Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Jorja,
I’m not an attorney: NOTE THAT!!!! LOL
As for representing yourself, I would GUESS that the judge would give you some slack.
I would KEEP IT SIMPLE, as far as the evidence is concerned, so taht you don’t over whelm the judge with shiat.
I would summarize the evidence you have VERBALLY and then hand the judge the list of ALL the events.
What you printed above is a GOOD SUMMARY I think.
The fact that your child’s sperm donor is NOT PROVIDING SUPPORT for the child is to me at least PROOF that he is not a caring parent. The fact that he has children by other women he is ALSO not supporting I think is proof that he isn’t going to be a caring parent to your child.
Good luck and keep us posted on how it goes. God bless.
Oxy,
Thanks for the book suggestion. I’ve been reading about Porter Osborne, Jr. for weeks now. WOW, what a kid! I just got through the cat debacle..and the taking off the the extra finger of Boston Harbor Jones..LOL too much!!
Dear Ana, I LOVEEEEE those books, and I think that Sams is up there with Hemingway, Mark Twain, Jack London and some of the other great American authors. I just found another book he had written called “Down Town” published in 2007. I sure would like to know the REST of the life of Porter…I wish there were more than the three books about him.
Interestingly enough, part of what I love about the book besides the humor is the assessments that Sams makes about Porter SR. and how the mom handles the drinking and the other women, how Porter JR does….his relationship with Boston Harbor Jones, and the other people in his life.
There are some indepth assessments of how people think and behave and why.
I have a complete set of Sams’ works and I frequently read and reread them, but my all time favorites are the first three. Glad that you enjoyed them. They are the books that make me ROAR with laughter when I don’t feel like laughing. They are my ticket to feeling good when I am down! They make me laugh and they make me cry. It is my pleasure to recommend these books to “thinking people” who appreciate a good writer.
‘
Hi Oxy,
Yes, it’s very interesting how Porter’s mother behaves toward the father “I’m not mad, I’m hurt” Lookout!! I love reading about his life and his relation to others. He’s a little bastard too!!
I was reading at work the other day and I didn’t realize I laughed out loud..the therapist and client both said “I love it when a book can make you laugh out loud” LOL I looked up and was shocked it was ME!! I love the books and have one more to go. Thanks!
Ana, there are damn few books that can make me laugh out loud until I have to stop reading for a minute to catch my breath and Sams’ books do just that.
Yea, Sambo was a little bit of a shit, but his pranks weren’t evil, just pranks!
Yea, the enabling that his mother did and the “make sure the neighbors don’t know” kind of attitude is also what I grew up with. His mother knew his father was cheating and yet she pretended she didn’t..”keep the peace at ANY price.” Standing up to him was not an option. Just holding up her head and going on pretending she didn’t know was the only option she considered. That’s sad really.
Anyway, glad you are enjoying the books, I recommend that you get and read the other books too, they are good, but I MISS SAMBO! I want more books about him.
I am so thankful for this site. Knowing for years that my husband was abusive, I now know that he’s a complete sociopath. We have a few children, and I’m slowly trying to leave without him destroying my life even more. Is there anyone who knows what type of proofs I can gather now while we’re still living together? I have recordings of him being verbally abusive. Does that stand up in court? How old do the kids have to be for them to be witnesses also? What else can I do, I can’t stand much more!
Sheila,
different states have different laws about what can be submitted as evidence. You will have to research those that apply to your own state.
As a general rule, it seems to me that most states permit recorded evidence as long as the party in question was aware of the recording being made. In other words, he either agreed to be recorded or he was aware that there was surveillance. Examples are: if he leaves a voice mail, or if there is a video surveillance and audio surveillance sign posted. Also, most actions that are done in public and cannot be expected to stay private, may also count – not sure.
Written evidence is good too. If he sends you emails, text msgs, etc… save them.
Dear Sheila,
Without knowing your full story or your complete objective (to leave, protect your children, find out what is going on) I’m going to be pretty direct.
