Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Since I just ‘spewed’ the advice out, randomly picking my brain……I will clean it up, add to it and submit it in article form when I have a moment to spend on it.
I’m glad you have found it helpful…..and I agree….I wish I had a ‘shortcut’ of advice that I didin’t have to research every inch myself during my divorce.
I don’t know ‘what’ guided me……but geeze….some good Karma and timing of decisions, documentation presentation and/or keeping things close to the hip and things I chose to do/when/how/where were KEY for me.
…..we can survive!!!
I’m with you on that EB:
Once we have figured out what we’re dealing with and learned to anticipate their potential next moves/scams, it’s like a quiet wisdom that just descends and settles all around us. Like snowflakes softly falling on our shoulders- all sparkly and pure and clean and white. At least, that’s how is for me. I have no idea where I get half the things I come up with these days – it’s just there, inside of me and it floats naturally to the surface.
Depending on what your spiritual bent is, there would be all kinds of ways that various individuals would explain this phenomenom.
For me, it felt like my guardian angel was gently showing me where to look and turning my head in the direction I should be listening and whispering “shhhhh” at me when I was being busy too loud or too busy.
Hope that all makes sense to someone out there 🙂
That’s great news EB. So many newbies come here asking those questions. We need a place to point them.
Aussie;
Oh…..I ‘get it’……can’t explain it……I just get it! 🙂
I call it my ‘do, do, do’ feelings. I’ve learned to listen when ‘told’…..and ‘turn’ when turned.
Just can’t explain it!
Thank you all for your contributions to this site and to Donna for creating it ”“ it has kept me afloat. You keep me company most nights and early mornings while I read the contents hoping to piece together the perfect way to beat the demon I invited into my life.
This morning I felt like being sick, I was reading the start of this segment and one of the comments said that a psychopath would let the cows starve even with food in the barn and I had a flash of my little one saying to me ’mommy why doesn’t daddy feed me.’
A combination of trying to be as fair as possible and knowing that my oldest son loves his dad and they do so much together that I sit with this dilemma with my youngest son from a different father (From reading this blog and his continued comments and actions I believe him to be a P). The Dilemma is that I do believe sons need their dads (but not abusive psychotic dads) but before I had a name for him I tried to take my feelings out of it and taking the advice of the family advocate (HUGE MISTAKE) and think what is best for my son. Now through a court order he is allowed to phone every night and gets to see and overnight with my little 3 year old often even more so over the holidays.
I looked at my little boy who had crept into bed beside me and I wanted to scream am I SO pathetic that I cannot protect this dear little soul that has been entrusted to me.
My oldest son loves watching the animated version of avatar and I became quite engrossed in it too. In the last episode the avatar is fighting the fire lord and instead of compromise his belief in not killing he takes the fire lord’s power away and he is left alive but powerless can we not do the same to these demented creatures.
OX, Milo, KatyDid and Sheila: THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING.
Erin: I have tried everything I possibly can. I have sent countless cards, birthday presents, easter baskets, valentines day candy and cards, halloween candy, Christmas gifts. Never forgot an important event or accomplishment in their lives. Talked to teachers and even looked at their grades. There is nothing that I have not done for my daughters. My life was my daughters and has been my life. I have to let go.
I never expected anything in return. The hatred I have seen in their eyes for me is frightening. I do believe, if they all (spath included) had the chance, I would be gone forever.
I understand the rights I have as a Mother. However, I have made some terrible mistakes by wanting my daughters to have a relationship with their father, even though, at the time, they wanted nothing to do with him. I have paid the price dearly — they are just like him. I believe they are lost forever. I am afraid of them. They have stolen from me, hit me and I even believe drugged me.
I have also been accused of being “mentally ill” by the spath. My daughters told me that they were to be “very careful” around me because of my illness. I am not mentally ill at all. I was told all of this prior to my filing for divorce by my youngest daughters. I am wondering how long the spath had been working on them.
I was told by my spath’s attorney that he told him If he could not have me nobody would. Hence a retraining order was put in place by his attorney. It did nothing to prevent the spath from following me and harassing me. It did not matter.
The spath also told me that if I ever left him, he would destroy me, he would leave me penniless, homeless and I would never see our daughters again. Erin, I lost everything — I mean everything. But, I will say, I have Freedom and am learning Peace. I have an unfailing Faith. He may have won the battle, but I won the war. I am gone.
The spath lied under oath, changed his story 3x about his raping me. One version with our pastor (the truth), the second under oath in court, another version and again with a family investigator yet another story. All of the versions, were written down, and when presented in court nothing was done.
