Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Erin Brock:
Thank you for one of the most informative posts on LF. Clearly written, simple to follow, step by step advice. I agree it needs to be a blog post. Shalom
I agree with Shalom, Erin. That is the best and most all encompassing I’ve ever read! All of it Excellent.
I third that motion – EXCELLENT
WOW! I’m amazed! I’m thunderstruck! Thank you so much Erin!!! Thank you for all your time, your wonderfully organized thoughts and advice! I need time to look through it all and try to apply it. The younger kid doesn’t want much to do with their father, but unfortunately he’s got my oldest one pretty much under his control. How would I get a credit history? Some of his salary is in the black, so though it’s in the bank statements, it can’t be proven that it’s a steady salary.
Average his salary out from the point of marriage to today. Go as far back as you can….it will serve YOU well. Since the economy will be exploited by him…poor me, I am not making anything……avg. it out over time. The economy will get better and he’ll still be required to pay child support then. And you can always take him back to court to up the support later. Especially if he get’s another job.
Like I said, unless your kids are in imminent danger, let that work itself out. They WILL see their father for what he is eventually…..it’ll kill ya in the meantime, but try to find a balance with it. Spath will all of a sudden become disneyland dad- dad of the year, buy the kids whatever and play them against you. Expect it. BUT…it won’t last….spaths are sprinters, not long distance runners. Show no emotion with it….and he’ll get bored and not want visitation as much because kids will get in the way of duping others, dating etc……
It’s a way to continue to control you. Keep your household running with the rules and morals you wish to instill in your children, because you don’t have any control over what they do at daddy-o’s, YOU be their teacher, YOU model to them what you expect them to take into the world. Document what they tell you about visits with daddy-o….time dates etc….and file police reports if needed…..but like a judge told my Jr….WE are NOT in the business of breaking up families. I know some states are horrific with custody, the child has to be dead in order to gain full custody. Judges don’t like to take custody/visitation away from either parent. This is where the legal system doesn’t ‘get’ the damage spaths do on children. Get your kids in counseling to deal with any issues. Expect them to not cooperate with counseling, but you’ve planted the seed for them to nourish, at a point they may be ready. It took my eldest Jr 3 years to go back to counseling on his own….it’s been a big benefit for him now.
I have provided the online info in the above post about running a credit report.
Sheila and ErinBrock:
Please help me. I have been though all of this and more. I have been divorced for 3 years now. I have joint custody of both of my children, but I have not seen either of them in 2 years. I had no idea I was dealing with a sociopath. I received counseling from a psychologist who determined that I have been dealing with a sociopath who is also a malignant narcissist. I also learned during the divorce. Now I am scared to death of him.
Your stories are my stories. I made mistakes early on. My daughters did not want to see their father, but I insisted because I thought it was the right thing to have a relationship with both of us. How incredibly misguided I was. He twisted everything around about me to our precious children.
Yes, do not ever share anything with your children in the divorce. My children stole my jewelry, found my hidden legal files and shared the contents with their father, went through my cell phone records and even hit me. I could hardly believe it was happening to me. I was the stay at home mom. The Mom who took care of them, attended all the school functions, volunteered, etc. My life was my children. Yes, they will turn on you in a heart beat.
My ex-spath is a disney dad too. There are no boundaries, accountability etc. He just bough our youngest 16, a BMW, but claims in court he has no money. He buys them everything — and I mean everything.
When my youngest daughter got caught sealing from the house again, I called the police, in an effort to just talk to her about violating the court’s orders. There was no intention of arresting her. However, the spath came over to my house with the other child, yelled at the police officer and got within 5 ft of the officers face. The spath lied to the officer about me, and our youngest daughter stepped in the said that her father was lying. I was shocked at the spath’s arrogance in front of the police officer. I am always scared of him. Always.
The spath convinced our daughters to testify against me in court that I was an unfit parent. However, in the psychogical testing, some 10 years prior, he was the one with serious anger issues. The court did not allow the children to testify because of my attorney’s objection.
I am asking and pleading, will my daughters every see the truth about her father? I want to love them, but I am so afraid of them. I do not know them anymore, nor can I trust them. What happened to my wonderful daughters who I laughed with, tucked into bed, have heart to heart talks to about boys and life. Where are they? and why do they believe their father.
