Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Athena,
I know. I’m guilty of the same thing.
We know that we can learn to be more empathetic, so we imagine anyone can.
But I like Milo’s analogy about spaths not wearing shoes. It’s because they HAVE NO FEET! Where would they put the shoes? We can’t imagine what it’s like to not have feet, at least, not easily. God knows I’ve tried. The spath just wears prosthetic legs so we can’t tell that they aren’t real legs.
Actually in the Reich Lowen tradition, they do say that the psychopath “lacks grounding”. They say that this is manifested in the psychopaths body by very small feet.
My spath had very small feet. You know what they say about men with small feet…it’s true.
Spath also said that when he was growing up, he walked on his tippy toes. Reich Lowen also say that spaths’ feet don’t really touch the ground – that there isn’t firm connection to the ground.
Anyone else notice small feet?
Yea, Athena, I think many of us have been sort of Pollyanna-ish in thinking that everyone has some good down in them, or that they think like we do, or have empathy, or simply that they WANT to do what is right. I also think that some of us (me at least) are a bit egocentric as well when we think that we have the POWER to find the right words to “change” someone else. LOL ROTFLMAO Yea, it is “magical” thinking to think that we are so powerful that we can change someone else.
Would be nice if we could. I honestly remember thinking “Oh, if I could just find the right words to get inside his head so he could see what he is doing to himself, my son would stop robbing, etc” LOL BOY was I naive to say the least! STOOPID might be a better word! LOL
OMG Sky – my daughter always walked on her tippy toes when she was a child.
Oh, before I forget, I wanted to mention that if the spath dirt bag sends you money, why not donate it to the Poison Control Center. Then they could write him a thank you note telling him how he is helping prevent poisonings…….
.
The spath in my life didn’t have small feet, but he looked like he was on stage, being held up by a big hook in his back (you know, in Peter Pan and some Operas where the character is swept across the stage by a hook in his back?).
It didn’t look right, and it sure wasn’t the posture of somebody relaxed and self confident. His neck was crunched, his shoulders hunched and too high.
I think it was the FEAR that is pervasive in SPATHS that manifested itself in a physical way.
With people who are born deformed, when you can see it in Downs Syndrome, or Cystic Fibrosis, or MS, or whatever it is, you can really see it and say, “oh, there it is”. With a spath, their deformity you can’t really see. It still boggles my mind every single day, and he’s not even in my life any more.
Athena
Today I’m exhausted and heatbroken. Yesterday I recieved the Family Court Supervised visitation report. It took everything within me not to completely break down. I’ve been working so hard to re-establish myself financially and raising jr i couldn’t allow myself to stop last night..
All I can say is I’m shocked and upset and don’t know what to do.
The spath was granted 12 supervised visits… He cancelled 3 times and by the 2nd cancellation they SHOULD have closed the case…
Instead this report stated “he is a nurturing and caring parent…and on the last visit called his father dada” Jr. just turned 1..and cannot distiguish those he knows closely…let alone someone he only saw 10 times over a 5 month span…
The report further CRUSIFIED me…I knew the case worker did not like me and the spath had her duped!! Big time…
I don’t know what to do. I finally thought maybe just maybe he would be gone. I fear this report will give him the fuel to carry the fire…
I don’t know what to do or what to expect. The report is so bias and factually incorrect. I know that an attorney could question it …however I cannot and do not have $ to continue with this (I can get it but don’t know if I should get an attorney onboard now or wait to see if something happens) He still continues to bleed me dry financially without even being part of my life anymore. I don’t know if he needs to petion to the court to have the case reviewed or if the state automatically sets a court date. I believe it’s automatic…
I’m in tears..this will never end. He pays no child support, owes me thousands in attorney fees, we were never married, no DNA test, not on birth certificate,he only filed a petition after he was served with a restraining order when jr. was 5 weeks old. All he did was spend $120 to file a pertiion and show up to court. He has complied with nothing required by the attorney….and SOMEHOW managed to dupe and get around the visitation requirements.This is my punishment and a new identity he has now created for himself.
I am floored. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the gut…I cn’t do this. I finally reached a point where I was starting to move forward..now this.
i don’t know what to do? Do I just be patient and wait? Do I get an attorney again? This report is beyond belief…I can’t spend money when it’s not necessary…I can’t be afraid of him and live like this worrying about my and Jrs future…
He does not care. This costs him nothing!! This state does not require child support with respect to visitation…IF i have to get a GAL..who pays for that. Jr. will not me safe with him.
I don’t know what to do.. right now nothing is happening so I guess I need to calm down and continue to focus on OUR lives. The spath has gone under the radar since the visits ended..after my car was vandalized. He is still around however all of his TELLS are gone. Somehow he knows something…I really don’t know what to do..
I’m afraid of what will happen..this CANNOT go on like this. Why won’t he just go away?
