Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
delta 1 – thank you for the laugh, i really needed it!
HI,
I am dealing with the same situation, my case is ongoing in Europe, and i been accused of international child abduction however i got a good lawyer so atleast that part was defended, but I had to return bck to Europe where I have been left with nothing and have a 1 year old child that I am fighting not to lose against this person. Ofcourse once i was conned into believing who he was, i saw otherwise and it was too late because i was pregnant and not to mention i was conned into signing a prenup where it says that children are required to be raised and educated in this EU country, I cannot travel with a child, I cannot go to court if seperation occurs as only months of mediation and dragging on and no child or financial support will be given. Guess what he owns 3 companies, he got away with paying nothing so I have to go to social services and see if we can get anything extra to get through (food). HE wont even pay my private health insurance and i got no right to social.
In my case I could never get to court, just spending thousands of euros to even get beyond minimum support for food from a man that clearly owns 3 business but out of nowhere he is broke and he has false paperwork to prove it……and still lives luxurious life. IN my case his plan is to take away child or do everything to make me give up and move back to the US. He cannot accept separation even though he never wanted a wife just a child, but I left by police escorting me and that is very hit for his image.
Law is asking me to sign to remain in this country for a long time if i want to receive any additional help from this person. SO MUCH ABOUT HUMAN RIGHTS VIOLATION!! Just so we know I am in Germany……and if a child is German is forever German.
You can learn the behavior, observe, gather data, read all the books you want but how do you stay clear and aware in the process and take care of a small child with no financial support or law on your side????
WE ALL KNOW THERE IS NO WIN WIN SITUATION, SO SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO GIVE IN TO THEIR DEMANDS SO THEY THINK THEY ARE WINNING.
If we do it with clear heart and not with hatred, I think God or Universe can open up doors beyond law and beyond all the blockades we got…….so even if you think you lost it all by giving in …never give up HOPE…because they might control things around us…BUT THERE IS SOMETHING OUT THERE STRONGER THEN THEM THEY CANNOT CONTROL….
I think at the end is finding borders and do not give up……longer time they will give up becaue they dont like wasting time…..
I gave up my career, everyhting i worked in hard in my life to come overseas, and now this is how it is. Sometimes i have to accept what it is and move on and start again. I do not even speak fluently German. I had it all and only thing i wanted was a happy healthy family. At the end everything is gone, just my dignity and hope are not. I had it all, and yet i can barely get through now. It has been said, sometimes losing it all we gain something more valuable.
ANY SUGGESTIONS PLEASE……. he has financially starved us so all these techniques about dont let them control bla bla I tried to fight through lawyers etc….everything but If i dont have choice i rather take that than give up a child and not give a child chance to know whats healthy in life…
slatkis – what a terrible situation. Does he want a child by himself, or does he just want to control you?
what I think is that he will request a petition for a child to live with him in a year, I got pressured into giving more and more time in order to get a place to live for me and a child. So as soon is 50% sharing and child is not even 2 years old, next step would be to apply for this petition because child got used to him, he keeps videos to prove development, its all a plan.
In the prenup he already added a clause that this little support we get will be dismissed once child lives with him. Why would he put something like that if there is no hidden agenda? I learned it was all preplanned.
Next thing is to keep me in foreign country where i might be financially exhausted and end up without a child and yet cannot come back to the US. Why?
Very simple, I am embarrassment to him, I have abandoned him and police has escorted me due to domestic violence. So I have exposed him even though some might believe or not. So he was willing to put me in jail for abduction why would I believe out of nowhere hew ants to help and pay for our apartment. Control and maybe put cameras…..he did that with co workers. And request to remain in this country for long time, because if I were to lose child and still could not go back to the US it would be a win to him.
My question do you think he will go all this way? Threats were made I will take away a child and destroy you. I think that means if I could not find a good job, I would be stuck with hitting my head against wall that I stayed to fight for our child and yet lost that battle and cannot even go back home.
