Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Survivoragain~
I am very sorry that you are going through this ordeal. I am also the mother of a daughter who has broken my heart into a million pieces.
As far as sending the Christmas card, I will tell you what a psychologist told me several years ago when I was also trying to decide whether or not to send my daughter a birthday card. She said it will not matter to her if you send a dozen roses or nothing. She will look at either in the same way. You can’t do anything right in her eyes, so do whatever it is you feel right doing. Do it for yourself, not your child.
I also understand having to weigh what you do or don’t do on how some attorney or some judge is going to react. There is a time when you have to stop worrying about how things you do are going to be judged. It is time, like Oxy said, to take care of yourself and to survive.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Stay strong.
Erin
PLEASE PLEASE get your post to Donna, ask her to make it a leading blog post. It is fantastic. Well done!!!!!
Athena
Athena, ALREADY IN THE WORKS! Not to worry!
Dear Survivor,
I’m heartbroken for you! What a terrible pain to be going through. Will my daughter be like that? It’s too awful to think of! I’m new to this and I don’t know if it’s right – those with more experience please let me know, but I would try to send a card. I would tell myself it’s a last effort and after that I can start a clean slate and not make another effort. I would do it especially for the youngest daughter. What if she’s not a spath and she’s surrounded by a father, sister and aunt who are?! It’s worth saving her! I would write a letter saying that you’ve always been their mother who’s loved them and cared for them and that you want to have a close relationship with them. Tell them they’re mature enough now to realize that you’ve reached out to them and now they can respond. If they want a relationship, you’re here. Then leave it and do nothing more. Since you’ve been a stay at home mom for so long, find yourself. Find out what your interests are. Join that health club, take a course to give you skills to get a better job. Take up a hobby. Go out with friends. Do something for YOURSELF. You’ve suffered so much, it’s time you have some pleasure in life. That’s the biggest revenge to a spath! Show him that he can’t get you down, that you’re worth something, and happy with yourself. Do all those things you couldn’t do all those years that you had little kids to take care of!
For everyone else, is there something I can do that my daughter won’t end up like her father? I once had a heart to heart talk with her and I really believe she answered me honestly that she does feel other people’s pain. She is more unemotional and rarely cries (for others). But she is very kind and helpful to anyone who needs help. She can’t stand when a kid is crying and tries to help them. I think she’s just got a bad example of an abuser (her father) and copies him sometimes towards me, but I don’t think that it’s her real personality inside.
OXY and MILO: Thank you for your response. I will try my very best to stay strong. It is Christmas, and very difficult. Yes, I am Christian and a believer in God. Throughout this terrible ordeal, I know God has been watching over me. I have never been without food, clothing, shelter or friends. How blessed am I. Look at all of you who have offered guidance.
Sheila: Regarding the card, we (spath and I) have been told that we are not communicate anything about this divorce to our daughters 18 & 16. I have not, since I do not see them. I, know, the spath does. If I should write a letter or card to my youngest daughter, I am chancing that she will give it to her father and I will be in contempt of court. I cannot afford to take the chance.
I think just a card for the two of them wishing them a joyous and wonderful Christmas will be all. I will also let them know I am thinking of them and praying for them.
Also, Sheila, it is difficult to do almost anything since the spath does not pay the alimony he is court ordered to pay. As you all are aware, the economy is in shambles, and I have not worked for some 17 years. I have not been able to find a job. So needless to say, there is not extra cash for fun things to do.
Sheila, I, too, am new at this site, just a mere week. I only wish I had found it years ago. How blessed are you to have all of us to help you though. Don’t give up on your daughter. How old is she? Just be very careful. Don’t be too trusting as I have experienced, they will turn on you in an instant.
Thank you all so very much for your kind words and guidance. When will the nighmares, true nightmares, end so that I can get a peaceful night’s sleep?
Unfortunately, even without reading the book “Just Like His Father”, I can see the very same characteristics in my oldest daughter. I even read some of the blogs about disciplining children who are “fearless”. Oh my gosh, it is the words of my spath ex-husband. He would tell me, it doesn’t matter how much discipline you give her, it doesn’t matter, it will not stop her or change her, she is just like me”. When the saw those words in the commentary about children of spath, I realized more than ever that my oldest daughter is also a spath.
Here is a question for all of you who have had to cut all ties with your children, how do you explain all of this to people what you meet without sounding cold/indifferent or like the court awarded custody to your ex?
People are very judgmental and then think you are an unfit parent or abusive parent.
Please respond.
ERIN: Thank you so very much for your well thought out blog. It should be posted. I only wish I had all of this knowledge 5 years ago before I filed for divorce so that I would be more well-equipped to handle the inevetitable.
