Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Thank you Skylar ! I read the article about gray rock and loved it ! it makes all sense. I will do my best at that. I am so thankful for your wise advice – I feel like you are my lifeline right now. I am glad you found me today.
Yes, I have been feeling so traumatized – but need to be strong for my kids! I am amazed how I manage day to day in this lonely world. Even now – the holidays coming and I have no plan how to avoid him ! Until now he has been included always. Of course I now know he was always calling texting his young lovers during all special times with us and lying to htem that he was travelling for business elsewhere.
Our son wants dad to be with us on holidays. Just the 3 of us, as the other 3 will go to their dad this year. I do not know what to do….
Scandi,
I really hope you find a therapist. It would be very helpful. Knowledge will help too, but it takes time to sink in and become a part of you so that it is second nature.
As far as the holidays, expect the worst and explain to your son to expect the worst too. Spaths like to ruin peoples holiday cheer, so be prepared for drama and your reaction to it should be to stay emotionless.
I need to warn you that if the spath suspects you are pulling away, he will become dangerous. They don’t like to lose control. You need to make sure he doesn’t suspect anything until you are ready to get rid of him for good. Then you need to go NC if you can.
That’s why I recommend you read, read, read and get educated about what you are dealing with. It’s more than just a stressful situation, it can be dangerous.
Scandi,
Welcome to Love Fraud and I am so sorry that you are going through so much grief and confusion. The grief and confusion is what we call “crazy making” that they use to keep us “spinning” so that we can’t figure out what they are up to.
So absolutely as LITTLE contact as possible with having to co-parent with him….and then when you do have to have anything to do with him, GRAY ROCK…don’t give him any argument or listen to his lies. Do as much communication as possible by e mail so that you will have a RECORD of what he says….also, get a small digi audio recorder or use your cell phone if it does that, and RECORD all conversations with him. Do not talk to him on the phone. Make him e mail you or speak in person where you can record it.
Document document and document everything he does. Keeping the evidence will help you in child custody case in court later.
Read and learn about psychopaths there is a LOT to learn but it will help set you free from the crazyiness they drive us to. You are NOT alone, and you are NOT really CRAZY. (((hugs))) and God bless.
Scandi,
Hugs! Your story is different than mine on some levels, but it’s exactly the same as mine on other levels. The lies! The cheating, the other women.
Can I ask you, how did you find LoveFraud? Were you looking for a long time for help? Did it take a long time to find this site? I spent a long time researching “people who lie” and “men who cheat” and “personality disorders” when I first figured out my guy was lying.
Anyway, welcome, and hugs to you. I am sorry for what happened, but this is the right place to find the help you need to get out of this mess.
Athena
Scandigirl, I’m so sorry that you’re having such horrible experiences. Luckily, you found your way to LoveFraud – welcome.
The first abusive exspath was violently abusive, on every level. I didn’t have one clue as to how the relationship had dissolved into such a state, and I pretty much shouldered the “blame” for his behaviors and choices because I had never addressed “core issues” within myself prior to meeting him. The second exspath was abusive, but not physically or verbally – his method was to simply dismiss me as a human being while he helped himself to my personal finances.
I had found LoveFraud.com a couple of years prior to the collapse of this second marriage, and it’s a good thing that I did – I wouldn’t have had the information about the exspath to simply shut the door on the relationship once I discovered what he truly was. Having said that, I also engaged in strong counseling therapy to help me process what had been done, and how my own issues factored into being such an easy target for this predator.
Co-parenting with a sociopath is a nightmare for us, and especially for the children involved. They are jerked around and laid bare to the manipulations of the spath. The most important fact to remember with regard to a spath parent is that the child(ren) is nothing more to them than an expendable tool of torment. In the World Of Spath, children are not human vessels for fragile souls. They are weapons to be used, abused, and cast aside like a pair of dull scissors. As long as a child can be used to inflict harm upon the other parent, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and whomever “needs” to be damaged, they remain something that spaths clutch onto with a steel grip.
I echo Skylar’s suggestion that you consider engaging in strong counseling therapy. A good place to start is your local domestic violence hotline – the person answering the phone will ask a few questions, and then give you a list of several therapists in your area who are familiar with abuse, PSTD, and Stockholm Syndrome. If the counselor is good at their job, they’ll ask you hard questions and not play around. Their job is NOT to make it all disappear. Their job is to help you to uncover whatever issues allowed the spath in and how to process those issues and manage them.
