a missing person. I didn’t want to give her another ultimatum but I felt like it was for her safety at the time. She does keep in touch and sends pics of the baby regularly. Not sure if that will continue once he’s back. She did tell him I would call the police if I didn’t hear from her. She got yelled at for that but he doesn’t want the police around and I think that is why she was ‘allowed’ to keep in touch.
It’s really nice to be able to come on here and vent/talk about everything that is happening. Usually when I talk to people about it they just say, “Why doesn’t she just leave?” I explain to them that it is a form of ‘brainwashing’ and she believes that he will be nice next time, that he is sorry for what he’s done and that he will be a good father to her child. They just don’t understand.
Thanks for listening!!
Daisymom,
so sorry for what you are experiencing. Before the spath gets back, get your daughter some books to read. Sociopath next door, is one that I really like, and Why is it always about you is another. Also, “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry men” Those are my recommendations, others here will have more. Books about relationships with narcissists are so cathartic. She needs to know that she can’t leave him face to face. That is too dangerous. I was an idiot and ignorant before age 25, but each time I left the spath, it was always when he was gone. Even an idiot like me could tell that it wasn’t going to work any other way. When you have someone THAT controlling, they DON’T just let you walk away. spaths have an ENORMOUS FEAR OF ABANDONMENT. It is a narcissistic injury that can never be repaid except with your utter destruction. My spath planned it out in 1991 when I left him. But then I came back. I can see now that the years in between up to 2009, were all planned and calculated to drain all my money and destroy me. It wasn’t enough to just kill me. He needed to OWN my body and soul. That’s how spaths think. They all think that way. Give her all the information she needs, quickly, before he gets back. Read the books yourself and make sure she reads them. Do everything you can to educate her. Information is our salvation.
Daisymom – the only thing that worked for my son was to get him right away without her knowing. Even then she tracked him down. So we moved him again, and again and again. NO CONTACT was the only way. We bought him a new mobile, new computer (blocked her) did not put his name on anything that could be traced.
Leaving is a very dangerous time (especially with the baby) this is the point when most people are killed. I give you this information because you are dealing with a very deranged person (spath) Statistics here show that 200 people are killed every year in DV. I do not want to frighten you but this is the reality of the situation.
When she is ready (and she will be sooner or later) get her as far away as you can. NO CONTACT is absolute. She must NEVER say where she is. She will need to run, hide and stay well hidden from him FOREVER.
Good idea BTW that if you do not hear from her you will call the police. Google Stockholm Syndrome.
Hi Perplexed, all of that touchy feely stuff – it meant nothing to HIM. It meant everything to you because you can FEEL, he can’t. It was all a ploy by him to keep you hooked. It’s a hormone thing – keeps us wanting more.
Daisy mom,
I am gonna “guess” some here—my guess is that he has another woman (wife?) stashed away somewhere and he is a CONTROL FREAK. The things I am basing this on are him being gone 6 months to some athletic event? The continual control of your daughter’s movements with her having to text him when she leaves the house and then take piCtures to PROVE where she is….total CONTROL. So based on this, my guess is that he will become a dangerous STALKER when she leaves because of the control issues, the OWNERSHIP ISSUES. He feels like he OWNS her and the baby is simply a tool to use to control her and you.
I don’t know if you can get her to agree but FACE TO FACE is the LAST PLACE she needs to tell him she is leaving.
In order to stay hidden she must not have anything rented in her name or owned—car apartment or utilities, and her drivers license must give an address (like yours) ditto car insurance in your name etc. She should go to a state where she can get the baby’s name AND HER NAME legally changed. She must not contact ANYONE who knows him or even knows anyone who knows him. To be on the really safe side she should not let ANYONE except you know where she is or her new name, she’s going to have to put herself into “witness protection” essentially because any guy that is THIS CONTROLLING IS DANGEROUS.
Daisymom, I’ve been stalked…and if he gets out of prison, I will be again…maybe before, as he was in prison the last time he sent someone to stalk me, fortunately the man was arrested. My stalker is my own son and he thinks he owns me…and everything I own. They don’t give up when they are really controlling. I’m not trying to scare you, but point out that this kind of psychopath, this control freak type ARE dangerous, so CAUTION, but not terror, is the name of the game. (((hugs))) and my prayers.