Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Scandi
I had a therapist for my son for 18 years, and one for myself.
I did not make a requirement understanding sociopathy. I just went with somebody I felt was good and honest.
It made a huge huge huge difference to both of us.
Hugs
Athena
Harassment and or Defamation: What are the chances getting Criminal Charges against someone?
First, thank you I have been trying to deal with this situation for 4 years. This site helped me with finding out how to deal with the antics.
Now that I am divorced and still dealing with the ex’s control issues. We have a son and the ex is constantly trying to re-scheduling the parental agreement by booking our child through multi programs. Well, this email is about another subject. It is about Harassment and Defamation.
My ex has and continues to contact my relatives, friends and employers. The most recent was two days ago. I now have substantial paperwork to back the problematic issues(the ex) for the last 2 ½ years.
The contacts has been through emails, phone calls and personal contacting people. The intro to his contact starts with he is worried about me. Then he says she is crazy or equivalent description of. Then quote scenarios of lies. The last lie was that I tell our child “Dad is mean & abusive”. One of the emails to my employer has the under tones of how I would be a liability to his real estate firm and my employers Brokers license may be in jeopardy with the Real Estate Commission. I have police reports— 5 tires incidents regarding screws in my tire after picking up our son from school. Two reports one from his friend and myself my ex saying, “If you call 911 next time. You will not make it.” This is only a small snippet of the last 2 1/2 years of harassment.
Other Reports filed(not all): There are two woman(on separate occasions) in the last 2 months which has requested the polices assistance to get him away from them. Another woman in another county had just filed a report after he took $250,000 from her.
My question: After my last email to my employer 2 days ago I want to try to get an restraining order(injunction) for harassment with 5 or more documents showing the defamation and harassment and try to ask the state attorney to file criminal charges. Has anyone been successful at pursuing this avenue and got the charges against the person?
Harassment and or Defamation: What are the chances getting Criminal Charges against someone?
Please excuse my writing. I’d appreciate any advise
JCB
JCB,
Welcome to LF and I understand your predicament.
First off, don’t think for one second that there is much ‘follow up’ from the authorities in a EOP situation.
If you need an extended order of protection get one! And follow through EACH and EVERY time with reporting ALL issues.
An EOP serves as more of a ‘message sending ‘ tool.
IT’s not the ‘golden fence’ around us.
It’s a tool also to help the authorities prosecute with harsher charges/consequences. IT also makes them aware that there has been issues with the subject.
The orders are logged into a local and sometimes national database. Each contact he has with authorities will reveal this about him.
If he is pulled over in your neighborhood for a broken taillight, and they run his license…..they will be alerted and look more into WHY he is in your neighborhood etc…..if he has a file on you sitting on his front seat, the authorities will be alarmed at why. As opposed to if you had no orders at all, they wouldn’t think twice on a file on his front seat. (does that make sense?)
He also can not have a concealled weapon or any weapon if he has a EOP against him. He’ll be asked to turn them in to police. So if you know he carries or has weapons, make that known to police and the judge.
Judges are really only concerned with what he’s done in the recent past……like 30 days. So get on filing your orders.
You will be able to use it to ‘build’ a case of stalking and harassment against your ex.
Don’t expect him to be arrested each and every report, in fact, don’t expect an arrest at all……on most occasions.
It’s another tool that law enforecment like to have in thier posession. IT makes it easier for them to make arrests under the circumstances you describe.
Not sure what state you are in, but in my area the district attorney advised me to also seek a stalking and harassment order, in addition to the already in place, DV EOP.
One is criminal and one is civil. And they can be doubled up.
In my state they are both only good (extended) for one year.
We’ve had to go back for 7 years to file a new order, serve him (twice each order), and go back for an extension hearing.
A real pain in the ass……but then again, so is being threatened and stalked.
In the US, you are not charged $$ to serve or file these orders.
The process is, you generally are A. either issued an emergency order of protection for up to 30 days, until the subject is served. Make sure you write in the paperwork you’d like an extension hearing when you file.
A hearing is set…..you appear and explain why you feel in fear of your life etc…..and the subject is also invited to appear. (he is not required to do so)…..and the judge will ask you how long you want the extension for (look up your state laws on the max time and what fits your needs)…..I suggest the longest period.
