Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Isn’t it true that the non-custodial parent must sue me for visitation/custody? If so, even though they say the sociopath will fight me tooth and nail I just don’t think I have anything to worry about, except for some harsh words and threats – MAYBE (Because he put on OP on me – Jerk).
1. He signed a consent of adoption for my husband to adopt my son, but we’re divorcing so we didn’t go through with it. Now, this will make him look bad because he didn’t want his son in the first place if he signed over his rights – Right?
2. I have a lot of proof that incriminates him of being controlling and threatening by telling me to keep my child a secret.
3. He has no job, no money, no car.
There’s so much more that I feel will only help my case but I want to be sure that I’m at least on the right track about my expectations. He must sue me, right? And even if he somehow gets money by either begging his parents (who also aren’t very well off) or getting an attorney through the state, the judge would have to consider that he’s never seen our almost 2-year-old, denies him, and makes threats.
Here is an actual email he sent to me after I pissed him off by telling his parents about our son, a month ago, since they had no idea we had a baby together. (Also, this guy is about to have his third baby in three years – 1st: 2009, mine 2nd: 2010, and 3rd current girlfriend: 2011 or Jan. 2012! The current girlfriend rotten, with 2 kids of 2 different dads, 31-years-old, who works in a bar but since she has a Master’s she is supposedly smarter than me and the first mom who have great jobs at well-known insurance companies.) I only told them because my son’s father filed an order of protection against me by lying in court, then contacted me six months later begging to see me and our son for the first time, then changed his mind a week later when I made demands about dropping the OP and admitting our son to everyone. (Yes, replying to him was dumb but luckily I never replied back until he friend requested me with a fake profile on Facebook and he would have to prove he was a liar and a fake. I think a judge will see right through it.) Maybe this will help, too?
His letter to me:
“You are going to rot in hell for what you have done! How dare you do such a thing? YOUR child will never be a part of his supposed biological fathers life. He looks nothing like him, and the father does not have a care in the world for that child, for it is NOT HIS! It is unbelieveable what you have done, or should one say ” tried ” to do. You have failed miserably. And you have also gotten yourself one step closer to serving jail time. Do you like jail? Have you ever been there before? Well, at this rate, you will soon find out! You know what you have done, and don’t ever do anything remotely close to it ever again. You will never have a relationship with who you believe is your son’s biological father, or his family! It will NEVER happen! You are a psychotic, obsessive ugly person, and you should have better things to do than try to mess with people’s lives that want nothing else but to be completely away from you permanently. No one wants to be contacted by you, no one wants to see you, and no one wants to see that child! That child means nothing! Find someone else to be a father to that child, because the person who you think is the father, is not the father nor ever will be. Not now, not ever! You should be totally humiliated and ashamed of yourself for the things that you are trying to do. Complete obsession, complete craziness. You are a horrible human being who deserves everything that you get. You are in this position because it is your fault. No one loves you, no one cares about you, and no one cares about that child. You are forever damned because of it. Find someone else to care for you, because the family you want to be involved with will never give you the time of day. You have no right or no place to do the things you have done, and you will never be forgiven. Not by God, not by anyone. Stay away from an innocent family, who wants nothing to do with you. You and your child will never have anything to do with the people you want to be involved with. NEVER! Nice try though, it was cute. Stay away from the father and his family, or you will be arrested and have criminal charges filed against you. This is your last warning, and only feeling of sympathy that will be given to you. Next time, the autorities will be right at your doorstep to take you away in handcuffs, you obsessive stalker waste of life! Get a life of your own, and stop messing up the lives of others. Find a sucker of a man to take care of you and your bastard child, and leave everyone else alone! You are a sad and pathetic human being, and your cries for help will never be heard by the family you depserately want help from. You choose the path for your child, and now you have to live with it! Karma is something, huh? Maybe you messed with the wrong person in the past, and maybe you did things that came back to haunt you! What a pathetic, ugly lowlife you are! The autorities are on to you, so it is suggested for you to not have any contact whatsoever with anyone in that family ever again. EVER AGAIN! We would all hate for you to end up in jail, time and time again!
Sincerely,
A Concerned Outsider”
Janelle,
I would guess, by the tone and language that the letter was written by his latest GF. And I would also say that she is a sociopath: she claims to speak for God.
Unless you are able to go NC, you should prepare for some intense drama. He is the influence behind that letter. He likes the triangulation. Do not give him ANY emotional response. He feeds on it. Gray rock.