Also creating stress and fear he knows it works in favor because child will like ot be around a parent that provides happy, everything is great…….while he is creating night terror for me. He is back to wearing his designer stuff, working out, dating, loving the freedom and great energy, so as he was glad to get rid of me. The fact he slept with prostitutes and had a double life i would care less about what he is doing now but he is just looking for a victim to take care of our child.
So is that common plan for them? How to have him lose interest in a child and me???? i want to know that
slatkis – It does sound like this was all pre-planned. And yes, they are quite capable of making such a nefarious plan.
Sociopaths want to win. They will continue to battle until they do win, and crush you in the process. But sometimes once they win, they lose interest.
I’ve heard of women who essentially give the sociopath all the parenting time he wants – and then he no longer wants it! If there’s not battle, there’s no fun! He doesn’t pick up the child. So the child stays with the woman – which is what she wanted all along.
Perhaps if you pretend to lose interest in the child, say he can have the child as much as he wants, even start talking about leaving to go back to the US – well, maybe all of a sudden he won’t want the child anymore. This may be risky – especially since you’re in a different country, but you know the guy. Will it work?
It’s so difficult, especially being in a foreign country. There are never any good or even reasonable answers.
As this article states, keep very good records. Sociopaths often do stupid things, and the time may come when you’ll be able to make a move, and people will believe you. It will be important to have records of his exploitative behavior.
I just want to say I am so thankful I came acrossvthis site. I have been dealing with a sociopathic, drug addicted ex husband and his sociopathic mother since 2008. Its been a very long and tumultuous road for myself and my two children. I can truly attest to the pain, torture, and devaluing of onself that these sociopaths inflict on purely innocent lives. When are the family courts going to catch up with the times and do something about these people? Everyone else in the working force is held responsible for completing iinservice why aren’t judges? It is mentally, emotionally, financially and Relationship draining the tactics that the sociopath uses. I understand now that I have to care for myself spiritually so that my ex doesn’t succeed in what he truly wants….me to fail.
Goingcrazy2014 – Welcome to Lovefraud, although I’m sorry you had to find us.
So many parents with sociopathic partners are going through exactly what you are dealing with. Yes – it is unfortunate that the family courts really do not understand what is happening – or they don’t care.
Feel free to post here whenever you need support. Someone will reply.
For GoingCrazy2014 … Your story is a little bit different than mine, but not much. I, too, have been suffering from parental alienation from my children’s father.
I don’t have the energy to write all of what I continue to go through. It has been 6 years since I filed for divorce and 5 years since the divorce was final, yet he continues to fight with me about everything you can imagine. I mean everything.
Do they ever leave us alone? Will I ever see my children again? I have joint custody, yet I know nothing about my children.
I lost everything …. and had to file bankruptcy. He ruined me in every way possible. He won the battle, but I won the war, because I got out. I know, in time, I will recover, because God sees everything and knows everything. God will always take care of His children and eventually right the wrongs of those who harmed His precious children.
Hi,
Just came upon this site and saw your post. I know what it’s like when they proudly state they will destroy you. That for every dollar they pay in child support you will pay five in legal expenses. After seven years making my way through the courts, it doesn’t stop. My savings and retirement are gone. My third lawyer is trying to ease his way out, since ‘dog’ cases lose money for the firm and he’s fed up with the delays and bullshit from him. Now he seems to be following a guidebook to parental alienation. He told them I’m not their real mother (both kids were born from a surrogate) and that I’m just a temporary guardian until he gets full custody. Now he got the kids to accuse me of assault and battery for pushing my daughter in the store (she was about to be hit by an automatic door and I nudged her out of it’s way). But that’s not how she tells it now. I’m worn out, broke, living in temporary housing and finally ready to give up. DSS told me to hold on, as leaving the kids now would be devastating for them, but there’s no way to fight someone like this. He’s so charming and personable, no one sees what he really is. It took me years to realize what was really going on. I had lots of advice, but can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I just thought it was good to see someone else in the same situation..
