Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
W8ting, I would caution you on giving in to the urge to “spill your guts” about your situation to the boss, or anyone else. There is a very, VERY strong compulsion to TELL SOMEONE the details, etc. – I have to fight that compulsion each time someone asks me how I’m doing. I mean, I really, really have to fight it.
There are several “reasons” for this. The first being that giving up personal information (especially, drama/trauma) deconstructs our boundaries like TNT. This leave us vulnerable to ridicule, disbelief, and copious triggers. For instance, my boss asked me about 6 weeks ago, “What’s wrong?,” after she was well aware of my situation. Are you KIDDING?! I immediately launched into my trials and tribulations, and how I felt devalued, on all levels, even at work. Well, she didn’t want to hear about it, not really. That left me vulnerable to the trigger of being dismissed – no validation means emotional dismissal. And, I’m not at that point in my healing processes where I can quickly identify these reactions, so I need to keep my boundaries high and strong for everyone. I have forced myself to answer any questions about my current situation or condition with, “I’m geting there,’ or, “It’s a challenge, but I’ll be just fine.” Not only does this end the probing, but it is a positive message to my “self.” It also takes control of the topic and redirects it away from me and my issues. Usually, the conversation ends with either of those responses, and if there’s continued probing, I state in a firm and gentle tone that I’d rather not discuss it.
Another reason is that an odd dynamic develops when I disclose. Either a person is obviously unconcerned, or they draw near and eat up my personal drama/trauma with a spoon. Even if a person isn’t narcissistic or socipathic, they can still find entertainment/validation through the miseries of others. And, it’s not my objective to gratify this need that others may have.
Finally, I have to force myself to keep my mouth shut because I have a burning need to force other people to “get it.” Don’t you understand what’s been done to me? What do you mean that it’s my fault that I didn’t see what was happening? Do you have any idea of how completely ruinous sociopaths are? BLAH….blah…..blah….
So, W8ting, I would urge you to tread cautiously, especially where your children are concerned. Try your level best to avoid becoming an Inquisitioner – it’s only normal to want your children to confirm your worst fears for their safety, it is. But, it can also backfire and become an extraordinarily unhealthy obsession. Children do not have the luxury of choosing whom their parents will be, and they do not yet possess the maturity or cognition to process their experiences. If there’s something going on, you’ll find out about it in due time, I assure you. Children typically have an uncanny ability to speak truthfully even when they’ve been instructed to stay quiet. One parent’s personality disorder and the other parent’s interrogations (even if it’s “gentle”) places their tender psyches into a very, very bad place.
Are you finding any help in your counseling sessions? Save ALL of your angst, etc., for the therapist, and try to keep as much of your personal life and concerns for your children in a journal or with people that you positively know that “get it.”
Brightest blessings
Liane, I LOVE this article – I wish that I had read this when I was going through my own custody battle. I surely would have done things quite differently!
Even though the recommendations above pertain to child custody, they can EACH be applied to any Court action with a sociopath. Remaining calm…..omigawd, a calm demeanor is a virtual imperative! It’s probably the hardest thing to do, in Court, because the spath’s attorney is being paid to represent them, regardless of who/what they are.
I remember the first exspath’s attorney flying into a tirade when he was questioning me, asking rapid-fire questions, and my being unable to answer one before he shot the next one at me. In my head, I kept telling myself, “This is what attorneys do – it’s not personal. He’s doing his job.” Finally, I said, “Your Honor? May I be allowed to answer Mr. Attorney’s questions, one-at-a-time?”
Shouting, ranting, shooting glares, and giving in to the anger/rage that we TRULY feel only causes us to look like absolute nutbags. Is it unfair? Of course, it is! Can we do anything as a plaintiff/defendant to CHANGE how our Legal Systems operate while we’re sitting on the witness stand? No, we cannot. We do not have the power to change things. We only have the power to control ourselves, and that’s it.
Honestly, this is a GREAT article.
Thank you truthspeak,
And I too am aware of the downside to being too open. I told her the things she needed to know, I’m unwell, and working on making myself better, I value my job and her understanding, and left it at that.
Oxy and W8ting
Thanks for the trip down memory lane, back on Dec 14 when I posted about the letter to my spath that I wrote in 2009. Holy shit.
Isn’t it amazing how long we can work on this, and work on this, and work on this, and still be like, WTF?
A guy has no feet – fine. We can see it, and we don’t expect him to run.
But this? A character disturbance? A lack of remorse, of empathy, of a conscience?
Absorbing THAT is a whole different thing.
With a whole different timeline.
Athena
No kidding Athena.
It really is something to get your head around, and leaves many questions.
But at left we have this great online community of wonderful people to share our experiences, and to help one another with those tough questions. Though I must say, I think it makes it alot more difficult to heal, when your children live with the monster… And now lives with her boyfriend who’s at least as disordered as she is.
Oh well… All we can do is accept the hand we are dealt, and play it as best we can, and pray that it all turns out well.
And it is thanks to the wonderful people here that I am able to take this stance.
Thank you all for your support. You’re so wonderful.
w8ing, I don’t remember if I told you how glad I am that you still apparently have your job and can visit with your children and that they are starting to get it about their mom keeping you away. They will RESENT that….and that is a crack in her facade so it is a good thing.
