Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Thank Milo! Yes peace is what we all want…LOL. Hmmm? 🙂 Guess its a hard one.
Have a great day and I really do appreciate your feedback. It helps.
coping – I wish you peace. hugz
Knowing I am not alone in this kind of battle to protect my son does help somewhat, but I am so fraught with worry all the time it is absolutely exhausting. Unfortunatley due to poor legal represtntation in the past, my ex did not have supervised access long enough, nor did he complete the psychological testing recommended in a custody access. I do have sole custody, but I have had to agree to my ex having what would almost be considered joint custody access, every second weekend, 2 weeks in the summer and I wont even get to spend Christmas with my little boy this year because I was told I had no coice but to agree. I feel stupid I did not disagree with Lawyers more as I instinctively knew what would happen with a sociopath making demands, not for what is in the best interest of my child, but what he felt would hurt me the most. I left him when my son was 5 months old..he just turned % this year and has started school and I am still dealing with all the lies, the deception, the accusations, no financial support. He has lived with 3 different women since I left him, the most recent he met 6 months ago and married just two weeks ago…and she is an RN, specializing in mental health issues and still lies for him in court. I am so completely disgusted with the family court system, and all parties involved. I cannot afford a private lawyer and have to rely on legal aid. I am terrified to represent myself…although most times I think I could do a better job showing the lies and patterns better than a lawyer who has no experience dealing with this type of personality. I hate talking to my family and freinds about it, I am sure they have heard enough over the years, and every visitation weekend something new happens. I am not sure how much longer I can stay strong> My health is suffering, my social life is suffering. My financial state is pathetic. I am not sure what I need. I think I just need someone to understand. I need to know I am doing the right thing for my son.
Jorja,
You have come to the right place. Many people here on Lovefraud have experienced exactly what you are experiencing. Feel free to ask questions and seek suggestions.
Stay strong.
Jorga,
welcome to LF.
learning and studying about the personality disorder of narcissism and sociopathy IS doing the right thing for your son. You need to keep reading here and getting all the books you can. Eventually you will OWN this problem. You will be able to anticipate and dodge your ex-spath’s maneuvers. It takes time.
For now, please learn that they feed on your emotions, so don’t give him any. He searches your facial expressions and actions to ascertain what you VALUE. When he determines what that is, he will target those things to try to take them. Remember, he values NOTHING, so he won’t necessarily take things that benefit him, or that he can keep. He will take things from you just so YOU CAN’T HAVE THEM. Things like your self-esteem, your compassion, your innocence and other intangible human values, make him envious because he doesn’t have them. So he will target those things along with money, reputation, your son and your peace of mind.
My advice: hide your valuables, give him fake emotions.
Hi Jorja,
Nope, you’re not alone. There are many mothers and some fathers on this site who are going through similar situations, myself included. Some are in “different” stages of recovery but all have valuable info…even if it’s just the “venting”…it does make you feel like you are not alone.
I can completely relate to your disgust with the family court system…as well as your concerns about representing yourself without an attorney despite financial concerns. I personally would not deal with mine without an attorney simply because they know the law… OR SHOULD, and it essentially boils down to the law verses our emotions (and what we KNOW to be true). However, some moms have done that…it’s rough, with or without legal help.
It’s hard raising your child alone, dealing with the spath, not to mention the onion peeling (self-discovery, boundary setting, ect) in addition to just financially rebuilding your life. Nope most people outside these little internet walls do not get it…and they do get tired of hearing about it. I try very hard not to even talk about it anymore to the outside world.
Sorry you are in this situation and have “joined the club”.
If you can, take strength in knowing your are not alone….and there are actually some success stories out there.
If you can…on your hardest days…just take it one day at a time. Otherwise it will become so overwhelming your head could fall off.
Therapy has helped me allot in addition to LF. I don’t have insurance but found a GREAT therapist through a local church organization. There are many low-cost, free therapists out there. Finding a good one is the trick…I got very lucky. Something to consider…?.
Jorja,
So sorry you are here, but here you will get the understanding you deserve. We all feel the frustrations with the family court system.
My situation is a little different from most in that I have fought for and received custody of my grandson from my abusive and neglecfull sociopathic daughter. In the process I have been in 4 different courts in two different counties for almost 8 years. I can offer a few suggestions, based on my experiences, feel free you disregard if you don’t think they would work for you.
From what you described, you got the “standard” one size fits all visitation (or as the call it now “parenting”) time. If you are not now, by all means journal everything that happens surrounding any and all interactions between your ex and your child. You stated “every visitation weekend something new happens”. Journal EVERYTHING, in particular how your child is acting just prior to the visits and how he is acting after the visits. Things like any problems at school after a visitation weekend. Ask his teachers to be on the look out and drop you a note. Keep track of missed visitation or anytime the pickup or dropoff is over 15 minutes late.
Does your child see a therapist? This is good in that the therapist can testify about the child’s reactions to visitation. They usually cannot testify IF visitation should take place or for how long, just the child’s reactions. They can also ask the child questions that you should not be asking.
I am sure you know that child support (lack thereof) does not keep a parent from visitation, however the fact that the parent does not pay support just may weigh in your favor if you go to renegotiate the amount of visitation.