You will be asked to present your case, documentation etc….
He will be asked his side and then the judge will rule.
Just because he doesn’t show up, doesn’t automatically get you a restraining order. You will still be required to present your case.
It doesnn’t take much to attain an order. And you do not need an attorney for this!!! Most courts/Police Depts or Da’s offices have advocates that can help you go through the process if needed, and they will also appear in court as moral support only.
I found the advocates very UNHELPFUL.
I used one the first time, but moved forward on my own.
I will caution you…..and this is VERY IMPORTANT, you must work this case and follow up with each step.
Find out the process and touch base with ALL agencies to make sure they have your paperwork on file in the local PD, make numerous copies of the orders and keep them on you in your car, home, office and give one to each person he has used to harass you.
Encourage everyone to file a police report if he continues.
NO….again, he won’t be charged each time…..but if he keeps it up…..you’ve built a line of documented issues.
There are alot of loopholes in EOP’s. And alot of agencies who are required to be involved in the protection of you.
My spath was arrested twice, and got off twice.
But eventually, it sent a VERY clear message to him that I intended to follow through each and every time he stepped on my line, kicked in my front door, approached my friends, clients or kids friends, sent mail or whatever.
LEAVE US THE FRICK ALONE!
He’s found a new dupe and it’s been quiet since APril, when my adult child filed his own order due to him stalking and chasing him around town with the new dupe.
JR named my other kids and me in his order.
I expect the shiat to start back up again in April……
It doesn’t really stop.
It’s important you keep a log and file on each occurance…..forever. You can go back and look at situations and mention them in court sounding logical.
I also recommend you take copies of your local police depts WITNESS STATEMENT FORM. BLANK.
You’ll need them.
You can have them filled out before the police arrive and streamline the time for all in dealing with each incident.
ALSO, before you turn in each statement…..make a copy for yourself!!!!
If someone else files a statement (police report) have them make a copy for you PRIOR to giving it to the officer.
Get each responding officers business card and badge number and keep it in your file under each incident.
You need to be organized. And you won’t be able to get copies of any police reports until after a case is ‘resolved’ or dismissed.
(Unless a judge orders it).
Much easier to keep your own copies in your own files.
Each time you go to court, make two copies of each document. One for the judge and one for the subjects attorney or him himself.
NEVER give anyone your originals of anything!!!!
You probably won’t be successful at attaining charges against him at this point. (I know this isn’t what you wish to hear). Even if he threatened your life……the DA’s office and police want a restraining order.
With what you have, you’ve got plenty to attain an order of protection.
He’ll be notified to STOP or there is consequences.
Depending on your ex……and how far he will push the envelope……he’ll either stop, or ramp it up, or walk the fine line.
Also, let me caution you…..there is a statute of limitations on how long others will care about this harassment…..so you must consider this. Your friends, family and employers…..nobody wants ‘trouble’…..and spaths wear on them too.
Don’t be surprised when people start walking away from you because of this drama….it happens>
Keep your discussions about him and the incidents to your own personal concern only, short and sweet and just let everyone who asks know you are in fear and hope it ends. and keep it brief and don’t keep talking about it.
It will extend the support you recieve.
I was lucky and live in a small town. My local police were well aware of this douche and eventually became ‘up’ on his antics and games of smokescreening to get away with his own agenda of drug sales.
I still see cops and each time they ask about where he’s at and how we are doing. I’m lucky they all took an interest in us and our safety. In larger cities, it’s not the case.
Getting a EOP is the easy part…..enforcing it is another.
Demand your right to live in peace, work in peace and not be harassed.
You’ll have to demand…..trust me, many cops will say to you, oh, i’m sure he means no harm……they don’t get it. Some do, some don’t.
Speak rationally and clearly and know your rights, and relay your fears. and demand follow through.
Hope this helps.
Good luck to you!
JCB, I’m so sorry to read of your experiences. Welcome to LoveFraud – you’ll find a lot of information, support, encouragement, and help to recovery from spath experiences.
ErinBrock is SPOT-ON. Print out her response because it has so much information that it’s impossible to remember. Each of the proactive steps she’s recommended are vital for your safety and recovery.
