Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
I wanted to add that I KNEW not to speak with him at all unless via email – I had been doing so well lately… staying away from him totally.
He tried to use that against me today, saying he shows up at my door and I REFUUUUUUSE to speak to him. I simply always tell him to contact me via email.
Only in the last couple weeks, he has been “nice” and saying he will “work with me” meaning there is some means to an end… and I am betting he is now realizing that when he goes into court he is going to have to show that he can and is willing to CO-PARENT…
ScaredCFmama:
The man will never be a good father and will never love his son. This is all about him winning and destroying you.
Your objective should be to keep your son’s contact with him to a minimum. You will gain nothing by offering a generous parenting arrangement. I suggest that you rescind the offer and go for the tightest, most restrictive court order that you can. Best would be to take away his parental rights, but it may not be possible, at least right away.
Do not attempt to play nice. He does not care about the child. Use any information you have to demonstrate that he is an unfit parent – like him not being able to care for your son’s medical condition properly.
Get an ironclad custody arrangement, specifying everything – when he sees the child, at what time, where the transfers will take place. Go after him for child support. Sometimes, when they have to pay money, they lose interest.
You cannot expect this man to truly act in the best interest of the child. His objective is to beat you.
Dear Scared,
I may know no anything concrete about custody battles but I sure can agree with EVERYTHING Donna wrote to you! Please listen to her, it is GOOD advice. She is speaking the truth.
Keep posting and venting, though. It will be important to keep you to your resolve to leave this “man” in the dust!
I will just add from personal experience that if he is acting “nice” there is the ulterior motive that Donna mentions, his motive is to “win” by destroying YOU! They can’t love anyone!
Oh, dear, I meant to edit this before pushing submit.
My first sentence should be. I may not know anyting concrete… Sorry if I confused you. You certainly do not need more confusion!
Dear Scared,
Donna gave you the BEST advice there is to give. RE-read it over and over until you have it memorized and above all,
NEVER TRUST YOU X. If he is being “nice” it is just before he hits you between the eyes when you are off guard.
If I were trying to catch a dog to punish it by beating it (I do NOT beat animals, but this is just an example) I would not go running swinging a base ball bat and yelling at the dog. I would go “here, good dog, come here good dog” then when I got my hands on it, beat it to death. That is what your X is doing by being nice. “here, good dog….” but when he gets you close enough to STRIKE, he will do just that. (((hugs)))) and my prayers for your safety and your child’s.
I am back again. We had a scheduling conference, and at that point NOTHING was done to get an agreement in place for my time with my son.
My ex is now blackmailing me with my child. I haven’t seen him in over a week, and ex and his lawyer are trying to force me to sign an agreement in order for me to see him. The agreement gives me visitation Wed and every other weekend, and I refuse to sign that.
The only reason the man has my son is because he physically took him and refused to return him to me, unless he has agreements signed. I will no longer sign anything that isn’t at least 50-50 for the time between now and our court date.
Our trial was set for end of January. END OF JANUARY. Meanwhile, the man left the country for his honeymoon and my son went on vacation three hours away with his aunt – no notification to me. In fact, I only know because my son has told me.
Any time I’ve spoken to him, he will not answer direct questions about our child; instead he asks me questions – and spits lies out of his mouth. I asked him last night “when am I going to get to see my son” at least 5 times, and each time I got “let me ask you this….” in return… and never an answer.
The agreement that I had proposed is off the table. We have manditory mediation late October, and until then, my attorney has been contacting his attorney to demand equal time with my son… so far there are only excuses made….
The most recent letter from his attorney to mine accuses me of poisoning my son against his father. This is what he has done. I have quite a few witnesses to it – even his own family and friends… and I have never ever said anything negative to my three year old son about his father. Never. This is what he is going to use as his reasoning for keeping my child from me for months.
Meanwhile, I am heartbroken. I miss him so much, and I am so frustrated that ex is getting away with this. Over the next several months, I’m not sure what to do, or what I CAN do. Any advice would be appreciated.
Dear Scared Mama,
I am so sorry that things are going this way for you! ((((Hugs)))) I wish I had some suggestions for you, but unfortunately I don’t. I will pray for you and for your son and hold you in my thoughts. Your pain is unimaginable to me and must be almost unbearable to you. God bless you and keep your son safe. Stick to your guns and I’m glad you have the strength to NOT sign anything just in order to see your son at all for now. (((hugs))))
Has anyone on here tried to go through your state’s legislation to get some results? I am not involved in politics AT ALL… but I feel like someone somewhere has to listen to me and do something about this. I’ve thought of gathering a small army to write in to someone in my state about my situation, and bombard them until they look into it and what is going on.
That may be expecting too much… I don’t know. I don’t really even have a clue where to start.
someone was asking about this recently……thought i’d bring it back up….
🙂
EB, thanks you are bringing up some “oldies but goodies” on these subjects. Interesting reading back through some of the posts from a couple of years ago….I miss Beverly! I hope she is still doing well!
Click on the Amy Castillo LINK at the top of the article. That poor woman and her troubles and losses makes the rest of what I have endured seem trivial by comparison. No pain is trivial to the one who is feeling it, but Amy’s story made me want to commit a felony!