Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
jillsmith
here is a little trick I learned. Open up a doc like Microsoft Word. Type your post there then do a spellcheck. Proof read it *copy it (*click right button on the mouse) then *paste in the comment field. Do a preview first and then click the post tab. The only problem is I still make mistakes 🙁
Yes, wish I could edit some of my comments…
Hope this helped?
James, either your P is very predictable or I am totally bad at predicting my P’s next behavior. In either case, can you elaborate a bit, as to when they decide that they hate you, that they must go after every single button of course they know (through trickery) and bring you to your knees in every sense of the word, what it is that we can do to make them go away? (winning, as in letting him be victorious is out of the question because I will not bargain with my child)
Should’a copy/ pasted, …. Hope you can understand my question…
PInow
Not sure if I understand the question but I think you asking why they hate us and then go about using our “hot buttons” to bring us down emotionally.
First, PD’s see and relate to thing in very black and white ways/terms. Good and bad, there is no in-between for them or shades of gray.
When they are honeymooning you they saw you as a perfect reflexion of themselves. All they saw was the good in you, which they believe, is also in them. Remember you once was the prize a perfect trophy. Now when they were doing this to you there might have been someone else (the ex) who they saw as imperfect and needed to kept this image alive in them. So they go about destroying the dream and/or image they once had by replacing it with the now bad image they now believe in them so now the ex is emotionally manipulated (hot buttons) to confirm how right they are to discharge them from their present. So the ex is now the bad guy but the new victim is the good guy. It’s like watching a western about guys with white hats compared to the guys that wear black hats. In their reality there can only be one good guy and there can only be one bad guy. The good guy gets all the emotional support and positive attention (for awhile anyway) but the bad guy get all the emotional BS and turmoil.
Remember this is why they study people and knew what buttons to push when to push them and how far to push them. Once they use it to get something but now they will use it to achieve something else. Which is making you look like the “bad guys”. Also remember is they don’t believe they are all good then they believe they are all bad. Again they go from one extreme to the other with no middle ground in-between..
Hope this helps..
PInow
oh, as for “making them go away”..
Sorry you can’t. If they think they still can get something/anything from you they will never go away. Not until you become useless then you might get a break (for awhile) but they will keep trying from time to time. We call this being put on the back burner. That’s why so many of us just quit and go cold turkey (NC) and stop talking with them if that’s a possibility. Those with children don’t always have this options which su*k’s in my opinion.. Sorry for my french…
James, what a scary prospect…
I am new here and in the midst of a horrific custody battle with my son’s father, whom I am certain is a sociopath/NPD.
I would like to post my story and get some advice/wisdom – but not sure if anyone is still posting on this???
I’m a little confused – and the last post is from over a month ago.
If someone is there and can listen, I’d really appreciate it.
scaredCFmama:
Go ahead and post here. Everyone will see it, and you will get some great advice.
Welcome, scaredCFmama,
Horrific custody battles are often the topic here on this LF site — even on other threads. You have come to the right place for advice/wisdom and the caring and concern of others who have known personally your situation.
However, my children were adults when I left so I have not had the experience with court custody battles so other than offering you my heartfelt sympathy for your plight, it will have to be others who can give you the best advice.
But, if your children have been victims of parental alienation I do know about that, even with adult children.
You can post your story right here on this thread and someone will answer you. Often “old” threads are revived by new posters, hence the older post on this topic. No problem.
Thanks…
I was a single mother of two when I met him. He seemed great for the first two months, then big red flags… he was lying, acting weird, hiding cell phone calls, texts, and usage…
Because I had never had any contact with anyone like this, I was hurt and confused. The only thing i knew without a doubt was that he was the most selfish person I had ever met in my life.
We broke up many times the first year, and he always begged and made promises, and I’d go back. He is the type that can talk you in circles and sell you the shirt off your own back.
I found out I was pregnant one year into the relationship. We did not plan it. At that time, we were not getting along very well, and we did not see eye to eye on many things.