I think it is important that you VALIDATE their feelings without being hateful or negative about their mom, no matter how much you want to….don’t make excuses for her but say “I don’t like it when she does that because I want to be with you. If I ever can’t see you for a while, understand it is NOT MY CHOICE.” That way you are validating them, telling them how you feel and reassuring them that if you are not there it is NOT YOUR CHOICE. That I think will go a long way with your kids.
Keep hanging in there, every minute that you get to spend with them BE with them, and enjoy them and reassure them how much you love them by not only telling them but SHOWING them you love them and want to be with them. You may not have money to take them fancy places or buy them fancy toys that they might want but let them know you CARE. That is more important than anything. God bless.
Thank you Oxy!
You and I apparently think alot alike. Lol. Your words are pretty much word for word what I’ve told them. One of them also said to me that she feels she’s a liar because of all the hypocricies and broken promises.
someday, they’ll be able to chose for themselves.
God bless.
This is the first time I have posted on this site. I feel like I am falling apart. My ex is a horrible man. I didn’t even know what a sociopath was until after I left him, but I was absolutely shocked when I got educated about them. He met at least ninety percent of the typical behaviors. I left him when my son was 4 and I was pregnant with my daughter, after he raped a 16 year old girl during my pregnancy, and tried to suffocate me with our baby inside me. Shortly after her birth, I moved to another state to get family support in caring for my children so that I could afford an apartment and provide for them. During that time I met a wonderful man and after being there 15 months we decided to go back to my home state. In the entire time we had been there, my ex didn’t pay one penny of child support. He called less than five times in fifteen months. He basically acted like our children didn’t exist. Right before we moved, our divorce was finalized, and so we now had a legal document that dictated visitation and child support. I had to agree to joint custody, as he never left enough evidence to get convicted of any abuse. We lived in my home state for two years. In that time he paid child support for a total of four months. When he found out he had a warrant out for a previous assault on me, he threatened me, telling me he would take the kids from me if I didn’t go in front of the judge and tell him I lied. He called CPS on me and my fiance, telling them that we were drug addicts that forced our children to look after themselves. He even told them that my fiance, the man who actually loves and cares for these kids, both emotionally and financially, was in a gang! Finally, after all this, after repeatedly asking him to make child support payments, after my son coming home and telling us his dad hit him for interrupting his video game playing, I had enough. I sent a certified letter to the court and to my ex, letting them know that in 60 days we would be moving back to the state we lived in after we separated. It felt so safe there, with him 800 miles away, not interfering in our lives. Shockingly, he showed up in court, after filing a motion to prevent us from relocating, lied to the judge about why he never pays child support, and the judge ruled in his favor! We moved preemptively so my fiance could start his job, sure that no judge would rule in his favor. We didn’t even think he would show up in court. Now I have seven weeks to get back to my home state, and in the meantime, my kids are with him. He told the judge he hadn’t gotten all of his time yet for the summer, and the judge told me I needed to give it to him, despite the fact that he had agreed to take them in the first part of the summer and then declined at the last minute. My daughter is now 3, and I worry for her every day. I’m terrified that he will molest her. My son told me that the three of them sleep in the same bed, with my daughter in the middle, and that my ex tells my son to face the wall when they lay down. My son has also started telling me on the phone that he wants to live with his dad now, when he never said such things before. Just months ago he told his school counselor that he was afraid of him! I don’t know what to do. We should be here. We can provide for these kids here, and keep them safe. When they’re in his hands, even when it’s just for the weekend, I can’t relax. I get depressed, anxious; I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I have to deliberately not think about them just to make it through at all. The worst part is, there is no way a court will do anything to protect them, because he has managed to get his way in every court case. He even managed to get the rape charges completely erased from his file! My attorney told me that if he was able to do that, he even scared her. I feel so lost. Few people know how dangerous he is like I do, and yet because of the effing government I’m forced to hand the most precious people in my life over to him on a regular basis. I feel hopeless beyond repair.
Christini, I am so horribly sorry that you have had these experiences – I truly am.
The ex sounds very, very dangerous and manipulative. I would strongly urge you to contact the local domestic violence hotline, immediately, and talk to the “intake” person that takes your call. Tell them everything and ask for all of the help that is available to you. They can put you in contact with counselors (you will need this priceless service for yourself, and for Court), attorneys, advocacy, and a host of other services for victims.
You may be in a healthy relationship, and that’s wonderful. But, dealing with these types of people in the legal system often results in fear, frustration, and heartbreak – it’s just the way that it is, and I can tell you that, from my own personal experiences, that the legal system is never “fair.”
The most important thing that you can do for yourself and your children is to call the hotline, or visit http://www.ndvh.org and start focusing on yourself and your legal counsels.
I’ve been in a similar situation, lost both of my sons, and it cost me thousands in representation that didn’t matter, anyway. I did not know how to exit from the first exspath, properly, or legally, and the Law has no emotion in these cases, whatsoever.
http://www.ndvh.org will help ease your mind to some degree, and give you a list of proactive steps to take. In the meantime, keep reading, keep posting, and know that you are not “alone” in this dreadful situation.
Brightest and most courageous blessings
I just found out my ex created a FB group that says I am alienating him from his children (PASS)…which couldnt be further from the truth. What on earth do I do? My children are going to see it and it is a public group so friends will se it as well. It is just disgusting. He never ever STOPS the attacks!!! Last week he called the RCMP cause he couldnt get ahold of the girls by phone…and he NEVER calls them when he is supposed to. I am at my wits end. How do you stop the drama? How do you stop the attacks? I cant live like this anymore!!