Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Coping ~ Try to settle down. P daughter did very same thing with the facebook crap, almost the exact words. She hadn’t bothered to even check on her son in 5 YEARS, then took us back to court and plastered her “long term” plans for when she had him “home” It felt like someone had touched me with a high voltage bare wire. I understand – BUT this is the reaction he is going for.
Missing court ordered visitations is a VERY GOOD thing for your side. It shows a lack of interest RIGHT UP FRONT, before any of the real parenting issues even arise. Look at it this way, the court was kind enough to grant him the supervised visitation and he had more important things to do than to take advantage of them. It DOES NOT look good and some (not all unfortunately) judges REALLY do not like that. Don’t YOU do anything, including cancelling until you are sure there are at least 2 DOCUMENTED missed visitations, then make a HUGE STINK.
At that point, I agree with Oxy, it may be time to hit him with the “pay to play” card, bring up his vacation money, etc.
Oh, next time make sure Jr. eats just before. Don’t send food, don’t make it easy. They have changed the name from visitation time to parenting time. I was trained that the parent with the parenting time was to be responsible for ALL the child’s needs during such time. There are other reasons why this is not a good idea.
A question, when you say “they can close the case”, I’m not sure who THEY are. Just don’t want to give you the wrong advice here.
(((((((((((((coping – sweetie I am kinda triggered tonight, so I will leave advice to others here, but am going to send you A HUGE HUG!!!!)))))))))))))))))
Coping In OKLA if you dont pay child support you go to jail. I just dont have any advice, but I agree with Oxy’s, forget child support and get this loser out of your life.
Coping:
If he is working that means he pays federal, and in most cases state income tax. If he is not paying child support, in many jurisdictions the state can attach any tax refunds he has coming his way. Also, in many states he can denied licensing – everything from a drivers license to professional licenses if he owes back support. You might want to investigate these options with your attorney if you have to play hardball. A good card to play if you decided to go for termination of parental rights. Personally, I’m with OxDrover and others — you’re going to be chasing this prick for money from now until Rick Perry becomes a liberal Democrat. Or, to put it in dollar and cents terms, your ex requires 100 percent investment on your part in terms of time, money, and emotional and physical energy fighting him, and you get and will get zero percent return. So will your child. Cut your losses and get him out of your life.
Hi- Thank you for the advice…unfortunately I don’t think it will work in my case.
Milo- They are the “branch” that monitors his visitations. If my case worker does not “accept” this will be his 2nd cancellation then I am at a loss. I need to call her later today. She assurred me from the beginning his first intake cancellation counted however who knows what her take will be now. I will do nothing today accept speak to her to her and find out. Regardless of what she says I will remain calm and polite….and deal with a new strategy.I will not react. In addition I agree with you about the feeding. I had initially made it clear that the spath was NOT to feed Jr.To be honest I was very afraid that he might slip a xanax into the bottle to set me up. Yesterday was the exception…as I was running so late Jr. did not have time to finish his bottle so I figured why let him suffer with hunger in addition to being sick. I tried to to the right thing.
Ox & Matt- I agree with you about child support however he will never pay and in this state it doesn’t really matter. If the spath cared about anything it would. He already has a suspended license, does not file taxes, works in a company he set up under/with a friend so there is NOTHING is his name linking him to any income. Yes I have proof of this…lol..hell its all over the internet however Legally speaking…no link. In addition this guy doesn’t even have a lease or utility bill to his name. Only his cell. That is how he operates He is not a US citizen…He has been reported the INS, IRS, DA’s office…lol I even wrote a letter to the governor. Nothing! He has had his felonies sealed and the only thing linking him to the violence is the 7 year restraining order I have against him.
I can assure you that this is not about me or Jr. and I would gladly be done with him….he will NEVER sign over any parental rights…for money or not. If that was the case this would all be over with.
This is not about $. He owes me close to 20K for attorney fees and back child support to date IN ADDITION TO EVERYTHING ELSE. I will never see it. He will never go away. Its funny he only filed for joint custody after he was served with the restraining order. It is anger, vengence, hell I don’t know. This will continue until the courts say enough is enough. He’s had no financial loss and no emotional stress. LOL hell he didn’t even request a DNA test for Jr.
Last night I read another post by him and it dawned on me whats going on… (Duh?) He is still using Jr. and me to get things from other people. He wrote “The justice system is so messed up I have to pay $1,000 per month and only get to see my child once a week. Mind you I have never seen a dollar…The order is not even for that much money per month…yet that is his game. Ohhh I have no money it all goes to that bitch who doesn’t let me see my son. No one knows he doesn’t pay, no one knows the violence or restraining order…Its all a charade. Loving dad…he will never give that up. It works to his advantage. Disgusting!!!
Yes I want him out of our lives…but he is going no where!