For family law recordings, voice mails ect., do not mean anything…Of course keep them..perhaphs they will help if you decide to get an RO…
You must make a decision and if your life is in danger leave…however if you have tme I would suggest this..
Spaths lie, remember you have kids. Figure out your financial situation (establish a cash slush fund)…not in a bank. Cash. You will find that one day you will NEED this if the situation is bad enough. do not let him know you are on to him.
Establish your funds first… however RUN LIKE HELL IF YOU ARE IN DANGER!!!
be smart, have cash, if he is a spath you might need this one day for even a hotel or escape money…as much as you can without a red flag.
Protect yourself and kids first!!! If that means leaving with nothing so be it. If you have the time… gather cash and info on EVERYTHING!!! His SS# DDL # anything and everything. Bank statements ect, make photo copies, keep a spare bag packed in case of an emergency depart… if need be.
If felonies dont mean anything, recording wont… be carefull and stay safe.
Shiela,
First and foremost, like the others stated…..if your life is in danger get out! PERIOD!
If not iminent…..start gathering info/docs quick.
Trust info
Tax returns (10 years)
Will documents, Medical POA’s.
Bank records,
Retirement account docs,
Investment docs
Insurance policy docs (Health, life, auto, homeowners, business, rental, boats, RV’s etc…)
Pay stub copies (both parties)
Original deeds to real properties
Real estate closing docs
Vehicle titles (original) AND registration document copies.
Power of attorny documentations (either that YOU signed or HE signed)
ALL utility records, account numbers and who’s names their in.
Run a credit report on YOU and see if you can come up with an ‘excuse’ to get him to approve one on him.
Creditreport.com (1 free a year) PRINT THEM! ALL PAGES!
Copies of ALL credit cards in your name AND his.
Get access to ALL bills ONLINE. This will be a lifesaver later. My ex didn’t use a computer so he didn’t realize I had ALL his CC’s and bank statements coming to my private email…..(still do! 🙂 ).
They also came in the mail……so if he got the bill, he didn’t think anything of it. You can get them to send both paper and online.
Create a private email address he doesn’t know about.
Sign up for a private PO box, in another town. Use that for Private mail.
Collect ALL passwords for ALL accounts.
Get duplicate sets of ALL keys….his car, your car, house, storage lockers, safe deposit box’s, PO Box’s, any and all properties, Rv’s, boats etc…..
(Mysteriously take his key ring when he’s home watching football or whatever…..and jet out and make copies of the whole ring, and they can reappear just as mysteriously).
If he’s got a key to your car, find a ‘similar’ key and exchange it when your ready to leave for the final time.
Take hiim off all of your cc’s……and remove yourself from HIS. (may need him to do this, but you can always call bank and ‘pretend’ you are him).
Put as much cash aside as you can without him knowing….hoard cash!!!!
DO NOT TELL ANYONE, I mean ANYONE what you are doing! Loose lips sink ships.
If you can also mysteriously have his wallet disappear, photo copy EVERYTHING IN IT. Drivers license, CC’s, Club memberships, Airline FF cards. It can reappear an hour later……
Attain a NEW cc in your name only.
Once you get his name off your cc’s….ask for a CREDIT LINE INCREASE…..your gonna need this! Get the max credit line they will give you.
Start paying down any accounts that are in YOUR name….and reduce payment on HIS accounts. IF he notices, you can always say……your paying on the higher interest cards/accounts.
Start cashing out airline mileage reward points…..those are valuable and sometimes you can get cash from them.
Get a copy of his criminal record or driving records.
If you can access his email account, or phone passwords…..take note of the passwords.
Gather any and all photos of your kids or whatever you don’t want to disappear and remove from the home.
Remove from home, all jewelry or valuables, or anything you can ‘liquidate’ for money later.
Take photos of everything in your home, video too. Open drawers and take photos, open closets and photograph. Store pics or disc out of the home. This will help you when he is on to you and starts removing things…..as if they never existed.
Check on the title on your vehicle. If is says Shiela AND/OR spath……transfer it to SHIELA ONLY. If it is in his name, devise a plan to get it in YOUR NAME.