When I was five months pregnant, I moved my children and myself in with him (December 05) only to find out later that he had begun a relationship with a girl 11 years younger than me… I began to figure it all out, and in Feb. 06 he moved out and left me in a trailer at his farm with my two kids. He was living with the OW – but lying to me the entire time. He was also having unprotected sex with both of us the entire time – and I wasn’t aware of it. I got many texts and emails over that two months – all with him being the victim of me and my horrible two kids that don’t respect him. Let me just say – I have THREE wonderful children – he was horrible and mentally and emotionally abusive to my older two.
I caught him at 39 weeks pregnant at her house. He still lied. I felt trapped… was trapped. He moved back in, and was there with his superdad shoes on when our son was born.
He began cheating with her again a month later… I finally caught him (with proof) four months later. On the day I caught him – he assaulted me. I filed charges against him, and moved all three of my children out, and away to another house. He called me on a restricted line that first night at midnight, and told me that if I didn’t drop the charges against him, he would accuse me of shaking my son (at the time OUR son was 5 months old) and have all three of my kids taken from me. I found out the next day that he had already gone to court and done it. His petition was thrown out and denied based on no evidence. He was willing to have our baby taken from me, as revenge for me filing charges against him.
Over the next several months he guilted me into trying to reconcile the relationship with him, using our baby, “love”, etc… etc…. I was so emotionally spent from the cheating, new baby, uprooting my children, etc…. and still really not strong enough against his manipulation… so several times I did try to go back to him. I always maintained a separate home, and we shared custody of our son. For a month or so, he’d be ok – then go back to normal, stating that he had been “kissing my ass” the whole time.
We shared custody of our son because at that time he really did dote on our son – he spent quite a bit of quality time with our baby… and I thought if nothing else, he was a good father. By this point too, I had several of his friends tell me that he had told them, point blank, that if I ever left him or tried to take my son from him, he would stop at nothing to make our son hate me, and he would make sure that he got our son from me.
I felt – again – that I had no choice but to maintain my distance, but also try to work with him and maintain a relationship with him. I was weaning myself away, hoping he would move on to other “drama” – which is constantly the focus of his life – tons of drama and fighting with EVERYONE – and he is always ALWAYS the victim.
Our son was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis in March of 2008. For a short time, it brought us closer together, but not for long.
I finally met a new man last July… he happens to be a police officer. We began dating and I kept it from my child’s father. He and I had not been in any type of relationship since May, but I was trying to keep the peace.
When he finally asked me if I was dating someone, I told the truth. He accused me of doing all the things he had done to me – being a homewrecker, choosing my older two kids over the “sick” one, saying that it was going to be he and our son “against the world”… crazy stuff. He also promised me we would never be friends, and we would never get along, and he would fight me forever until he made sure he had his son.
Over the next four months, my boyfriend was not involved with my children… so my ex never saw any evidence of him existing… however he did stalk me on the internet and learn his name. We kept his status as a police officer a secret for a while.
When I would pick my son up from him, he would say to him “don’t worry… I’m sorry you have to go with her… daddy will get you… I promise… remember what I told you buddy” etc.. etc… things like this constantly. My son was two.
My son would also come home from weekends with his father and tell me he didn’t love me, because he loved daddy…
I have all of this documented in a journal dating back to last year when this behavior all started. All this time, we had an informal (nothing through court) agreement in place and were both honoring it… for the most part (him). He never took any interest in our son’s disease or cared about going to his appointments, etc… I carry the insurance, pay all out of pocket expenses, paid for all his clothing, etc… and he paid daycare – which was provided by his aunt in his home – at his insistence.
He saw my boyfriends’s truck at my home in early February, and flipped out. He showed up at the next CF appointment and kicked my BF out – got security and caused a major scene in front of my son – yelling “I’m the father – I’m the father”. We were engaged and planning to be married – and he scoffed at that in front of the clinic doctors and social workers, and told my boyfriend (fiance) that I had tried to “trick him” into marriage too.