Also let me clarify… I don’t care about child support or the money… I just want him gone. He is not going anywhere!! In addition I will still need to spend $ for legal fees as long as this continues. Meanwhile he does not have an attorney and does nothing. Only files a simple petition, plays the card..I don’t know what that legal crap means and gets away with it.
For Gods sake, we were never married and he is not even on the birth certificate!
Coping ~ I understand the whole income, suspended license, not paying taxes, no money trail whatsoever – SAME HERE. I agree with you, unfortunately the THREAT of child support/consequences for not paying mean absolutely NOTHING, because they know they can get away with it.
Coping, I know you are trying to do everything right, with regards to Jr. and you are doing a great job. I brought up the feeding issue for exactly the reason you mentioned, but I didn’t want to scare you. It happens and believe me “supervised” is not always as “supervised” as you are led to believe.
I was confused about who was supervising because here it is either Child Protective Services, which means a case plan must be in effect or a private visitation center. There are strick rules governing private, for instance if he has had felony charges in the past a security person must be present. Also, I can not BELIEVE he isn’t required to pay for this service.
You are probably right on with why he is posting this crap on facebook, his IMAGE. iGNORE IT.
I know money is tight, maybe you could check around to see if you could get legal help from legal aid. You NEED an attorney who specializes in custody cases and I think you need it NOW. In my humble opinion, IF he is not on the birth certificate and IF a DNA test has not been completed, no court SHOULD grant visitation. I am baffled and something smells rotten.
Can you go online and search your state’s laws regarding custody and visitation? This would help you to ask educated questions to your attorney.
Good girl to keep your cool with the worker, and maybe ask for a written log of his visits.
We are all behind you in this, you need to somehow get him out of Jr.’s life and the time to do it is now, while he is still young and the idiot doesn’t yet have a record of “care and concern”. Hopefully his NO SHOWS at visitation will help here.
Another thought, you said his business dealings etc. are all over the internet – be sure to print it all out. Sometimes even the IRS, State Tax and even Local Tax people like looking at this, if you know what I mean. It worked for me with the Local (city) tax people. I don’t know who sent them the internet stuff (LOL LOL) but they took action based on it.
Hi Milo-
Thank you. Yes some of this stuff is absolutely crazy!
Yes there is security present and it is at the courthouse. However there are 2 female monitors for several restraining order Dads and other children…no one can watch on a one on one basis. Although they are SUPPOSSED to. Yes it is Free for him (In fact if I want a male monitor I would need to pay for it). However once all 12 visits are complete it then goes back to court and gets re-evaluated by a judge. Now is the time to act. I can only pray this case worker will close the case. Then it would be up to him to pursue…I must be honest…I don’t think its gonna happen. I tried calling her today but she is out until tomorrow. I will find out then. Maybe I should put it in writing/politely but directly with facts and dates to have my “voice” documented. Maybe that would put things into action.
About the DNA… I agree. I spoke to my attorney intially about that and she said it would only make me look bad if he wasn’t questioning paternity. Besides it would only come back that he is the father anyway…no doubt about that.Trust me…If I was even in the presense of another naked man and believed sperm could fly I would have PUSHED for it.
My last attorney did specialize in this at $400 an hour (and actually descibed my case as law 101 to her paralegal-LOL)…time to get another attorney. I still have time. Nothing will change overnight. I tried legal aid and they are so swamped they could not commit to taking on the case. I met with a “relocation” attorney awhile back who I liked and I’m sure she would work with me. However at this point I think I really need a “tough guy” attorney…Maybe I need a “slimeball” as going by the book hasn’t worked in my favor.
Yes…depending on what the case worker says tomorrow NOW is the time. I’m just praying she does the right thing. This will save me allot of time, $ and hassle now…as well as showing his true colors.
I like your idea about local offices… yes, maybe I should schedule appointments and try,try, try…the more heat invloved could push him out of the kitchen. ?
Thank you…
I have searched my heart and soul trying to understand the him and the legal system. Why is a baby so important to him .He has 2 others who he does not support. I think Ox and sky nailed it…it’s all about control. After all this costs him nothing….emotionally or financially and oddly enough he is gaining a new identity through it. He really is one scary guy.
Every night I pray he will go away and let us live in peace and it does not happen…maybe the case worker will actually do her job and answer my prayers.
Coping ~ I don’t think you give yourself enough credit, you really do seem to be on top of things. I wasn’t suggesting that he’s not Jr.’s sperm donor (don’t want to call him DAD), just the fact that LEGALLY a judge usually wants proof before he recommends visitation.
Just one more suggestion, in talking to or writing to the social worker, I would say something along the lines of MY JOURNAL indicates that he missed/rescheduled the first intake on (date) and rescheduled it for (date). Is this what your records show? That way you let her know that you are journaling the events. Just an idea.
You know peace is all we want, is that so much to ask?