Dear Survivor,
What other people think must become NOT IMPORTANT TO US. That is difficult too, but for example…back in 1491 Columbus was about the only one in the world to think the world was round, but the fact that NO ONE BELIEVED HIM did not change the SHAPE OF THE WORLD or the truth.
It is difficult, and I share your frustration, when no one believes us, but WE KNOW THE TRUTH and sometimes what we know as truth is all we can do. Validate ourselves. Not look for others to validate us. TRUTH IS STILL TRUTH IF NO ONE BELIEVES IT. (((hugs)))
Sheila: You asked how to get a credit history. It is very simple. Go the the website FreeCredit.com. It is free. You will have to answer some questions about your ex, most of which I would think you will know. If you answer correctly, from what I have been told by others, you will have access to his credit history, all of the cc, how the money is being spent etc. Good Luck. I understand that it worked for a few friends, hopefully it will work for you also.
If not, if you have an attorney, they can run a credit history for you also. It will cost you attorney time. Try the first.
Good Night Everyone. Hopefully I will get some much needed rest.
God Bless.
Survivor;
I (fortunately) haven’t had the heartbreak that you’ve had with your kids.
That said, here is my best advice. You will be their mother regardless of any circumstance.
No-one can take that from you.
I would suggest keeping in touch and not giving up…..heres why.
Kids go through so much in the teen years. Then add a spath father and divorce to the emotional mix. It’s turmoil spinning in their minds.
When my kids were kidnapped by spath, I felt the betrayal….I felt the break of trust, I felt I was never going to get my kids back.
In the fashion my kids were taken, they were duped. I didn’t understand, and quite frankly still have a hard time understanding some of it.
Regardless, it happened.
Once I discovered where my kids were, I called, emailed and left messages. The kids were told I was mentally Ill and not to speak to me. They wouldn’t take my calls. I continued to call and email and keep in touch with a contact ‘close’ to them. That contact acted as my go between.
I believe that by doing the above, it showed them my love. It showed them they could count on me and I was always here for them. (mentally Ill or NOT!) LOL!
But really……it confused them that I would continue to call their school, talk to teachers, email them and call them and send easter baskets and cards. I was the same parent as I was at home……and just because they were gone and being austracized from me, this didn’t take away my parental rights OR love and concern for them.
The minute I saw an opening to them…..I took it! I left my treatment early in Houston and flew to where they were. My brother was the only one who knew I was coming. He was the go-between. He didn’t share this with anyone.
I showed up on the streets where my eldest Jr was hanging out with his new friends from school……and blindsided JR. I tried calling him repeatedly, he didn’t answer. I always called from MY number, UNBLOCKED so he knew it was me calling.
My brother called him and he ansered…..telling brother where he was at. Brother called me and told me where to go to find him. I did.
Sometimes I would call Jr 10 times repeatedly…..until he answered. Sometimes I’d just call once and leave him an I love you message.
I know kids didn’t get what I’d send to them, unless it was mailed to my brother.
I found a loophole…..and that was my brother.
Point is…..Keep showing your kids you love them, don’t ever give up. EVER!!!!! At some point in time, I believe they will see the ‘light’ and come back to you.
They will find it hard to come back to you if you haven’t taken the long haul with them…..for them.
Sometimes I feel like its’ a test. They learn it from the spath. It gives them power in this world….and unfortunately, YOU are the one getting hurt.
Believe, there WILL come a day…….BELEIVE!
My day came on that ‘visit’ when no one knew I was coming. I spent 1/2 hour with JR and dropped him off at my parents home where spath had taken them months earlier. I asked Jr if he wanted to spend some time with me…….he said yes, but he didn’t think gram/gramps would let him…..I told him it was NOT up to them, I was his mother and legal guardian. If HE wanted to come with me……I would pick him up the next day after he did his chores and we would spend as much time as he wanted together. He stayed with me at my brothers for a week. On the last night…..we sat in the car in a parking lot as he gazed out the sun roof. He said……OMG…do you remember when spath took us to that drug house???? AT THAT MOMENT…..I knew HE HAD GOTTEN IT! He said…..He’s done the same thing again!!!!!!
I said….Yes…..
His brain rolled with the reality of what he had been duped into.
He had gotten it!
I couldn’t have foreced it on him……HE GOT IT ON HIS OWN.
The other Jr’s followed……at different points…..but on their own
The kids have had NO Contact since that point with their spath father…….THEY GOT IT, and with the behaviors that followed……..they learned all about the toxic father they were born from. ON THEIR OWN!
I’ve always told my kids……they can have a relationship with anyone they choose…..(Toxic Grandparents or Spathfather) It must be THEIR relationship and NOT include me in any form. But I will always be there for them!!!
Just keep the faith…….it’s painful…..but YOU are their mother and no one can ever take that from you!!!!!