The behavior continued in a downward spiral and affecting my son – until I finally retained an attorney and filed for custody. This was early April.
Late in April, on my day to pick our son up, I showed up and the doors were locked and the aunt refused to answer the door or her phone. X was at work, and I was there to pick my son up, as I had every Friday for the last two years…. I called the police and three officers came. She would not answer the door but did speak to them, saying she was under strict orders by my son’s father not to give my child back to me.
At this time, he still did not know my fiance was a cop. We feared the accusations he might make against him if he knew. False, of course.
My X stated that day to three police officers that he would not return my son to me until we had something in courts (he had not been served, but he knew that I had filed). This was my punishment for filing for custody.
I went 12 days without seeing my child, then was forced to sign agreements (under duress) to see him. He got very sick at one point, and because my ex didn’t know how to properly care for him, I had to intervene and email the clinic and ask them to please contact him and have him seen. My ex was taking him to other doctors, and not notifying me… at clinic he refused to put my son down so I could not have any access to him.
My attorney filed emergency petitions, and they were all denied, based on his attorney stating that my son was perfectly fine with his father and he was in no danger.
We had our first hearing, our scheduling conference, in July. Just before – his attorney cancelled it, and postponed all the way until September (coming up soon).
As it stands now, I have tried to make a fair offer for him consisting of joint custody, proving that he shows a willingness to effectively co-parent with me and END the need to “win” or get revenge on me through our son… revenge for what – I’m not sure – leaving a cheating manipulative liar I guess… I guess I had no right to do that to him.
I am now married to my wonderful husband, and lo and behold – he just married his EXWIFE – who left him six years ago (she’s really messed up – but that’s another story). She also happens to be a cop – so I believe this is a ploy of his to raise his chances of getting my son from me.
He and his attorney have threatened my husband’s job, flat out LIED regarding my husband’s supervisors in a fax sent over to my attorney… They have also put me through a six hour deposition, in which they attacked me and my entire family with half truths spun into completely tall tales, trying to get a rise out of me and trying to paint me into a picture of a terrible mother. They also attacked my 16 and 13 year old children.
I do have a LOT of documentation, proof of all money I’ve spent, medical bills, etc… (did I mention he pays me NO child support)
In my original petition, I filed for full custody. I have made three appointments to have my son psychologically evaluated, but I have had to cancel them all, due to the father holding my son hostage the last few months. I get to see him only Wednesdays and every other weekend right now and it is KILLING me. My son still comes to me very confused and hurting. Within an hour or so, he is my loving baby again, but it hurts SO bad to see what he is doing to him.
He has used my son’s CF status to alienate him and keep him out of daycare. He is still trying to do that, and to keep him at his home cared for by his aunt, who is now completely brainwashed by him, and helping him in his cause to fight “evil” me… it is sickening… this woman used to apologize to me for his behavior – now she has conveniently forgotten all of that.
Like I said – I have offered him basically a 50-50 agreement – where we would have our son in a licensed daycare, and all pick ups and drop offs would be there – so we’d never have to see each other, except for doctors appointments and holidays. I agreed to splitting daycare and medical costs 50-50 and NO other child support (even tho he has a lot of money – but money is what talks with him and I don’t want his money).
I don’t think he will take my offer… he has said he and his lawyer are discussing it. I DO have a decent lawyer, and a LOT of documentation and proof, witnesses, and experts for my case… but I fear his lies and manipulations if we fight in court… and at this point, I am fried. I am on an emotional rollercoaster I never knew existed and I feel powerless to protect my little boy from this monster disguised as the father of the year. I just want him to love his son and leave me alone. Reading here, it looks like that may be expecting too much…
Sorry for the length of this – and the jumping around… I had my first conversation with him today – first in a long while (we’ve been going only through lawyers) – and again – half hour of complete lies and crazy talk… I’ve always said its like he’s living the same life on another planet…
SO – I don’t see an easy mediated agreement – even though what I offered him is more than he’ll ever logically get in court… I fear him, and I HATE that.