Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Skylar-
Thanks..we might have posted over each other. We haven’t spoken for a year since the RO went into effect. He makes no effort to contact me…yes my car was trashed…email hacked…ect. however he will not make DIRECT contact unless he cracks. That would mean jail for him and thats not something he wants or would benifit him. I believe he enjoys the illusion he has created of himeself as being the loving and caring father…who pays $1000 a month in child support.LOL…yep he gives it all away to the ex-bch. Thats why he is always so broke and can’t do anything or pay anyone back…ect., ect.,
Bottom line is I need to THINK like a spath. I cannot have emotions of any kind about him…erase the fear…erase the enxiety of the future….Work…focus on Jr…and save EVERY penny and then run like hell.
Oxy and Coping,
the problem is that they have memories of us being very good supply (I was the BEST). 😛
Those memories will not go away, they have to be replaced by new memories of “no fun there”.
Coping, you need to “plant a seed” of disinformation. When he has visitation dates, make it seem like you’re in a hurry to drop off Jr. because you have another appt.
Make it seem to the spath that these visitations are benefiting you because you are using the time to do other things which you otherwise couldn’t do.
If he doesn’t show, pretend to be exasperated and inconvenienced. – but not too much drama. Chance are he will make it a habit to show up even LESS than he does now. And remember, that is your goal, right?
Everything you want, pretend you don’t. Everything you don’t want, pretend you’re benefiting from it. Spaths can’t think things through, they only behave contrary to what they perceive as your emotional response.
Skylar-
How do you make a spath go away when part of thier “current illusion” is being part of something like fatherhood or false fatherhood. Remeember he has 2 other kids from different women he does not care about or support. It was only after he Petioned the court for visitation of Jr…AFTER the restraining order…that he contacted the mother of another child- after 7 years of ignoring her. He duped her and she is now one of his biggest supporters…if only she knew.
Skylar…should I be patient and wait for this illusion to go away? Will it eventually go away on it’s own? December 13th was my official 1 year NC date…yet we are still linked together….
He stays in my mind due to fear and uncertainty…wheras we are NEVER in his mind EXCEPT for what he can get. Does that make sence?
Dear Coping,
He is “renting space inside your head” and that is what you and ONLY you can do something about.
The worry, the anxiety you feel, the “borrowing trouble” and wondering this or that….those feelings seem to come out of no where but YOU CAN control them.
When you find yourself thinking thoughts like this. STOP!!!! Hold your hand up and say to yourself “STOP!” That is NON Productive thinking and renting him space and I will not do it.”
The brain actually is only programmed to “see” one “file” (thought) at a time, so we must actively think of something else to get the “bad thought” out of our focus.
It doesn’t have to be anything “big” just sing a nursery rhyme in your head or count your ABCs, pick a memory you love and think about it…..and focus on NOT thinking about him, about NOT allowing intrusive thoughts of him into your mind.
Hang in there! It does get better! (((hugs)))
ps. Sky’s advice about making him think you don’t care about the visitations is a good one, don’t give him any notice that he is causing you distress….when you DO have to have contact, then be boring, but in the meantime, don’t let him intrude on your thoughts!
Ox-
I like that…thank you.
Realistically the report is ONLY a piece of paper. As of RIGHT NOW it means nothing. I cannot not change it, I cannot be afraid of it, I cannot control the outcome of what “might” happen 4 months down the road. I must wait..Patiently wait..while living MY life. Securing a home and giving love to Jr., if I don’t stop and think like that life will never move on…I will never be a good mother and I will never be able to re-build all that has been lost.
A time will come to address this…At that time it will be addressed. It doesn’t seem fair and it hurts but as I have seen life just isn’t fair. I will just add that piece of paper to my mental mental list of spath dupes…
I can’t do anything now. So why worry? Right now we are safe…that is the most important thing. Time will move on regardless…I guess it’s just my attitude that needs to change (towards him).
Thank you. 🙂
Coping, RIGHT ON!!! You can’t change him, you can’t change what he does, you can only change your attitude about it! Right now, the most MOST important thing is that you be a good mother to Junior, and I bet that he doesn’t mess with you much, he will find a new victim sooner or later (look at his last patterns of behavior) just keep your head low, and in the meantime, love that little boy!
Check in with Dr. Leedom’s blog about “parenting the at risk child” and be the best mommy that any little boy ever had! (((hugs))))
Coping,
Spaths are story driven characters. They NEED a story in order to feel “real”. Your spath has created the story and it is now his facade. He’ll tell it to everyone he can. The more people believe it the more “real” it becomes. This is why they are such sick f*cks, they are not even beholden to reality.
You have to change the story line. Tempt him with new characters, new plots and new drama and adventure. The word “tempt” is appropriate because it is an appeal to his narcissism.
I don’t have a specific idea or advice. Only to watch for opportunities to “add to his story-line”. You will have opportunites to “wear a costume” or “add a prop”. My spath did this all the time, in order to pull off his cons. It’s called “frame control”. The person observing, makes assumptions about what they are observing.
My evil spath even got some goons in black SUV’s to follow me around at the end of our relationshit. He wanted me to believe that we were under surveillance by Homeland Security. This was to scare me and to make me sign out business over to him.
When he did this, I played along. I called him and sounded scared, “spath I’m being followed by a black SUV with all kinds of electronic equipment on the dash, I’ve taken video of them. But don’t worry I won’t drive to your hanger so they won’t know where I’m going.” LOL!
He was convinced I was falling for his BS. Then I could do other things like not answer the phone and when he asked why, I would say, “because, I think it’s bugged.” 🙂
Remember, they are just like children living in neverland. sickos.
skylar:
It’s funny you should say that because mine told stories all the time…talked, talked, talked…all kind of stories about anything and everything. He talked all day long yet never said a thing!
Coping ~ I just saw your post. What do I say. I’m so sorry. Just a couple of things I will add. You are right that the report is just a piece of paper, however it is an inaccurate, false and misleading document. If left unchallenged, it could come back to bite you. If the court stated that 2 missed visits cancelled the case, then this needs to be challenged. 3 out of 12 missed visits should be HUGE, in the eyes of the court. I don’t care how “nurturing” he pretended to be, HE MISSED 3 out of 12 visits. Anytime anything is found to be “false”, it should be dealt with right then, because if not it is viewed as Oh Well, she didn’t seem to mind at the time. Or, that fell through the cracks.
Coping, when discussing these missed visits use the word CONSISTENCY a lot. Social workers, GAL’s, judges respond to that word. It is universally known that kids this age NEED consistency, even if just in visits.
I know it is a financial hardship, but I think you need to talk to an attorney sooner rather than later. Often times it is easier to put out the “small fires” before they grow. I think there are a lot of issues in your case that need looking into, again before he files something else.
You asked about who pays a GAL – usually the fee is split between the two parties, not always (our case), but most of the time.
Again, I am so sorry, I wish there was more I could help you with.
Coping,
Just read your post. So sorry you are going through all that with your ex.
Try some present moment living. No “should have done/ could have done” this or that OR “what ifs” …..they’re particularly unhelpful.
Living in the present moment.
Wishing you and your son blessings and peace