I can’t stress to you enough the about of tears I have shed, kleenex I have used and lost sleep over my daughters and how my health has suffered over the worrying. There is absolutely nothing more that I can do. They are now 16 & 18 and are very capable of making their own decisions. I was not invited to my oldest daughters HS graduation, even though I sent her a graduation gift.
I am beginning the process of acceptance. I will probably not see either of them graduate from college, ever see them at a college function, meet their boyfriends, have those mother-daughter chats about life, or be at their weddings. I cannot loose any more sleep or heartache any longer. It is destroying me. I have to let go.
When this whole mess started the first time, they were 5 and 7. I filed for domestic violence and child abuse. He hit me, pushed me down the stairs and I ended up in the ER. He hit our daughters as well. He was in jail for 2 days. I foolishly took him back against my attorney’s better judgment. Attorney told me that these people do not change, but I thought mine was the exception. He was charged with 2 counts of child abuse and 1 count of DV. However, he pleaded to a lessor charge and was court ordered to attend DV and anger management classes, none of which he finished.
Why do my daughters stay with their abusive father? I understand from the neighbors that he pushed my oldest daughter down the stairs, spit on her, took her drivers license and froze her bank account. She wanted to leave the state and go to my family, but he would not let her go. Why does she stay?
Plenty of people have tried to talk to my daughters about their father and the lies he has been telling them about me and the divorce. But, no matter who is it, grandparents, counselors, guidance counselors at school, friends all she says is “my father would never lie to me” Its all my mother’s fault. There is no way of convincing them. It is total brainwashing.
My daughters are now young adults and very capable of making their own decisions. They have my address and know that I love them. I cannot do anything more. I will continue to communicate with cards. BTW, they are always sent restricted delivery so that I am certain they are received. This also infuriates the spath. I want to be certain they are receiving the gifts/cards that I send to them.
Both of my daughters have been to counseling with their father. What I have been told is that the spath tells the counselor whatever she wants to hear. Within minutes of leaving the office, the spath tells our daughters he is going to do whatever he wants. My youngest has given up on all counseling. She told one of my friends that it is a total waste of her time and that she sees hope and then the spath does whatever we wants. He manipulatves the system again at the expense of our daughters. They are now figuring it out.
I am a loving mother with a lot to offer. I will always pray for them every morning and every night as I do now and have done in the past. I will now give my love and affection to some child at my church who does not have a mother who cares about them. I will help them, encourage them, nuture them. It will be good for my soul. It’s Christmas time the season of hope.
I have to learn to forgive my ex-husband my daughters and move on in this new year.
Please, I hope to hear back from all of you. I will always love my daughters, but for now I cannot be a part of their lives. They are toxic.
survivoragain ~
You have done everything a loving mother can do, and then some.
Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Dear Survivor again,
I agree with MiLo, you have done all you can and your continuing prayers are for your benefit as much as theirs….sometimes God calms the storm, and sometimes He calms the frightened child.
Forgiveness I think means to get the bitterness out of your heart about something, it does NOT mean that you must reestablish a relationship or trust as well.
Your X has probably “trauma bonded” the daughters to him, as happens in many abusive relationships. You were trauma bonded to him for a while (like when you went back to him against your attorney’s advice.) If your daughters are not psychopaths, they may eventually realize the truth and break the bonds like you did.
I suggest that you read “The Betrayal Bond” which is about trauma bonding and how it works. It may answer some questions for you about why you stayed, and why they stay.
Keep your faith strong. We don’t know the “whys” always, but we do know that we can accept what IS that is something we cannot change. Focus your love on someone who will willingly receive it, someone who needs it and wants it. ((hugs))) and God bless.
To Survivor,
Now that we see a lot more details, you’re right. You really have done as much as you could possibly do. You don’t have to feel guilty. You can only pray that they will get understanding of what their father is really like and one day come back to you. Or if they are spaths, to leave you alone. That’s a great idea about trying to help another needy child.
Erin, I just have to say that you’re a real inspiration! Where do you get your strength from? I am not in immediate danger, and my husband is a more subdued spath, though still toxic. I want to leave and don’t think the kids would go to him, though of course he’s going to fight it with all he’s got. I’m not financially stable and am working on that. My oldest is 15 and when she’s with her dad she’s a terror, but after a few days of not seeing him much, she’s back to being as normal as a teenager can be.
Thanks for the credit card history info Survivor and Erin. We don’t live in the States, so I’ll have to find another way.