Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Thisisme, how heart wrenching was that plea! How do you protect your little one? He is just a baby but you know babies grow up ….of course. And it may not be much of a comfort to you but it’s not always a given that they grow up irreparably damaged by their experience of bad parenting. Have faith in you and the love that you show your son. My children are grown up now. They have had their fair share of carp bestowed upon them by shiat parenting. You sound like a good mum. You care for and love your son. We naturally want to protect our children from bad people. Trouble is the bad people we want to protect them from have rights …..and our children have none it would seem. Crass, unjust society that feeds this belief that sees a child as another commodity. We don’t own them. We owe them. You keep fighting the good fight my dear.
Stay strong and best wishes
Thisisme,
Sorry I missed your post above until I saw Strongawoman’s reply to it.
It is frustrating, but with the “family courts” being what they are it is difficult to legally cut the ties with a parent no matter how much we know it is emotionally or otherwise abusive.
All I can suggest you do is to teach yourself as much as you can, and Dr. Liane Leedom’s blog (and books) about “parenting the at risk child” are good starts. Your child, as the genetic offspring of a psychopath has some genetic tendencies in that direction. Dr. Leedom’s son is from her P-X-husband so she is working really hard to teach him empathy and impulse control.
Read her articles here on LF as well, she is quite a wise woman.
Keep loving your son and SHOWING him your love. (((Hugs))) and God bless.
You all have been so wonderful to me, just a stranger, in the same sad circumstances. But together, we can pray for each other, assist each other from our wins and failures.
Thank you all for your kind words. It is a sad world that we live in, thinking we own children. You are absolultely right, we OWE our children, protection, love, kindness, morals/standards, consistent and loving discipline.
Please continue to keep me and my daughters in your prayers. I am truly learning to completely let go and let God, for I do not have any more answers or strength.
I will keep in touch when I have some more news. I wish you all a very blessed Christmas Season full of hope, peace and joy.
thisisme ~ I am sorry, I didn’t see your post at first either and I wanted to make sure I commented.
I think one of the questions is why do these evil, good for nothings, fight so hard (in court) to have custody or visitation with children they can’t even bother to properly take care of. When will the courts start looking out for the best interest of the child instead of “parental rights”. They should not even hold the title “parent”.
I know it must be so hard for you to know that your little son is not even being fed during his visits. I am so sorry. You probably already are doing this, but if not, start a journal and keep track of everything surrounding the visits. What mood your son is in prior to and after each visit. Is he very hungry and/or thirsty when he gets home. Is he dressed properly when returned. Is he showing up on time and dropping him off on time. Date and time of each call, i.e. is he going days without calling. Journal everything. I use a date planner with room to write on each date and I do it immediately so that I do not forget.
In this way, if you ever decide to go back to court to have visitation order amended, or even to a mediator who deals with visitation, you will have notes on everything.
Keep loving your son with all your heart and I admire you for fighting so hard for him.
Thoughts & Prayers to you
Stongawoman, Ox Drover, MiLo ”“ Thank you ïŠ I have taken note of all your advice.
Like a magician does his tricks with a slight of hand, smoke and mirrors so a P plays the Legal system. People see the illusion and for all that have discovered the truth it is an uphill battle to convince people that they are being conned.
The hardest thing for me, on an intellectual level, is that he is so illogical and my modus operandi is to identify the problem and make it better for all involved; I was also taught that you need to put yourself in someone else’s shoes but all of that is null and void in this situation. All my points of reference love, kindness, generosity; sincerity (to name a few) and I guess structure are nonexistent in this abomination who happens to be my son’s father.
My little boy is going to his P for five nights this evening ”“ please keep him in your thoughts.
I wish you all strength and wisdom; it is comforting to know that in this LF community I have a voice ”“ Thank you.
xxx
thisisme ~
“Put yourself in someone else’s shoes” just does not work with these people, apparently they don’t wear shoes.
I understand how hard it is for you to let your little boy go for the next five nights. We will keep him in our thoughts and prayers.
(((hugs)))
This is me,
Your comment about wanting to “put yourself in their shoes” is another great addition to the FALSE “TRUTHS” that we are taught….Milo is right, they do NOT have shoes! The phrase of course means to look at how that other person thinks, but it is IMPOSSIBLE for us to know how they think—without them having empathy, without compassion….etc. it is impossible for us, with empathy and compassion, to know to even figure out “how they think.”
Ox Drover
I talked to my therapist about that last night.
I can’t understand what it’s like to be my spath because there isn’t the “ORDER” in their brains that there is in ours.
I was also trying to put myself in the shoes of somebody close to me who has a PASSIVE personality. I’m not passive. But “passive” is closer to normal than SPATH. And I couldn’t put myself in the shoes of somebody PASSIVE either.
It’s really, really hard to actually see something from somebody else’s perspective.
Athena
Athena,
That is true, empathy is hard sometimes. But if you see someone who has lost a family member through death say, and they are crying, empathy is when you feel SAD WITH THEM. YOU have not lost anyone, maybe you don’t even know this person but it is someone on a news program, but you see and feel the sadness that the other person is experiencing. That is empathy.
The psychopath on the other hand can see the same thing, someone sad because they have lost a loved one, but the psychopath, without empathy, isn’t able to actually FEEL that sadness.
Understanding the psychopath, getting inside their heads, and being able to “connect” with them is very difficult, much more difficult than connecting with a normal person I think, because their value system, their moral compass (or lack of one) is not something we understand.
Oxy
Don’t I know it! I found an email I sent my spath in 2009 – I hadn’t known him that long…. I wrote this long letter to him encouraging him
“have a conscience”
“understand the difference between right and wrong”
“live in a manner such that you’re unafraid to have everything and anything you do printed on the front page of the wall street journal”
It cracks me up when I read it again, in retrospect.
I hadn’t figured out that he was a SPATH, and I didn’t know what a SPATH was.
And here I am, silly little ole me, thinking an EMAIL would CHANGE SOMEBODY. Like he’d read it, and say, “oh! I need to understand the difference between right and wrong. OK! Done!”.
Ha ha ha ha ha, it just kills me!
Athena