Thanks for your post.
It is difficult. I too had my child kidnapped long ago. It was when their country had not signed up with the Hague Convention. Long story…..I am a person whom had lived each day thinking loyally, honestly, and all around straight as can be person. I got my child back to the USA but it took a longtime and not the avenues of the norm. Educate yourself on all what is really available to you, not what you think isn’t available.
Read all you can on the Hague Convention do not read into what you believe the boundaries are. Read all you can on people that had prevailed and how they did it.
Wishing you the best.
I’m now battling father parental alienation across border where i dont even speak the language. I see that dealing with such a individual on the us territory is a hell to go through, now I’m dealing with it in a foreign country of which I am forbidden to leave under accusations that i might kidnap a child. It doesnt matter how much money you can spend at the court and support yourself on loans to battle…..if this small percentage of men fight dirty with no regards to anyone else and especially not the child’s interest but yet the system acknowledges these men as the exception that fight for their children. And then to even have a chance to go back to your own home country you have to take in attacks daily and still praise that they are great fathers and how much it is important for a child to have them in their life…..question is also how far are you willing to go? Something no other person that us in these situations can understand…….I am a prisoner in this place and I pray and hope for the best possible solution God or universe can bring to us because no matter how much you fight at the end it is out of our control………no support, no family, no financial ability, blocked all ways of continuing some sort of normal life, dealing with court and false accusations and no one cares about behaviors because it is criticism against another parent and that is first way how you lose your battle……
Children are tormented for life no matter outcomes are……i guess we can all pray one day they disappear out of our life but i was told its till death us apart. Yes it is people in power, people who have money, manipulators, liars and we are just people who have feelings and heart. At the end i learned all these books, all advices, etc they dont work because each one is specific and remember they don’t play by any rules and they are unpredictable.
To make it even better they read this stuff and used it against you. Its not about men or women, but the court system does favor men like these. Im sure there is a percentage of men who are great fathers and a story is reversed. I can only speak for myself. I have given my life for a child……but dont we all deserve to live and be happy?
Why do men give up but women choose to suffer? My life is shattered, career is gone, everything is gone, I just wake up every day believing it will be different next. I have enjoyed perks of a high end life, and yet perks of below poverty life……but living in turmoil with that person or without its a nightmare……hell on earth as I would call it…..
I’m still going forward hoping for the best………my child is only a year old and yet the system can allow such a person to take care of it. I thought i had better chances leaving so early due to child’s age , I was so wrong!
May God help us
Parent Support Advocacy Group for victims in the European Union countries.
Hello,
I would like to start advocacy group overseas for parents like me who are dealing with child custody battles in the EU, as it makes it 10x harder to deal with men and women who have various personality disorders. It is mainly women who are struggling, but I came across some men who are in the same situations and fighting for the lives of their children abroad and being trapped in these countries due to foreign laws that tend to support abusers.
Please contact me if you would like to share a story and exchange experiences as our voices need to be heard. Many have given up, but if we can get together and support each other against ongoing abused by foreign governments and the abusers, we can continue and let our voices to be heard.
Where I am located (Germany) a court doesn’t care about documentation or any type of behavior, but only about keeping children on their ground. Also I am forbidden to leave a country based on foreign laws of a fear of child abduction by a foreign parent, so as it a prison continues. Please contact me if you are in the same situation. Not sure if you want to leave email or there is another way to get in contact (im not familiar) but please do so.
Thank you and God Bless,
Hello – welcome to Lovefraud. Please tell me more about your project. You can find my email address under “contact.”
My ex-wife is wealthy and she and her father are paying attorneys to use the legal system as a weapon to destroy me. No one wants to see the pattern. As a last resort I have chosen to speak out in order to protect myself. My ex has refused to negotiate and then paid $1.2 million in legal fees
My blog is goodmendidnothing.wordpress.com
Please comment. I need all the support I can get. I am being bullied to death.