PSTD is no joke, Scandigirl. It can become an absolutely crippling condition, and you can read and absorb the information and knowledge, but only a trained professional therapist has the tools and techniques to help you manage this.
Another good site is http://www.ndvh.org. This site is the National Domestic Violence Hotline and provides information, affirmations, and resources that are available, across the globe.
My most sincere bright blessings to you
Thank you all for your comments and advice ! I found lovefraud.com while ago by chance when searching for sites that discuss lying and cheating. I have been reading the postings on the emails that signed up for. Very helpful. But as I really need to do something about this situation, I finally decided to write and seek advice for my personal problem. I need to hear the truthful comments from experienced people. I must stop hiding and hoping and ignoring. I have been so pathetic – letting this man get away with all this cheating. I have been so weak, dumb and enabling. I even allow him to sleep in my bed when ever he chooses, with our son in the bed too. This is I do to have our son feel family togetherness. But I suppose it is idiotic really. Sick really. I am nothing.
I did tell him yesterday that it is time to stop this behavior and just coparent the boy in an amicable way. He first agreed but then started to beg for forgivenss and one more chance. Now he is trying his best to be kind and attentive, telling me that I am the only woman he has ever loved. He is trying so hard now – making it hard for me, as our son is looking at me with bleading eyes…. he wants us together. He knows that his dad is a lier. He even cried today – saying he hates his life because his dad ruined it by being a cheater and a lier. This is so sad and I try my best to cheer him up and love him. I promised that we will have his dad over for thanksgiving tomorrow and went shopping for food. I am a tool !
scandi
each of us has to find our own way. you will find yours. it took me a long time of coming to this site and learning before Ifinally kicked my spath to the curb,
it is an extremely challenging process to get rid of a spath. and you have taken important steps. you are now AWARE.
do you have access to a therapist?
how about a library?
read “without a conscience” or “the sociopath next door” or
“women who love psychopaths”
hugs
athena
Scandi,
part of the reason why I keep going on and on about getting a therapist for you and perhaps for your son, is because of your son.
Children change very quickly at his age and every interaction he has with you or his dad, will make an impression on him. He doesn’t have much time before his personality is set in stone (around 12 or 13) and it will be hard to fix things that have gone wrong.
He is suffering emotionally. At some point he will decide how he is going to deal with this. Some victims of abuse become trauma bonded, as I have. We become victims and continue to be victimized for years. Other victims decide that they will identify with their abusers. They imitate their abusers because they decide that it is better to be the abuser rather than the abused. These people learn to hate their mothers for being weak. Even when their mothers DO leave the father, they blame the mother for betraying the dad.
It’s really a no win situation.
We, here at LF have so much wisdom to share with you from our experiences, BUT, this situation with your child is much bigger than we are. It’s going to take a very competent therapist to help your little boy. I hope and pray that he will be able to rise above the abuse. Time is critical.
Thank you Athena and Skylar for your advice again.
I do not have a therapist. I have been trying previously, to find someone – but nobody so far knows anything about this sort of disorder. And I did take our son to a social worker for a year, once we found out about the other women, but he did not seem to open up with the social worker, an older man, and eventually with a summer break, we stopped that too.
I am very worried now for my son, as you put it – he might be the one worst effected by this awfulness. He has started to show anger, sadness, moodiness. Also, soon after the discovery of the cheating, i discovered my son going into some horrible porn sites on the computer. I immediately put on parenting controls and cut off his access to web surfing. But he had seen some nasty things and I am sad.
I have no body to talk about this with , I fee so alone and with lot of responsibility for my son. My own sadness is now just a normal part of life.
The dad is coming to our house shortly for thanksgiving, they will go play football with friends, I will cook – and it seems so nice. Our son is excited about the feast coming and is hoping for a wonderful “family” day ! I just go along with the show …
I give thanks to having found this site and you kind and lovely ladies ! Have a wonderful Thanksgiving !!!
Scandigirl, the way to find a therapist that “gets it” about sociopathy, PSTD, domestic violence/abuse, and Stockholm Syndrome is to contact your local domestic violence hotline. THEY have the resources to give you a list of therapists that “get it” about what you’ve experienced. Most counseling therapists don’t really have a clear grasp on the carnages of sociopathic entanglements. I have been to several therapists before I finally called my local hotline. Boy, oh boy…..she GOT it, straight away.
Brightest blessings