Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
momoftwingirls, the best advice I can give you is document EVERYTHING! And take a screenshot of the facebook page before he takes it down because (IMHO) that seems like you could turn it right around on him and accuse him of internet harassment. He will take it down as soon as he realizes it works against him.
How old are your children? If they are old enough to speak for themselves, they will be able to testify that you are not alienating their father. Just please make sure to document everything. Write a journal of all the times he didn’t call, etc.
Hope this helps!
how do you take a screen shot? thanks!
figured it out, thanks!
Back to journalling again, I guess! I am jealous of all those people who can just LIVE their life instead of always having to be on their toes
Momoftwingirls,
I’m glad you figured out how to take a screen shot. Honestly, it has become common place for me because my ex spath is so obsessed with being stupid on the internet and then he always thinks nobody is going to be savvy enough to use it against him in court. Internet harassment is a crime! Granted, it might be tough to take him to task on this, but if it gets worse you might want to speak to a police officer about it and see if you have rights.
As far as the journal goes, try and make it routine and don’t think of it as a terrible task. For me, I am writing and documenting and in a way that will help me explain some of this craziness to my son someday. That might sound odd, but I have a feeling that one day he is going to come to me and ask things like: “why do I have to meet my father at a police station every time I go and see him?” (among other childhood discoveries) I want to have the answers to all his questions and show him what his mama had to go through in order to protect him.
That being said, try not to let this run your life. I know its tough because I am still trying to learn this myself. For me, I have lived through so much terror and trauma in the last year that I can’t believe I am still living at all. Sometimes I wonder how I can even live in a world with this much evil. Keeping a journal has helped me to get what needs to be on paper – on paper so that I can move on and put my mind on more productive things.
I hope this helps. 🙂
Good afternoon, everyone.
I am not sure if anyone will see this post. I have a beautiful daughter with a man who is a sociopath. He has verbally abused me a lot, but he has also done things to place her life in danger several times. Despite all of my documentation, I was convinced to come to an agreement with him in court, because I was deemed “overly-cautious”. Nevermind the fact that he was disobeying direct orders from her doctors. He is fabulous at deceiving people. He happened to deceive our daughter’s guardian ad litem. She is so convinced that he “just” wants to be a part of our daughter’s life.
I am sure you all may know this desperate feeling inside where you are trying to convince people that the sociopath is a detriment. I believe my communications came across as too desperate.
He is now reinterpreting our court order to his benefit and doing the typical sociopathic thing to take a mile when given an inch.
I am tired of fighting this man. How do you convince smart, able-bodied people that there is a sociopath in their midst? I documented everything. All his detrimental behaviors that could have led to harm of my daughter and I got no where.
I feel stuck and tired. I am afraid for my daughter’s welfare and I have NO support of importance other than family. I feel like no one believes me (even though I have TONS of documentation).
Still confused is an appropriate user name as I have been run over by a mack truck.
Dear Still comfused,
I am sorry that you are dealing with this horror show….”family court” is a JOKE.
I suggest that you READ and learn as much as you can….and keep your daughter as safe as you can while saying “Of COURSE I want my X to be in my daughter’s life, I believe every child needs a father figure in their lives.” (Of course you don’t mean a word of that, because a child does NOT need a sociopathic father in her life) BUT the MISGUIDED FOLKS at the court think that “everyone loves their child” (excuse me while I puke) NOT psychopaths, but the nice people at the court are BLIND to what you see as TRUTH…so you must APPEAR at least to them to WANT his involvement in her life or they will perceive YOU AS THE BAD GUY and that is NOT what you want.
So for a while BACK off and DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT….focus also on the BIGGER things that are like “he does not buckle her into a safety seat and he has had 5 DUI tickets so this concerns me that he might get another DUI and be in a wreck with her not buckled in a safety seat.”
Don’t gripe about the 1,000 times he has been late returning her from a visit…..but focus on the things he does that can be documented (photographs if possible) or audio recordings.
NEVER talk to him without A) a witness or B) a recording device in your pocket. See if it is legal in your state to record a telephone conversation without the other person knowing it is being recorded? If it is LEGAL then record them, otherwise have another person listening in on speaker phone.
Also do as much communication with him as possible with e mail which you can keep copies of.
There is a program called my family wizard for communication time and date stamped between parents who are co-parenting with a psychopath so you have PROOF OF WHAT WAS SAID AND WHEN.