Janelle,
Your leverage here is child-support: if he wants visitation rights, sue him for child support. That alone should ensure that you never hear from him again.
But if he really is your son’s father (and I’ll take your word for it that he is), then that letter (obviously written by the girlfriend) is a fascinating study in denial and human baseness. At any rate, my guess is that he’s milking her for money, so he won’t want to rock the boat by bringing your son (to her, an irritant) into the picture.
I really don’t think he’s going to pursue this. However, if he does, just make sure he’s aware that he will be forced to pay child support. My guess is that that will very quickly settle things. (DNA doesn’t lie!) And if all else fails, just make sure to properly instruct your son on how to make the girlfriend’s life a living hell!
(Speaking of which – if he’s telling the GF that your boy is NOT his son, how would he possibly ever justify having him over for weekends etc.?)
Janelle
I’m with Skylar. Those aren’t the words of a man. Those are the words of a jealous woman. It’s no surprise that women with children on this site are really better off without the father in the picture. Any way you can make that happen? Lowlife men often agree to no visitation in order to avoid maintenance payments. Above all, do NOT let your child be under the control of the B* that wrote such a message to you. It scares me what she’d do to him.
ps goes without saying but am saying it to be obvious, WE care about you and about your child.
Janelle, I and my son have been on the end of such hate mail, also sent by the spaths then girlfriend, they married and are now divorced, it lasted 15 months ..she booted him out when the money ran out. Both my children have thankfully not had any contact with the spath in years, and as a result are doing brilliantly. I won’t pretend its been easy but far better than having to deal with the spath and the now ex-wife number 2 or whatever lowlife he can find on the internet. The jealousy pours out of the vindictive mail to you.
With regards to child maintenance, the spath who is unfortunately the sperm donor of my children has used the courts to harass me; he lost big time back in March. He is of course back in court again to harass me just a bit more; that’s what they do ..jealous, of even his own children. The GF wrote that evil mail as she has no doubt been manipulated by him.
If you can walk away do so, he is trouble and so is the GF. Protect you and son. Unfortunately they are like boomerangs; they always come back so if you can never divulge where you are living.
skylar, Constantine, KatyDid, and moveingon – Thank you so much for your words of advice and I hope everything goes well. I hate that I put myself in a difficult position by responding to even fake emails but I hope the law is smarter than that. I hope they see through the crap like this, in case he uses it against me in court. Oh and yes, he’s milking the bartender for what little she has because he doesn’t have a job, sold his car to pay for their rent, and they’re pretty much dead broke with soon-to-be four kids between the two of them (five if you count my son). I think we’ll be fine and that he’ll want this as easy as possible by doing the paternity test and not going for visitation. It’s really not about the money either but more of an “I told you so” and piece of mind for my son. It’s funny you say that was written by the girlfriend, and if that’s the case then she is in violation of her OP on me. I really hope the law pulls their heads out of their butts and starts seeing that I’m not the bad guy, I just choose not to lie in court to make myself look like the victim. I’ll keep you all posted because this is all about to get very interesting when he figures out he’s still on the hook for child support. He is going to be PISSED!!
I only have one more question. At the court hearing, the girlfriend will definitely accompany my son’s father because she’s a very jealous woman. There is no way she will allow him to go alone and if she does then I won’t do this, but what do you all think about this plan: When/if the court asks why I filed since they may be suspicious at the fact that my son is 18-months and they have an OP against me, and if the girlfriend IS there, I plan on telling them that I filed because he sent me text messages saying he wanted to see him and me. I will start reading the part where he said he wants to “fornicate” and admit that the language wasn’t appropriate for the courtroom. That way, two things happen: 1. The girlfriend will see that I wasn’t just causing problems to be mean, but was actually being manipulated by him. He thought saying he wants to see our son would be the perfect way to get sex, a new place to stay, etc. 2. The courts may consider dropping his OP for wasting tax dollars and court time making a false request, and perhaps the girlfriend will be so upset with him that she could drop hers, too. One thing you must understand is that his first “baby mama” and the girlfriends after me all fought at first because he created lies and turmoil between us. Now we’re all friends, with the exception of the new one, but that’s because she has no contact with any of us to be convinced of his manipulation. I truly think that this guy has dug too many holes to get out of this one, no matter how “smart” a sociopath is. Why? Because now his girlfriend and law will have PROOF from which I will bring that shows he has been in contact with me, asking for sexual favors, talking about her unfavorably, wanting to see our son, then changing his mind. He can’t lie his way out of hard proof – Impossible. Plus, you must remember that he admitted to two people (his band mate/my friend – AND – his half brother who has told their mom – common parent between them all) that he is the father. What is your opinion? What is the worst that could happen? I know jail time or a fine for me because I broke the rules and DID respond to his fake Facebook profile which he named after my best friend, which I can argue. |:o /
Janelle,
hmm… very interesting.
actually, the worst that can happen is that the judge is a spath.