I will also say that that my oldest, now 18, is so much like her father. It really scares me. Exhibits so may characteristics of a spath. Will they ever see the light?
My oldest has hit me, threatened me and she to me that she knew her father was going to divorce me prior to me filing for divorce.
Its Christmas time, I have tried over the years to connect with them. I have sent emails, small gifts, cards, etc. I do not have very much money. When I sent an email to my oldest, she said that if I sent anyone she was going to call the police because of harassment. So I stopped emailing her and did not send her a Christmas card. Then I hear from the spath that her feelings were hurt because I did not sent her a card. I cannot figure this out at all. I am so worn out and have just about given up all hope.
This Christmas, I would like to just send a card and say to them both, I am wishing you all the best in their lives, and hope you are well. I want to be apart of your lives. Merry Christmas.
I do not want to appear as if I am begging, but what else is there to do?
What are your thought on this? I have desperately tried everything, with no response from them at all. Any suggstions would be appreciated. I have almost given up all hope.
The spath is suppose to pay my alimony, but he doesn’t. I have been through countless attorney’s, but I have found they just rake you over the coals in legal fees with no results.
Please any advice would be appreciated. I have spent countless days crying over what I have lost, years without my children, due to their father’s lies. I need to have some closure. My health has suffered seriously over the past three years as well.
Please I hope to hear from anyone on this subject, especially ErinBrock and Sheila.
survivor again – you are in the state that we call ‘shock and awe’ – i hear how impossible it is to accept all these horrible things happening, and the end of the dream of ‘family’.
but accept it you must. the ex and your oldest sound dangerous to your heart. please disengage from them. when you look at what they really are – they are not people you can have in your life. they are abusive and horrible NOW – the past is gone. I am so sorry, but it is true and you need to work on accepting that to live well and happy will mean not living with them in your life.
take care of yourself and build your own life again.
Dear Survivor again,
One of my son is a psychopath (just like his grandfathers) and is in prison…he stole from me, stole from others, lied about me, lied to me, hit me…etc. and is now in prison for murder. It broke my heart that he was like my P sperm donor, but there is a big genetic component. It took me decades (he is 40) but I have finally come to peace with it. My “son” the little boy I loved and nurtured is GONE, just as if he were dead—the MAN with the same name and facial features is NOT my son, not that little boy I loved and the man is a STRANGER to me. I cannot be a part of his life.
My other biological son isn’t a psychopath, but he is not an honest man,, he doesn’t respect me, and I don’t think he truly loves me…his behavior to me is not honorable or honest, he does not honor his word to me. I asked him to exit my life. It hurt very much but it was the only way I could survive.
I have an adopted son that is a good man, an honorable man, and one that I am proud of. Not proud because I made him what he is, I didn’t, HE DID! But proud to have him for a son and a friend, the MAN he is is a good one.
It hurts to “lose” your children, those kids that you loved, but if you can separate the adults that they are (or are becoming) from the little kids that were sweet and loving, and remember those little kids, and come to grips with the fact that those children are GONE….then you can have peace.
You may, truthfully, never have a relationship with those children who are now grow/n/ing up…but IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
It is not my “fault” my son Patrick chose to steal and lie, it is not my fault that he murdered that young woman, it is not my fault he is in prison. I taught him morals and honesty. It is not my fault that my other son lied to me, broke the deal we had, and that he has repeatedly done this to me, or that he has failed to warn me when there were psychopaths “out to get me” and he knew it….but I can’t “be in his life” and trust him. I can’t change his behavior or feelings.
Yes, if you send a card they will be angry about that, if you do NOT send a card they will be angry about that. No matter what you do, it will NOT PLEASE THEM.
Accepting the FACT that you cannot please some people, and that for right now, you cannot have contact with your kids….and it is not up to you to change that. You CAN NOT change that. BUT, it is NOT your fault. Nothing you did in the past or can do in the future will change it.
YOUR KIDS ARE OLD ENOUGH TO MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS and if they are not psychopathic themselves, there is a chance that they will come back, but don’t hold your breath. Between P genetics and P parenting on the part of your X, they may indeed turn out “just like their father.” I sincerely suggest that you buy and read Dr. Leedom’s book “Just like his father” about this very subject.