If his vehicle is in your name too…..get it out of your name. (these can be mailed to your private email address).
Get your passport and take it offsite. Photocopy his or mysteriously make it disappear.
Change your VM passwords, computer passwords, online passwords….ALL of your passwords to something HE will Never discover. Change them frequently during divorce process……
DO NOT bring your kids into your divorce. It will NOT serve you well. Judges don’t generally like this.
Remember, a divorce is simply an end of a business arrangement in the courts eyes. No fault doesn’t exist now…..so judges don’t care if you were abused or he had affairs etc…… It’s ONLY a division of assets and custody.
Study the divorce laws in your state. (available online). And KNOW them…..know what to expect and what not to expect in regards to the law. Knowledge = Power. In community property states you must show a grave misconduct or misuse of marital funds/assets to get an inequitable distribution of assets awarded to you.
Decide on a what you think as a fair division of assets and go from there. This is where documentation of misuse of funds is key.
If you play fair, he won’t. Get ready to corner him and document his lies. He will claim no income, he will blame YOU for whatever…..just expect that and go into it as much as you can EMOTIONLESS. Let him make the claims and look like the whackjob. In 2 years of a contested divorce……trust me, he will look like a whacko that he is…..give HIM the rope to hang himself. he will! Just keep tract from afar of all his antics with documentation.
You can ‘walk the legal line’ but ALWAYS appear fair. When in doubt, dont appear vindictive….EVER. You must keep credibility with the courts.
Do not cancel insurance policies, lock him out of house without orders, drain bank accounts etc…. that sorta stuff. (But plan on HIM doing this. I’ve heard of women taking 1/2 of the money out of an account and leaving him half. Id’ get legal advice on that prior.
Judges don’t like this kinda game playing and you WILL be punished eventually.
Eventually is the key word in divorce……it doesn’t happen quickly……..
DO NOT let him know what YOU KNOW. DO NOT threaten him or play power play with him. Directly……do it all covertly. THis will take self discipline and patience.
You will feel jilted…….just keep in mind……it’s the WAR you are out to win…..and you won’t win every battle. EXPECT THIS. It’s OKAY….keep your eye on the ‘prize’, whatever YOU determine that is. Custody, assets…..it’s YOUR life and only YOU can make that determination.
The more you gather, the better off your gonna be!
You will have to file a financial affidavit, go online and see what your states form looks like and what you will need to gather up PRIOR losing access to the info.
Look for a good attorney, consult with several. DO NOT LET HIM KNOW THIS.
Keep in mind that your friends divorces will not be the same as yours. Divorcing a spath is a WHOLE different gig! If you know someone who was successful at divorcing a spath and had a good attorney i’d start there.
Make copies of his contacts/email contacts and telephone contacts. You NEVER know when this will come in handy.
Be prepared to find out things after you boot him…..that you never knew. Just be emotionally prepared to be blindsided……if you are ready to be blindsided the sting is less harsh.
DO NOT TAKE ANY OF IT PERSONALLY! Do not react.
A credit report will tell you TONS about him. IF he has accounts you didn’t know about, cc’s and IF your names on what of his.
Keep current on all copies of bank records. The court will end up needing the past several years. So don’t slack on that. It can get expensive to have to order them from the banks. CC records also.
If he’s a spath….expect battle. Plan on him taking the stance of it’s HIM winning or YOU…… He will hide assets, lie and accuse you of things you’ll be shocked about…..that HE did/does. Prepare to go to battle. If he doesn’t battle…..GREAT, you were prepared.
Most of all……listen and watch your husband. Listen to what he accuses you of…..because if you know you have’nt done something….guarenteed HE HAS. Projection is a major power play. They will tell you what they are up to whith their accusations. Listen, Listen, Listen….and NEVER react. This is difficult….but when you get the fruits from listening……you’ll understand why you just need to shut up. They give you a ‘roadmap’ of their plays.
