Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Dearest Ox, Milo, Sky and strong-
Thank you so much for your input. :). I’m sorry its taken me so long to respond but life has been non-stop.
Thank you for pulling me back on track.
Ox- I am going with your point of view and it’s working well. LOL.. I’m working so so many hours its tough…but all is ok. 🙂
Milo- I agree it needs to be dealt with..sooner than later. I’m going to consult an attorney the beginning of Jan…
Sky- For the first time I really got it…the illusion the mask…ect. It’s so strange I fibnally got or finally accepted it. Its still such a strange concept fot me…but thank you..dots finally connected…it’s only taken a year lol.
Srong- yes we must live in today 🙂
God bless and goodnight.
It has been quite awhile since I have posted on here..altho I have checked in often to keep myself grounded”.
My ex has not seen his child nor myself in over 2 yrs. he has recently attempted to get his mother to contact me and get info”the courts are after him for contempt for not paying support”I received this letter today”..I can definitely read in between the words as I am stronger now”but any advice insight would help”.please:
Hi
I am writing this letter to you so we can decide what to do about Dylan. I am willing to do what you think is best. I have tried calling and sending text. I miss him and know I am missing out in his life. I am giving you an opportunity to make this easy for all of us. You just ned to let me know what you want me to do. I dont want to disrupt Dylans life. Or Yours! But, as you know my child support payments are adding up. And if they continue to do so I will begin court proceedings and fight for time with Dylan. I know neither one of us want that. Please let me know your thoughts. I just want to talk, and see what is best for Dylan and his future.
See my answer on the other thread.
Sounds like letters I receive from my ex over the battle we have just started…
invaluable advice Donna .. I wish I had read this before entering my 12 year Court battle ..
Endthepain,
I don’t think you should be too worried about your ex taking you to court.
Here’s why, he admitted in the letter he has no interest in being a father. “I know neither of us wants that” in reference to him seeking visitation. Now I know the courts make some stupid decisions, but a father admitting on paper he doesn’t really want to see his son, and is only using the tactic as blackmail?? That would have to be one of the dumbest judges on the planet if visitation were granted.
As a side note to my last post, I realize how financially tough it is to raise a child alone and that it certainly would be helpful for him to fulfill his obligation. But personally, if I had the opportunity to have my babies, and have my ex walk away, and sign away her rights. I would sign that piece of paper so fast, the pen would probably melt. But that’s a personal choice only you can make. Just seems like a small price to pay to not have to worry about your child being subjected to that abuse and neglect.
Good luck, and God bless
Endthepain, I agree with W8ting that this is just a sudden ploy. Sure, you could consult an attorney, but I wouldn’t give any more notice to the spath than I would a gnat flying 40 feet away from me. He’s bluffing, and he’s counting on personal fears/etc. to direct your decisions.
————–}
On a complete sidenote and WAY off-topic, a friend of mine has been talking to me about her family dynamics and siblings’ lust for money for a good while, now. It seems that there’s this irrevocable Trust of which all 3 adult children are beneficiaries. Now, the friend’s brother & sister are clearly spaths, and she is not, although she has lived in a state of heightened anxiety for her entire life as a result of the family dynamics. Well….from what she’s been telling me, the brother & sister have been plotting to dissolve this Trust using any legal means, possible.
This finally came to a head over the weekend when the brother told her to her face that she had NOT been “thinking about what’s best” for him and the spath sister when my friend used Trust funds to finance a real estate purchase – that it would be “difficult” for them to sell the property and get the income if she were to die!
She finally got the whole gist of the siblings’ scheme and did not REact to the brother’s veiled threats to take her to Court, the Trustee to Court, etc., etc. And, GOOD FOR HER! After this meeting, the brother sent her emails and text messages that were so threatening as to be comical! We spent the better part of 2 hours laughing ourselves sick over the language in the emails and text messages until my sides actually ached.
My friend’s final decision? To go NO CONTACT and take no action unless further threats against her, the Trust, or Trustee were clearly made.
OMG, if it weren’t so tragic, it would be comical as hell. Neither the brother nor sister works, and the brother even said that he didn’t WANT to work for a living. They both glom onto people for whatever they can squeeze from them, then discard them – very typical. The one concern that my friend has is that the brother and sister have constantly engaged in unseemly discussions about who’s going to die, next, and name them as beneficiaries. My friend is concerned that one of her siblings might commit murder for money. Although it may be a remote possibility, I can understand her concern 100% – I’m concerned! People do terrible things for money and all of this continued talk about Wills, beneficiaries, etc. is disturbing, at the very least.