But, some “high-class” spaths hate the low-class spaths and will use and abuse them. The one thing that might unite these two kinds of spaths is their united hatred for women. there are lots of those types around. If you have a good relationship with your father or other male authority figure, it might help to bring him to court. I know. It’s ridiculous and despicable to have to bring a man to court to validate you in the eyes of the judge, but that’s the truth. Remember what the judge who belted his daughter said about other children: not believable.
BTW, there are female judges who hate women too, so don’t assume anything. My grandmother hated women. total spath.
Other than those issues, you have a pretty good plan IMO.
Try to make sure that you don’t come across as a Jerry Springer type of person. Keep the drama at a very minimum. Make sure the judge sees you as a victim not a co-enabler. Take on an air of an intellectual. Be an authority.
I know it’s hard. Kudos to you for having the guts. I’m very impressed. I feel like I couldn’t do it, but YOU could.
Thanks, skylar. I plan on doing everything I’ve read on this site and been advised by all of you, so far. I know that I need to appear assertive but also put myself in the light of being the victim; let him lie and don’t call him out in a rude way. I just need to be sure I have proof for my case, making HIM look crazy and me worthy of having a falsified OP dropped. At the end of the day, my hope is that he is inconvenienced, perhaps thrown out of his place, loses his girlfriend, and is forced to make something else happen. That could mean he moves back home (totally different state!) and that would be fine with me, and even the first mom, her son, and boyfriend (he HATES this guy, too). I hope you’re right and that I’ll have the guts to do this because he is in a corner if I play my cards right. Thanks, again!!!
I have family court tomorrow morning…again…same reason…maintenance payments.
My ex works cash jobs only to avoid having to pay maintenance or having wages garnished. I found out in October he had been put on the books, so went right to court and made the appropriate application. One garnishment was taken and then he quit his job last week. A week before court to have his maintenance payments (which are currently zero) reviewed. As usual. It happens every time. Will a Judge not take this into account ?And I also know that he will reply with something about me not being a fit parent, or that I dint allow him to see his son, or that he wants more visitation time with my son etc….its the same thing every time. He sent me a txt message this past Friday first thing in the morning telling me I HAVE to be at my house at 5 so he could pick up our son (although the custody order clearly states that I can decide if the place of pickup will be at my house or another location). Then, 2 hours before he was supposed to pick him up he sends abother txt message saying he doesnt have enough money for gas to come get him (we live 25 minutes away and the custody order also clearly states he is to provide me with 48 hour notice if he cannot pick him up)…then 45 minutes before the “pickup” time, he sends another txt message saying he is on his way to get him. I gave no reaction to any of this as I know he is always looking to get an emotional reaction out of me.
I believe this time, I have enough evidence since July when we last went to court to show he is consistently lying, consistenly breaching the custody order (which he does almost every visitaion weekend) and that he has some obvious emotional and mental health problems, which I believe prevents him from providing a secure environment for my son. I also want to ask for another custody Assessment. One was already done in 2007, whcih basically said he was a sociopath without using that term, and I was given sole custody with him having supervised visits only.
I want to represent myself this time, as legal aid lawyers don’t care about the best interest of my son, and are not interested in fighting a sociopath. If representing myself, will a Judge give me some slack in proceedings, affidavits, cross examinations, subpoening witnesses etc since I am not a Lawyer?
Any thoughts on this?
I am so tired of it all…it is time I stand up and expose him for what he is…and not listen to Lawyers who only want to take the easy way.
He also informed me that his new wife (they met 6 months ago) is now pregnant. This will be his 4th child with 4 different mothers. He has never provided ANY emotional or financial support for any of his previous 3 children. And is even now denying he has another son (yet I have an email written by him in 2008 telling me of his “other” son).
I need some advise…I cannot explain all the evidence I have against him (although I am sure most of you can imagine), as I have 17 typed pages of incidents, breaches and lies just since July 2011.
I am willing to represent myself and write a 100 page affidavit stating every lie, every decietful act, every attempt to avoid paying maintenance, his patterns with every woman in the last 10 years if need be.
Any comments/advise are desperately needed….I will let you all know tomorrow how things went in court.