You can also visit http://www.ndvh.org and find some local resources that might be of help, as well, including counseling with therapists that “GET IT” about sociopathy, stalking, and abuse.
What happens, as EB had pointed out, is that spaths (especially abusive ones) absolutely rely upon generating fear, on every level. Choices and decisions that are fear-based are typically impulsive and a RE-action to that very real feeling of fear. It takes some work, but we can separate those feelings of fear from facts and take the emotion out of the equation, over time. This doesn’t happen, overnight, and that’s why seeking some strong counseling through your local domestic violence hotline would be a tremendous help in your situation.
Take whatever steps that you must to protect yourself, JCB. Print out ErinBrock’s response, and go down the list one thing at a time. One thing at a time.
Brightest and most supportive blessings
I scrolled through these comments and definitely saw some horror stories. But I didn’t see this (sorry if I missed it):
What if the Sociopath is a WOMAN, and the children’s MOTHER?
Let me tell you — it’s even worse in the custody battle. Because courts do tend to err on the side of the mother.
I am actually the girlfriend (of almost 2 years) to the poor, kind, nurturing man who is fighting over custody with his ex sociopath.
She also has a crazy mother and an equally crazy lawyer, who knows what their actual diagnoses would be, but suffice it to say that in the last 6 months she has:
1. Moved the children in with her mother and enrolled them in school over 3 hours from their dad’s work without permission, but somehow established THAT to be the “norm” the courts keep defaulting to.
2. Refused to sign a mediation agreement he paid for that gave her 60/40 custody and child support/alimony, saying it “wasn’t fair” to her
3. Physically attacked him in front of the children (punching, biting, kicking, scratching), got arrested, etc….but then released and somehow her lawyer got her children back to her.
4. Attacked him AGAIN, this time with a knife, which sent him to the hospital in a helicopter. Managed to convince the police her stabbed HIMSELF….because she got the poor 6 year old son to tell her lies too (she has very much brainwashed these sweet kids).
5. Filed a restraining order against him to not see his kids. When in court for that, he only managed to get supervised visits back .
6. Accused him of sexually molesting the 6 year old boy (IMPOSSIBLE — not only do I not feel he is “capable” of this, I have been with him and the kids every time they’ve been with him). Somehow got the boy to confirm this on tape…or, at least her lawyer SAYS there’s a tape.
7. Has caused so much drama that our lawyer just got HERSELF landed in the hospital from stress. The other lawyer has harassed her and threatened her so badly that the Bar Association recommended she remove herself from the case. She came to our house last night, crying because she believes in him and know that he is right, but she can’t keep herself in harm’s way.
So this is where we sit. A completely innocent father (who IS paying child support while she refuses to work, of course) has been accused of stabbing himself and molesting his children, only gets to see them 2 hours a week and treated like a pedophile, and is suddenly without a lawyer. He is definitely being bankrupted as well.
We’re at a loss for what to do.
Dear Scared in Californiia, welcome to our world. Yes, there ARE mothers like this (MONSTERS) and they are just as evil as you have described and sometimes they “win” in the unjust “family court”
In some cases they actually kill the children to get back at the other parent Remember Susan Smith? Or Caysee Anthony?
All I can suggest is that you and your BF READ here and read everything you can about psychopaths, get some therapy, and learn to cope with what is going on. You cannot change her so you have to change the way you deal with her.
Good luck and God bless.