My friend is also wondering if she should contact the Trustee (an objective attorney, seriously) and tell him what the siblings are planning to do. Any suggestions on this?
And, I didn’t mean to diminish this thread – I just went off-topic, and if answers to this need to be posted to another thread, that’ll be wonderful!
Brightest blessings
Endthepain, I re-read the message that the spath sent you. He is BLUFFING, my dear. He doesn’t want to pay any more child support (if’ he’s paid ANY), and he’s just attempting to frighten you.
He writes, “But, as you know my child support payments are adding up. And if they continue to do so I will begin court proceedings and fight for time with Dylan. I know neither one of us want that. Please let me know your thoughts. I just want to talk, and see what is best for Dylan and his future.””
REALLY!? What a dick-cheese! “…best for Dylan…” has nothing to do with his motives. What’s “…best for spath…” is what he should have written!
BEST and brightest blessings to you, Endthepain. Just laugh at him, when you’re able to get over the initial fear. Picture the exspath sitting in a witness chair in Court trying to explain why he should have ANY involvement in your son’s life while being naked and covered in mayonaise. Yeah….brightest blessings to you, my dear!
My boyfriend of the last year and half has been divorced for sometime. He was married to what I believe is a sociopath. She gets away with a lot and is good at knowing what lie to tell where because her family have a serious mental health background. Her mother is a therapist of some kind so they know what they are doing. As far as the child goes there have been many times (when we still had vistation with him) that he would come over for our weekend dirty, hungry, sick, and with a number of bruses scrapes and cuts. He beening a small BOY has been brought to us with pink, red, and purple nail polish on his fingernails and toenails. He came over one time in a pink and purple knit hat. She (the ex) dropped him off once missing a big toe nail. She (the ex) gave no reason behind it. Another time She (the ex) dropped him off with a 5 inch cut up his forearm She (the ex) stated he got playing on a barbbed wire fence He (the child) was only 15 months at the time. Another time when he was about 18 months She (the ex) dropped him off and he had a cut up his back about 3 to 5 inches long She (the ex) said he got when he fell down a set of steps. I have so many pics of all of these but when we went to court the judge didnt care about any of it. My boyfriend won in a sense the last time they went to court for custody because they (the exes family) were trying to stip him of his rights altogether. He still had visitation and share legal custody of their child. Because of the win in court a month later they found a way to have my boyfriend maliciously prosecuted and put in jail for 5 months. While he was in jail they (the ex and her family) got full custody of the child and a protective order against my boyfriend and his family. All of this is taking place in the state of Tennessee. They are very biased towards men having rights in a custody matter or at least this judge is. When even have police reports where She (the ex) either hasnt shown up at to drop the child off, showed up over an hour late, or didnt show up at all to pick up the child and the judge didnt care to even look at them. My boyfriend and I have already decided that as soon as the criminal case She (the ex) has lied her way into against him is dropped we are suing Her (the ex) and Her family (the exes family) for wrongful use of civil proceedings and malicious prosecution. These people (the ex and her family) have gone out of their way to do whatever possible to make sure my boyfriend doesnt see or have anything to do with his son. All they (the ex and her family) want is his pay check. Her (the ex) step father, before what lead up to my boyfriend being put in jail, had made serveral threats saying things like ” If the courts wont do anything about you (my boyfriend) then I will” “You (myboyfriend) need to stop complaining about how much time you (my boyfriend) are getting with your child and start paying us some money” another threat was made outside the court room “I could rip your head off right now if I wouldnt go to jail”. We tried to tell the judge about everything and they didnt care. The mediator they had to see didnt care. These people (the ex and her family) pretty much run a sex store out of their house. keep in mind that the ex and her family all live together in one house. Her step father is ex navy. These people have money to pour into the battle for custody and anything else they want. Do any of you think that if we win the malicious prosecution case that we stand a chance at getting custody of the child? I mine the poor thing has suffered being with these people (the ex and her family). I know a child that young is going to get some bumps and bruises but there is something seriously wrong when the child has bruises almost covering his forehead and the rest of his head. Noone cares enough to do anything about it either. Makes me sad cause I have been there with that boy since he was 11 months old and I care about him and his well being. I was there with him when we had to take him to the ER because he had such a severe upper respitory infection the day She (the ex) dropped him off he couldnt breath and when we called her (the ex) and called her (the ex) she either wouldnt answer her phone or texts we sent her (the ex) or said she was too tired to be bother to bring us the childs insurance card so we could get his meds. I ended up paying for the meds he needed that moment myself. The rest of the meds she (the ex) was supposed to have filled. Well we ended up having to call the police to come have make her fill his meds. Sad huh? The sadder part, once again noone cares enough to do anything. What should we do?