Does your court have a mediation process with regards to altering visitation? If it does, it may just mean going in front of a mediator to present your case to ask for reduced visitation. This is where the journal of everything is a MUST.
If and when you do decide to go back to court, and I totally understand the financial hardship, if you didn’t have a GAL before, ask that one be appointed and what you would be required to pay based on your income. Also see if a forensic psychologist can do a family evaluation, at the court’s expense, or better yet your ex’s expense.
Read through your state and county laws regarding custody and visitation to educate yourself before you even talk to an attorney or legal aid.
You can do this, best of luck to you.
Thank you everyone for your feedback…I am overwhelmed with the support everyone is offering. I had been in counselling for years, it didnt seem to help me, perhaps I had the wrong counsellor. I have been keeping detailed reports ( I have 25 pages since our last court date in July 2011). My lawyer (legal aid( says there is nothing I can do about it, as I cant make someone be a good person and since I already ahve sole custody, there isnt anything a judge will do . I just cant believe that. My son has been to a counsellor, but wont really talk about his father except to say that Daddy says what we do is a secret. Which is what he says to me when I try to get him to talk about what he does when with his father. Not only is his father a sociopath, he has a 15 year history of domestic abuse (which I also went through with him). I see aggresive and violent tendancies arrising in my son and it worries me the genetic factor may be stronger than the enviornmental factor and he will follow in his fathers path.
I know his only motivation is to hurt me, not that he has our sons best interest in mind and I try not to react to him, but it is so hard.
Last week (Friday), he found out I had a parent teacher meeting, so without asking if he could attend, he called the school lied to them about me inviting him to the meeting so he could find out what time I was going to be there. Even though they offered him another appointment time, he insisted he be there for my meeting. I told the school he oculd have my appointment and I would reschedule as I was not comfortable with the scenerio. The school informed me that not only was he 30 minutes late for the appointment (even though he insisted on being there at 2:40)…he also brought his new bride (they met 7 months ago and married 3 weeks ago). His obvious intention to both me and school officials was that he wanted to “surprise” me by showing up unannounced with his new wife (or victime, as I like to call them). He seemed more interested in being there to see me than being there to discuss out son with the teacher.
He called me Saturday to tell me Reece was really sick and he took him to the emergency room (at a hosptial an hour and a half away) as they were in the town his wife was from. He said the doctors checked m son out and everything was fine, he just wanted to let me know. On Monday I called this hospital and they have no record of my son being there. This is not the first time he has lied about medical treatment he gave to my son. When I inquirted to him about why the hospital had no record of the visit he just said (in text message) that they were ther, but just to drop paperwork of for Tara(his new wife), and he had “the girls” check Reece out. His new wife works as a nurse in the psych ward at the hospital. It will be a hard pill for her to swallow when she finally sees what he is since her profession is psychology. I know he sought her out as a new partner thinking her profession will help him to avoid accusations of mental instability. So I am furious that he lied again about medical treatment, however this time I showed no reaction except to ask who the names of the people were who provided treatment and diagnoisi of my son and ask if they were doctors and qualified to do so. He freaked oiut, calling me names etc, becomeing very angry and defensive about having to explain himself. I showed no reaction, did not respond, and asked my lawyer to deal with it and to write a letter to the hospital concerning this.
I have had a custody assessment done in 2007, which suggested I have sole custody and he be supervised. I have asked my Lawyer to request another one be done. I have no fath the legal system or family and childrens services will be able to help me protect my son from the psychological and emotional problems that will develope from him having regular contact with a sociopath. He is only 5 and loves his father, and of course does not see the inappropriateness of what he does…yet. I am hopeful he will see what his father is on his own as he grows and matures past the emotional level of his father. But it still breaks my heart everyday knowing my son does not have the father he deserves to have. I still cry everyday…I look forward to a time when I can smile and laugh again…as right now, the sadness and guilt seem to envelope me constantly.
Thank you all for your advise and guidance….it does help..I look forward to continuing communication and reading what everyone has to say.
Jorja ~ I think you are right in, “there is not anything a judge can do.” “I just can’t believe that.” – A judge CAN change the visitation order.
PLEASE – check out OurFamilyWizard and see what you think. Also, you mentioned concerns about your son, Dr. Leedom’s book “Just Like His Father” give excellent advice on how to nuture an at risk child. I highly recommend reading it.
Keep us posted and there are many on here who can answer questions.
Unfortunately due to my financial state, I can only apply for legal aid when having to go to Family court.
I have a court date set for Nov 21st. I hadnt heard anything from the legal aid Lawyer so called to make an appntment before our court date. I reeived a message back from his receptionist that “he doesnt need to see me before the court date so he will not be setting an appointment with me”. I cannot reach him on the phone and he will not give me an email so we can communicate. I have had incompetant Lawyers over the years who have given me bad advise or who were not prepared for trials and my son and I are the ones who suffered for it.
How can a Lawyer who has accepted my case refuse to have communication with me before a ourt date…I dont care if HE want s to see me….I want to see him.
I am so frustrated. They dont care about anything except what the hard facts are…yet my expereience has shown me that Family court is not a black and white venue…it seems to be based on reasonable doubt and who is most believable…
How can I find a lawyer that will help me?
I am desperate.