Dear Coping,
I suggest that though it will be a financial stretch that you consult with an attorney….an office consultation shouldn’t be all that much and at least should let you know what YOUR RIGHTS ARE….with him not being on the birth certificate and no DNA report…I think it is time you DENIED he is the father….and therefore HE WOULD HAVE TO SPRING FOR A DNA test….but I am NOT an attorney, so consult with an attorney to find out what your rights are, what you can do and then at least the ANXIETY OF NOT KNOWING would be lessened.
Put it on to him to PAY OR not play, then, move as FAR AWAY as you can AS FAST AS YOU CAN DO SO LEGALLY….NOW if the attorney says you can do so. As long as this guy is in your life, you and junior will be at his mercy! Good luck and God bless.! (((hugs)))
ps Coping I just thought too, if it is “illegal” for you to move away now, ask your attorney what the consequences would be if you did, it might actually be easier on you and Junior if you just moved away and then LET HIM HIRE AN ATTORNEY AND GO TO THE COURTS TO TRY TO FIND YOU….with Junior having him on the Birth Certificate, as long as you don’t ask for welfare where the welfare office would then have the right to go after the father, you ought to be in my estimation safe. YOu must make sure he cannot track you though, even if you can move legally.
TALK TO AN ATTORNEY though for advice, I am not an attorney for sure. Good luck!
Ox-
I did consult an attorney a few months back about relocation. Basically in this state I still need to petion the court to move. DESPITE the fact he has NO custodial rights…the supervised visits establshed minimal rights…DESPITE the 7- year restraining order-this state does not link DV with parenting. If I do not what would baically happen is he CAN go to court and get whatever he wants…which means I might even have to PAY to have Jr. come visit him. I would not be here to defend myself or Jr…and the case would go on without us.That would cost me 3-7K in attorney fees alone.
I was planning to save all I can and leave anyway…but can’t do it right now…
Now it enter the “new phase” of what he gets and how often. Protecting us will surely cost 3-7K easily…
Remember he does not WANT jr…just Monday and Tuesday and EVERY holiday (including mothers day). That in itself is a joke…
I don’t know. I feel so lost..he is playing a game., however this game is destroying me and Jr. (We are getting better but it continues) I need to think outside the box. I need to do something differntly. I’ve been following the rules…whereas he has none. I need to THINK like a spath.
Dear Coping,
I’m so sorry.
You said he didn’t do anything until AFTER you filed a restraining order. That speaks volumes. You made it clear that you were afraid and wanted NO CONTACT with him. You showed what you wanted and what you valued. So he went after it. His intent is simply to DEFY your desire for NO CONTACT.
This is why I’m having second thoughts about telling people to go NC. I think the GOAL should be NC, but the tool to get there should be GREY ROCK.
The idea of being boring was not my own. It was what a man I met in a sushi bar told me to do. I later called it gray rock.
He explained that any attempt to get a way from a spath would simply make them chase you.
The point of being boring is to make the spath think that it is HIS idea to leave you alone. Fight or Flight just excites the spaths. Freezing is a better option.
You can’t run, you can’t hide because you are the mouse and they are the cats. The only thing you can do is play dead – or boring. dead mice are boring. They kinda look like gray rocks. Cats walk away if there are no signs of life. Sure they will bat at you a little bit, but it gets old fast.
I’ve seen this work with mice, the mouse scurries away when the cat leaves.
Every time I had left my spath he would chase me down. Only the last time did he finally leave me alone – eventually. I never went NC, I just made any contact he had with me “unsatisfying”. No drama, only dry derision and mask removal came from my lips. I alternated between telling him how concerned I was for him because of his socipathic PD, to laughing at him for being so predictable. Each ploy was met with disgust.
Now he’s back to emailing me and I didn’t respond. I hope that was the right decision, but so far, all it has done is make him up the ante. I’m wondering if it was the right call. Maybe I should have responded with grey rock. Unfortunately, it’s too late now to change tactics. If I respond at all, I’ll just confirm to him that his increased prodding finally did the trick.
Coping, my point is that you have to do nothing that will confirm to him that he is getting to you. Behave as if you don’t care. I know it’s hard because it’s about your baby. But YOU HAVE TO, if you want to save your baby. Remember, everything about spaths is 180 degrees the opposite of normal.
Skylar and Coping,
Read the Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker who is an EXPERT at stalking….he goes over and over and over why NC is the only way, and yes, they DO up the ante when you first go NC…Sky remember the most recent stalker I had, she upped the ante then apologized then upped it again when I stayed NC….and that is what they do.
As deBecker said they will push and push and push and up the ante and you stay NC for 30 times, but then on the 31st they get a reply and they have taught themselves that it takes 31 TIMES to get you to reply, so they will never give up if you reply. Some still won’t give up, but it is the INTERMITTENT REINFORCEMENT PRINCIPLE that psychologists learned in how animals respond, it is why the SLOT MACHINE which gives you an Intermittent reward works.
WE MUST STAY NC, and not FEED THE TROLLS….I know in a situation where there is legal contact (like in co-parenting) there are times we must legally respond or break the law, but FEEDING the trolls even with gray rocks has been proven over and over and over again by people who DO GET IT that it just makes them come back for more. ANY Attention, even boring attention FEEDS THEM.