Most importantly though, DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. (((hugs))) and God bless.
OX and One: Thank you for your responses. I am so heartbroken and broken — I can’t even put words on this page to describe my pain. WHY?
I raised these girls, loved them, taught them, nutured them. WHY?
Please tell me and show me how to let go. It has been 3 years since my divorce. I have never seen so much hatred in my daughters as I saw 3 years ago.
Do I send a card at Christmas? Here is my concern, when I don’t do anything, spath’s attorney says “Mother doesn’t care about her daughters”. I can’t win for trying.
No, I will never ever trust either of them again. I have to accept what they all are.
I am sure, OX, you can understand my loss as well as anyone else who has had to say good bye to their children. The pain is so very deep.
Sadly, my own sister, has contact with them daily and behaves like she is their mother. She refuses to share anything about my own daughters with me as she says “she doesn’t want to betray their trust”. What about my trust and be being her “sister” and their mother.
My other sister and I will not have anything to do with her. My other sister has not had any kind of relationship with her for abouat 10 years. She figured her out alot sooner than I did. Now after reading about spaths and the damage, it is clear that my own sister is a spath also.
How do you recover? I will get a copy of the book and read it and learn it.
I just had to terminate an email account as the spath kept sending me emails even after I blocked out all of his own email addresses. DONE.
I have to go back to court yet again…. for spaths failure to comply with court orders. Do these spaths ever tire? It seems like they have never ending energy to terrorize.
I am going to truly try to not blame myself, but how could all of this have happen right before my eyes?
Here is a question for all of you, I blogged earlier…..
My oldest daughter mentioned, off the cuff, maybe, or maybe not, that the spath was going to divorce me. I filed before him and I am sure he was furious.
I mentioned to all of you that I truly believe my food was being drugged. My head dropped to my chest as I ate dinner one night. I am the only person in my household that drinks whole milk. I drank the entire glass and I could not even walk up the stairs to bed. Is is possible that the spath would do this and have my daughters involved as well?
Please be patient with me. This is very hard to accept that I may never see them get married, see my grandchildren, etc.
I have the worst nightmares recalling everything that has happened to me. When will this stop too?
Please respond to me.
Dear Survivor,
I am so sorry that you are going through all of this, and yes, it does sound like your daughters are following in the footsteps of your husband. It IS very much genetic. Probably if your sister is psychopathic and it sounds like she might be….with her triangling and seeing your daughters etc. At the VERY LEAST she is not emotionally healthy…
I won’t sit here and tell you that it will be “easy” or “quick” because it will be NEITHER EASY NOR QUICK. My fondest wish was to be a grandmother and have a special relationship with my sons’ children…not gonna happen and I grieved for those unborn children that I loved even before they were conceived, but in the end, I am GLAD now that they were never born, because I realize that they would have just been more ammunition for the psychopaths to shoot at me emotionally.
You are not the only one here on LF who has offspring that are pathy, KatyDid has only one daughter and that daughter she is seeing is “just like her daddy” and it is ripping Katy’s heart out, just as it did mine and does yours.
I actually had a little ceremony like a funeral where I buried my P son at about age 12, I destroyed almost all the pictures of him after about that age…and try to remember the cute, sweet little boy that he was and how much I enjoyed being with him, not to focus on the evil man that he became who could in cold blood put a gun to a young woman’s head and pull the trigger, then BRAG about doing it.
It isn’t easy to compartementalize the man versus the boy, the love versus the evil, but I’ve worked on it, and cried rivers of tears, Survivor, but over all I can live with it….that is all I can say.
It is difficult, painful, but you can survive…we must put our trust in our God (whatever that belief is) and in ourselves to BE content, BE at peace, and to BE happy again.
Another book that I found VERY helpful was Dr. Viktor Frankl’s book “Man’s Search for Meaning” that he wrote after being in the Nazi prison camps for years and losing everything and every one, only saving his own life….it gave me hope to go on no matter what. If he can do it with all he lost, so can WE—so hold my hand, you are surrounded by caring people here on Love Fraud, who have experienced the tremendous losses you have! We are here for you! God bless. (((hugs)))