It may be a long fight, so don’t wear yourself out now. There are lots of people here going through the same fight and you are NOT ALONE. you have support. So hang in there and take care of yourself as well as your baby. God bless.
Hello you kind Lovefraud Blog community! This is my first time writing here, after reading so many wonderful and helpful and eye opening blogs. I am totally alone with in a bad situation and need help and support, to find a way to end a long, 14 years, relationship with a man that I believe is probably a socio or psychopath or something like that. I do not know. I have nobody to talk to about my miserable life. I did see a psychiatrist who also did not know much about psychopaths – just thought he is a cheater and a bad guy.
Anyways, to make a long story short, after my divorce from my ex husband (who was controlling) I was vulnerable and I can see now from reading these blocks – vulnerable for a spath to sneer into his web. This man exhibited all the signs that i see in the warning signs here – charm, kindness, attention, love, and fantastic sex for the very first time for me. Then there were stories after stories, his life being one of a music producer and always away during nights, weeks at the time … I was lonely and tried to believe that he is faithful to me when gone. We never got married. He turned out to be married after we had a child! Says its for immigration purposes, nothing personal. That was the beginning of my anger – to find out that he is married when our son was 2. I had to hot and cold treatment, he started travelling more and more. I started having the feeling that he is unfaithful – many signs. But I was so alone. Alone with our son. Taking care of him and 3 others from marriage before. My exhusband paid support but this man did not. He always had reasons for having no money. He was also very very private, secretive, angry if I asked questions, I never knew when he comes and that would just be for a night or two and then disappear. I tried to break up many times, but then it was scary – he threated to take our son away. Of course I know that he could not, has no steady life style or anything, but I was so lonely and scared. I would just keep a amicable relationship to keep things calm. But during these years, have lost all friends. I have no family here, only a mother who lives in Finland and is getting too old to travel here to be with me. Finally when our son was 8, I found out that he has an other woman! This woman called me and told me about their 7 year relationship. She sent me emails with phone records, photos, all sorts of evidence as she was so mad for finding out that he was cheating on her with me !! Oh my god how horrible that was. He had even taken my son to be with her. He told her I was just a baby mother, crazy woman, etc. She was planning a life with him … he promised to marry her soon. Endless horrible details. Broke my heart. He begged for forgiveness and eventually I gave in for our son’s sake as he was so sad. He loves his father now – I have enabled them to have a close relationship by allowing him to spend time with his son when ever he chooses. He has other kids from previous relationships and has nothing to do with them. Then after crying my eyes out for a year about the discovery of the other woman, I found out about an other woman. This one in Europe. He had been spending months at the time there and now I found out that he had a young woman there, who also seems to think he is her man ! This I found in the Facebook. She had hundreds of photos of them all over Europe, romantic happy pictures. It killed me again and with more power. I then created a face FB woman, an other young sexy blond and he bit the hook – went straight into a sexy hot encounter with this fake person, not knowing it was me all along. Then when I let him know it was me and he was caught – he just said ‘I knew it was you all along” . Not true. But I can never get him to admit to anything. All these 100% factual evidences are just lies by crazy women he says. All these women just want him and make lies to steal him from me. BS. These women did not know about me at all. He has been living multiple lives with multiple women and I have been the fool sitting home with children, lonely, waiting.
Now I really have to get out of this dark, lonely, scary place. I am not getting younger. I feel I am loosing my mind, my life is running out and I am so so alone. He just keeps going and gong and I have let him in and out of our home for the sake of our son and also for me. When he is around, he does all that clever stuff that makes me feel that I need him. I feel that I cannot survive without him. He helps with little things, the computer, some odd jobs here and there, but I pay all the bills and take care of our son alone.
Now that I am trying to break away again – he is getting annoyed again. I know it will be ugly and he is capable of creating all kinds of lies to scare and ruin me. He will manipulate everyone in courts if we go that route, I will be stressed out to the max. I get stressed out easily and then he knows I am an easy prey.
Even now, as I type this, he is texting, calling and trying to get through to me. I told him I do not want to continue with this sick sad relationship anymore. He says he is now reformed and wants to be with me forever, for us all, to be family. I do not believe anything anymore of course, and he wants to convince me otherwise. I told him not to come here as my bigger kids are home from college (they are big now and our son is 10) life has gone by fast. My big kids hate him and even our son together knows that his dad lies, cheats and is scary. Our son is scared of his dad, but still also loves him. Or he loves the idea of having a dad. He cries each time I say maybe its best if dad does not come here.