If you own a house…..STAY IN IT! The minute he’s abusive, call the cops and press charges for DV and go straight to the court and file a TPO DO NOT WAIT. And have him removed from home. ***DO NOT EVER FILE A TPO IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FOLLOW THROUGH TO THE END!!!!!!!! So many use it as a ‘wake up call’ to bring the abuser back as a new person, then drop the order……and that RUINS it for the next victim including YOURSELF if you ever need another….(and if you drop it, I assure you there WILL be a next time).
If your serious……FOLLOW THROUGH! Validate yourself with the police AND the judges you will appear in front of by following the restraining orders to a T! If he violates them, call the police…..EACH TIME!!! Don’t play games with restraining orders!
Restraining orders make it easy to go NO CONTACT. You must follow them too…..A TPO which you can apply to get extended (states differ with time frames) is a great start of NC. Don’t fool yourself that you must have contact in order to save money with legal fees….this is a play for a spath to ‘talk you into ‘ whatever he wishes…..or have control over you….because he’s always been able to talk you into/outa things during your marriage. NC WORKS…..USE IT! It’s difficult at first….but dedicate yourself to it!
Your kids….. Not knowing how old they are, it’s a hard one for me. typically, 13 is the ‘free’ age. If a kid is 13 or older, the judge may ask for what they want. Keep in mind, if they are teenagers, and a judge orders shared custody and the kids don’t want to go……as long as YOU don’t interfere……they can’t be MADE to go.
So if your kids are older…..set up a custody arrangement where they have to meet dad at say…starbucks at 5pm on Wed. If they don’t show up…..it’s their deal….NOT yours.
If spath takes you back to court on this, a judge can’t and won’t force a kid to go.
I don’t have a lot of advise on younger ones…..mine were older.
I told my kids that I wasn’t going to fight for custody, since it was essentially redundant. They were older, they wanted NOTHING to do with spath father……..so it didn’t matter to me what a judge ordered….I knew they wouldn’t comply……and I knew a judge couldn’t make them. So I didn’t see a point in spending so much money on legal fees for redundancy.
In the end I got sole custody anyways……One of my jr’s got to speak to the judge (17) privately in chambers…..at Jr’s request….it was enlightening to the judge coming from JR of HIS experiences with spath father.
I know friends who the judges don’t want anything to do with seeing the young kids, they will send them to psychologists to testify on behalf of kids or have GAL’s for them as a voice. This is scary to me…..HOY!
Just don’t disparge the father to the kids…..it won’t serve you well. If your kids get it, great….if they don’t right now, they will see whatever they need to see in time. If you force it on them, they will only hate YOU later. Have faith that they will figure it out.
DO NOT CONFIDE In your kids about YOUR divorce. It’s YOUR divorce. There may be a time in the process which your kids turn on you……you will never expect this….but it’s common. Kids loyalty changes with the wind. You’d hate to give your kids power over you by sharing info on tactics or things as such that they could manipulate you by sharing with spath.
Kids will do the darndest things…..say for a WII game or a new bike from dad. We at LF have seen this regularly. Your kids are no different……..
So…..if you have the time and are safe, take that time to plot and plan, make sure this is what you want to do and make sure you are ready to follow through with a divorce.
He will come back with the lovebombs, make certain YOU are strong enough, ready and have made up your mind.
Do not tell a soul about your plans, watch who you trust….you’ll be surprised at the ‘friends’ you end up losing and betraying your confidence and the people who come into your life who you never expected as pillars (family included)……it’s a roller coaster of which you must be tightly buckled in to!!!!
I’m not an attorney…..I just slept in a Holiday Inn express last night…..and learned, through my own divorce experience and research, what worked in my case. I came out VERY successful in court.
Good luck.
EB
Erin,
that post is so good that it REALLY REALLY should be made into a blog post. It’s information that needs to be referenced by people on a regular basis and be easy to find.
Maybe you can ask Donna if she will make it a top blog post. It’s comprehensive, and it’s not really about legal advise as much as it is about practical stuff and keeping your wits about you – which is so hard to do when you’re taking emotional hits. Spaths know this, that’s why they do it, of course.