Wow! First off I am so incredibly happy I found this site! I now know I am not the only one dealing with these issues. It is so overwhelming at times and I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. My son is almost 5 and we have been through 4 different orders. My sons father is completely off his rocker. I have given and given and tried to make sure my son has a steady relationship with his father, even when it is not his time I make him call, send pictures ect. He started to try and modify the order just a few months ago again. He’s getting away with it too. The man is just insulted that I have left him and will NEVER return…I would rather chew my arm off! He has emotionally and physically abused me throughout our who relationship. He has broke into my house, disconnected the computer fuses that run my car, he has held a gun to my sons head and told him he couldn’t love mommy (cps actually knows he did it, but there’s no physical damage done so they wouldn’t continue with an investigation, but recommended my son go to consouling). My sons father now wants 50/50 or he is threatening me he will take full custody. The recommendation came back that he was not a creditable witness (referee hearing) and they were not giving him anymore time, but they are not taking anytime away. Of course he objected. At first he claimed that I was an alcoholic. Hard thing to accuse someone of that who goes to school full time, is on the deans list and works two jobs…one for the federal government at that. When that didn’t work him and his lawyer are requesting psyc evals done on the two of us!! It hasn’t been approved yet, but I can’t even understand why the system lets him do this! I am a single mother trying to support myself and my child. He lives off his parents. I’m fighting to make ends meet just to retain an attorney! This man has done so much and I am emotionally drained and I can’t see how I am even going to be able to pull through with it all. I visit the woman’s resource center twice a month for the past few years because I still can’t sleep at night after everything that I have lived through with him! I am horrible at documenting stuff. Him and his lawyer sent a threatening letter that if I didn’t give him 50/50 they will go for full and it will be lengthy and expensive. I just can not understand how normal people can’t view these actions as irrational! He plays so innocent, just like a few of you have mentioned, on the stand and in front of others. What’s left for me to do, am I just fighting a losing battle? I would have at one time been open to 50/50, if he could learn how to co-parent, but he can’t and even if he did, it won’t stop there. 3 months from now, we would be back in court and he would be trying to get full again. He has done nothing but lie on stand, tried to make it look like our son is behind in school, when I have documented prof that he is ahead of all the other students. What do I do??
Dear Rachel13, Welcome to lovefraud, I am so sorry you are in such a mess. “What do you do?” READ and learn and stay here for support. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER and you need a PhD in psychopathy. (((Hugs))) and God bless.
Rachel13, I’m sorry to read of your experiences and very happy that you found LoveFraud – welcome.
OxD is spot-on: read, read, read, and post, post, post. I’ve been through custody battles with an abusive spath, and I would offer this encouragement: seek the services of a strong counseling therapist to help you process your experiences as you move through these events. Opting for counseling doesn’t mean that we’re crazy, insane, disordered, or anything else that’s “negative.”
I’ve typed this so many times, and I don’t mean to appear redundant, but human beings are simply not equipped to process and manage the carnages of a sociopath. We just aren’t. There is rarely any “evidence” that we can point at and say, “See that? That is my self-esteem that the spath destroyed.”
Read as much as you can, and post as frequently as you can – get it OUT of your system so that you can approach these events with dignity and calm.
Brightest blessings
Thank you for the encouraging thoughts. The psyc evals were denied, but his motion to go for full custody upheld, even though you could see the questioning in the judge’s eyes on why we were to this point and how had he been signing all these!! He didn’t even show up for his own motion, only his lawyer did. This week was really tough. My sons father said that he was going to go out of town for a cpl weeks to work and he would be missing a few days here and there. I offered to let him make them up when he got back, but not all at once, like a day here and there over the next weeks. He started screaming at me that he wanted a whole week for what he was missing. Really? I’m not obligated to make up days as it is, but was trying to be nice so he didn’t miss time, not that he has EVER done such a thing for me when I have asked to switch days or weekends his reply has always been, well I will take the day/weekend, but I’m not switching. I had to turn in my witness list for the hearing. Almost immediately his lawyers office was calling my witnesses wanting to know what exactly they were testifying to. Most told them to shove it, that they didn’t have to give them any information. I have yet to receive his list. He stopped splitting my sons bus pay with me because I apparently owe him $17?!? Tonight my son told me that he would be better off without me and that’s what his daddy says. I am wrecked emotionally. Court is 3 months away and I keep reminding myself after this I will get a breath of fresh air, at least for a little bit. I am disappointed that this is what my life will be like for the next 15 years. One phone call or text from him can emotionally break me down because all he wants is to argue. How can people be so angry all the time? Furthermore, how can someone be so unstable at the age of 44 and the only people that have noticed have been myself and his parents? Yet his parents are funding his way through this. (Pretty sure he’s threatening them that they will not see their grandson if not, but I have always given them time, even when he wasn’t talking to him) I’m sure things will get worse in the next few months before court. 🙁