Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Gosh, this is a hard situation. I just spoke with a national Psych expert whom I paid to look into my case and evidence and who said that mine was pretty dangerous. He suggested NO CONTACT, record everything, depose all witnesses and all potential witnesses, and build as strong of a case as possible. No court will “Bastardize a child” which is lousy considering we are dealing with anti-humans to begin with and will surely have our share of worries with child raring in its own right. I understand about living in fear too and in the shadow of “But he cold claim his rights” and I think that once you have enough hard evidence to counter his superficial charm, your attorney may be right in a sense of at least filing for SOLE custody to you. However, it’s been my experience, in learning of legalities concerning Custody issues, that no matter how bad the person is, the father gets at least supervised visitation (some states do have laws for removal of paternity, but these are pretty high standards to meet). To that extent, when planning the future of your baby, he may or may not choose to be involved. The expert explained that it is not about the child but about control and this is one way that they feel they have power over us.
JillSmith,
There is one thing I thought about and it may be helpful to discuss with your attorney: the baby was born while you were married. But, he has no father listed in the birth certificate. While married the husband is presumed to be LEGAL father, but if someone stepped in to claim paternity, and even adopt the child, now that you are divorced, it may be possible. If you don’t know about S’s whereabouts and are under legal protection, it may be that his signature of release of paternity may be waived and therefore a new “father” (your Dad, your brother, someone you trust, etc.) can assume responsibilities. I know that there are 60 Days only to appeal Affidavit of Paternity. If your ex does not appeal paternity within 60 days, it may be that he’s lost it for good. This is by no means a legal advise, but something that may assist you in “removal” of fear, his control over you and the baby, and moving on with your life. hope this information is helpful to you. let me know please what your attorney says, just for my education (I wish I could do something like that, but it was actually my S whom I trusted and will never forgive myself for that).
PLEASE! TO ALL LOVEFRAUD MEMBERS: I am desperate. I am at a crossroads. I cannot even begin to explain the hell I have been through and am currently in because of my Sociopath Ex-husband. I really need your advice.
Keep in mind, I have a little 15 month-old baby that I am trying desperately to keep safe. I am at my wit’s end about how to deal with my situation. My situation is beyone horrible right now, and I’m someone who has spent my life looking on the “upside”, so this is a HUGE understatement. I need advice from people who have faced raising a child, either within a marriage or divorced and co-parenting, with a Sociopath. Please, please, please give me your advice.
Thank you.
Katya,
Thanks so much for responding. You have given me a lot to think about. I’m going to process it and respond after I do so.
I have a friend who I trust that volunteered to put his name on my son’s birth certificate. He is responsible and has it together, so I’m covered if he is ever brought into a court situation. He really gets what I’m dealing with. What you said in your post made me think I should follow through with his offer. Thank you for your insight.
Is there any way to edit posts (spelling mistakes or typos) after you post them?
::embarrassed::
I can’t spell anymore. Can anyone else in the Spellcheck Generation empathize?
There is no edit button I am aware of or I would delete half of what I say –oops~! dang I wish I hadnt said that…and if someone comes along and start’s correcting our miss spelling we will attack them with iron skillits……or is skillets?
Skittles. 😀
I’m just bumping this thread back up to the top because I’m really needing some advice, for those who may have not seen this thread. I’m at the crux of my situation and am about to make big decisions that will probabloy have an effect on my baby’s and my whole lives. I really appreciate any insight any of you might have.
James says:
sp in kc
“The other thing I want to add is that WhoAmI is absolutely correct in what they are saying about winning a sociopathic court battle. You MUST use their own mental disability against them, but you CAN win, because they are utterly predictable. Sociopaths lie constantly about everything, even when there is absolutely no reason to do so. The more you document, the better your chances of getting custody.”
And how right you be!
The old saying applies to them so much it’s scary at times”
“Give them enough rope and they will hang themselves”
As for predictability, I can sometimes almost set my watch to it. Really they are that predictable”
Thursday, 25 June 2009 @....... 9:55pm
JAMES….CAN YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS FURTHER…I AM TRYING TO GET A BETTER GRASP AROUND THIS CONCEPT OF PREDICTABILITY….MY S IS A DEADBEAT DAD TRYING TO BEAT THE SYSTEM…any help would be much appreciated….thanks!!
endthepain
I will try..
Whenever I talk with my ex s/p I knew not to believe anything she told me and that became my rule number 1. Also whenever I had to deal with my ex, I knew I was dealing with someone that have the maturity level of a teenager, let’s say about maybe around 15 or 16 years of age. They get fix/struck in this emotional and mental stage due to the disorder. So if one told a teenager to do something you know they would do it reluctantly or not do it at all. Sometimes when talking to our teen children they hear and understand part of the message and only that part, which concerns them, the rest is lost so that we need to replete ourselves over and over again. The same goes for them. Like remember you have to pick up blank on blank time and then replete it again whenever you get the change too. They will (like a teenager) get mad at you for doing it but ignore it. We get to know our children and can predict what they might do and/or might not do. Treat them in the same manner. Our children respect us when we do thing consistently but don’t expect this from them. Still the rule applies so be consistent and clear-cut on whatever you are relating to them. Never again let me replete never show fear or any type of weakness. It’s like blood to a shark and they will home on it ASAP. If they tell you (my did) that you are treating them like a child, just reply but saying no (a white lie I know) I am very serious about this and I need it done. Just like a child would sometimes they will do it just to shut you up.
Also like teenagers if they promise anything don’t just leave it at that. Remind them about the promise they made to you until they finally do it again just to get you off their butts about it.
In short understand them like you understand a child, expect from them the same reaction and chooses you would in a younger child.
Children think more on an emotional level then that of long term consequences as do they. Don’t expect them to do something/anything or not too just because it doesn’t make sense to you. Like our children we must always expect the unexpected.
One last thing is watch each word you say to them and reverse psychology works on them like it works on our children. Like if you want them to do something tell them not to do it.
In short treat them the same as you treat your child.
I hope this helps.