Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
SP in KC…
I read your blog as well as WHOamI…..and Im trying to do the same thing….paper trails…I will not speak with him…but insist on written communication..in which He does not respond!!! Its fine with me….as it doesant hurt me..it will hurt him in court…but he doesnt respond regarding support he is behind in all he does is keep filing to lower it and not work ….
sp in kc
“The other thing I want to add is that WhoAmI is absolutely correct in what they are saying about winning a sociopathic court battle. You MUST use their own mental disability against them, but you CAN win, because they are utterly predictable. Sociopaths lie constantly about everything, even when there is absolutely no reason to do so. The more you document, the better your chances of getting custody.”
And how right you be!
The old saying applies to them so much it’s scary at times…
“Give them enough rope and they will hang themselves”
As for predictability, I can sometimes almost set my watch to it. Really they are that predictable…
James…Im just trying to get a grasp around USING it against them…so far he has lost eachtime..and now I am documenting everything ..by logging and sending emails….I dont know how much to document and how far to push it as he hasnt responded to ANY of it..he seems to think he is going to skate in and ride thru this and have a judge lower his support and win and doesnt care about the fact that he hasnt paid anything just that he wants the court to believe he is broke….so do I continue with the emails…as I am doing what WhoAMI has done…asking him to call his son…please send money…blah blah blah…and no response at all
They are Very much like children the more a child believes they can get away with the more the child will test the limits. Funny in a way but as parents we learn to predict what our child might do whenever we set limits or expectations like taking a bath for example. We ask them to take a bath
“did you take your bath”
“yes mom”
“then son was is the tub still dry?”
“okay okay I didn’t take a bath cauz I don’t need one!!!”
“yes you do now go and take a bath right this minute young man!!!”
Just like children they will two things.
First tell a story (lie)
and then tell you they “don’t need too” (fight about it)
Whenever my ex s/p was fighting with my oldest son, it look more like brother and sister fighting. Both acting immature and only feeding the fire. I can’t tell you how many times I had to tell her to act like a parent. What person has to tell an grow person to act like one?
We do…
Endthepain, I wanted to give you my two cents worth, although it isn’t by any means a legal advise. Since you have sent him e-mails he had not responded to, I’d stop sending them and continue to document lack of communication from him and lack of response to (so many) e-mails and (such and such calls that occurred on such and such dates. The more detailed you are the better. I have whole lot documented evidence and still feel it isn’t enough. We have to keep a tight line with respect to the harassment laws, but at the end of the day, I believe the psychopaths will show their face, like James said.
I was a bit disappointed that we can’t use the diagnosis to the extant we’ve unfortunately became aware of it. But, what I have done was go by each symptom and detail each behavior that responds to the symptom.
Let’s face it: our kids’ fathers are no fathers and will not financially support them. In the face of this battle, I think it’s best to hold on to the kid. Mine loves someone to take care of him. His girlfriend is fitting the bill now. Oh well, can’t win them all…
KATYA..thank you..yes I agree….I am not going to email anything…else ….I think the 6 that were sent petaining to my son regarding..support…court and visiation..is enough..especially with no response…..I don’t call him…and he called my son once in 3 weeks…I know he will be back here in ca. in 2 weeks and then we got to court on the 23rd..he will be going to his mothers house so Im sure at that point…he will be playing his “good face ” on as he wants her to believe he sooooo desperately loves his son and misses him soooooo much..what a crock!! thats when Im truly going to have walk a fine line….I did let him know I wasnt going to force a 3 yr old to call his father…as my son didnt want to when he left the message the other night…again..having your mother send a truck isnt going to make you father of the year especially when you dont seem to care about his well being or his needs…so again…thank you..keep in touch..xoxox
Just having him in CA may be stressful enough. Let’s pray for each other and our kids. I think maybe, it might help: maybe, it’s stronger that way. Good luck. I am here every night Wish I could watch tv or read something other that P books. But, I feel I owe it to my son to become a total expert, whatever it takes. So, here I am. Wishing you all the best and good night. Thank you for talking to me, you are right about the only person I did not manage to P/O on this site with my strong opinions.
KATYA…Im not goin anywhere…xoxox
This is useful. I currently have full custody of my baby because custody has never been officially decided in courts. I’m allowed to leave the state or even take him out of the country if I want to do so. My ex-husband’s name is not on the birth certificate. However, since we were technically married until a month after I had my baby, my ex could sue for custody and could, in theory, get shared custody because we were technically married while I had the baby. I left him when he attacked me while I was pregnant. That was the last he heard from me until a few months ago. He has known about his son for 5 months and has not pursued legal custody yet. I know he does not want to be a father and only pretended to want to be one when we married because he knew I wanted to start a family. I had a lot of fertility issues, so I think he thought he was safe pretending that. He became very violent when I became pregnant, so I left him.
Basically, I’m wanting some advice from people who know Sociopaths and about co-parenting with them. My attorney has good advice, but knows nothing about Sociopaths. She says, that if I think he will sue for custody, it’s best for me to serve him first because the state I’m in is much harsher towards domestic violence batterers (him) than his state is. She said it’s best to have the ball in our court and be on the offensive. She said he could try to claim that I’m keeping him from developing a relationship with his son, which is true. I am.
My goal is to have his paternal rights severed because of his extreme violence. He makes a lot of money, but I never have seen a dime of it and paid for everything when we together anyone. I know he’d never pay and if he did, my child’s safety and well-being is not worth it. He presented very well in court, during my Order of Protection case. He is a master at telling lies and he is professional and charming. He seems like he has his life in order and appears to be responsible. I fear he could get shared custody or at least visitation. Since he has threatened to kidnap our child, I worry about this.
Do you think I should keep living off the radar, so that he can’t find me or do you think I should serve him with custody papers. He threatened to try to get custody or kidnap our son if I left him, but my attorney thinks it’s just a threat and he might have re-thought this plan since he has known about our son for 5 months, now has access to my mailing address (the court actually has it, not him, but he can serve me with papers through the court) and has not. I’m actually in my state’s Address Confidentiality Program for extreme domestic violence cases. Should I go through the courts, to ensure that he won’t in the future, or just keep doing what I’m doing and staying hidden from him. Currently, I’m not breaking any laws and currently, as long as he does not try to dispute it in court and until then, I have full legal custody and I have been the only caregiving parent, since the beginning. What advice would you give?
Additionally, he was married to another woman in another country when he married me. He married he in her country. I didn’t find out until after the fact. I know that he applied for her Visa to come into the country in December, so she could be coming to the US at any time. The point in mentioning this is that he might just focus on her now and stop trying to find me and making my life miserable at some point. Either that, or once she comes into the country and they make their marriage legal in the states (they married in a third-world country with a bad government, so as it stands now, the US does not recognize them as legally married while in the US), he might fight for custody because then he’ll be married and will look even more stable and fit. I just don’t know. It’s so hard to guess how he thinks. What do you think?