So, I am scared, do not know how to go about this awful situation alone … When I get totally stressed out and scared, then it is hard to be a perfect mom to my kids. I seem depressed and it is hard on the kids.
Does anyone there have sound advice for me? I know that I sound foolish and naive for having spent so many years with a bad guy. But so it went. I did love the sex (never had any joy in that area before) and those times when he chose to be nice, we had wonderful times. But true is, there were way more horrible times, abusive both mentally and physically, that over shadow anything good.
He even lies about his country of origen, i have spoken with his mother and she is confused. She is in central america but he wants everyone to think that he is from jamaica. He is half black. I am white. Our son is cute tanned boy. Not that this is important, but what is important is that his mother only speaks spanish and has never been to jamaica. Jamaica is only english speaking and even our son is wondering about all the odd stories. The poor child is growing up with a father who is lying about everything ! This is awful !
So if we go to court ever, he would have to be worried, as his status is not ideal for any lawyers to probe into his private business. I am hoping that maybe this would make him run away – like he left his previous kids. I do need the financial help of child support but maybe it is better not to have any connection with him – safer that way?
Please please help me ! I am very worried !
Scandigirl,
It sounds like he is gone for long periods of time, that’s a good thing. Can you find a good therapist to help you with controlling your emotional reactions? It sounds like you are suffering from PTSD.
Try to find a therapist who understands sociopaths and the effect they have on their victims.
Until you can regain your strength, begin practicing gray rock. Understand that spaths feed on your emotions and don’t give him any.
Hello skylar. Thank you for your advice. I do not know what PTSD is. Lately he is sticking around and coming to my house every day to be with the our son. He is trying his best now to win the boy’s love after the boy told his dad that he is sad about the cheating and lying. The dad just left and did not talk to the boy for days. Then resurfaced with massive game plan. Gifts, fun, lot of attention. Now that I am ignoring is texts, he just sent me an otherone, saying is from our son! it says ‘this is joey, i know you hate my dad, but i love him so dont ruin it” our son is at school and i think the spath went there to see him. this man has done this many times before. tells me lies on behalf of our son even. and he even has created email addresses for the other women and wrote messages between these fraudulent address and himself – trying to create proof of innocence to me. very confusing i know. he is a conman and very computer savvy. i believe my computer and cel phones are tapped too. he is obsessive and controlling on top of being a cheater himself. that is so weird and scary.
I also do not know what is gray rock ? I am new to all this reality – just trying to open my eyes. Do you think this man is a sociopath?
Scandi,
he is, without a doubt in my mind, a sociopath.
I’m sorry you had to learn these things, but if you are only now just figuring this out, I must warn you that you are in for some very very uncomfortable revelations. You will learn things you wish you didn’t know. For example, he is trying to turn your son against you. He wants to take him from you and turn him into a replica of himself, for the purpose of breaking your heart twice, once with his own actions and again when your son becomes a monster like him.
The monster is not in this “game” for sex. He is in it to cause you and everyone else, pain. That is his goal. That is his pleasure and he will plot and plan.
What he is doing with your son, didn’t work at first and he knows it. So he retreated while he worked on a plan. The first phase of that plan was to love bomb your son (it’s also called “grooming”.)
It sounds to me like you are in a very similar situation as I was. Before I knew what my spath was, I witnessed his extremely controlling and manipulative behavior. I could see that he was conning and lying, I knew that he spied on me and used tracking devices on me but I didn’t know what it meant. It didn’t make sense to me because I didn’t know about spaths.
PTSD is post traumatic stress disorder. It comes from living in a traumatic situation or from experiencing some kind of emotional trauma.
Gray rock is defined in this article.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
You will need to arm yourself with knowledge. Read as many books as you can about sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists etc..
Save all email, texts, and any other evidence of his behavior. You will use these eventually to turn the tables on him. If you think your computer is tapped, use the public library and a small USB stick. Or get a drop box account and upload all the evidence to that account, but only do this from a public computer because you don’t want him getting the passwords to that account.
But bide your time until you are more calm before you do anything because spaths are very good at making us look crazy.